Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

OP, I am not having a go, we are all human, but the amount of intelligent women who fall for men reading the Script of " nothing happens physically with my wife".
Men will say this because they want the best of both worlds.

So they only had sex to conceive and nothing since?
He’s lying.

How can people be this naive? Why would you just believe what he says. This man wants to stay "for his child" to not damage them but is having an affair and modelling a shit relationship to his child. I mean seriously 🤣

I would bet my house on him lying. I would also bet his wife has no idea "they aren't having sex". My god. If I had a pound for every time a cheater spouts that.

I think you need to do some work in therapy on 1. How you can do this to another human being 2. Why you think this is all you deserve and 3. Why this guy was a candidate for you. The conversation should have gone "I'm married but we're unhappy blah blah". You:"that sounds hard, good luck with that, bye".

Also I'd get regular STDs tests.. you won't be his first. Shame he is risking his wife's health too.

It's bad enough what men can do to us. I really wish women would have each others backs.

Have just thought of another phrase from the Script
" I didn't know what love was until I met you "

So now you've read all the advice, are you going to end the affair?

Actually thinking about this; I never had an affair. But probably an emotional one.

I recognise something in your tone that I saw in mine, still see sometimes; a flatness, an inability to think through and truly feel your way through the consequences. A glibness I don't think you really feel, but that you are subconsciously applying so you don't have to face it.

When I was at my worst I didn't - actually couldn't - care or understand what would happen if we acted on things the way we wanted to.

The havoc we would have wreaked, on so many lives...devastated four kids, one of whom has SEN and simply wouldn't have coped with, or likely survived, the fallout.

It all fell by the wayside for the adrenaline, for the dopamine, oh he text me, oh he sent me some picture or other, he said this, did he really mean that?! It utterly scrambles your brain and changes you.

My friend said I became a lesser version of myself, and that I lost a lot of who I was, became smaller and duller, in the light of this thing and this person that engulfed me.

It doesn't make me very proud. And it won't you, when you look back at who you became.

Ok, so here's my side as the wife. The shit you're being spun is exactly what my dickhead ex told the OW. For 12 years. Reassuring her he loved her, the marriage was over, we didn't have sex, he just couldn't leave "right now" but would soon. I discovered all the emails about a week ago. After the shock, I've found it laughable. The number of times she says she wants him to make a decision, and the number of times he wriggles out of it. He could have left at any point. Had a conversation with me about how he wasn't happy and thought we should end things. He didn't. Because he had a good lifestyle with me, and sex on tap.

I don't know if he would have left eventually when our daughter turned 16, but he didn't get the chance because I told him I was done when she was 14.

That was 2 years ago. He still hasn't told me they're together! He's a coward, a cheat and a liar. He's also still grumpy, despite now having everything he apparently wanted.

If you're happy with such low self esteem that you'll take the crumbs of an affair, go right ahead. Buy don't kid yourself that it'll be happy ever after. When a man shows you who he is, pay attention. This one has no morals.

This. Very much this.

”I recognise something in your tone that I saw in mine, still see sometimes; a flatness, an inability to think through and truly feel your way through the consequences. A glibness I don't think you really feel, but that you are subconsciously applying so you don't have to face it”
this has made me cry. It’s exactly right.

“My friend said I became a lesser version of myself, and that I lost a lot of who I was, became smaller and duller, in the light of this thing and this person that engulfed me”
And this.

I knew someone who was having an affair with a married man who didn’t have sex with his wife - but his wife had two pregnancies and gave birth to two babies during the affair. Then he married an entirely different woman and continued to have multiple affairs until wife 2 found out and divorced him.

Please get some self respect and seek help, I find that people who have no qualms in betraying humans have mental issues. Sorry not trying to be rude at all, but it's usually the case. Good luck with things and find your self worth

Oh and one other thing @Senselesstime the amount of posts on here I was berated for you just like are being berated now...they didn't spur me into action or anything.

People think they can shock you out of it or something but I do know it's not that simple. It's like actual insanity and it's horrible.

The only way is to stop the contact...hardest thing in the world.

Honestly?

I wish that felt easy. I wish I could just break it off.
I guess I’m scared about the gap it leaves. And not being able to talk to anyone about it.

I don’t know where it leaves me.

Which is selfish.

As I said. It’s a mess.

I don’t think she has no qualms about hurting people, I think she has been spun a story that there is nobody who would be hurt, that essentially what he has at home is a business transaction based on the children, with no sex or emotion involved with the wife. Because she loves him and has something with him that she feels is deep, she is pushing away any thoughts that it could be any other way than how he has said it is. Her tone is emotionless I believe because she wants some insight, but she doesn’t want to let emotion take over, she wants advice and to attempt to face reality because deep down she must know things aren’t as black and white as he is saying. Yes it is a script, this man has to make himself feel like he’s not actually a cheat, and trick you into believing it’s not actually an affair, in order to prolong it. I’m wondering, does he exhibit any paranoid behaviours? Has he ever accused you of anything, or has he ever gone a bit hot and cold with you? Because even if he is highly narcissistic, which these men often are, sometimes guilt sets in, or they have a night of passion with their wife and start questioning what they are doing, or they are lying so much they get paranoid you might be also- or- they have their wife in the box of saint, and you in the box of the woman joining them in their scheming, so they temporarily treat you like you are worthless. Would just be interesting to know if any of that has manifested yet

Meant to QT this on last post.

Ha. Yeah.

That's how I felt, still feel sometimes.

If I don't have him, and this, what do I really have in life?

Still working on some of the answers to that. But...happy kids in a stable home ain't nothing.

Maybe you'd get your dignity back?

Yes, re wanting insight.

Paranoid, - no
Hot/cold - no

But occasional periods of sudden, extreme withdrawal. Followed by reasons we should stop because of his child. Followed by a continuation.

He could leave his wife and still play a huge role in his daughters life. Staying in a loveless relationship makes no sense. I don't believe him.

OP, try and treat this as the addiction it is. You can go cold turkey, just like someone giving up alcohol or any other addiction.
You would not drink poison if you knew it was bad for you.

@SweetBonanza I totally agree with that . I've been on both sides of the equation and knowing now how much it hurts and changes things - I certainly don't think it's the 'bit of fun' I thought it was in my late 20s . Thing was though for me it was the catalyst- I didn't leave to be with the guy ( indeed he got married within a year of our fling ) it did make me realise though my marriage really was just sex on tap and a housekeeper and nanny - whilst he retained a single guys life of football and mates and pubs.

As you say - I think genuinely unhappy guys latch onto 'an option' and move quickly -guys who are cake eating just future fake for as long as they can - they may care about you OP and like you a lot but actions speak louder than words

I think if you ended it you would be calmer and more stable. You'd be off the roller coaster of hope and disappointment. Of constantly having any happiness overshadowed by the negatives. The questioning whether it's real, the envy of his wife. Of all the main events in life, holidays, Christmas, being less enjoyable than they should be because you're apart, wondering what he's doing. You'd be free to build a proper life with a man who thought you were worth all of him, and you wouldn't have to look back with regret at any more wasted time. Of course they'd be a gap, but you could fill it. I think you'll end up having to at some point anyway when it doesn't work out. So why not get it over with, the younger the better?

Why would he leave?
He's having sex with you.
He's probably having even better sex with his wife, and getting all his meals, washing and childcare sorted out.
If he leaves his wife he'll have to be in sole care of his child for (probably) 50% if the time. He will likely lose half his assets and be much poorer.
I bet he feels like a dog with two d*cks.

Watch When Harry met Sally.

You're the character who spends the film waiting for her married boyfriend to leave his wife. Spoiler alert, he doesn't.

Neither will yours. But it's a good film and you need to watch it.

Sending love and hugs and the courage to leave that louse. You deserve so much better. 💐💐💐

They make out they’re not leaving because they’re making some noble sacrifice ‘for the children’. That really annoys me.

it’s laziness and cowardice. It’s inauthentic. It’s selfish, and arrogant. Assuming his wife actually wants him there living a lie and cheating on her.

he is doing what is best for HIM. Not you, his wife, or his child. How can you be attracted to that?

As someone who's been on your side of the fence, they absolutely 100% have sex with their wife.

That's the biggest lie he's telling you, please walk away while you can still have fun and enjoy a different life without his lies.

It will tarnish and in a year you'll look back and think wtf was I thinking.