Dumped after two great dates...

[TriPopz]

My very first dating experience since separating from my emotionally neglectful exH and it's fucking broken me.

We'd messaged every day on a dating app for a week or so. Great banter. He asked me out for a coffee. We met up and it was lovely, lots of chatting and laughing, no awkward silences, seemed like we had loads in common. We hugged at the end and swapped numbers. He WhatsApped me that same evening to say he'd had a great time with me. More messaging. He asked me out for a second time. We met again a week later. Same again. He held my hand, stroked my arm, put his arm round me, we kissed goodbye... WhatsApped me again the same evening to say he'd had fun. Nothing for 24 hours. Then this:

Hey, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I wanted to be honest with you. I've had a great time getting to know you, but I don't feel like this is going to work for me going forward. I wish you all the best in the future.

"All the best for the future" like I've been rejected from a fucking job interview!? Then:

I understand you are disappointed. I just feel like we are looking for different things and it wouldn't be fair to you to carry on seeing each other when I can't see a future. This wasn't an easy decision, but I feel it is the right one.I am sorry.

I'm gutted. I stupidly fell hard and fast but I thought it was mutual. I certainly wouldn't have bloody kissed him if I'd known I was never going to see him again! He thinks it's too early days for me apparently and doesn't want to be a part of my divorce process. I wasn't expecting him to be! I feel like he's giving up on something potentially great because of something bad that might happen. I naively thought that it was pretty rare to have genuine chemistry with someone you met OLD and so this just seems like a waste.

I don't know why I'm posting other than to stop myself messaging him to ask him to reconsider. Which definitely isn't going to help is it.

He's also now blocked me on WhatsApp and unmatched me on Hinge. Which makes me feel like I've done something really wrong 😔

It's not "all" the meet ups....its both the meet ups. You met up twice. First time he wasn't sure but decided to meet again and see if he felt any differently but obviously he didnt. After a divorce, you really do have to protect yourself hard. Don't let your feelings run away with themselves, as you're then vulnerable to crushing disappointment.

OP you had a week of texts with a stranger and two dates. He just wasn’t feeling the same way you do.

I assume there was some back and forward with texts after he sent the first one saying he wishes you all the best for the future. Sounds like maybe you tried to get him to change his mind? Told him you were disappointed etc? Is that why he blocked in the end?

When a man says he doesn’t think it will work he means he isn’t interested. He doesn’t need persuading. Sounds like he likes flirting and leading people on for an ego boost. OLD can be tough. When you get those messages the best response is ‘Thanks for being honest. Best of luck in your search’ and just move on.

At least he didn’t drag the chatting out for weeks before you met up. And he didn’t ghost you. So I would say it could have been worse. You’ll be OK OP. But you’ll need to be tougher if you continue with OLD!

💐

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, I actually think he’s been very reasonable to be clear and honest about it.

You will find someone OP, but in future definitely try to protect yourself and your feelings so both don’t get hurt x

oh, he has interviewed a number of applicants and unfortunately another candidate was more suitable for the role, this time

How can you fall hard for someone you’ve met twice?

At that stage you don't know any of someone's bad traits and it can be easy to get carried away in the moment. While the feelings arent based on reality, they are very real feelings. I think it can be harder to get dumped in the very early stages of dating than later on, at times, because you haven't had the chance to discover that it's a real person with flaws like everyone else so the loss can feel even worse.

The good news for OP is that this kind of hurt generally fades faster. Take time to heal and learn from this not to get sucked in too fast.

You’ll need to grow a thicker skin here. On online dating there are lots of confident men who can easily turn on the charm and tell women exactly what they want to hear and make her feel ‘chemistry’. Thats not what is rare.. the rare bit is that they are genuine. They are out there though.. give the awkward ones a second chance is my advice as they might not be quite as charming but that just shows they don’t have a practiced dating routine.

I don't think blocking is nasty in these circumstances, especially if the response he got was snippy and sweary. He's said his piece, made himself clear, responded politely to a sweary message and doesn't want to get involved in any back and forth. There's nothing more to be said and blocking is the easiest way to avoid waking up to any drunken ramblings from the other person.

OP the "wanting different things" is that the dates didn't lead to sex. He doesn't want to put the effort into multiple dates to get sex. He might be able to get it easier from someone else.

I believe you, I don't think it's a connection issue. Remember, it might have felt like you knew him, but you really had no idea what he was like as a person. Dating is brutal and can be a numbers game. Dust yourself off and get back on it when you're ready.

Take a step back. You’re confusing the excitement of something new with “falling for someone hard and fast”. He’s a practical stranger in the grand scheme of things. You didn’t fall for him, you just enjoyed the excitement.

OLD is a tough game, and you need a thick skin. People who have had a recent break up often use it as a means to bolster their self-confidence and help them feel attractive. The reality is that it usually has the opposite effect.

^^ 100% this, just look at the number of threads on here of people saying that they had a couple of dates and there was no spark,
that’s certainly the case here, he just didn’t feel any connection 🤷🏼‍♂️

Blocking doesn't speak volumes. It is what people are encouraged/told to do on here after rejecting someone. The message was polite and to the point, he was also very observant because the op was disappointed.
The op needs to move on.
The alternative was ghosting or even worse being used for company sex and then ghosted.

We never know what's really going on in someone else's world or in their head.
Maybe he's a twat. Maybe he's just got sacked from work, suddenly has no income and feels too embarrassed about his finances to discuss with someone he's only just met so is trying to let you down gently. Maybe he really likes your company but doesn't fancy you, and that's OK because there are plenty of men who you don't fancy. You just don't know.
All you do know is that you had two dates and there won't be a third. Dating is tough these days so take a deep breath and look for someone else.

I agree with this. I think he was respectful in telling you he doesn't want to continue things with you, and I assume you replied with something that led him to say he understood you were disappointed. Blocking you and unmatching was probably best for both of you, to avoid dragging it out or you trying to convince him to start things up again, eg. while drunk. Or sending angry messages!

Sorry you're hurt, though. I know the feeling. ❤️

Dating after separation is very hard and I remember the feeling well. My ex left me for another woman and I immediately went on OLD. Although I didn't recognise this at the time, I wanted to replace what I had asap. Ie i wanted a husband again! This is easily recognisable to other people and the only ones who you will attract will not be right for you. This guy has quite rightly recognised that you aren't ready. Please take yourself off Internet dating for now and learn to be happy with yourself and make friends. I did after about 4 weeks and then waited a year before I went back on. I am now engaged to someone I met on OLD. your first priority should be recovery. There's no rush I promise. I was 45 when my husband left me and I had a lovely single time which I look back on and cherish. I am now happier than i ever was when married but i also know i would be happy single which is an important lesson to learn Xx

Ok, take a breath, see this as a positive experience and a learning curve. You met a nice man had two good dates and he treated you with courtesy. You're a good picker. He wasn't feeling it. That's fine. People usually have a stock 'thanks but no thanks' text after a few dates. Don't take it to heart, it all means the same thing. That they want to let you know rather than ghost but there isn't really much to tell at this stage.

Trouble with dating after a big relationship is that you'll conflate feelings on that scale with those of a more appropriate scale for someone you've just met. Try to watch this. You shouldn't be 'falling hard' after two dates.

Just a thought, not asking you to explain yourself but consider whether you talked about your divorce more than intended. Easy to do if you felt comfortable and aren't used to dating. Avoid this with new dates, just say 'im separated, the paperwork is all in progress' or similar.

People sometimes just block to keep the decks clear, don't take that personally. Although I would say, if someone ends things again, just accept with grace in future, don't query it. It can be a bit annoying tbh when someone pushes back. Nobody owes you another date and it was your choice to kiss him.

Someone always replies on here to say 'he was married' or 'lovebomber'. Every time. I don't think so in this case.

I thought the exact same thing. You want something more serious he was just looking for fun.

It was two dates it didn’t work out move on there will be someone else if that’s what your after. He hasn’t done anything wrong, it’s better that he tells you after two dates instead of after two months. Bit big headed he wrote ‘I understand your disappointed’ but in all fairness he was right.

I mean this really kindly, because I’ve been there, but you were far too emotionally invested after two dates.

Are you really ready to date again? It sounds like you had a horrible time with your ex and maybe should work through that before dipping your toes in the dating pool again because it’s brutal out there.

I unmatching and blocking is the right thing here.

he has said his thanks - but no thanks and moved on .

So sorry OP- I know its disappointing but I actually respect him for letting you know and not just ghosting you which is a really cowardly, vile thing to do- he's been honest about it and I know that hurts but far better to know now than carry on if he's not sure.

I dont think blocking you is a nasty move, I think its a good thing as if he knows he isnt keen then it will prevent him from messaging you in a moment of weakness or loneliness in the future. I dont think it's because he hates you or anything like that, it's simply drawing a line under it so dont infer bad intentions there.

Dont dwell on this or ruminate, move on and find someone else but dont get too invested so early on.

Sorry you’re disappointed, op. I mean this kindly but I wonder whether the fact you fell for him so quickly suggests that your head isn’t in the right place for OLD. Might be better to give yourself more time.

A few folk have mentioned the disappointment point - perhaps he's referring to more the general disappointment of things not working out as opposed to the specific disappointment of it not working out with him?
@TriPopz I'm sorry it didn't work out, but in reality two dates and a bit of messaging isn't that much to go on. Look after yourself, take time to heal from previous wounds before rushing in.

You sound like a wonderful person and sounds also like you have missed a bullet. He sounds very full of himself. Give yourself a week or two to get over the rejection - we have all been rejected, then move on. I remember a guy texting me ‘I can’t see you any more as I have met someone I really like’. At the time I was really upset but I later met my current partner who is so kind and I can laugh about that text now. What is funny that later the man who rejected me tried to get back in touch later on. All these things feel hurtful but it’s all transient and you will meet someone worthy of the wonderful you.

If the roles had been reversed you'd get the same reply on MN "you don't have to have a reason to dump him after 2 dates".

He's not ghosted you, you are not "free and single", just get on with the divorce, be nice to yourself, use the cliche find yourself, get some confidence and then start dating.