I’ve left my husband - please help!

[Mothersmith89]

Hi everyone

I have left my husband of 10 years. 15 together.

for years something hasn’t felt right. We don’t really have sex or much fun together. We tried few therapists. I think I am just checked out.

has anyone else done this? The wavering guilt and doubts are so painful!

I think it’s the right thing but I will never really know will I?!

he keeps indirectly mentioning about how I’ll regret this at 40 as no man wants a 40 year old woman

is that true? Any stories of life after divorce. I’m 36, one 6 year old. Can’t have more kids (physically impossible) is there life for me? I’m so scared : (

looking for any stories, either way!! Thanks xxx

Im 38 this year and ive been single for the past 9 of them let me tell you ive had more sex and fun in my 30s heading in my 40s than i had in my 20s and nothing is slowing down.
Because i dont care what people think anymore who cares ive got little muffin top and im short with some gray coming in give up caring and start living.
My middle sister is 40 and dont get me started on her shes getting her leg over every weekend.
My eldest sister found the love of her life at 43.
Both my sisters have kids.
Life really begins when your happy.

It will be more complicated, but it's not impossible. More because you have a child than because of your age. You have to be much more careful, selective, and patient about the men you bring into your child's life.

My friend left her husband at 39 and she had 3 young kids. Similar to you, no big drama, there was just not love there any more.

We had great fun swiping on all the dating apps (they weren’t around before either of us got married). She went on loads of dates, no one seemed bothered about her age or kids.

She eventually got bored of all the dating and found a lovely guy who she has settled down with.

Agree. I find it very difficult to believe that children would do better remaining in a household where there is domestic violence, for example, than they would if they were in a single parent household with no domestic violence.

Having looked at the study posted earlier, many of the sources are from the early 90s, and it takes a broad brush view of location - whereas a child's geographic location can have a significant impact on their outcomes (for example if they live in a country with a greater social safety net, as opposed to a society which operates on a more laissez-faire basis). The author also appears to be from an evangelical missionary background, who has been involved in campaigning against same-sex marriage, in favour of "Family values" and interestingly, stopped volunteering at the medical centre where she used to work because - in her own words - her stance on marriage and family was no longer appreciated by the new leadership.

No it’s not. I grew up in a household where my parents stayed together‘for the kids’. Both me and my brother are psychologically scrarred by the toxic environment and unhappy atmosphere we grew up in.

Well, there need to be a life for you, as you are just starting over.

My ex husband left for the OW when I was 38 (the DCs were 14wks, 2 and 6). I was on my own with them for a while and a few months later I met my DP. My ExH (without any sense of irony) said 'who'd want her, she's got three children'. 😆

The last 10 years have been amazing, with a partner who truly loves me.

He’s just bitter. Ignore. I got remarried at 44 (I have 3 kids) and wasn’t short on offers beforehand.

As a child of an unhappy marriage where they stayed together “for the kids”, I wouldn’t recommend it. It breeds resentment and misery and means the kids don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.

Anyway, you ask if there’s life after divorce. It sounds like there’s not much of a life before divorce for you, so why not take a chance that things will get better?

Hahaha are you the husband?

This old chestnut..... Children know when their parents are unhappy together. They are likely to absorb all of that negativity, and could internalise it, leading to them believing that they are the problem.

Our parents set the blue print for our relationships as we grow older. The child in this scenario deserves to grow up not in the shadow of an unhealthy relationship. The OP deserves happiness for themselves as well.

No they don't actually ,not at the expense of others. The 6 year old child deserves to live with both of their parents.

There is no study that says its better for children for 2 unhappy parents to stay together.

Yep my parents should have separated years ago. They stayed together as me Dad told her we’d never be able to go to Uni (it would actually have been easier), then he became ill and she stayed through duty. He was a verbally abusive narcissist alcoholic who ruined every friendship she tried to have so she was stuck.

Yes there is.

*How does your future look financially?

Can you support yourself without claiming benefits?*

Why without claiming benefits?

At 40 yo are really not over the hill. He's an idiot and if that's his attitude screw him.

You are absolutely right, but this is the wrong site to be saying things like this. Of course it is better for the children and of course a 40-year old woman is no prize for a man of the same age for biological reasons. Reading some of the posts here makes me think if people are being deliberately horrid, by sabotaging existing family units. I posted it before and at the risk of repeating myself - a good friend, gorgeous, slim, full-time job, kind, considerate, caring with one child left her husband who was solvent, kind, caring. She said they stopped being soul mates and she was looking for one. She only found slime-balls on dating apps, wasted an enormous amount of time and efforts and she is still single, 10 years on. He remarried and is a new dad now, even though he was not even looking. People here will say - you will find a man who is wonderful, caring, etc. But what about your child's happiness?

When you say ‘better’, what do you mean?

Do better at school?
Have less mental illness?
Have more friends?
A better job?
Report being happier as an adult?

What’s the metric?

If you’re going to sock puppet, you might at least try to vary your usernames a bit more.

Yes - literally all of those things.

Also, having a child of your own and either not wanting or being unable to have any more kids is actually a massive plus point to many men.

That’s what my friend found anyway. A lot of women on the dating apps in their late 30’s and early 40’s are looking for a man to have a baby with asap. My friend found that having 3 kids and definitely not wanting any more put her at an advantage (rightly or wrongly).

I met someone when I was 53 and my mother met her now partner at 82.

I left my first husband at 46. I knew it was the right thing to do. No abuse, just bored. I did meet another man and we had lots of happy years together before he died.

But, I do know others, of my age, that have regretted it because they’re lonely.

Just do what feels right for you.