Dumped after two great dates...

[TriPopz]

My very first dating experience since separating from my emotionally neglectful exH and it's fucking broken me.

We'd messaged every day on a dating app for a week or so. Great banter. He asked me out for a coffee. We met up and it was lovely, lots of chatting and laughing, no awkward silences, seemed like we had loads in common. We hugged at the end and swapped numbers. He WhatsApped me that same evening to say he'd had a great time with me. More messaging. He asked me out for a second time. We met again a week later. Same again. He held my hand, stroked my arm, put his arm round me, we kissed goodbye... WhatsApped me again the same evening to say he'd had fun. Nothing for 24 hours. Then this:

Hey, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I wanted to be honest with you. I've had a great time getting to know you, but I don't feel like this is going to work for me going forward. I wish you all the best in the future.

"All the best for the future" like I've been rejected from a fucking job interview!? Then:

I understand you are disappointed. I just feel like we are looking for different things and it wouldn't be fair to you to carry on seeing each other when I can't see a future. This wasn't an easy decision, but I feel it is the right one.I am sorry.

I'm gutted. I stupidly fell hard and fast but I thought it was mutual. I certainly wouldn't have bloody kissed him if I'd known I was never going to see him again! He thinks it's too early days for me apparently and doesn't want to be a part of my divorce process. I wasn't expecting him to be! I feel like he's giving up on something potentially great because of something bad that might happen. I naively thought that it was pretty rare to have genuine chemistry with someone you met OLD and so this just seems like a waste.

I don't know why I'm posting other than to stop myself messaging him to ask him to reconsider. Which definitely isn't going to help is it.

He's also now blocked me on WhatsApp and unmatched me on Hinge. Which makes me feel like I've done something really wrong 😔

I think she responded with the fucking job interview comment, and he then followed up with the your disappointed thing.

Some very pertinent messages here about your comment that you’ve fallen hard and fast and that you’ve been dumped. You are massively over-invested in someone you really don’t know. It was 2 dates - a few months ago, you didn’t even know he existed. I’m sure this will have come across to him. Even if it didn’t - it’s not healthy. It just shows how vulnerable you are.

Above all - what’s the rush? You’ve just come out of a marriage - why are you rushing to get into another serious relationship? Spend some time single. Focus on having fun; doing activities you enjoy. You’re used to having a man in your life but you don’t need a man in your life. Spend some time finding yourself. Date for fun, not for commitment. You’re not ready and, anyway, why rush into something else? It would be a huge mistake.

I'm pretty sure that she didn't make the job interview comment TO HIM

Honestly OP if you feel like this has f*ckin broken you, you're probably not ready to be dating again. Lots of people would be wary of dating someone going through a divorce and at least he let you know straight away instead of messing you about. As PP have said, he's probably dating several people and decided to pursue a relationship with someone else. You need to chalk it up to experience and remind yourself to take it slowly getting to know someone and not let your expectations get raised after a couple of dates.

After the "all the best for the future" text, did you message him back before getting the "I understand you are disappointed" one? If so, what did you write?
He might have been scared off by an intense response to his first (polite) one.

That's how I read it too. I thought the bit about being disappointed was in response to a reply OP hasn't posted here.

OP, disappointment aside, it wasn't a disaster. You picked someone nice and had a good time. Feeling invested so early on could either be a sign it's too early and that you're still too bruised from your previous relationship to be dating, or just that you need to adjust to dating again - that's for you to digest and decide.

Feelings will get hurt sometimes whilst dating and another time it might be you letting someone down. It goes with the territory, unfortunately. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a little time.

There’s always one 😂 How would an unmarried guy politely say that he’s not feeling it?

OP, it is disappointing (I’ve been there!) and I’m sorry. Unfortunately it often happens that a date goes well, but after more consideration, one decides that this isn’t right for them. It sounds like no one has done anything wrong, so don’t doubt yourself, it’s just one of these things. I think it’s decent of him to let you know early on that he doesn’t see this going anywhere, he didn’t use you for sex or strung you along, he decided after two dates that he doesn’t want to pursue it.

Some very pertinent messages here about your comment that you’ve fallen hard and fast and that you’ve been dumped. You are massively over-invested in someone you really don’t know. It was 2 dates - a few months ago, you didn’t even know he existed. I’m sure this will have come across to him. Even if it didn’t - it’s not healthy. It just shows how vulnerable you are

Yeah I agree with this. He will have known you have fallen hard and fast - it's very obvious when this happens and maybe he just felt it was too much too soon. I agree you're vulnerable- it's your first date after splitting with your ex and you are coming across like you really need someone to fill in the void and unmet needs you didnt get from your ex. Thats totally understandable- of course it is, but it wont come from someone you have only been on two dates with and its way too much pressure to put that on someone.

I am not blaming you in any way here- but I do think you need to get yourself into a more stable emotional place first because your self esteem and self worth absolutely cant hinge on someone else (especially someone you've only been on 2 dates with) otherwise this is the result- you end up feeling devastated it hasn't worked out. Huge difference between wanting to have a partner and feeling like you need one to make you feel "ok"- you know?

My darling, OLD is not for the faint hearted. I bet, I just bet, if you texted back saying, "Oh my, I'm glad you felt that too. I was stressing about how to tell you the same thing! All the best"

I bet he would be texting back... Too late though!

OLD is a minefield;tread carefully.

Two divorced friends encountered many divorced men on there who seemed to think now they were single they had become cassanova reincarnated and were only interested in brief liaisons for sex and wanted to rack up their body count.

It's also a perfect platform for cheaters unfortunately.

You'll encounter loads of frogs before you find your prince.

Thus, but for the people rubbishing him what did you want him to do, pity date her, ghost her, he gave proper explanation and he is called names?

So what could he have done differently?

I had a similar but reverse thing. Two very enjoyable dates. But on the second they mentioned how great Farage was, in passing. I sent a message later saying how I didn’t think it would work out, without mentioning them being a Farage supporter. I suspect they were baffled as to my reason, perhaps trivial to them, but important to me.
Perhaps OP used the wrong knife for the fish course? 😀

Op you need to reframe this.

You didn’t fall hard and fast. You got swept up in something new and nice.

You didn’t get dumped. He just decided to not continue dating you. That’s what dating is for. You go out a few times and see if it clicks. It didn’t for him. And that’s ok.

But it doesn’t sound like you are actually ready for dating. You are early in the divorce process and jumping straight in with a man simply because he is nice and pays you attention. That will end in pain for you. Either this happens or (worse) you meet someone who realises you are desperate for love and attention and uses that to treat you like shit while keeping you on the hook.

You are taking this very personally. You aren’t really ready if someone deciding they don’t want have a third date puts you in this mind set.

It’s not actually clear Op did you reply, the below, to him

‘All the best for the future" like I've been rejected from a fucking job interview!?’

He can have had a great time and not felt a spark. Hes being honest. No need to beat yourself up. This will be the first of many dating is hard!

You fancied him and it ignited some hope for you, I can understand it's disappointing, the dating game is brutal, you learn to be more guarded and to take a stranger's attention for a pinch of salt sadly.
The reason he gave as you going through a divorce, I feel could be an excuse but at least you definitely know he doesn't want to take it further, it could of been worse, some of them slow fade or completely ghost you, or use you until you've slept together then decide they don't want you, be thankful at least it didn't get that far.

Oh op, I am sorry. How disappointing and unexpected, given how much potential it was showing. You’re allowed to be pissed off.
I SUPPOSE his response is quite nice (given that he could have ghosted you) but still. He’s clearly insane if he can’t appreciate you for the goddess that you are.

I think he hasn't done anything wrong. It's a polite message and kindly worded message. It's a bit wankerish him saying 'I know you will be disappointed' but it's true as you are disappointed so I don't think it's that bad.

I think it's understand and able to be sad about this but it's daft to think it's means much. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you at all, just that you aren't what he is looking for.

No, I didn't reply this. I asked him if he wouldn't mind taking the time to explain his reasons, as it was unexpected and I was a little disappointed.

I didn't think that was too red flaggy but, apparently I'm not the best judge!

He's since unblocked me saying it was "selfish and unfair" of him.

To be clear, I don't think he's done anything wrong at all. I am too fragile for OLD - it was a silly spur of the moment thing a few weeks ago which obviously I am now regretting.

This. I totally get your disappointment but he’s done the decent thing if he wasn’t feeling it, even if the wording wasn’t brilliant

He hasn't done anything wrong.

He could so easily have strung you along, slept with you and then dumped you.

You've got to slow right down, it takes a long time to really know someone.

"I understand you're disappointed ". This would give me the ick anyway. Who does he think he is?!

Disappointed that it didn't work out in general, as opposed to disappointed in not having him, perhaps? 🫣