Dumped after two great dates...

[TriPopz]

My very first dating experience since separating from my emotionally neglectful exH and it's fucking broken me.

We'd messaged every day on a dating app for a week or so. Great banter. He asked me out for a coffee. We met up and it was lovely, lots of chatting and laughing, no awkward silences, seemed like we had loads in common. We hugged at the end and swapped numbers. He WhatsApped me that same evening to say he'd had a great time with me. More messaging. He asked me out for a second time. We met again a week later. Same again. He held my hand, stroked my arm, put his arm round me, we kissed goodbye... WhatsApped me again the same evening to say he'd had fun. Nothing for 24 hours. Then this:

Hey, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I wanted to be honest with you. I've had a great time getting to know you, but I don't feel like this is going to work for me going forward. I wish you all the best in the future.

"All the best for the future" like I've been rejected from a fucking job interview!? Then:

I understand you are disappointed. I just feel like we are looking for different things and it wouldn't be fair to you to carry on seeing each other when I can't see a future. This wasn't an easy decision, but I feel it is the right one.I am sorry.

I'm gutted. I stupidly fell hard and fast but I thought it was mutual. I certainly wouldn't have bloody kissed him if I'd known I was never going to see him again! He thinks it's too early days for me apparently and doesn't want to be a part of my divorce process. I wasn't expecting him to be! I feel like he's giving up on something potentially great because of something bad that might happen. I naively thought that it was pretty rare to have genuine chemistry with someone you met OLD and so this just seems like a waste.

I don't know why I'm posting other than to stop myself messaging him to ask him to reconsider. Which definitely isn't going to help is it.

He's also now blocked me on WhatsApp and unmatched me on Hinge. Which makes me feel like I've done something really wrong 😔

Something similar happened to me. I went on an amazing date, really clicked for the first time since I'd split up with my ex 2 years previously, loads of chemistry and talked non-stop. Afterwards he said he'd had a great time, asked if I'd like to meet again and exchanged numbers. Only when I said I'd like to meet somewhere other than his house for a second date did he confess that he was really only looking for some "fun". He said I was a lovely person, but we were obviously wanting different things. I was absolutely gutted, but it was better than getting into something where I'd have got hurt/used.

I think that what the guy wrote to you was polite and, while very disappointing, it may have been a blessing in disguise. If you're online dating, you need to develop very thick skin, because the amount of non-starters and rejection can be brutal.

Agree. Ir could even have been the kiss that swung it for him. I’ve had guys I quite fancy, kissed them and thought ‘not doing it for ms’

Op I have been there he chased me I was very very unengaged. I thought we had chemistry he ghosted me got back in touch saying he thought he wasn't good enough. I said I wasn't his therapist ....then I told him to leave me alone...it's a common thing. ..maybe you will like someone then not and do the same. You need to have boundaries and not fall to early. 😍

I still think it’s more likely a practical reason like he isn’t sure about dating someone who’s still married. Or if you have dc, and he doesn’t, could be that he’s unsure about that? Really sounds like good chemistry was there.

@TriPopz sounds like he liked you but just not enough to carry it on. I know it’s easier said than done but don’t take it personally. He’s done the right thing telling you after a couple of dates, some men might have used the fact you liked them to get a bit more out of you before ending it. I do think you need to try and grow a thicker skin before trying online again. I have dated people in the past and got on well with them and thought hmmm maybe but realised after a few dates I just didn’t fancy them enough. It wasn’t any reflection on the other person. If it was that easy to form a mutual spark the first time you try online dating there wouldn’t be all these single people online looking for the same thing.

We both have children but I have more. I suspect that's played a part too

It's easier said than done but don't take it to heart too much.

I got 'dumped' (well, big word considering it was a couple of dates) by someone after 2 dates, and I have had to told other people I'm not romantically interested in them after dates.

It's fairly normal in this brave new world, I'm afraid.

If you're going to put yourself out there after a long-term relationship ending, a couple of pointers:

• Are you actually ready to date and build a healthy relationship? Or are you looking for a rebound/ validation/ feel lonely? (Personally the latter was the reason why I was on OLD)
• You need to grow quite a thick skin. A profile is just a profile, not a real person. Someone you've met twice is someone you barely know, don't get feelings for them. Keep your heart out of it to start with
• OLD is full of people that just want a bit of attention and aren't actually ready to date. Chances of rejection are quite high with every match, also after meeting up a few times. Is that something that will be good for your mental health right now?

I certainly got really drawn into my first OLD match, who in hindsight wasn't a good match at all for either of us. It's easy to see that first one as meaningful, because in your old life dating someone was probably more meaningful. These days it's a lot more throwaway, delete, block. Easy come, easy go. People looking for perfection/ the one.

However a few months from now you'll laugh at this. And in all likelihood will have had many much better opportunities to explore the opposite sex.

You just weren't compatible and it's good you found this out sooner rather than later.

As others have said you need a really thick skin for online dating, this situation is new to you but it's quite common to go on a couple of dates and for things to still not work out.

If you had had sex on date two it wouldn't of meant that the same thing wouldn't of happened. And even of you get on really well there can be things that just don't match up to what the other person wants. For example I also don't date men who are going through the family courts or divorce as I just don't want the drama and I'm past that point in my life now having done both, my life is pretty full, I just can't commit to being that supportive person you need in those times. I think your dates comments about that were totally fair as well as for him to have those boundaries in place.

As for falling hard and fast, he just wasn't your person and you will meet someone eventually who is and then the two dates will feel like nothing at all.

Are you in the North East? I feel like this could be either of my recent exes! It really really hurts the first time this happens after leaving an unhappy relationship, but you will get stronger.

I'm trying to sympathise with the OP... telling her OLD is difficult for the most hardened of people let alone vulnerable women who want t o find love. Telling her to text him back and tell him the same thing as he has told her.

Not sure why you think this is horrible?

The guy hasn’t done anything wrong. He could have ghosted you but he had the courtesy to send a wish you well message. I’d have just hit the thumbs up to acknowledge the message or sent a ‘It was lovely to have met you, best wishes for the future.’ type message if I were you.

To survive doing OLD you need to be more resilient than you ever thought it was possible to be. The more you date, the more realistic your expectations become to safeguard your emotional well-being. There will come a point where a situation like this will barely register and you’ll think ‘OK his loss! Next!’

Because it's bad advice, suggesting someone new to dating and a bit vulnerable starts out risking making a fool of herself trying to play silly games instead of just taking any rejections on the chin. It's childish. He would have seen straight through it. A breezy acknowledgement is much more dignified.

I agree with this, its never good to start playing games or pretending you feel differently to how you actually feel. Just be honest and straightforward.

Agree. Some men are very good at creating connection and chemistry quickly. Because they want as much NSA sex as possible. The fact he blocked then unblocked and contacted you again makes me even more 🤨

That’s not what you wrote, you basically told her if she didn’t do what she did she’d still be talking to him, which is what she wishes. It was unpleasant. Deeply.

😂

Never change Mumsnet!

Sorry love, you have really read it wrong. Please go back and have a look again at what I explained I meant. Feel free to get back to me when your ducks are in a row x

🙄

@KerChingo this is what you wrote - ‘My darling, OLD is not for the faint hearted. I bet, I just bet, if you texted back saying, "Oh my, I'm glad you felt that too. I was stressing about how to tell you the same thing! All the best", I bet he would be texting back... Too late though!’

I bet if you wrote this…he’d be texting back.

Plus, it’s just silly game playing.

You need to send a standard text back to “ Dear Sir/Madam, thank you for the taking the time to meet me. I am afraid that I am unable to continue as the chemistry is non-existent. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours. Yours sincerely (Your Name)”

Ah OP that's crap, I'm sorry. I remember my OLD time well and not fondly either. I went on lots of dates. Very very few were memorable. When you meet someone you gel with it feels GREAT. So I totally understand the disappointment of it ending with no idea why and also after two dates you've no sane grounds for asking for an explanation.

Give yourself a shake and remind yourself he's a stranger. He could be a serial two dates person, he could be a closet home sexual, he could be still banging his ex wife... You just don't know. What you do know is that he doesn't want to continue with you. If he did, he would. (Sorry!)

Do something nice for yourself this weekend, you will have forgotten him by next week.

His wife probably found his dating profile.

This sort of speculation is so utterly pointless.

All that matters is it's not happening with you and him.

Definitely this. He must have known you'd fallen hard and he must have thought 'bloody hell, we've only been on 2 dates'.

You probably are a bit on the rebound, but try not to rush the next one

Maybe he’s married. Realised that he actually did quite like you and got cold feet in case things got too serious.