Dumped after two great dates...

[TriPopz]

My very first dating experience since separating from my emotionally neglectful exH and it's fucking broken me.

We'd messaged every day on a dating app for a week or so. Great banter. He asked me out for a coffee. We met up and it was lovely, lots of chatting and laughing, no awkward silences, seemed like we had loads in common. We hugged at the end and swapped numbers. He WhatsApped me that same evening to say he'd had a great time with me. More messaging. He asked me out for a second time. We met again a week later. Same again. He held my hand, stroked my arm, put his arm round me, we kissed goodbye... WhatsApped me again the same evening to say he'd had fun. Nothing for 24 hours. Then this:

Hey, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I wanted to be honest with you. I've had a great time getting to know you, but I don't feel like this is going to work for me going forward. I wish you all the best in the future.

"All the best for the future" like I've been rejected from a fucking job interview!? Then:

I understand you are disappointed. I just feel like we are looking for different things and it wouldn't be fair to you to carry on seeing each other when I can't see a future. This wasn't an easy decision, but I feel it is the right one.I am sorry.

I'm gutted. I stupidly fell hard and fast but I thought it was mutual. I certainly wouldn't have bloody kissed him if I'd known I was never going to see him again! He thinks it's too early days for me apparently and doesn't want to be a part of my divorce process. I wasn't expecting him to be! I feel like he's giving up on something potentially great because of something bad that might happen. I naively thought that it was pretty rare to have genuine chemistry with someone you met OLD and so this just seems like a waste.

I don't know why I'm posting other than to stop myself messaging him to ask him to reconsider. Which definitely isn't going to help is it.

He's also now blocked me on WhatsApp and unmatched me on Hinge. Which makes me feel like I've done something really wrong 😔

He's now unblocked you. This to me is a red flag. It's like he's messing you around. Why would you feel the need to unlock someone if you weren't going to see them again.
It's absolutely fine to feel disappointed Op. but please don't message him again.

Don't indulge in silliness like this. It's completely see- through. Just 'no problem, all the best' and move on.

Don't swear at someone again for politely ending things either.

Civil and straightforward at all times.

It’s more the fact he’s telling her she is disappointed I didn’t like. They’ve had two dates who is he to tell someone they are disappointed. If he’d of put maybe you are disappointed then it would lot of looked so big headed wether it’s about him or the situation. Tbh that all doesn’t even matter I’m just glad he told her instead of dragging it out or just using her

I didn't swear at him.

Cross post. I see you didn't swear.

Not necessarily red flaggy but a bit much after 2 dates to ask for a breakdown.

Just read he’s unblocked you - RUN DON’T WALK, this is massive red flag behaviour, it’ll be ‘I was scared by the intensity of our connection, but I can’t be without you’ kind of shit next.
Move in knowing this is 💯 not you!!!

Message him back “Thank goodness you feel that way too. It was lovely to meet you”

I agree about the message: the disappointed bit struck an “off” note, but even that might have been a misfire part of the approach in the rest of it which seems be to try to be genuinely sympathetic and respectful of your feelings. If he doesn’t want to go forward ( for whatever reason) i guess it’s the best he can do.

My hunch is he has met someone else he wants to pursue things with (and it may peter out too) and has tried to do the right thing.
For that reason I actually WOULDN’T send the “no spark for me either message.” It’s not true and it would kill any possibility of him making an approach again in the future - as who knows, he may often get cold feet with people early on and eventually realise this error. Not to say to sit waiting BY ANY MEANS. Get on with your life. But in my gathering wisdom I have learnt it normally isn’t necessary to burn the bridges you leave in your wake.

This reads to me as a practical rather than emotional decision for him. Do you have children? Does he? It really reads to me that he’s thinking with his head and not his heart.

How long have you bern separated?

So sorry this happened, OP. Just go with your feelings and give yourself some time alone to recover.

What a horrible post. What are you trying to achieve here?

Yet this date did exactly the opposite of what you have suggested.
He knew she was vulnerable and didn't add her as another notch on his bedpost. He let her down gently and assertively.

What was silly and unfair. Blocking you?

I've not done a lot of OLD but enough to know how it goes. My first date after swiping left on 98% of them, was ok. We went on a second date. He was nice enough but I wasn't sure still. I completely felt it was like being in a job interview and felt him assessing me! He sent me a text the next day to say thanks but no thanks. @TriPopz I had a great big cry about it ....and I didn't even like him!

Being rejected is not easy especially when you're going through a divorce.

Be kind to yourself. I waited four years to start dating and I still found it rough!

This

I think he sounds reasonable, he doesn't see a future with you and doesn't want to lead you on. He sounds like a decent guy, just not meant to be.

He was probably accurate in his assessment, it clearly is too soon if you are falling hard after 2 dates. If OLD, you need to both be able to take early rejection and be able to reject others as necessary. You got lucky with this one, he has behaved as well as you can expect.
If he's already divorced, he will know the process, if you told him your stbexh was abusive, he understands that process will be hard and also that you will need time to process the past. You should take time on your own. If you are telling dates too much detail about your ex, that's a red flag to a date.

I'm assuming she replied to his first text saying she was disappointed (or similar) and that was his response?

Your language around two dates with a virtual stranger is too intense. Breathe.

You should have messaged back "who dis?"

Having been on many dates OLD and I think he's been pretty nice about things. Lots of them just ghost you, never arrange the first date on god the list goes on.

Dating in general never mind OLD is tough. At least he's been honest with you. He's just not feeling it.

Look at it the other way, if you felt like he did after a couple of dates what would you do?

I've blocked and deleted most men I've had dates with that either one of us haven't wanted to peruse. A spark and chemistry has to come from both sides.

Dating these days takes a tough skin, or at least that's how I feel.

Sounds like an ok guy who just wasn't that into you. Its allowed. Just leave it alone now.

Good luck with your next dates. Might be some bumps ahead but also some exciting times too.

Everyone is entitled not to date someone they’re not feeling it with. It could be that he didn’t fancy you, it could be that you’re not divorced. To date you have to be ready for it both practically and emotionally and you’re not either.

@Coconutter24
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It’s more the fact he’s telling her she is disappointed I didn’t like. They’ve had two dates who is he to tell someone they are disappointed. If he’d of put maybe you are disappointed then it would lot of looked so big headed wether it’s about him or the situation. Tbh that all doesn’t even matter I’m just glad he told her instead of dragging it out or just using her*

She told him she was disappointed.....he text her saying he didn't see it working. She replied saying she was upset and disappointed.....he replied saying "I know you're disappointed....."

I actually think he sounds like he's handled it really well. I'm wondering if OP has come on a bit strong after 2 brief dates and he's not comfortable and worried about leading her on when she is vulnerable.

I don't think I'd advise the OP to leave the door open for him. It may sound paradoxical, but if, after sending a reasonable and kindly message dumping her, he then goes back on it and wants to see her again, it negates the reasonableness of his original message and presents him as, at best, a flake; at worst, someone who plays mind-games.

It all comes back to the well-worn phrase 'He's just not that into you.' If he was, he wouldn't let the OP's circumstances stand in his way; he wouldn't do anything to jeopardise the relationship.

Sorry OP but it does all sound too intense for 2 dates. Hes politely told you he’s basically not feeling it and you’ve asked for an explanation - if a date responded back to me like that after I’d sent a ‘not feeling it’ message I wouldn’t have responded further.

I get it. The first guy I dated after my divorce got very intense very quick (he was separated too) and it ended in tears. It takes time to heal and work out what you really want after a divorce and OLD can be brutal so my advice would be step back, be single and enjoy finding you.