Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

Guys....about five full days ago the OP said she was stepping away from the thread and hasn't been back.

The endless repetition of 'he'll never leave his wife, you fool' posts is all a massive waste of everyone's time.

IOnlyNeedTheSilence, you're spoiling their fun...

Nothing more life-enhancing than frothing and spattering venom all over a post to an OW if you're that sort.

Every man who leaves his wife for another woman will go back in the early stages and have sex with his ex . Men are just full of shit and tell women anything to keep them happy.

Ah so true.

I mean, I wish I didn't understand and have empathy for how this can happen, but I do.

And it's so hard to remove yourself from, and retain your equilibrium and mental health.

I've reflected on here before that threads started by woman who admit to hating their children are given more understanding than people who have - or are merely thinking about having - an affair.

It's like the last taboo on here: I think some women love to line up against each other ringing the shame bell. Just makes them feel superior.

Also women who have been cheated on have to demonise OW so they can justify staying with their cheating husbands. It’s like some weird cognitive dissonance.

In reading my response please know there is no judgment. Obviously the situation you find yourself in is not ideal but you’re an adult, you know that. But there is one big thing you need to consider.

It is to be honest unclear whether he’ll ever leave his wife but you need to be fully aware that he will never LEAVE his wife. Not fully. They have a child together. That means that for better or for worse they are IN each others lives forever regardless of whether they are married.

So say he does leave her for you - she will never be gone from your lives. And what’s more, she is his child’s mother and when there is a problem with the child that will always (rightly) come first and you will take a back seat.

So you have to ask yourself what sort of relationship you want going forward because this wife (soon to be ex wife who knows) is going to be a part of it whether you like it or not. And given that she might be about to find out you’ve been sleeping her her husband for however long, her attitude towards you might be rather frosty.

I appreciate you love this man, I do. But he has a child and a whole life with this woman and he can’t just cut them off. And if he does then he’s a massive walking red flag for walking away from his child.

So tread very, very carefully.

There is irony in this post if you look for it 😂

But as usual we have an ow telling us it's only over when she says it's over.

Delusional confidence.

It's just doing my head in, this thread keeps popping up and I know before I look what the latest post will be...I don't want to hide it as I thought the OP could use a more balanced viewpoint than 99% of the replies.

You think in 10-11 years he may leave his wife for you? I'm sorry OP but you are completely throwing away your life on an awful guy who is stringing you along and completely using you.

Please dump him. Block him. Take time for yourself and if you want a partner find someone who isn't cheating to be with you. Once a cheater, always a cheater and you can never trust them.

What other moral viewpoint could there be.

Having an affair is wrong.

It's highly abusive behaviour.

You may see this as women who view themselves superior to ow, in most cases I see damaged women who have been traumatised beyond recognition. Many of whom are still in recovery.

He’s the “primary carer” for his kid but able to get away to see you a couple of evenings a week?! Who’s doing homework / lifts to swimming / bath & bed routine?

Or he works flexible hours, does the school run and then has plenty of free time to chase after other women while his wife probably works all the hours under the sun before coming home to run her home & care for her child & rotten husband?

I'm the primary carer for DD but I get half the evenings to myself as we alternate. If I wanted to go out, DH wouldn't bat an eyelid.

They've probably got a really good balance of childcare and "me time".

I'm not sure why that's the thing you don't believe here.

It's not about imposing a moral viewpoint though @VelocityMoral

The OP was finding more nuanced posts much more helpful.

I bet she was.

Could you give me another viewpoint.

Well I'm not on trial here but sure.

I out of the clear blue sky fell very very hard for someone I'd known for years. It's been nothing but detrimental to my mental health, my marriage, even my career.

I've not acted on it but even at that distance I understand how almost impossible it is to switch off feelings that intense.

It's like an obsession, a mental illness. Just doing the equivalent of shouting 'whore' at the OP was just making her back off, whereas earlier posts were clearly giving her pause for thought.

My now husband was still married when we met. I told him I wasn’t prepared to be with a married man, or to be the reason for him breaking up his marriage (which he also claimed was love/sexless). He left, got his own place, and a few months later we got together. 10 years later we’re 7 years married. If he’s telling the truth, he’ll leave. If you have any self respect you’ll walk away until he does.

What do you expect to coax out her though.

Op has fallen in love whether that is reciprocal is anyone's guess, I think currently she's experiencing the first feelings of doubt, maybe reality is trying to squeeze itself into view, maybe that or op is starting to lose confidence being the one left alone at night, mind wandering so maybe there's more than just mentionitis going on here.

Why would it be beneficial to be understanding of the possition she now finds herself in, this man maybe the guy who rips her heart out and spits it out.
She needs to be warned of that.

You can't argue with the fact that affairs are wrong, so what's the point, the choices people make to get themselves involved in one is what needs questioning, not the absolution of guilty minds afer one.

I'm not trying to absolve her; I'm showing her empathy because I know how very very unhappy she must be.

But hey, there's clearly only one approved way of discussing affairs on here and it ain't my way.

Probably? He NEVER will. I hope she does , though, when ( it’s only a matter of time) she finds out about his affair (s)

I understand what you are saying. It’s hard to imagine but I do understand. Do you think it was like an addiction? Or that ‘Limerence’ people speak about on here. (Apologies if that spelling is wrong.)

There must be many stories like yours, of people that felt it but didn’t act on it. Your response is as important as everyone else’s.

I hope you will be ok.

I’m not sure how helpful it is on these threads to say he’ll NEVER leave. We all know people that have and there are numerous threads from wives who have been left. OW reading this will just think theirs is different and theirs will leave because some do.

I have heard it said and think it’s true that if they don’t leave in the first year they most likely won’t.

but the bigger question should be, even if they do leave do you want them.

Oh yeah for sure @3luckystars

And it's really hard to move past, so I have empathy. After the 300th shaming post I see little point in anyone else piling on tbh.

Ive never been in this situation but no matter what the chemistry, no matter how you feel about him, no matter how strong it is, put yourself first. He’s married and has children, step away and give yourself some self care xx

If he says he's going to leave his marriage in a year OP then what will be different then? What will make him able to do it then when he can't/won't do it now? The answer is nothing - but there will always be an excuse or a reason why he can't do it yet. He will fob you off till kingdom come, you already know he lies to his wife so why would you think he wouldn't also lie to you?

You might be addicted to the dopamine effect you get from seeing him but just like any other addiction you're never going to be genuinely happy, you're just always chasing that high and no matter how badly he treats you you'll always come running back for more.

I went through a period of depression, outside of my control as I had a bully on my back at work.
The result of that was I did not want or have sex for several months. If you for whatever reason we’re unable to offer sex as now, would he find another woman and inform her how rubbish you are at it?!
You think he loves you? Any man who cheats, deceives and lies as such cannot be trusted.
Find someone else.