I’ve left my husband - please help!

[Mothersmith89]

Hi everyone

I have left my husband of 10 years. 15 together.

for years something hasn’t felt right. We don’t really have sex or much fun together. We tried few therapists. I think I am just checked out.

has anyone else done this? The wavering guilt and doubts are so painful!

I think it’s the right thing but I will never really know will I?!

he keeps indirectly mentioning about how I’ll regret this at 40 as no man wants a 40 year old woman

is that true? Any stories of life after divorce. I’m 36, one 6 year old. Can’t have more kids (physically impossible) is there life for me? I’m so scared : (

looking for any stories, either way!! Thanks xxx

I come from a ‘broken family’ as you so delightfully put it and I got the highest GCSE and A level results my school had ever had.

I’m so annoyed that it turns out I would have done even better if my parents hadn’t divorced!

I met my partner aged 35 and he showed me what being treated like a queen is like.

There is a whole world out there to explore either on your own or with a man who makes you and your DC happy.

Move forward with excitement and realise you will be showing your child to do the difficult stuff, independence and ultimately that happiness and being true to yourself are the only things in life you can truly control.

Every 6 year old deserves to live with both parents?

Even when one parent abuses them? Even when one parent emotionally, financially or physically abused the other parent? Do 6 year olds deserve to live with both parents then?

Where parents neglect their children, do 6 year olds deserve that too?

Where one parent is a drug addict or alcoholic? Does a 6 year old deserve that?

What about where the parents marriage has deteriorated to a point it’s a toxic household, the 6 year old deserves to be have been raised in a house like that?

Your statement is very sweeping.

Why are you thinking of 'who'd have me'? Why aren't you thinking - what do I need a man for?

Not everyone wants a man. Or a relationship. or anything other than themselves and the kids.

I'm living proof. I've got kids, a house, a car, a job, friends ... Why do I need a man? I have a great life. And my kids grew up with 2 parents who both love them.

I would in a hearbeat. Find a lovely man in his mid forties or someone who doesn't behave like a teenager. A single child is much easier to deal with, and can have a huge amount of attention given to them. I wouldn't want to have to deal with a new baby, especially given that she would be probably 38 by that time. If a man can't accept your situation, then that's the idiots fault, not yours. A women with life experience who you can be friends with, and have the same interests is far better than a 20 odd year old who has nothing in common with you. After all, when you are 60 onwards, don't you want to be able to sit down together knowing you've got each other.

My wonderful single parent family is far from "broken". We are happy, thriving and have close family bonds

36 is really young! Why would you regret it at 40? That is nonsense. He's not trying to make things work or persuade you by telling you all the things he appreciates about you, instead he is trying to make you insecure and scared of leaving. He's essentially saying - if you leave me, no one else will want you. Bollocks to that! I don't know your financial situation or work situation, and maybe things will be hard or at least different for a while, but hopefully you can build your finances up and build a good life for you and DC and maybe you'll meet someone else too.

The Children's Commissioner published a review in 2022 on the protective effects of family on a child's outcomes. Specifically noting that whilst parental separation was a factor which undermined this protective effect for children where parental conflict was low, children's outcomes actually improved post-separation if there was high parental conflict.

It was UK Government commissioned, and whilst it drew on worldwide research resources, the hands-on methodology and application was specific to children in the UK.

After having therapy and her husband saying that no one would want someone in their 40's, your advice is to stay with the husband? I don't think that it's the most helpful suggestion.

@Mothersmith89 - if you have left your husband that took a lot of strength. Are you somewhere safe? Is your child with you or him? Do you have enough money to tide you over for the next little while?
You will need to go back at some point to get your belongings and whatever paperwork you will need to progress with a divorce.
In the meantime, you could contact your local Women's Aid to get their assistance and help on the next steps that you'll need to take.

@EI12 your well crafted anecdote is not evidence that people should stay together for the children. I suspect @Emz1212 isn't used to reading studies. I can find no studies that compares the social, psychological, economic, educational and developmental advantages of a dysfunctional and very unhappy marriage with divorce. Can you be specific @Emz1212 and provide the link to the studies looking at this?

Sorry to hear, and hope the best for you.

Well done for making the move towards a happier future. I so wish I had left after ten years, I stayed - unhappy - for twenty five. Even so, I found true love a few years later and am now very happy. Good luck op.

"he keeps indirectly mentioning about how I’ll regret this at 40 as no man wants a 40 year old woman"

Says everything you need to know about him, doesn't it?

I also feel the same it’s hard isn’t it! Financially I wouldn’t be able to cope and no offence to anyone I wouldn’t want to claim benefits. I’ve not really ever worked. I got married young and had kids straight away if I had a high paying job I would definitely leave. But circumstances mean it’s better for my kids if I stay. Kids are not as tuned into parents feelings as we all imagine - my kids won’t think “ahh good on my mum for leaving, doesn’t matter we don’t have money for food, clothes, holidays or days out but at least she’s happy now”. Kids are too self absorbed at this age to think outside of material things. Fair enough if I was being beaten up then Ofcourse I would leave but it’s really hard as I know our lives would be less financially secure and growing up without money when I was young compared to having money now I know which option is good for myself abs my kids. If I win the lottery today I would pack my bags!

Sorry OP I didn’t answer you but instead another poster - I think you’re brave and we’ll done but just make sure financially you are secure x

I got married again at 51.
My first husband is not a good man.
Don't waste your life being unhappy.

1. nonsense, 40 is hardly ancient and even if it was people continue finding relationships at all ages

2. why would your life be over if you can't find another relationship? Enjoy your autonomy for a while!

You are aware that many women live a long and very happy life without ever dating anyone?
Also, plenty of women do date in their 40's, lots only start settling down in their 40's. Women in their 40's are able to date men in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and beyond.
So I don't 100% agree that 'dating at this age is hard for both sexes'.

Are you just saying that because your unhappy in your relationship.
And you stayed to work it out but deep down you wish you walked away.
Now you feel its to late its really not you can still be happy.

Why? His nasty comments are hardly helpful

My exH told me that I would start looking my age and no man would want me.

I have been with DH for 14 years and I am now 56. I still don't look my age, but even if I did, I wouldn't want to be with a man that thought that was important!

You'll be fine, ignore the twat.

@Emz1212 posting an ancient study conducted by someone with an evangelical Christian agenda and a bias against same sex marriage does not lend you credibility.

The evidence is very far from unequivocal.

The study which underpins it is actually 2 studies, from data over 30 years ago, and even then the author's summary is " Early problems in the parent–child relationship and low quality in the parents' marriage when children were 10 yrs old (on average) predicted low parental affection for children when they were 18 yrs old (on average). Divorce further eroded affection between fathers and children, but not between mothers and children. "

Then you aren’t looking very hard

Well, if no man wants a 40-year-old woman, he'll not want you in four years, will he? I can see why you want to leave him, that sort of 'reasoning' is cruel, misogynistic and would alienate any intelligent self-respecting woman. As if he's doing you a favour by remaining married to you! 🤮