Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

These are really good points. Thank you.

I don’t.
I feel completely without answers.

I’m finding this thread really useful.

You don't want advice OP. You just want to justify your affair .

In what way self righteous?

Selfish? Yes, you’re probably right.

I’m pleased that you weren’t too deeply damaged by your ex's affair. It doesn’t sound like it was for long though. Imagine being with a partner and for years and years them lying and sneaking around behind your back. It’s horrendous. Men only get away with this as some women facilitate it.

I don’t.

I’m not sure what I want - external thoughts about this are helpful for me deciding what the fuck to do.

it’s a mess

Because you're convinced you're right.
Instead of realising you are hurting someone so badly.

A year, was what he told me. On and off.

I don’t think it’s comparable to this because I’d checked out already - I have no idea if his wife has.

Ime OP, men in unhappy sexless marriages are out of there like a rat from a trap at the first sniff of a better offer. They very very rarely put staying together for the children ahead of their own preference. So, odds are if hes not leaving, he's either not that unhappy, or doesn't think he's got that much of a better offer.

Would you ever really trust him? If he cheats on his wife, what makes you think you wouldn’t find yourself in the same situation?

hate to break it to you, but yes you are.

cringe that you believe otherwise.

Sorry, but if you've been on MN for a while, I just don't believe you.

I think you're fishing for stories.

You might be right.

He’s been the primary carer for his kid - school drop offs/pick ups etc , day to day stuff since he was tiny.

maybe that makes a difference- I know women who stay together for the kids?

Then let me help. My childhood happiness was destroyed by a man like him and a woman like you . You will be part of doing this to another child. HTH

Isn't this what they all say? sigh it's unbelievable that there are women who fall for this. He's a man who is cheating on his wife - sneaking around, lying ... what on earth is attractive about that?

I’m not sure what you mean?

Go over to the step parenting board here and on reddit.

Read read and read some more. The situations that started as an affair stand out mile. High risk of horrendously contentious co parenting. High risk of significant harm to the children in the middle. Blending with some sort of base line respect between adults is hard enough. Throw in the abuse and disrespect associated with an affair and it has the potential for hell.

Then go and read reddit infidelity boards, the affair ones and the betrayed spouse ones.

The potential for harm is so high and personally I think people who take part in affairs are some of the most selfish, emotionally stunted, manipulate people you can have in your circle.

It isn't a normal relationship. It hasn't the day to day challenges of normal life. It certainly doesn't have the weight of everyone knowing the two of you snuck around fcking for over a year.

You know he is a bare faced liar, he is manipulative, he is taking time, energy and resources away from his child to spend on you.

Could it work? Well you could end up together. Would it be worth the damage, the potential trauma, the impact on your reputation.

There is no amount of sex or attention that would be for me. There is literally millions of people in the world who are single to date in the open, fck as much as you want and not have to throw your morals and integrity out the window to do.

You must be a narcissist. So blasé about all of the harm you’re engaging in, cuz you know, ‘we have fun’ 🙄

If he’s the primary carer of his child does he work? I’d be wary if he can’t bring anything to the table in terms of having a good job and income.
He’s currently got the best of both worlds and you’re letting him. I’d tell him that you can start a relationship when he is single and get on with your life. Don’t wait around for him. If he’s single in 3 months or 3 years it doesn’t matter as you’ll be getting on and if you happen to be single when he is so be it.
Also he probably isn’t having sex with his wife. None of my married friends have sex 😂

It’s not ‘a mess’ it’s very easy. You’ve chosen to be willingly fuck another womans husband deluding yourself that it’s some sort of fairy tale.

Stop being a selfish cow thinking with your fanny.

My friend found out her husband was fucking someone else and had told her they don’t have sex etc etc etc - well funny how my friend was pregnant when she discovered the affair and committed suicide. You’d be ok to have that in your conscious would you? Because it happens

I’d bet a month’s salary he’s lying both to you and his wife. But keep going and having fun, if you want to be exploited and act unethically, all at the same time.

And he could continue with that role if he ended his marriage. If this was about his children I think the last thing he'd be doing is risking an affair. No one but a fool could think an amicable no fault separation could be worse for children than a divorce following one party's discovery of the other's affair.

Ok, so if it's the real thing and he really does love you (which I doubt). Tell him you're breaking things off with him until he's left his wife and free to explore another relationship, I guarantee you won't hear from him again.
I'm not saying men and women don't leave for affair partners because they do, some may even have successful relationships but they are few and far between.
From your posts you don't seem to have an ounce of remorse for his poor wife and child, whose lives will be massively imploded by yours and his actions. He is married to her, he is 100% sleeping with her and she probably thinks she's in a very happy marriage.
Men who have affairs and are genuinely in love with the affair partner don't make them wait 10 years, even then he won't leave. Bottom line is if he loved you he'd move heaven and earth to be with you.
You're a side piece, the minute his wife finds out which she will, he'll drop you like a hot brick.
Find your self respect and find someone who's available

His kid is in school. He has a job, he’s just fortunate to have had the flex to do the caring around that.