Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

Thank you, for this. It’s very helpful, hearing the experience of others. That’s the sort of thing that makes a difference for me. Honestly.

Teflon in what way?

I’m reading every post, and I’m finding it really helpful.

I’m reading every post, and I’m finding it really helpful.

You keep saying this. In what way exactly are you finding it really helpful?

OP doesn't owe us a decision or a resolution.

That’s the thing everyone offers sympathy but like the OP the ones having sordid affairs always think ‘thats sad but we’re different because our love story is special’

When in reality 99% are just grubby affairs full of lies, deceit and delusion

With the exception of one friend, I haven’t discussed this with anyone - so the only perspective I have is my own, and his.

When I posted last night, I was feeling really low and like I needed to just talk it through. Getting it out - albeit anonymously- has already reduced the power of this relationship a little, and every post gives me something to think about.

Dealing with it alone made me feel very ‘stuck’ - I’m hoping this thread will help unstick me.

Do you have a friend, one who loves you and has your back, but doesn't mince their words or is freighters to upset you with what they will say? I don't mean someone who will berate you either! Someone you trust 100%? Mine was my sister. If you do, that's the person you should engage with.

Frightened I meant !

I don't think it does actually.

It just doesn't suit your narrative of what the affair represents in your head.

Does the OP deserve kindness? I mean if as an individual she freely admits she doesn't actually care about the harm she has the potential to inflict on someone else, does she deserve others to show her a level of kindness and compassion she is incapable of giving to someone else?

Do we as individuals have a right to expect others to treat us in life a way that we certainly aren't living by...

Like @Blubbled my STBXH had a long affair and when it came to light two years ago it upended all our lives and my family was ripped apart.

I have lived through some terrible stuff in my past (like “unintentionally making people cry when I talk about it” kind of territory) and NOTHING in my life has ever hurt me so much as his affair. I had passive ideation for a long time. I still have fortnightly therapy sessions. Nobody who hasn’t been through this can fully grasp just how devastating it is.

Without going into a level of detail that will out me, as a result of STBXH’s behaviour at home during his affair, DD was so traumatised she developed psychological issues which manifested as physical symptoms. Think along the lines of losing the use of body parts without warning. I couldn’t work because it was dangerous for her to be alone and for a significant period of time I couldn’t let her out of my sight. She had to delay learning to drive due to these issues. At one point I wondered if she would ever live independently.

DS hates his father for how he conducted himself and barely speaks to him. For a year after the separation he pretty much opted out of life. He’s trying to pull himself out of it but still struggling and he too has suffered from passive ideation.

None of this would have been the case had STBXH ended things in a fair and dignified way. It would have been so much easier to accept if he had just said he wasn’t happy and wanted to split. Instead he kept me married to him under false pretences, still having weekly sex btw, so he could keep his easy and comfortable life but pretending to be single when I wasn’t looking.

You are an accomplice in the destruction of a family and all the individuals in it. You can’t possibly understand the level of damage you are causing.

I once got involved with a man who at the time, was engaged. He told me they were in the process of separating (they had 2 young children). Nothing ever happened between us physically but I did have feelings for him. He spun me all the same lines...they sleep in separate beds etc. Eventually they got married (which he never told me about until after the wedding) so I stopped talking to him.

Fast forward 12 years and I'm happily married to someone else and he is still married to the same woman and they have had another baby recently.

Walk away now OP, it's not at all fair to his wife and he will never leave her otherwise he would have done by now.

Are you actually going to wait another10yrs of this shite and then hope for some kind of happy blended family? I'm assuming your happy to spend another 10 christmas and other special occasions without him while he plays happy families?
If you actually cared about his son you would stop it right now, and if his wife is as bad as he says she is then he would also leave right now.
Do you actually think an 18yr old is going to want to be apart of your family when he finds out his Dad has been having an affair with you for the last 10yrs, because there is noway it will stay a secret, lies always come out in the end and it will unravel itself.

I've been there OP, the whole 'I'm his and he's mine' thing, the 'we share everything' thing, in the end after 2 years and no closer to leaving I ended up being the one to leave. Literally left the country to get away from him. He broke my heart, he told me what I wanted to hear, he abused me and his wife (by having the affair, not physically) he was cake eating and HE WAS NEVER GOING TO LEAVE.

And guess what, he still hasn't, still married. He's actually now a freind to me 15 years on, we message regularly about all sorts but I know nothing will ever happen and no flame is there (for me anyway) I've moved on

Like many have said, men leave their 'unhappy' marriages all the time, it's not difficult to do. If he wanted to he would, but by having this affair you are enabling him to not leave, why would he? It's so so difficult but you need to stop!!

Therapy definitely helps too

This really moved me as I understand every single word from my own horrific experiences with my ex husband's infidelity. I was diagnosed with cancer a few years back and I still feel that that wasn't the worst thing that has happened to me. My divorce, on the other hand.

I hope you and your kids are doing ok

@Didsomeonesaydogs I am sorry this happened to you and your family.
If this doesn’t sober @Senselesstime up as well as what @SamW98 experienced with her dear friend, then I don’t know what will.

I'd bet money that once his child turns 18 he will move the goal posts too.. once hid out of uni, once his left home ect ect.
Do you really want to be with a man anyway who can lie to his wife's face for years, who can go home and play house after he's just finished lying to and screwing you, how would you ever trust him?

Thank you, to everyone who has posted. Especially those women who have shared their own heartbreak, as a result of an affair. It’s made it real in a way it wasn’t. I’m so sorry that you were treated that way.

I’m going to step away from this thread now.

Thank you @TheFormidableMrsC - I know your story from your posts and there are definitely similarities. I’m so sorry you went through such tough times and for your diagnosis.

The kids are now doing better, they’ll never go back to the way they were and we’ve all paid a very high price for his affair with our physical and mental health. That’s the side of it people don’t see. It probably doesn’t even occur to them.

In order for him to live with the cognitive dissonance the affair caused, he had to build this narrative that I was a terrible wife. Although I wasn’t perfect, I was not, of course, a terrible wife, so he had to construct scenarios whereby he could justify his behaviour. Because if he was cheating on a good wife that would make him an entitled POS, and nobody can be the villain of their own story. He was so awful to live with during for the years this was going on, one of DDs mental health team told me it was abuse and I was in denial.

I had it in my head he was a decent man who would never cheat on me, I just needed to be a better wife, keep things running smoothly and everything would be fine. I tied myself in knots trying to please him, not realising he had already given up on us and clearly despised me for just existing.

I will never trust anyone again, because I would quite happily live without love forever to never risk going through that experience twice.

@Senselesstime I can understand his wife not really being “real” to you, because he has not said they love each other, that she wants to be with him and he with her, he hasn’t said what you are having is having just some sex/fun. That would be callous of you in that situation. He has painted it in such a way that you believe he is trapped, she is trapped; they’d both want out, but are living a false front for their child. This is the only story that would make most women who engage with someone “involved” look twice. The sob story, the I love you so much and I only want to be with you story. The my wife isn’t a very nice person, but neither of us are invested in each other anyway story. The we don’t have sex, we are just living seperate lives, one day me and you can be out in the open story. So unlike another poster here I understand you have let yourself step into a “grey area” and let it get to a point where you are in deep, body, mind and heart. The fact is that these situations are not how they are portrayed. Mostly there are as many lies coming your way as there are the wife’s way. I hope you will leave him and that from that day on, you will see these things in black and white. If someone is “unhappily married” or telling you that story, keep a wide berth. You can do so much better, even if you believe your connection is like nothing you’ve felt before. Some of that connection even if you 100% don’t believe this, will be the secretive bubble you are in, and the limited moments together, and the sorrow you feel for his “sad situation”. There’s a 99% likelyhood that things are not how he is saying, so he is not who you think he is, and the only time you’d see the real him is if he ends up in the position of not being able to have his cake and eat it and make the choice. Likely then you will see him for the callous self serving and cold manipulator he likely is. As I’ve said before at the very least he is a very very weak and emotionally immature man. There are always ways out of situations someone doesn’t want to be in, ways that are honourable and deep thinking. A way he could be the best father and provider while being authentic with his wife about the future he wants. If he is not doing that, then either he isn’t a good navigator of how to treat people, or he is most likely a lying cheat who wants two women at his beck and cal to serve different purposes, some overlapping purposes.

Good luck to you @Senselesstime ❤️

Oh he has you right where he wants you.

He is telling you the script he will tell all the other women he will have lined up after you if you refuse to play along. He is hoping you take the bate, dont wise up and hold onto his "promises.

He IS SLEEPING with his DW. Him telling you they are loveless and she is cold, is a LIE. they sleep together and have the relathionship YOU CEAVE.

He has other women lined up if you fail. This is a fact.

You are ruining your chances finding someone who will commit to you by staying with him.

What this slimebag is telling you every time you two meets is a rehearsed farce so he can life the life he wants. Not what you need, he knows what you need and he knows your worth, but he dangles the carrot promise of a future with you because you allow it. You want to believe it.

Can you imagine if he leaves his DW, for you, then will you ever be secure with this type of individual? He knows what to say to both of you to play you both to get what he wants. Its all self serving. Nothing to do with love at all.

Really, you’ve fallen for the oldest story on earth ! Get rid , only one that’ll end up hurt will be you

"They only did it once? And they didn't even like it"
Isn't that what teenagers say about their parents and sex? Between a married man and an affair partner I'd expect more realistic ideas. He is definitely lying to her, and he is definitely lying to you.

I hope you have reached the realisation that this relationship is extremely destructive, not only to you but to the innocent victims of your affair partner. Step away from this thread but I hope you'll step away from the relationship too.

Every word of this. The trauma from discovering my ex's affair will never leave me. You are colluding in the worst kind of betrayal.