I’ve left my husband - please help!

[Mothersmith89]

Hi everyone

I have left my husband of 10 years. 15 together.

for years something hasn’t felt right. We don’t really have sex or much fun together. We tried few therapists. I think I am just checked out.

has anyone else done this? The wavering guilt and doubts are so painful!

I think it’s the right thing but I will never really know will I?!

he keeps indirectly mentioning about how I’ll regret this at 40 as no man wants a 40 year old woman

is that true? Any stories of life after divorce. I’m 36, one 6 year old. Can’t have more kids (physically impossible) is there life for me? I’m so scared : (

looking for any stories, either way!! Thanks xxx

Wait, experts have studied the OPs family and in those particular circumstances have decided that the child will be better off with their parents staying together?

Nasty (bitter) thing of him to say, so given that personality, I think you made the right decision.

But he's not wrong. I think many above are sugar coating it, and they're the exceptions. Single mum, can't have more kids, hitting 40... it's not going to be easy.

Dating at this age is hard for both sexes.

@Emz1212 source please?

Why the assumption that the OP wants a new partner? There can also be a life for her without a man.

OP I know someone who left their husband a few years ago- both in their 70’s. He was a miserable sod and very avoidant, she wanted to be happy. She has since met someone else and is having a great time.

I separated from my husband in my 30’s with 2 children. Have since remarried- when I was over 40. Your ex is telling you nobody wants you over 40 says much more about him than it does about you….don’t be swayed!

There isn’t one source. Literally every academic study. I mean I could post one link - but what’s the point when you can google hundreds.

I have a handful of local separated friends. All that have wanted a new partner have found one. And all similarish age to them. One partner has moved in and one is due to in a few months. All mums with kids.
It’s not easy but you can find love.

Also, my ex husband said something similar- that I wouldn’t cope without him and didn’t realise how hard life would be as a single mum. Well it was hard but nowhere near as hard as being stuck in a miserable marriage. It was a last ditch attempt at making me scared enough to stay- I suspect yours is trying the same tactic.

My view too. Really ridiculous response from you.

So post one that actually stands up to scrutiny?

Pile of shit and you know it.

There is one - there are countless others

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4240051/#:~:text=Two%20large%20meta%2Danalyses%2C%20one,and%20Keith%201991%3B%20Amato%20and

I mean I don’t know it.

@Emz1212 hundreds? Of course there are.

Yes there are.

To be fair, she didn’t say stay in an unhappy marriage, she said make it work

Well done for your courage in leaving when you weren’t happy. I don’t have an answer about the doubts you feel - but I would imagine that most people leaving a marriage would have at least some doubts and fears.

I just had to comment on the ‘over 40’ comment. This is a such classic, sexist move based on the idea that a woman’s only value is youth, physical beauty and the usually implied child-bearing abilities. It’s fears like this that men use to control women, keeping them dependent and ‘small’. As someone else has said (but I have to repeat it, because I think your husband’s comment is so appalling), by that logic, he also wouldn’t have wanted you when you reached 40 and would only have stayed with you out of duty or because you’d ‘trapped’ him into marriage when you still had your alluring youth. Of course, there are men who think like this, and your husband has just outed himself as one of them - either that, or he’s desperately reaching for tired tropes about female worth, which he has consciously or unconsciously internalised, in the hope of trammelling you into staying. Either way, it reflects very poorly on him and I would say that this concerning characteristic is something you can hold onto to reassure you about your decision, should you find that helpful.

In my experience, decent men, like decent women, want partners who match them in maturity and experience. And any who don’t want this are not worth worrying about.

@Starlight7080
"men dont equal happiness"

100%

He’s talking absolute rot. I broke up with a long term partner at 35 and met the love of my life at 36.

Life is too short to waste it with the wrong person. Even if you didn’t find love again at least you’re not closing yourself off and leaving yourself shackled to this prince for another 45 odd years. Go and live and enjoy your life.

It is well known that kids do best in a happy family with 2 involved parents. However, if the family is unhappy, kids will probably do better with 2 happy involved separated parents!

I’m 43, have two kids aged 9 and 6. I don’t love my husband anymore and can’t help it. He is a brilliant dad and kids adore him. They will be devastated if I decide to leave him. As his work is busier (and more paid) I wil probably have kids during the most of the week so kids will hardly see him. And financially we are better off as a couple. I feel like I’ll be scrambling if we separate…
but on the other hand I feel trapped. I don’t feel like I’m going to meet the love of my life as I have already had it and it’s long gone…
but I feel miserable most of the time and it’s not fair on him either. There is just so many things I’m unsatisfied with my marriage to him…

OP I left my marriage after 10 years, 3 small kids, about to be 40.

I occasionally wondered if anyone would ‘want me’.

However, the turning point was that I’d rather be single than be in the marriage.

It’s been the hardest and best thing I ever did for myself.

(And, crucially - I’ve not found anyone who is put off by my circumstances!)

It's actually not every single academic study - I just did a quick Google, and what @Emz1212 said is at the very least a misrepresentation of the research. The picture is much more complex than that, which makes sense because we're dealing with human beings here.

Yes and it doesn’t stand up to scrutiny.

It’s massively flawed. Mainly because you can’t compare what impact the exact same children would have suffered had the marriages stay together.

at least some children, that were studied will have been in abusive households. Do you really believe they would have had better outcomes if their mother had stayed married.

It doesn’t look deep enough into the situation of the divorced to see why those outcomes occur. Because that’s not of interest to them. Why not?

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/