Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

"No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home."

You've been careful not to directly blame the wife here but there's an implication these are unfortunate things that are just happening to him, as if he's a passive victim in a situation he can't control.

If they'd both agreed the marriage is over, that'd be something. You wouldn't really need to post. But this is pathetic betrayal dressed up as a rapturous love affair. He's secretly checking out of his most basic commitments and giving his wife this fake, shitty version of himself that she could never want or deserve. He's trying out single life while keeping his family setup going in case he needs it. What he's telling you is what he should be discussing with his wife. He's moaning that his marriage isn't right to justify having you on the side. It's two-faced, pathetic, weak, cowardly, lazy, selfish, dishonourable.

It reads like he was going to slog it out for another 10 years with this terrible wife/marriage to give his son an awesome childhood but now you've come along and you're each other's person his son can forget plan a. It's self serving nonsense. Undependable. How can you find that attractive.

He's made a lifetime commitment to another woman. Less than a decade ago he created a child with that person. A man who would disrespect his wife, the mother of his child, and his baby in this way isn't worth pursuing but he's done it now, so both you and the wife are somewhat screwed anyway.

You're an easier option for him. The way out of a tight spot.

So he wants you to wait potentially until you’re in your late fifties. He (and possibly his wife) will be in their early sixties and possibly spending a lot more time together, another ten years history will have taken place, possible health issues…. You’ll still be working. Does this sound possible or likely?

I really don’t want to sound like I’m catasrophising - my STBXH gave his various women a similar script. That he’d leave when he gets to sixty. I’m not going to tell you this is immoral - he could be telling the truth. But it’s more likely that he’s not and he’s stopping you from finding someone available who you could have a brilliant life with. Ten years is a long time - if he hasn’t made his decision and left for you by now it’s unlikely his life is a sad as he’s making out….

The passive thing is spot on, very common with men in these situations… it’s like their marriage is this extraneous thing that they have no control over and was just inflicted upon them one day.

I think they genuinely believe this to be the case.

I knew a MM who had affairs throughout his whole marriage, openly admitted it was because he wanted out. Wife found out. She stayed (god knows why) and he just kind of shrugged as if to say… oh well. Still ‘trapped’ then.

it’s so cowardly and weak. When you stop making excuses and strip it back and see it for what it is, it’s so unattractive.

Just to give you an example of how blending families post affair can turn out like.

My exHusband had an affair with his current wife before her marriage to her ex had finished, if it wasn't physical is was definitely emotional. He was friends too with her exhusband for years too.

When they came out as together the backlash they got was what you would expect, her two children didn't speak to her for months and her exh tried to take his life.

Fast forward to today. The children now speak to her and she is involved in her grandchildren's lives.

However, her children do not speak to him, any of his family and refused to come to their wedding. They won't go into any of the same places he is in and his wife has a totally separate life with them than she does with him. When the daughter got married, her father (who presumably didn't have an affair) had a plus one invite for his girlfriend to come, my exhusband was not invited and I think only permitted to pick his wife up at the end of the evening if she stayed in the car.

I have no idea why his wife stays with him, I would be devastated if my children refused to come to my wedding and life was so separated to the point I couldn't have my children and husband in the same room.

Oh dear. You sound incredibly naive

My ex husband told all his affairs we didn't have sex, I was mentally ill, he was leaving.

It wasn't true then, it isn't true now.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't love anyone but himself if he can behave this way. Run a mile.

His poor wife :(

It’s a script. I had the same experience, I left him eventually and he’s still sniffing around 12 years later - he’s still married. Maintains that he loves me but the child he was protecting is now and adult and moved out 😂I don’t engage and haven’t for years.

A man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy

Pp have said it all but the no sex with wife dating from having their child is quite poignant, sex is harder to make time for or even want post partum and his behaviour towards her probably hasn't inspired affection in that regard and it becomes a cycle, I feel for his wife.

A mess indeed. One created by two deeply flawed and selfish people, one of whom is clearly naive

Emd this. Vile situation…….

@Imisscoffee2021 you're assuming he’s telling the truth.

Spoiler alert: they don’t.

I'm sure STBXH told his affair partner we never had sex anymore and we lived like brother and sister or a business partnership when I was initiating sex and blow jobs on a weekly basis.

My mum had an affair with a married man for 20+ years and he also promised that he would leave his family when his son turns 18. This never materialised.
She kept holding on the hope that he would move out but never did.

He also said that he never had sex with his wife but no idea if he was or not. Do not trust what he’s saying!

My advice is to stop having sex with a married man and find one that isn’t.
it sounds cliché because it is just that

A friend of mine was with a married man from when his youngest child was about 2 years old. He said he wouldn’t leave until the children were all 18. Once the youngest turned 18 he decided he couldn’t leave his wife. She wasted 16 years on him, the wife was lied to for 16 years and the only winner was the man.

My advice would be to leave now while you still have time to find someone who is available and not a liar.

The thing I find most incredible about these kinds of stories that men tell about their wives, who they've not slept with for years and years, who they're not emotionally invested in, that they do all the childcare and everything at home and the wives do nothing, blah blah blah, is that the OW are happy to believe the obvious bollocks... that these wives are satisfied with these boring and passionless imaginary lives their husbands have made up. If married life was truly so bad, those women would have packed up and left long before and found something and someone better. No one, man or woman, stays in the relationship that long that is that awful, even if it's "for the kids", because it's soul destroying. It's clearly a massive lie when men tell the OW this cliche and I'm surprised someone who is in their late 40s would so easily fall for it.

In fairness though it is shocking what some women will put up with.

I know a woman who’s stayed with her husband despite him cheating on her for ten years, throughout both pregnancies and was with OW whilst her mother was dying. Had spent tens of thousands of pounds on them.

but yes the staying for the kids is a well worn excuse. Has the benefit of making them seem self sacrificing too.

If he ever leaves his wife for you he will end up cheating on you too. Once a cheater always a cheater. I watched it happen with my Uncle he was always looking for the next best thing. You need to have more self respect than waiting for a man who will never leave his wife the whole waiting till the kids are old enough is bollocks.

Been there, done it, have the 30 year old daughter. He wasn't having sex with his wife, the marriage was dead, he'd leave, blah, blah, blah. I can't regret it - gorgeous daughter - but it was 4 years of stress. If you mess with a married man, you know what you're getting. Your choice, your heartache.
Do not tell his wife. Why would you want to hurt her like that?

It is difficult, you need to get him out of your system and one day the scales will fall from your eyes but I don’t know how you bring that about.

i ended things with my affair partner (mostly emotional but we did meet up a few times I’m ashamed to say). Like others I believed we were each others person. He was allegedly in the process of leaving, I didn’t put I any pressure on and just wanted to support him. He didn’t make any promises but kept saying that’s what he wanted and what he had to do. I do believe they weren’t sleeping together as he messaged me at night and I could see he was on the sofa.

they went to joint counselling, I encouraged him to have individual counselling.
We stopped the physical and I said I didn’t want to do that until he had left. We kept messaging and we said we loved each other. In the end though I realised the cost to me was too great, I was so lonely at weekends and I’d read things on here that made me feel so bad for his partner and children. I thought even if things work out between us how can I look her and them in the eye.
even though I convinced myself their relationship was toxic and over before I came along I knew it was wrong.

I set myself a bit of a mental deadline and told him I was going to try online dating (I hadn’t been long out of a long abusive marriage when I’d met him).

I did and although my heart was still with him I knew I had to move on. But I was probably thinking if he did then leave we’d still be together.

i met someone totally lovely. And told AP who said we shouldn’t chat any more as it was too painful for him and so we cut off contact which was so hard but the right thing.

new relationship went ok but I realised I was always comparing him. It was so healthy in comparison, no love bombing or future faking but more of a slow burn.

after 10 months I ended it as I thought there wasn’t enough lovey Dovey ness and my feelings weren’t strong enough.

was back in touch with AP who is in the process of moving our (but had also in the mean time formed another connection with someone else)

anyway long story short being back in touch with AP made me realise and see him for what he is. And new DP is worth a million of him. Dependable, trustworthy and feels for me deeper than I realised. And doesn’t just see me as a sexual object.

it’s hard to get across here but long story short I nearly ended a good healthy new relationship with someone who is actually single, caring, loving, mature and trustworthy, because of holding a candle for AP for something that wasn’t even real or genuine really.

i wish you luck and I hope in time you can see this for what it is and find happiness with someone who can be totally there for you and who you can trust.

No matter how good it is it’s an affair and he’s married end of ! He either leaves and continues with you or he stays with his wife and tbh I’m pretty that’s what he’ll do and maybe deep down you know this hence your post

I think you need to consider a few things here.

1. Are you willing to be his "dirty secret" for upto another 10 years?
2. If he's telling you the truth, you'll still be the OW who broke up the family when he leaves. Is that something you want your kids to know about you?
3. If he's lying to you, you're complicit in breaking up a happy relationship, in the eyes of his wife, should she find out. Do you want to be part of that for her? Do you want your kids to know that?
4. If he's lying to you, he's sleeping with both of you. Are you ok with that?
5. If he's lying to you, he won't leave ever. How long are you actually prepared to wait for him?
6. How would you feel, if you were his wife and he was doing this to you, regardless of whether you were actually sleeping together?

If you're not happy with the answers to any of those questions, you need to end it. Because it means you don't actually want to be the person you're being.

They never leave unless something forces the issue. He has the best of both worlds. It’s not the same if you end up together as all the mundane stuff you currently don’t have to be involved with becomes part of your relationship - you’ll also have either a heartbroken or furious ex and an angry and confused child/teen/young adult to deal with (depending how this pans out). He’s a liar, you are a cliche even though you don’t feel like one. You’ve convinced yourself this other woman isn’t as worthy of him as you are so you don’t feel bad about what you are doing, but the truth is that he’s not worthy of either of you and if you really want this weak-minded man to be all yours, then be careful what you wish for. How do you know you won’t end up being the one that ‘doesn’t understand him’ if you end up fully together and he goes and gets a new bit on the side as he misses the excitement you likely have now by being illicit. I think you should look for someone who deserves your loyalty and affection and I hope you realise you are worth more than he is offering you.

Shame on you for knowing about it and carrying it on anyway, he is probably a lying narcissistic toad, my ex was exactly the same cheated on me for 7 years and I didn’t have a clue, thoight we had a good relationship but the things he was telling these women about me and our relationship were unreal, do the sensible thing and leave him until he is properly single

Cracking post.