I’ve left my husband - please help!

[Mothersmith89]

Hi everyone

I have left my husband of 10 years. 15 together.

for years something hasn’t felt right. We don’t really have sex or much fun together. We tried few therapists. I think I am just checked out.

has anyone else done this? The wavering guilt and doubts are so painful!

I think it’s the right thing but I will never really know will I?!

he keeps indirectly mentioning about how I’ll regret this at 40 as no man wants a 40 year old woman

is that true? Any stories of life after divorce. I’m 36, one 6 year old. Can’t have more kids (physically impossible) is there life for me? I’m so scared : (

looking for any stories, either way!! Thanks xxx

Yes that’s exactly why I am saying it.

@LookItsMeAgain I was married for 20 years, together 25. The good, loving, smart, funny man I married turned into a bitter, abusive alcoholic who psychologically abused our DC and me. I've now been single for 6 years, my DC are adults and I can honestly say I have never been happier. I don't regret marrying, I wouldn't have my DC if I hadn't, but with hindsight I was always better suited to singledom.

I left my ex at 45. I re-married 18 months later to my late DH. We were so happy. I ended up wondering why I'd put up with ex so long. It will be fine (I had two bolshy teenagers in tow, and a custody battle, and that did not phase new man at all - in fact, as ex-youth worker, he was very helpful as well as supportive).
Should add married to ex for 24 years. Late DH died this year after 28 years. (Yes, I am that old!)
You will be fine - and glad you did it, instead of continuing to waste your life on him.

You'll be fine.

Don't worry about dating etc until you're on an even keel.

Once you're ready to engage I'm sure there are plenty of chaps looking for 'friendship and possibly more'.

You probably don’t feel like it, but you’re in the prime of your life. Your husband was talking nonsense. I was widowed at 58, after a long and happy marriage. I couldn’t see any future at all, but, as far as men were concerned, there was no problem. I went on holiday with friends, and went out as much as I wanted to. I’m now in a relationship with a fabulous man and am happy again, something I never thought possible. I know you’re hurting and grieving now, the loss of a marriage is so hard, whatever the reason, but it will get better.

how does he know you even want to meet another man? such presumptiousness from him.

more like he doesn't want to meet someone in their forties but knows he'll look like pervy perveman if he goes after someone in their 20s.

Here to say there is life - stay strong. I divorced at 40 and then met the love of my life .... after 25 years together we married. ( we didn't want to rush as it was the second time for both of us).

I doubt this is a woman.

OP if you have checked out .. nothing is going to get you to check back in .. and your 36 !!! It's so young and its 4 years off 40 ..go be happy and don't worry about getting into another relationship for now .. it will
Happen

Say he were right (and he isn't, you know he isn't!), is another 40 years saddled with him going to be better than living by yourself in your own home with no one to answer to coming and going as you please?

@pointythings - Good for you! I am (and I really don't want to sound patronising or anything) proud of you for doing what you needed to do for you!

ODFOF

OP - you haven't done this lightly - you obviously have reasons

The hardest part is done

You've fucking got this 💪🏻

I think they must be saying it because they are just trying to wind people up. You get the loonies sometimes at thge weekend.

Age is but a number where love is concerned. I was 39. 3 kids. Had to sell our home. I'm now 51 and about to marry the love of my life whom I met after my separation.
And.absolutely not always better for children to stay. Unless you've heard your kids crying in their bed after another parental argument you have zero idea wtf you are on about...

Re the poster encouraging OP stay,
Bollocks.
No one needs to sacrifice themselves for a happy families facade. Children do know when something is amiss. They do learn about relationships from their parents. No doubt they've heard the cruel remarks from their dad to mum and likely seen the hurt on her face. That is an awful thing for children to internalize. It also teaches how to behave in relationships, commonly cruelty from men and taking it from women.
Telling OP to stay when it's clear she has tried (counselling) is tantamount to telling her to suck it up and be a martyr. Cruel remarks often lead to physical abuse. Maybe you chose that, but ffs dfod.

@Emz1212 OK, so no link then. I'm not the one who made the sweeping statement based on "research". The best way for you to show us you're correct is to cite a specific study of quality that is not decades old and that is relevant.

Watch out for the many variables in these types of studies. It would be easy to draw the wrong conclusions based on a quick read.
But not quite as easy as a blanket statement like "make it work because it's better for the children".

You do come across a bit angry are you ok.
If you are being truthful just leave him.

Of course I am not being truthful - it was a passive aggressive response to your passive aggressive statement.

I strongly believe in the family unit. I won’t pretend otherwise.

I left my husband OP as he was a complete workaholic and cared only for himself and his job. Our child was only very little.

I met my now partner when I had just turned 38 and my son was 3.5. He is a truly amazing man and we are currently looking to move in together after 3 years.

He is the man I have always deserved and he is brilliant with my son (has 2 kids of his own and is a widower).

Of course it it possible to find love again but you need time to recover and work out what went wrong and what you want and need going forward and don’t take anything less!

Oh im sorry.
I wasnt being passive aggressive to you at all.
But you still come across angry.
But what if that family unit is falling apart and you cant make it work anymore do you just plot along like an empty shell unhappy kids.
When they grow up and ask why didnt you leave or worse they grow up and and cut contact because of the damage the parents have done.
I really do think you have some staying guilt.

Sorry the first response you got was a bit silly!

36 is nowhere near over the hill! I’m sure you did a lot of soul searching before you pulled the trigger, you should stick with your gut and do what you think will make you happy.

He’s saying what he thinks he needs to say to make you stay but you already know it’s wrong - hence you’ve left. Trust the process, the beginning isn’t easy but the end could look sublime 🤞🏻

I mean if you can’t make it work you can’t - but you have to try everything.

Unfortunately OP it looks like your DH has accessed your MN account.

I am going to disregard him and hope he fucks off.

Of course you have done the right thing. You deserve a happy life. You honestly do.

As for not getting another bloke, that’s absolutely hilarious. Firstly, why would you want one? Secondly, if you did, the planet is full of them. He’s an idiot.

Just keep plodding through it. There’s an amazing light at the end of this tunnel.

In your view, how unhappy does a person have to be before it's OK for them to end a relationship?

Ridiculous comment. I met my now DH 6 weeks after leaving my ex at 41, with 2 DS aged 4 and 7.