Dumped after two great dates...

[TriPopz]

My very first dating experience since separating from my emotionally neglectful exH and it's fucking broken me.

We'd messaged every day on a dating app for a week or so. Great banter. He asked me out for a coffee. We met up and it was lovely, lots of chatting and laughing, no awkward silences, seemed like we had loads in common. We hugged at the end and swapped numbers. He WhatsApped me that same evening to say he'd had a great time with me. More messaging. He asked me out for a second time. We met again a week later. Same again. He held my hand, stroked my arm, put his arm round me, we kissed goodbye... WhatsApped me again the same evening to say he'd had fun. Nothing for 24 hours. Then this:

Hey, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I wanted to be honest with you. I've had a great time getting to know you, but I don't feel like this is going to work for me going forward. I wish you all the best in the future.

"All the best for the future" like I've been rejected from a fucking job interview!? Then:

I understand you are disappointed. I just feel like we are looking for different things and it wouldn't be fair to you to carry on seeing each other when I can't see a future. This wasn't an easy decision, but I feel it is the right one.I am sorry.

I'm gutted. I stupidly fell hard and fast but I thought it was mutual. I certainly wouldn't have bloody kissed him if I'd known I was never going to see him again! He thinks it's too early days for me apparently and doesn't want to be a part of my divorce process. I wasn't expecting him to be! I feel like he's giving up on something potentially great because of something bad that might happen. I naively thought that it was pretty rare to have genuine chemistry with someone you met OLD and so this just seems like a waste.

I don't know why I'm posting other than to stop myself messaging him to ask him to reconsider. Which definitely isn't going to help is it.

He's also now blocked me on WhatsApp and unmatched me on Hinge. Which makes me feel like I've done something really wrong 😔

No, I didn't reply this. I asked him if he wouldn't mind taking the time to explain his reasons, as it was unexpected and I was a little disappointed.

After 2 dates? He doesn't have to explain anything to you. It is ok to not want to continue.

Seriously the red flags are from you,

I'm gutted. I stupidly fell hard and fast but I thought it was mutual

You need to spend time on yourself. You need to recover from your divorce, and not wrap your self worth in 2 dates.

Some men go on lots of dates on OLD. As do women.
Disappointing that he isn’t interested, but at least he said.

I agree with this. Personally, I would just block him now, or at the very least delete his number, and don’t reply to him if he contacts you again.

Don’t let him play games with you.

I really can’t understand the block and unblock and then him messaging you again to say it was unfair that he blocked you.

This to me is now red flag territory and I would actually block and delete if I were you. Up until this point I thought he was ok but this is definitely game playing.

Don’t get dragged into a cat and mouse game.
💐

I think it probably is too early days for you to be dating if you are taking it this hard. Two dates with a stranger off the internet is nothing. You have not been "dumped" - that implies you were in a relationship! He just didn't want to pursue a third date. Take a bit more time to heal and get through your divorce .

That wasn't clear from the OP. It was only further on that it was explained the 'disappointed' bit was in response to the OP actually saying she was disappointed.

Kind of what I saw in it. I can't see what he's done wrong really. He didn't ghost, he's been honest with an ego attached.

Are you ready for dating OP. Falling hard and fast isn't a good thing I don't think it you're fresh out of a marriage.

Hi OP. I haven't done on line dating for a couple of years but have done plenty before that!

This is completely normal although obviously disappointing. Part of the reason I haven't done it for a while is that I can't face going back to it just yet as you have to be in a really good / thick skinned place to be able to deal with these kind of situations. I would say he's actually been more courteous than most as sone just ghost / block you with no explanation after you feel you have built up a good rapport with them!

I have been stood up in a pub (30 minutes after he messaged me saying that he couldn't wait to meet me), been cancelled on an hour before we were due to meet after I had got ready and arranged childcare and been ghosted a few times after meeting. There was one man that I really really liked. We went on 2 dates and kissed at the end of the 2nd one then was ghosted. If you aren't in a good place then you can feel quite hurt by it all and take it personally. Bit honestly don't. If everyone was right for everyone then we would all be in relationships with each other.

It's such a subjective thing. Don't get too involved. Move on. Please don't feel like it's you!

I can understand you are disappointed. I have been in situations like these where you think things are going well and then the guy says he doesn't want to take forward for whatever reason. At least he was decent and honest about his feelings, without ghosting or slow fade.
Nothing wrong in asking why they feel so but at the end of the day, you just have to accept the reality of the situation. I personally never block anyone and always end on a pleasant note.

OP, with kindness, it doesn't sound like you are ready for online dating, if this is your response to a perfectly reasonable message after 2 dates.

The man has behaved normally for meeting someone online who you assess as:

• wanting more than you can give them
• can sense you are falling for them hard
• tells you they are disappointed in ending it

Many people doing online dating just disappear (ghost) without saying anything when they don't want to see someone again, so he's been decent about it, and his messages were kind.

I personally don't date separated (not yet divorced) people as unless it's been years (and even then I don't understand why they aren't yet divorced) so many with that status are not emotionally ready to move on.

The intensity of your feeling for him is probably because you've been so starved of emotional kindness by your EXDH. The behaviours of your EXDH towards you will have impacted you subconsciously. This man could even be a case of right man, wrong timing, but there will be many more down the line.

My advice is to take yourself off online dating, and focus on finalising your divorce. Also reflect on yourself, perhaps have a few therapy sessions to talk your feelings through with an independent person and enjoy time to yourself before embarking on a new romance.

The blocking and unblocking seems a bit sus. Seems he is looking for an ego boost.

I'd just say 'no worries, I just wanted the feedback because it's handy to know for when I hit tinder again, all the best - anna'.

Tbh he probably was looking for a shag and didn't get it so moved on.

You'll kiss a fair few frogs before finding a relationship op. Kisses are normally like date 2 or 3 territory right? Probably the majority of people you have 3 dates with won't become partners. So it's not a big deal really. Probably just feed bigger than it is as you're newly single.

You could text him back “disappointed?, no not at all. All the best.”

He hasn't dumped you. You weren't in a relationship.

I know it's hard but it sounds like you aren't ready to date yet.

Just to answer the 'I don't know why they are not divorced' comment. My ex dragged it out so much we ended up in court. Due to a backlog it took 6 months to be listed and then a further 5 months to get the order. That coupled with him messing about in the negotiation stages, even though it was him who left me, meant it took over 3 years to get divorced. I was ready to date, and did, before I was actually properly divorced.

Do we think he's just moved on without so much as a backwards glance then?

I know I'm taking it excessively hard. And mourning the idea of the thing rather than the actual thing. I honestly didn't expect to like anyone on OLD.

I don't think he's done anything bad or wrong or that he OWES me any kind of explanation. I know it's all on me.

I just needed a vent.

What do you mean moved on without a backward glance. ?

op you met twice, there was nothing to move on from.

The post edit function is a nightmare, the ability to reply to your own quote directly under it would be great though. A lot of posters don't RTM anyway so will continue to respond to your original post regardless!

It seems like you have both handled it reasonably.

He hasn't felt the spark and let you know after a couple of dates and a kiss rather than dragging it out and worse after spending the night together.

You've been taken on the whirlwind of feeling happy with a nice guy and enjoying his company and attention after the end of a bad relationship, those feelings can make you feel like you've fallen hard and fast. Make you think there's a future far too quickly and let your emotions control your head. It happens.

Some posters have been quite harsh to you, clearly they are perfect and never been caught in the rebound bubble.

After my abusive ex, I met my rebound on Tinder, we chatted for a week on a friendly basis no flirting at all. Talked about our recent breakups (mine was extremely recent his was a few months). Over the next week we started flirting. The following fortnight was a high emotion, intense, lovebomb on steroids. From both of us. He pulled back really fast, we talked, realised we needed to chill. Thought we were taking it slower and then he just blocked me on everything. I felt heartbroken, for 3 days.

You will be fine. Feel what you are feeling. Let the emotions process and your head will get back in control soon. 💐

As for the man in this, don't think he's a bad guy at all. You've not picked one that would say what you wanted to hear to get you to sleep with him and then ghost you either. That's a win for your first round.

Take a breather, be kind to yourself and set the benchmark.

Do we think he's just moved on without so much as a backwards glance then?

Yes, I do. Which after two dates is entirely appropriate. He owes you honesty but not another date.

It was 2 dates!

He has nothing wrong but I am starting to think you could get benefit from professional help

This. Sorry OP but for him it’s been a couple of dates, no spark and that’s it. There’s really nothing to move on from

Sorry oops but at 2 dates in, there's nothing to 'move on' from. Bare in mind that people on apps often date a fair amount. He could have had two other dates that week too.

It hurts because more if you're feeling starved of affection. Maybe looking to a man to help you rebuild your self esteem after the last one tore it down. But online dating rarely makes one feel better about oneself. You gotta have a thick skin for it.

Fine to vent and be disappointed but what do you mean by has he moved on without a backward glance?- Yes, and thats fine.

You had two dates, thats it. As a PP said, there is nothing to move on from- you weren't in a long term relationship, it was two dates.

Genuinely not trying to be unkind but you are behaving as if this was a year long relationship, you only met twice.

If he's online dating he'll be dating as many matches as possible trying to find which one suits him the best. It's a numbers game. You don't put all your eggs in one basket at the start.

You need to explore why you think you've fallen for him after two dates. Because that isn't possible. You can't know him well enough for that. Which means this is something to do with you. I don't want to say desperate, but there is likely a huge "need" in you to be in a relationship which is overriding everything else.

Just try and stop thinking about this now

Poor bloke has done nothing wrong. Hes been polite, relatively firm, clear about his intentions ...

It was a couple of meetings ups. There is a problem of this causes you to 'fall hard' and then overthink whether he's 'moved on already'

My advice would be to stop dating full stop for now. It's clearly far too soon after your marriage ending and you're just going to end up feeling worse and worse

I suppose it's hard to convey here, because I'm coming across as a red flaggy rebounding bunny boiler, probably rightly so. But in person, the physical intensity was on both sides. Obviously you have to take my word for it but. I didn't get swept up for nothing.