Page 10 | Affair - advice

Senselesstime · 2024-08-18T20:01:46+00:00

In a relationship with a man who is married. His situation - I only have his word for it, of course. No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years No kindness Very stressful and tense relationship at home 1 child - around 7/8 He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan. We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way. Back in touch about a year and a half ago. And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time. He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan. I love him. All views welcome.

Thinko · 19/08/2024 13:55

Blubbled · 19/08/2024 10:49

My STBX cheated on me and I kicked him out last year. It has been the most painful and horrible thing anyone has done to me in my living memory and that's saying something!
I'm begging you OP, please read this post back to yourself over and over again until you fully take on what your spirit is trying to tell you. You seem to be able to sense that this affair is draining what is good in your soul, and leaving some sort of darkness in it's place. I am a Catholic and see life in spiritual terms and you might not, but I also sense that you can sense your soul being darkened and the light in yourself diminishing because of your involvement with this man, and the harm you are colluding with inflicting on his poor wife, and eventually, his innocent child. Am I wrong?
I sense that you are not at all at peace with this? I BEG you, please , please end this affair and resolve to never, ever get involved with a man who is anything less than totally free- single or a widower and has reached the acceptance stage of grieving- ever again. Spend some time single as well and consider counselling or therapy to help you gain insight into why you got involved with a taken man in the first place, and explore ways to find fulfilment that not only do not risk harm to others,( because adultery does cause great harm and is now being considered a form of emotional, and even sexual, abuse that causes trauma and even changes in the brain!) but helps you be a light to others, in an increasingly darkening world!
I know I'm a minority in my spiritual beliefs, but I hope our posts helps you to free yourself from the dark, negative situation you have placed yourself in, including the ones who are chastising you, which if you're honest with yourself, are justified!
You can't stop him from betraying his wife, but you CAN stop yourself from colluding with him in it! Take control of yourself and your actions and finish with him for good; I would say that this time next year you would feel so much lighter, both in terms of a weight off your conscience ( I think you do have one and it's starting to bother you, hence you posting here! please listen to it!) and in yourself in general. Don't share in his fantasy that hides his real darkness anymore! He has too much badness in him, the sort that is contagious and we need to quarantine ourselves from.

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Thank you very much for this perspective, it's appreciated. Sometimes people don't feel the weight of carrying around ongoing deceit until years later. Taking part in wrecking someone's marriage most definitely opens the gateway to a dark place. I'm guessing the OP isn't here to have her mind changed and is far too intoxicated by now. She'll cling onto her mirage despite all the well meaning wisdom imparted to her. However, a guilty conscience has led to creating this thread. There's still hope (possibly).

Have a great day

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/08/2024 13:55

PinkLemonade555 · 19/08/2024 13:27

Nor does he love his wife.

framing it like this makes it seem like a competition. It isn’t. Both women perform different functions for him. That’s it. He certainly isn’t a prize to be won. It isn’t a ‘who does he love more’ contest.

he has disrespect for them both.

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Absolutely. There are some really bitter posters on this thread who are using the OP to lash out at. It's horrible. It's the cheating spouse who deserves the ire, as much as you want to give them.

I've reported the 'legs open' post upthread. Vile.

PinkLemonade555 · 19/08/2024 13:57

The OW and wife are both duped by MM. They are not so different.

yes often the OW ‘knows’ the truth of the situation. But then they think, he’s not lying to me and they feel ‘special’ because they are the ones being confided in. The only ones who know the ‘truth’. It’s a total mind fuck. MM are skilled manipulators. You have to be, to lie every single day of your life to someone you share a home and child with.

and I agree with PP that the language used is unnecessarily mean and just a bit gross tbh.

Original poster

Senselesstime · 19/08/2024 14:21

There have been some very, very thoughtful and helpful posts on this thread.

I'm really grateful for them.

OP posts:

tothelefttotheleft · 19/08/2024 14:30

This is nothing to with his child.

Why would a man who is staying in a marriage for his child choose to spend his free time with you instead of with his child?

That's such a contradiction.

As other posters have said look at his actions instead of listening to his words.

betterangels · 19/08/2024 14:37

I've reported the 'legs open' post upthread. Vile

It was blunt, but it's often true. OP has seen this as some romance, them against the wold, they're each other's person, when it's much more likely that the man is bored but a coward. And if it wasn't OP, it would be someone else.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/08/2024 14:40

It was vile, not blunt. We have different standards in posting, that's fine.

OP isn't in the right, there's never a good reason to have an affair but she didn't deserve that.

I agree that in many/most cases, if it weren't the current OW there would be another one. The MM in question having no love or respect for anyone - not his wife, his family or his 'girlfriend'. A lacking excuse for a person.

betterangels · 19/08/2024 14:43

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/08/2024 14:40

It was vile, not blunt. We have different standards in posting, that's fine.

OP isn't in the right, there's never a good reason to have an affair but she didn't deserve that.

I agree that in many/most cases, if it weren't the current OW there would be another one. The MM in question having no love or respect for anyone - not his wife, his family or his 'girlfriend'. A lacking excuse for a person.

I would like to point out that I didn't write that post. I would have used different language. But OP needs to cop on. It's a waste of her life.

PinkTabby · 19/08/2024 15:38

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/08/2024 13:55

Absolutely. There are some really bitter posters on this thread who are using the OP to lash out at. It's horrible. It's the cheating spouse who deserves the ire, as much as you want to give them.

I've reported the 'legs open' post upthread. Vile.

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The crudeness was the whole point of it, which you missed apparently.

Changingeveryday · 19/08/2024 15:50

Blubbled · 19/08/2024 10:49

My STBX cheated on me and I kicked him out last year. It has been the most painful and horrible thing anyone has done to me in my living memory and that's saying something!
I'm begging you OP, please read this post back to yourself over and over again until you fully take on what your spirit is trying to tell you. You seem to be able to sense that this affair is draining what is good in your soul, and leaving some sort of darkness in it's place. I am a Catholic and see life in spiritual terms and you might not, but I also sense that you can sense your soul being darkened and the light in yourself diminishing because of your involvement with this man, and the harm you are colluding with inflicting on his poor wife, and eventually, his innocent child. Am I wrong?
I sense that you are not at all at peace with this? I BEG you, please , please end this affair and resolve to never, ever get involved with a man who is anything less than totally free- single or a widower and has reached the acceptance stage of grieving- ever again. Spend some time single as well and consider counselling or therapy to help you gain insight into why you got involved with a taken man in the first place, and explore ways to find fulfilment that not only do not risk harm to others,( because adultery does cause great harm and is now being considered a form of emotional, and even sexual, abuse that causes trauma and even changes in the brain!) but helps you be a light to others, in an increasingly darkening world!
I know I'm a minority in my spiritual beliefs, but I hope our posts helps you to free yourself from the dark, negative situation you have placed yourself in, including the ones who are chastising you, which if you're honest with yourself, are justified!
You can't stop him from betraying his wife, but you CAN stop yourself from colluding with him in it! Take control of yourself and your actions and finish with him for good; I would say that this time next year you would feel so much lighter, both in terms of a weight off your conscience ( I think you do have one and it's starting to bother you, hence you posting here! please listen to it!) and in yourself in general. Don't share in his fantasy that hides his real darkness anymore! He has too much badness in him, the sort that is contagious and we need to quarantine ourselves from.

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I’m also a Christian now. There is a greater plan for your life than this OP. This is just a distraction that as blubbers said, is spiritually draining you, it will also cause so much destruction and pain that you must see that this is not of the light, but of darkness. It may not feel that way when you’re together, but deep down you know that you would not want this same situation for anyone that you care about, and that it has the potential to destroy so many people, including yourself. It is already changing you as a person, as you have to be dishonest on a daily basis, in a hundred ways no doubt, and support him in his dishonesty. If she discovered the affair, he would most likely drop you and redirect all his energy into getting her back and telling her plenty of lies to make that happen. If he instead chose to go of with you, do not expect a happy ending or any sense of peace with this for the rest of your life.

IOnlyNeedTheSilence · 19/08/2024 16:17

Yeah I agree calling someone a cock vessel is...unhelpful.

Lovethat · 19/08/2024 16:19

If he wanted to be with you he would. It really is that simple. He'd leave his wife and kids for you, make his life messy 'if' he wanted to.

He's not staying because he's a nice man, he's not, he's having an affair with you, this isn't the actions of a nice man. If he wanted to be with you 100% of the time he would be with you!

PinkTabby · 19/08/2024 16:44

IOnlyNeedTheSilence · 19/08/2024 16:17

Yeah I agree calling someone a cock vessel is...unhelpful.

It’s not though. OP views this relationship as some kind of romantic, forbidden love affair, when in reality it’s OP fucking a married man several times a week. The best thing OP can do for herself and the other family involved is to stop deluding herself with what this relationship is. If he wanted to be with her, he would. He doesn’t. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and if it isn’t with OP it will be with someone else.

Just stop debasing yourself already with this behaviour.

ramsayboltonshounds · 19/08/2024 16:50

@PinkTabby

That's exactly what I meant by it. Her and this man are not making love, they're not having a romantic liaison. He's fucking her. And if he wasn't putting his cock in her he'd be putting it somewhere else. My words are not designed to degrade her, or hurt her, she's doing that by herself. Now, other people can use flowery language if they want but it won't help OP to understand that all the married man sees is sex. Yeah yeah we can all pretend to be miserable at home, we can all profess to be in love to get what we want, he's clearly a fantastic actor and we all see things that aren't real when emotions are involved, but the actions of this married man are very clear. It is just sex. Throwing tea and sympathy at her isn't going to make her see the truth.

PinkLemonade555 · 19/08/2024 16:56

ramsayboltonshounds · 19/08/2024 16:50

@PinkTabby

That's exactly what I meant by it. Her and this man are not making love, they're not having a romantic liaison. He's fucking her. And if he wasn't putting his cock in her he'd be putting it somewhere else. My words are not designed to degrade her, or hurt her, she's doing that by herself. Now, other people can use flowery language if they want but it won't help OP to understand that all the married man sees is sex. Yeah yeah we can all pretend to be miserable at home, we can all profess to be in love to get what we want, he's clearly a fantastic actor and we all see things that aren't real when emotions are involved, but the actions of this married man are very clear. It is just sex. Throwing tea and sympathy at her isn't going to make her see the truth.

You don’t know the exact nature of their relationship. The very least we know is he is weak and a liar. But that’s it.

and you’re just revelling in being unkind.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/08/2024 17:00

PinkTabby · 19/08/2024 15:38

The crudeness was the whole point of it, which you missed apparently.

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I didn't miss it; you didn't need to post it. Make all the excuses for it that you feel you need to..

I haven't seen any flowery or forgiving posts here, OP is being extremely foolish. betterangels said that OP she cop on and that she's wasting her life. That really does illustrate the position well, without the need for base and misogynistic language. Where is his opprobrium? It's OP's thread yes, but he's the other party who is 100% responsible for the pain he causes his family.

==

OP, if you are still reading, please think about what you are doing with your life. He is wasting it and you are letting him do that willingly. I promise that you'll look back on this time with regret. It is always regret.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/08/2024 17:06

ramsayboltonshounds · 19/08/2024 16:50

@PinkTabby

That's exactly what I meant by it. Her and this man are not making love, they're not having a romantic liaison. He's fucking her. And if he wasn't putting his cock in her he'd be putting it somewhere else. My words are not designed to degrade her, or hurt her, she's doing that by herself. Now, other people can use flowery language if they want but it won't help OP to understand that all the married man sees is sex. Yeah yeah we can all pretend to be miserable at home, we can all profess to be in love to get what we want, he's clearly a fantastic actor and we all see things that aren't real when emotions are involved, but the actions of this married man are very clear. It is just sex. Throwing tea and sympathy at her isn't going to make her see the truth.

As PinkLemonade says, you're just revelling in being as unkind as possible. You seem to be enjoying yourself like some sort of thigh-rubbing tricoteuse. Own it and stop pretending to be 'educating' the OP with your queasy ranting.

CowTown · 19/08/2024 17:11

I don’t think he’ll leave. He’s stringing you along. I also think he’s still in a sexual relationship with his wife. It’s a shame you’re going to waste the next ten years of your life chasing a man who won’t leave his family for you.

Original poster

Senselesstime · 19/08/2024 17:18

ramsayboltonshounds · 19/08/2024 16:50

@PinkTabby

That's exactly what I meant by it. Her and this man are not making love, they're not having a romantic liaison. He's fucking her. And if he wasn't putting his cock in her he'd be putting it somewhere else. My words are not designed to degrade her, or hurt her, she's doing that by herself. Now, other people can use flowery language if they want but it won't help OP to understand that all the married man sees is sex. Yeah yeah we can all pretend to be miserable at home, we can all profess to be in love to get what we want, he's clearly a fantastic actor and we all see things that aren't real when emotions are involved, but the actions of this married man are very clear. It is just sex. Throwing tea and sympathy at her isn't going to make her see the truth.

You aren’t actually saying anything radically different to most other posters.

The salacious way you’re expressing it means it loses impact though. It distracts from your perspective and makes it less powerful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Senselesstime · 19/08/2024 17:19

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/08/2024 17:00

I didn't miss it; you didn't need to post it. Make all the excuses for it that you feel you need to..

I haven't seen any flowery or forgiving posts here, OP is being extremely foolish. betterangels said that OP she cop on and that she's wasting her life. That really does illustrate the position well, without the need for base and misogynistic language. Where is his opprobrium? It's OP's thread yes, but he's the other party who is 100% responsible for the pain he causes his family.

==

OP, if you are still reading, please think about what you are doing with your life. He is wasting it and you are letting him do that willingly. I promise that you'll look back on this time with regret. It is always regret.

Edited

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I am still reading. And it enormously helpful. Thank you.

OP posts:

JanefromLondon1 · 19/08/2024 17:33

I don't know how anyone with half a conscience could willingly inflict great mental and physical (because it physically hurts your heart when you find out about your husband's infidelity) pain on another human being, for sex, especially when a child will get hurt in the process.

As women we don't have to be kind but deliberately tearing someone else's life apart is just fucking horrible behaviour.

And I know you're not married to the woman, the AP is but you know if she finds out it will be hurt, immeasurably and you are contributing to that hurt.

9/10 men are still having sex with their wives whilst trotting out the same old crap that they aren't intimate and are just staying for the kids, when in reality the woman they are having an affair with is just another warm place to put their dick, another woman to stroke their ego.

He must be an unbelievable catch for you to gamble the next 10 years of your life on. Living in the hope that he'll leave her for you once their child is independent. It's a long time for you to hang around wondering if it's true love or just a sordid afffair.

ramsayboltonshounds · 19/08/2024 17:40

It's not trying to be powerful or inflammatory @Senselesstime it's really really not. I have been in your position, the entire thing fucks your head up and I was surrounded at that time with friends who gave me the responses and answers they thought I wanted. I honestly thought we were soul mates, I signed up, just like you, for the whole 'we're each others person' shite, sharing secrets, laughs, meeting each other illicitly. There was a reason that it was illicit. Because he allowed it to be so. I was ready and waiting. He told me exactly what you have written in your posts. I wasted so long just 'waiting'. That wait goes on and on.

Now, I said at the beginning that I don't think you're a bad person and I don't and if I wanted to enjoy you feeling bad (which, if you are anything like me at that time - I didn't care) then I could, like so many others do on threads similar to yours, call you all the names under the sun but I wouldn't and I don't want to.

But, you have been told this is going nowhere in far more 'flowery' language than what I have and whilst you might read it and take it on board for 5 seconds, the minute you're with that married, family man, it'll fly straight out of your head. You need to see him for what he is and I'm not saying that's easy, its absolutely not. But are you happy to be waiting for 1 year, 5 years 10 years until before you know it, your life's flashed by and those 'plans' you've made with him fall by the way side whilst he's lived a double life, having his cake and eating it?!

Secondstart1001 · 19/08/2024 17:42

@SamW98 your poor friend 💔. Unfortunately the op has a Teflon approach to everything everyone is saying so I’m not going to offer any advice.

IOnlyNeedTheSilence · 19/08/2024 17:43

@PinkLemonade555 how on earth do you know what message will get through? Talking to someone like they're a piece of shit isn't really an effective way of changing their mind.

IOnlyNeedTheSilence · 19/08/2024 17:45

Sorry not sure if I quoted the right or wrong person there, I lost track with all the quotes of quotes.