Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

8 years old, his son?

So, another 10 years of his bullshit?

He'll be exchaging you for a younger model by then....

You need to go cold turkey sweetheart.

Put YOU first and foremost in YOUR life.

He may love you and feel trapped in the married. Happens all the time. But if that's the case, he's either too cowardly or too lazy to be with you properly. Is it really what you want?

I feel sorry for you. How low must your self esteem be that you've fallen for a lie as old as marriage itself.

They all say the same. Every damn time. And you poor hapless affair partners believe it.

This isn't some great love story where two souls have connected and are prevented by fate from being together. This is the story of a selfish and entitled chump who has made a fool out of two women.

Some people do have affairs and use them as an exit relationship. He is patently not doing this. I couldn’t be with someone this duplicitous, and pathetic. Also, if he did leave, he has a young child he’d need to see quite a bit of - are you ok with this?

For years, actually, but have name changed for this.

I’ve just not paid attention to affair threads because it’s not something I thought applied to me.

Which makes me sound like a twat, I realise.

Oh and read some of the threads on here if women who have discovered their DH affair and their devastation.

You’re ok to facilitate that pain for another woman are you?

So, how do you picture this working out?

He "accelerates his plan" and leaves next year for example.

He can't move in with you immediately because that will cause acrimony and also possibly lead to him getting less of the marriage financials (which he won't want).

So he'll halve his bank balance/pension and equity, move into a flat.

Presumably have his child 50/50 (as he's so attached to his child) and only be free to see you every other week, but not all the time as he'll have other commitments and you have your child to look after. So you'll see him a couple of times a fortnight.

Once about two years have passed and his divorce is finalised, his kid will be coming up to secondary school, so the area that he lives in will be dictated by that and you may or may not live in the same area.

He won't want to marry again because he feels he "got rinsed in the divorce". You struggle to live together as your kids don't get on and go to schools in different areas, so practically it doesn't work.

You also find out that house work and laundry aren't his forte, but he does like it if you give his house a bit of a spring clean when you're round there.

And he's spending a lot of time on his phone and with that new woman at work...

Is that the future you're imagining?

If he really wanted to be with you, he would.

You’re just another tawdry affair.

This actually made me smile. You’re a good writer.

The practicalities of any sort of future don’t worry me. We’ve talked them through - and the challenges are surmountable, as they are with any blended family.

Do you not care how this will impact his wife and child when she finds out.
All the Wives I know that had exH who had affairs are deeply impacted by it.
I would never subject someone else to that hurt even if I didn’t know them.
There are plenty of single men out there.
How would you feel if your partner had an OW?

You're getting an easy ride so far....

Why did you pick a married man? Don't you care that you're hurting someone else?

What advice can anyone give you other than it's horrible behaviour and to go find a man who hasn't made vows to someone, had a child with them and is going to massively damage them when your affair comes out?

I do care. I guess, if I’m honest, I don’t care enough. And that’s shit. I know that.

I’m single, but the father of my DC had an affair. It was in the dying throes of our relationship and actually I was weirdly ok with it. Not ok? But kinda resigned and it focused us on sorting things out for our DC.

Sorry - that last rely should have QT

Don’t throw the next ten years of your life away waiting, please.
I did exactly that. And he did leave, eventually, but for a much younger girlfriend.
They all say the same things.

Blended family - oh get real. You think you’ll be like the Brady Bunch when their DC reaches adulthood and finds out you’ve been daddy’s fuck buddy for a decade?

You’re either knee deep in denial or completely deluded if you really think this will have a happy ending.

Stop being so utterly selfish and grow the fuckup.

18! He’s never going to leave. I don’t know how you stayed in a relationship once he’s said that. How can you take him seriously.

Never

gonna

leave

As someone who was the child in this situation, your ideas of some sort of harmonious "blended family" in the (distant) future are woefully off the mark. This situation only has heartache written on it for everyone.

You are being very naïve.

Is this a joke? The poster has an answer for everything, why did they bother writing. I think it's just a time wasting scam.

Lol.

why not now

No mention in any of your posts about your shagger's wife?

Do you not care about the woman you're likely hurting @Senselesstime?

It feels loving, warm and like a normal relationship when you’re together. But presumably life is good for you currently and your time together has actually been fleeting. Compared with if you were a “legitimate” couple. That intensity doesn’t translate to the real world.

If you were diagnosed with cancer, had a serious problem with your child, were mugged/assaulted… You’d go through it all as a single person wouldn’t you? Unable to rely on him. He wouldn’t drop his family and rush to your aid. He would, in fact, probably distance himself.

This man lies every day of his life multiple times a day. He promised to love and protect his wife. To cherish her. Most people are not capable of this level of betrayal and he is doing it long term. He isn’t a good person and even if you “won” him he would remain untrustworthy with a bad character.

Aren’t you a bit old for this? Finding someone to have sex and a chat with is really easy. This person gives you stolen moments. That’s it. You’re not a wide eyed 20 year old. Grow up.

Pull the other one!

OP you are his bit on the side and need to stay well clear of this man. How is this fair on his wife and children?

its not love Op its infatuation, and you need to walk away. Get some respect!

I would stop the sex OP and see how long it lasts

Come on.

He isn't going to leave. It's all a script.

Wake up and smell the coffee....