Affair - advice

[Senselesstime]

In a relationship with a man who is married.

His situation - I only have his word for it, of course.

No physical affection or sex for +/- 8years
No kindness
Very stressful and tense relationship at home
1 child - around 7/8
He planned to leave when child was independent - had a whole plan.

We met years ago, just in a saying hello kinda way.

Back in touch about a year and a half ago.

And we’ve been having an affair. Sex, yes. Also lots of fun and laughter. Contact, all the time, by text. If there’s an issue - health/family/work - we talk things through, as we would if this wasn’t an affair. He tells me how much he loves me, all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave right now because of his child. He does want to accelerate his original plan.

I love him.

All views welcome.

You need to end it OP-this kind of shit wrecks lives (speaking from personal experience)

If he wanted to be with you he would leave his wife. If his marriage was that bad, he would jump ship and you would be the ship.

I speak from experience so this will sound brutal but I needed to hear it, he just doesn't like you enough / love you to leave.

It's what people do, not what people say. Deeds not words etc.

Sorry, but for your sake you have to walk away. I know you love him. I know you "can't" but unless he is actively planning on how to build a life with you, walking away is your only way to happiness.

He isn't going to leave his wife.

They all say the same thing of course he still bangs his wife it's page one of the cheaters playbook and you're stupid enough to fall for it .
Anyone that gets involved with a married man deserves every bit of misery they get tbh .
In your 40s and happy to blow up another woman's life and rip apart a small child's entire world get a fucking grip and grow up

Do you really want to be his mistress for another 10 years?
Men in unhappy relationships leave. Period.
If he really wanted a life with you, he would leave his wife. He's making his child the excuse to stay.
He is feeding you line, one used so often by men who have their cake and eat it.
Even if you issued him an ultimatum, he'd still choose his family over you, otherwise he would have left them for you by now.
Have some self respect , end this doomed relationship and find someone who is single.
His poor wife and child.

You'll believe anything!

He's seen you coming.

God, I am so sick of the exit affair narrative.

My stbxh was unhappy in our marriages after I lost my dad, had a miscarriage at 18 weeks of pregnancy and a whole lot of other stuff...and guess what, I wasn't the super wife during that time...

Do I feel less pain because he was unhappy when he decided to screw another woman behind my back???

No, I don't..

Whether you're happy or not, affairs lead to the same damage in the betrayed party.

If you're unhappy, talk to your partner or end the relationship, don't go away screwing someone else...

Sorry, but it's infuriating how somehow the exit affair is deemed as "ok"

He’s not going to leave and he’s probably lying about his home life

no good can come from this

I have been there so not judging but there is no happy ending for anyone if you continue

@Miaminmoo great post- that's the point isn't it- most of these men doing this actually just want someone to add a bit of excitement to a life which is mainly ok but which often gets a bit Groundhog Day in a longer marriage- and I think many get a buzz from having a secret too. I think its less about 'the other person' being amazing - more about the thrill - Difference with women is I think more women who do this actually are unhappy and looking for a potential way out- not all admittedly, but more than men

Did a step-child feature in your plans when you were younger?
There will be plenty of advice on here when you need it. Don't worry.

He doesn’t want to leave because he doesn’t want to leave.

Find some self-respect and end it.

" - I only have his word for it"

And he's currently lying to his wife. What makes you think he's not lying to you?

Affair partners always think that he doesn’t lie to them because they are “special” and their relationship is “ real and true “. And that “ she is the only one he can trust to really be himself “.

No one has ever felt love the way they have 🤮

I don’t think it’s exactly like that. I think there are reasons such as duty and obligation, fear, guilt etc that mean they won’t leave the wife.

there’s no such duty for them to stay with an AP, it’s entirely a free choice, so it’s easy to see why this is deemed to be the truer, ‘romantic’ love.

not saying it’s right, but it makes it easier for the APs to believe in it. It’s not entirely beyond the realms of understanding.

I have no trouble in understanding why affair partners believe this. These men are serial liars and cheats, often very charming and convincing.

The affair partners REALLY need to believe it, to put up with it. especially those who put their lives on hold for decades and miss out on the change of having children for a pathetic cake eater who has no intention of ever leaving his wife .

These men are telling two sets of lies to two ( or more ) women at the same time and they are both/ all completely fooled. No wonder these shitty men get a real buzz out of it , it’s such a power rush . They get to control two women’s lives and know that they hold these women’s happiness in their hands.

And when they feel even a teeny tiny bit of guilt they get to cry in their APs arms while she consoles him / gives him a BJ while his wife is at home washing his dirty pants and cleaning his skid marks off the loo.

Ifs a good deal - if I had no moral compass and a heart of stone I’d go for it too . One man to stay at home and do all the boring bits of life ( like housework and wifework and the drudge of child rearing ) that I’m too good for and allow me to be Disney Mum when I am at home.

And another to do all the emotional labour for me, keep himself looking good , wine and dine me and have fun sex on demand. And be pathetically grateful for any time I deigned to spend with him.

Yeah, you’re being lied to. He’s hardly going to tell you the truth.
His wife probably thinks their marriage is good. They get along fine, she thinks they’re a perfectly normal family. They even have sex. Just not often enough for him. So he’s stringing you along. He has no intention of leaving his wife, but he’ll say and do what you want to hear to keep you on side.
He’s a prick. You’re not much better. You’re knowingly sleeping with another woman’s husband.

That old chestnut.. staying for the kids.
FFS don't.the kids will end fucked up as sure as night follows day.
They have ears they hear the arguments,see mum in bits crying and worse if DV is in the mix.
50years later I'm now reconciling with what happened with what I saw and heard with the help from CBT.
Don't let it happen to your children.

What about how his wife feels? ‘He has a plan’, what if she’s miserable too? He doesn’t sound like he’s made any effort to work on his marriage or considered her feelings at all. Surely it would be kinder for him to end it with her if he’s so unhappy so they can both move on & be happy/find happiness. The kid will pick up on unhappy parents so it’s probably kinder & better for the kid to have 2 separated but happy parents. I’d also consider his current actions & morals with how he will treat you in the long term… best case for you is that he leaves her (he won’t) & skips off into the sunset with you, happily ever after but what’s to stop him doing the same to you down the line?? I hope it all works out for everyone but just keep your wits about you

My first H had a few affairs. I've no idea whether he told them we didn't have sex, but we most certainly did! When I left him, he was mortified, as he never had any intention of us splitting up. He just wanted as much sex as he could get. It really was that simple.

My best friends DH had an affair, which was uncovered 6 months in. He dropped his mistress like a hot potato. My friend forgave (it was a long road), and they are still together now. Yes, still together even though the kids are grown up, so he doesn't "have to stay for the children". Seem to be having a very nice retirement actually.

My other friends DH also had an affair. He did leave, but very shortly afterwards he came crawling back. Friend told he to fuck off.

These men are liars. Of course he is still having sex with his wife. Come on!

At night, when you're alone, just ask yourself where is he? He is a fully functioning adult, who isn't handcuffed to a radiator in his house. He could up and leave and be fully with you, if he wanted to. He doesn't. He's choosing her. Day after day, he is choosing her.

Life is short. I would try to find someone who is actually available, because this dude isn't.

Do you have any idea of the pain and ongoing trauma and damage you could inflict on to his wife and child ?

my father had an affair - the old story of my mother wasn’t giving him sex, they were like strangers etc etc . I know this because I was older when it all came out and I’ve spoken to the OW. My dad was staying for the children ( My sister was young ) , he would leave when she was older , etc . First - let me tell you that no , my parents weren’t having sex ( no , I shouldn’t know all this , I was 20 , but affairs are messy and nasty and involves the whole family ) , not often - but any time my mother would be willing my dad would jump at it , despite him apparently only being there for the children . He did leave , when he got found out and had no choice . He set up home with the OW … they were together for 7 years …. They split because he was still in love with my mother , and now - 14 years later - he is alone and still in love with my mother but she would never take him back . He regrets it every day .

But - let me tell you the damage it did to my innocent sister, who was 12 when it all came out . She withdrew into herself almost immediately , she has had years of mental health issues , she is a recluse and doesn’t leave her room and has never had a job . It all stems from that abandonment. I hope you can live with yourself if you cause that for another human being .

I highly suggest you work on yourself and your self respect - you have fed yourself the narrative that he is your person and you are his . If that was the case , he would be with you . People split up all the time , he could be with you if he wanted to and he isn’t . He has made the choice to stay with his wife and child over you and he makes that choice every day . He spends his time with her , he chooses her to be the one he is in a relationship with , he chooses to live with her , to remain married to her , to sleep in bed with her and very likely have sex with her . If he loved you like he says and wanted a life with you he would do it .

I hope his wife realises what he is and leaves him and has a happy life with their child .

I hope you come to your senses and move on too , I would like to say I hope he does to you one day what he is doing to his wife but after seeing the devastation cheating causes , I couldn’t wish that upon anyone .

This is so awful!

If he’s cheating now it’s incredibly unfair on his wife and child. He needs to accelerate it to yesterday.

Why would you want to be with someone who has done that to someone else? Why is infidelity not immediately an unattractive trait?
If you do get together, I guarantee he will do the same to you because he is clearly comfortable crossing that line.
I also bet, if you were to have a frank discussion with his wife, half of what he has told you is BS. Because let’s face it, honesty isn’t his forte.
All I can say is poor kid.

OP do yourself a favour and get rid. You deserve better x

Oh dear, he really has done a number on you, hasn't he.

1. He won't leave his wife.
2. You are unlikely to be the first, the last or even the only woman he is seeing
3. He is definitely still having sex with his wife
4. Even if he and his wife split, how would you ever be able to trust him?
5. If you are discovered as OW and he leaves, get ready to deal with a life time of hate from the child whose life you turned upside down
6. Even if you can't show empathy to his wife, who is the wronged person in all of this, get some self respect. Raise you standards. Do you not feel you deserve more than 20% of a relationship?
7. Get an STD test. See point 2.

Firstly, how can you live with yourself knowing that his wife who does love him entirely will be living a lie for what over 11 years?! IF he does leave her when the child turns 18? She deserves the right to choose if she wants to be with him or not. You are literally wasting her life I feel so sorry for her there should be a jail sentence for what you’re both doing. It would be one million times worse if he does leave her (bet he won’t) and she finds out it’s been going on for years. There’s no way they only had sex to conceive you can’t possibly be that stupid I bet if you got her point of view it’s completely different. You need to give him an ultimatum - he either chooses you OR her you’re not a doormat and his wife deserves someone better than a low life who’s looking elsewhere. What you are currently doing is ruining a family unit and that child’s life. Don’t think he/she will ever want to know you because they won’t. Awful people tbh both you and the husband