Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

Thank you @Pinko, all the very best to you!

Aaagh, sorry that was to @Thinko! I'm a bit tired today, a lot going on. God bless you and thank you!

@Didsomeonesaydogs You've really been put through Hell, and so have your children, I'm so sorry! The betrayal of adultery really does cause such destruction and also, actual physical pain and harm as well as emotional, doesn't it? It's not yet regarded as the form of serious abuse it truly is yet, not widely enough anyway but please God it will be soon- legally as well as in theraputic circles. I'm very grateful my Confessors thought of it that way anyway and did not counsel me to continue enduring the abuse, but to go my own way and rebuild a new life for myself- if Catholic priests can see the grave harm that adultery causes and advise and support victims to seek escape from it, then surely the secular authorities should be able to as well!
God Himself surely does, which is why the Commandment against it comes straight after the one against murder!

@Changingeveryday God bless and keep you! When I think about my cheat of a STBXH and any adulterer I am always reminded of the list in the OT of the things God hates, most of all "A lying tongue" and "Feet that run swiftly to evil" ! I think that covers what adulterers do very well in those two very concise sentences!
Of the other things on that list I also think "Hands that shed innocent blood2 has some relevance as it's not just about injuring someone with violence, but causing any physical harm to another; cheating puts the betrayed partner at risk of STIs and when they discover the betrayal, causes very distressing physical symptoms and actual physical changes in the brain. I know I was in physical pain for months after discovery; I could barely eat so I dropped 2 dress sizes ( about 2 stone?) in one month and my hip bones were sticking out like a famine victim's ( I've put a bit back on now though as I am recovering!) so it wasn't a healthy weight loss by any measure. This is physical harm.
It has also stuck in my mind that the Commandment against adultery comes straight after the one against murder, which I think makes it clear that Our Lord regards it as a very grave act of harm against the other, and only murder is worse!

@TheFormidableMrsC Oh you've been put through Hell as well, I'm so sorry! How are you now? I hope and pray you're totally well?
I have read reports of research that indicates that human beings can often sense betrayal subconsciously before we know it consciously, and this can manifest in physical symptoms, sometimes severe or even life-threatening. Then, if the person leaves when they discover the betrayal or after giving up trying to mend what they are not responsible for destroying- the trust, the loyalty, the love in the marriage- they often get better or recover completely, and quite quickly too. I'm not saying your X caused the cancer, but I imagine he didn't help? I really do hope you're fully recovered now and live a long, healthy, happy life, you deserve it! So do all of us who were betrayed by the one we loved!

On what other subject do posters start bleating on about 'God' and 'his wrath'?

Absolutely follow the religion of your choice but when you start pushing it down other people's throats I have no respect for you at all. Pathetic!

I'm glad the OP has gone, it was an ill-advised thread and the only people it's serving now are the usual cheated-on and/or revelling-in-it-hoping-for-karma posters who can't let go and need to vent their spleens again - at somebody who had nothing whatsoever to do with their own circumstances.

Jeez just give him an ultimatum; leave her and we can be together. If you chose not to, you were never going to leave! Are you happy being the other woman? I guarantee he is having sex with his wife, how do you feel about that? There is no way in a million years he's gone 8 years without sex. He has got the best of both worlds, why would he leave? Send him a message at 3am you'll soon find out all you need to know!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I guess you're on about me and my posts. I haven't mentioned God's "wrath2 at all and I sure ahven't been pushing my beliefs down anyone's throats! I did say clearly in my first reply to the OP that my beliefs were my own and probably not shared by other PPs and that I do not expect, never mind demand that others see this matter in exactly the same way I do! However, my faith is the biggest part of who I am, God comes first with me and I am NOT going to hide that nor be all wishy-washy about it just because it might annoy someone, as it clearly has annoyed you! In fact you seem well put out just by the fact I have the temerity to even mention God and my faith. That's up to you but you're jumping down my throat in an unreasonable way IMO , AND you've not even done it DIRECTLY to me! This just makes me all the more determined to live my life by my faith in God and to verbalise my faith in God at any time! I will never be apologising for it! If you're offended by it, that's for you to deal with! Furthermore, I have not ONCE said anything to the OP nor any PP that was condemning, not even to you who have been unjust towards me. I have only defended myself and my right to express my very seriously held spiritual beliefs, whilst also acknowledging that others on here probably do not share them, and NOT condemning anyone for it! All the best to you!

Op I haven't read this properly but all I can say is that if he wanted to leave he would, men like this don't give too hoots about their wife they would just be off if they thought they would have a happier home life with the own

Actually, she was responding to me, and I liked her comment. You don’t have to like it, but also don’t have to push your hatred of it down people’s throats. Considering this forum is full of various ideologies and opinions, it’s perfectly acceptable for her to come at it from her spiritual perspective. I would disagree with people who serial date, shag people before they even know or are committed to them, but I wouldn’t comment to say for them to stop shoving their filthy ideology down people’s throats. Seems that some people consider some ideologies ripe for attack, and I just wonder as an obvious woke drone, whether you would attack a comment made by a Muslim or other faith system, or is it only Christianity?

I agree I thought @Blubbled's posts were interesting.

Hey no worries and thanks, my pleasure. I've been finding your posts as inspired as they are sobering to read. I'm also aware of the devastating impact of adultery. Everything and everyone suffers. And no matter how well people try to dress things up, shut down, shame or attempt to ridicule others for having a working moral compass, all roads lead us back to the same unavoidable conclusion. Nobody on earth wants to discover infidelity at play in their own partner's life. believe it's with good reason even God Himself advises divorce for that one sin. I hope the OP comes up for fresh air soon, what else to add? You have yourself a peaceful night.

"Pinko".

lol

Unacceptable. Move on and find someone legit.

But are you going to step away from the man though? Because surely, having read all this thread, you must know now that it's your only reasonable option.

@MarvellousMonsters I think you've misunderstood what leaving the thread means...

I don’t think she will leave him, likely she will find out the hard way

You really have no right to comment on his marriage or the state of his sex life with his wife. You have his word and his perception of that. Which may not be true. He’s clearly an accomplished liar as he’s lying to his wife, cheating on her with you. He’d no doubt lie to you when he moves from you to the next conquest. Get some self respect and move on!

His family will very much be “fractured” from the affair … and a lot more too.
Its utterly astounding how a husband miraculously transforms himself into the most amazing attentive and loving husband, once he’s been found out, fears what he will loose, begs to let him prove himself to the wife and no longer has the mistress on the side or living a double life.

It never ceases to baffle me why people are so content to be in a relationship with someone, upon which the very foundations are built on dishonesty.
His solution to every problem is to run and lie.
Who finds that attractive?

Hi I feel for you, and understand it must feel amazing to feel chosen by him and it’s a secret which may feel exciting for you but it definitely can be for him.. I always thought you can’t trust someone depending on how you find them. Sure things may be great now, but when “his plan” happens what makes you think he won’t have an affair while with you? He had a baby with this woman and shared a life with her, no offence but he owes his wife everything and he gave a vow to her.. I’m just not sure why you think he won’t do the same to you .. people like that rarely change and aren’t happy with themselves. The partner will never be enough to change no matter how amazing you are.. you know the relationship better than we do.. but it does sound like you’re being lied to by a man with a track record of lying..,
I say have your fun while it lasts but don’t expect anything serious to come from this. And keep in mind how this will effect the child.. kids absorb everything.. I know the kid isn’t your responsibility directly but the kid is innocent and shouldn’t have to be taught about loyalty in a relationship at such a young age..

You can’t call posters names like this. I’m sorry your own experiences are clouding your judgement but you can’t namecall on here.

I think really you know what you should do.