I’ve left my husband - please help!

[Mothersmith89]

Hi everyone

I have left my husband of 10 years. 15 together.

for years something hasn’t felt right. We don’t really have sex or much fun together. We tried few therapists. I think I am just checked out.

has anyone else done this? The wavering guilt and doubts are so painful!

I think it’s the right thing but I will never really know will I?!

he keeps indirectly mentioning about how I’ll regret this at 40 as no man wants a 40 year old woman

is that true? Any stories of life after divorce. I’m 36, one 6 year old. Can’t have more kids (physically impossible) is there life for me? I’m so scared : (

looking for any stories, either way!! Thanks xxx

If you are asking me - I think everything apart from abuse and infidelity can be worked through.

To paraphrase Mandy Rice Davies, 'He would say that wouldn't he?'

I got married at 40 for the first time. I have had years of being married to a brilliant man.

He's talking out of his arse.

There is a poster on this thread who sounds a lot an angry man. He’s firing out dismissive, one line put downs, the subtext being “I have no time to understand the nuance of your situation - bam - here’s a list of research reports (of variable credibility)”. Hopefully he’ll be leaving soon to attend his Project 25 discussion group.

Please don’t stay unhappily in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you. You have one life and it is perfectly possible to raise balanced and happy children as a single parent.

Are you the husband?

Somebody has already done that one.

Nah, you're wrong. It will only work if both parties are prepared to put in the work, and how often do you see men on here who have a f/t working wife and still do absolutely fuck-all housework or childcare despite having been asked, pleaded with, shouted at, wept at to pull their weight?

You can destroy someone with contempt. It isn't that hard, and lots of men do it.

Equally, partners can simply grow apart. I know one couple who are better as co-parents doing genuine 50/50 than they ever were married - they are friends now, their DD has grown up loved and secure. What damages children is conflict, not divorce - and it is possible to have divorce without conflict.

Not surprised.

Are you male or female?

And hijacking threads too apparently. You can sacrifice your own happiness to uphold some fixation on ‘family unit’ should you wish, but your opinion bares no relevance to anyone else with their own individual set of circumstances. If you’re so intent on families staying together then crack on with having a go at unfaithful/ lazy/ uninvolved / selfish fathers who destroy marriages and families and leave women picking up the pieces. Start your own thread about it!

Why?

My children had nothing when I was married. He controlled everything. We never had a holiday or days out. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house. The children weren’t allowed to have friends round. I had to beg him to buy them a pair of socks. My DCs spoke to me like shit, because that’s what they saw him doing. They were desperately unhappy.

I left him when DCs were 8 and 3. I have given them a good life, and we are very close. They were much happier after the split, and could finally enjoy all the things that children deserve. They are adults now, and neither of them bother with their DF, as he spent years not bothering with them.

Why do you think my children ‘deserved’ the life that they would have had with him?

Source them please. Source studies where unhappy parents in an unhappy marriage produce less healthy children than happy co parenting parents.

I’m think in everyone’s views actually.

Exactly! why say this after she's already said they've tried therapy, they don't have fun or sex together, jesus christ I despair sometimes

OP I can't believe he said that about how you'll regret it & no man wants a 40 years old or older woman, what a spiteful thing to say, my fella is mad about me & we got together not long before my 40th. leave now, don't waste anymore of your life, I know it's scary, I thought I'd be alone & lost when my sons dad left me 7years ago but honestly it was the right thing too

Best of luck @rubyslippers

What the fuck is the deal with the posters telling the OP to stay with a shit man for the sake of the child?! Seriously?!

If the best reason he can give you stay is “you won’t find anyone else” then you have definitely done the right thing.

This is the hardest part. It will get easier.

I ended my unhappy marriage when I was 37 and with 2 kids, and met the love of my life just a few months later. Almost 6 years on & we're all incredibly happy!

In your view.

Yes in my view - there is absolutely no research out there on it at all.

I left with a two year old and a baby at 35. Financially I'm fine, which helps. There was no abuse, it wasn't awful, but I was miserable and had been for years. Our baby was the result of the only intimacy in three years.

A year on, I haven't tried dating. I don't want a new man around my children and I have to recover, rebuild myself and I'm nearly there, my ex is a very present and mostly reasonable co parent. The kids are with me but he sees them 3/4 days per week. I genuinely think they're unscathed by us separating and I'm no longer a shell of myself.

My advice is to take it one day at a time and don't think about dating until you're absolutely ready.

You've tried therapy and it's taken you nowhere so why some posters think you should stay and put up and shut up I can't imagine. Unfortunately, when some people say everything can be worked through they mean as the DM you should forget your own happiness and just keep going for the sake of the kids.
I've never had any DC and a lot of that was because my parents weren't happy together, always a lot of passive aggressive nit picking at each other. My DM admitted she wasn't happy but stayed regardless- in my head as a DC that equated to =have DC, get stuck, be unhappy, so I never had DC. Anyone who believes DC don't notice their parents are unhappy together is full of shit frankly

Disagree. Mum had an affair when we were kids and her and my dad split up and remarried other people within 2 years. I got 3x as many siblings and twice the amount of Christmases.

Everyone comes to the grandkids natitvities and chats over coffee and mince pies.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect people to be best buds after something like that but they all made a decision to put us first after the fallout and, despite a messy affair, everyone chose to move on and be happy. Time can heal.

@Emz1212 how is better for my 4 year old to hear Daddy call me a stupid cow? Or comment frequently on how certain tasks were 'woman's work.' The example of our marriage sets the bar for her future relationships. It was a low bar. Far better in my view that she learns it's OK not to accept that low bar and that I'll be there to help her pick up any pieces as my parents have for me.
OP, I'm 4 weeks in. I'm sad, i've moved out of my home and he's already moving the goal posts for the nights she's staying with him. But my job now is to navigate this as best as I can for both of us. Longer term, I know this is for the best.

OP my BFF was married three times, one good one, two shits
She's 63 and went Internet dating.
She rejected the posers, liars, tight arses and no good in bed crew. She now lives with her 36 year old Ralph Fiennes look-e-like.
36 is just a babe, you'll be fine, he'd be under the patio if he'd been my husband.
Good luck. X

I think you've been jumped on a lot and I don't wish to join in. I would say that you're not looking at "the research" critically. There are various factors involved in the outcomes for children. It sounds like, from your perspective, a child would be happier living in a family with poverty, relentless arguments, even neglect just as long as the parents are together. That's objectively untrue. It might be helpful for you to look at research more rigorously.

Men who say that make me want to scream . If anything , I've got 5 kids , I've found a lot of men will be attracted because there is no pressure for more children in my experience, and then there is men that do want children, your status and situation won't be for everyone , but everyone isn't for everyone , so what he says is an out and out lie , my ex said nobody would want me , I've got short hair , and autism and a lot of kids , but I'm fine . I couldn't be with someone that horrible and life is short, using anymore of your alloted time on that vile waste of oxygen is frivolous. It's a process but stick with it and I promise you'll be laughing about him soon enough .