Money disappearing

[HorseyJeff]

Money has always been an issue for DH and me.

We're not married, but have been together 12 years. When we first got together we earned similar, and had low salaries. I now greatly out-earn DH, but put a bunch of money in my pension.

In the past few years we've landed on this arrangement: Day to day I cover all the major bills, and he is left to pick up the food shop and small days out. There is backstory I can go into if people think it's relevant.

He also has his own private expenses of child maintenance, savings for himself and his child, and a car loan, which add up to a maximum of £1000 per month. But I believe his take home is around £1900 per month, meaning he has £900 to pay for food shops and days out.

However, more and more his money isn't lasting until the end of the month and I can't figure out what he is spending it on. Part of me thinks : don't worry, we're doing fine financially. But the other part of me is annoyed how his entire salary gets spent in 2-3 weeks.

He has always been shit with money, and when I brought it up in the past he gets annoyed and defensive saying he doesn't earn as much as me and do I want him to give me all his money and I just give him back an allowance (which I don't).

However, now, it doesn't even seem like he is buying anything and yet he already says he will run out of money before the end of the month (He was paid on the first day of August). It is even odder this month as he hasn't had to do any big food shop because we were gifted a voucher that we've been using to pay for food. When he runs out of money, I basically have to top him up by paying for the things he is supposed to pay for.

I don't have access to his accounts. I wonder if he could have a secret debt or secret gambling issue. At the same time, maybe I'm out of touch as £50 here and there just adds up. He has also bought a few small bits for the house.

FWIW we both WFH and spend most of our free time together, so I don't think he has a secret life of drug taking or other woman. I'm also there at the food shops, which cost about £100 for a main shop and then small top ups.

Other than asking him: is there a way to get to the bottom of this, or signs to look out for? Or am I being unreasonable, and I should just ignore it? Is it worth asking him when he'll just get defensive and lie if it is something bad (like gambling) and I won't be any wiser?

He struggled with credit card debt and what I can only describe as a shopping addiction in the past. But I thought we were through that - he paid off the debt, has an excellent credit rating, and isn't buying lots of things like he did before.

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to keep this one short 😔

If he says he's out of money tell him to take it out of his savings. Is he saving too much for him and his DC?

Many posters are arguing that if he is so short of money, then he shouldn’t be putting £200 in savings each month.
If you want to go down that route, then I think it’s then essential to take into account the bigger amount the OP puts in her pension. A pension is still savings (a special type of savings but still savings that are taken into account when people get divorced).
This means the OP doesn’t have ‘only’ £300 at the end if the month but £300+whatever she is putting in her pension on top of the legal amount. Because doing so is a choice, just like it’s a choice for her DP to put money in savings.
Then they should establish how much to put into that joint pot.

fwiw it’s not possible to say putting money into her pension will benefit her DP as they are not married. (Despite the DH in the OP)

It kind of sounds like you might be better off financially if you weren't in this relationship (sorry). I always thought a relationship should enhance/benefit both parties...

I agree with PP that if he is running out of money, he needs to dip into his savings to cover the short fall, that way he is understanding that he has overspent on his budget. My DP and I have a similar set up to you as I’m PT and earn a lot less, but if I run out of cash I dip into my own savings. Just refuse to sub him, he’s a grown adult.

Well, I've just done a weekly shop that didn't include anything extravagant except for a bottle of gin and that came to £117. You may be underestimating the cost of the shopping (it is outrageous these days!). Plus all the little top-ups that soon mount up and the bits and pieces that are inevitably needed and suddenly, you're through £900.

I must admit, I feel quite comfortable at the start of the month but that soon wears off. However, I do agree, he needs to be pulling his weight - it's all very well that he's saving but not if he's saving at your expense.

i always assumed we (2adults) spent about £500 per month on supermarket food ….. until I added up the monthly spending. We actually spend between £800 and £900!? It’s absolutely obscene but we honestly just eat normal food , some alcohol. We have steak, salmon and a lot of salad and I buy £10 worth of eggs each week but even so it’s a huge spend per month!!

This makes me feel better as I always think I’m doing it wrong if I do a weekly shop for £60 for just me, because I hear all these stories of people spending £100 a week for a family of 4 etc and I think I need to make better choices and also that shopping for one is pricey!

I only spend about £50-70 a week on food at Sainsbury's so I'm a bit surprised your Aldi shop is £100 plus top-ups.

4 X £130 is £520 leaving £380.

Petrol £60 a month?
Takeaways? (£150-200 a month)
Lunches/Coffees/Chocolate? (£30-50 a week so £120-200)

Even on the minimum amounts that £320 which would only leave £60 a month for toiletries/clothes/days out.

I'd gently mention that his money doesn't seem to be covering things and sit down together and work out where it's going. You earn enough for both of you so it may be you do need to "sub". Or consider a joint bank account for bills and food.

What do you do with £10 worth of eggs each week?! I buy 12 for about £2 so that would be sixty eggs...

We buy 36 large eggs per week for £10.20 - 2 eggs per person for breakfast (sometimes my DH will have three for breakfast) so that is at least 28 of them gone, then the rest go in baking or we do have a quiche sometimes. Writing it down sounds quite excessive

Yes, this thread is at odds to others posted on MN.

My food bill for 4 adults (that's all food and drink including meals out, takeaways, the odd coffee or icecream, not just supermarket shop) is about £600 a month and I think I am reasonably careful in terms of spending.

However, generally on these threads people seemingly manage to feed a family of 8 for about £40 a week and I always end up wondering what on earth I am doing wrong.

It's refreshing to see people on here say that actually decent food costs money and meals out etc add up.

You are heavily subsiding him and his lifestyle; he doesn't earn enough to be spending that on maintenance and savings AND coming to you when he runs out of money in week 2 of each month.

I'd ask to sit down with both of your bank statements "to review family finances so we can figure out how to save more".

If he refuses, you will know he's been spending on something which is excessive/you would not be happy with. As you share finances, it's within reason for you to try and curtail his spending, if it's having an unreasonable effect on the family.

I would set up an ocado shop and put a stop to the top up shops
Going to Waitrose is cancelling out the cheapness of Lidl. With ocado you can get your basics and your top ups all at once
Then you know how much he has left.
If one week you only spend £80 in Lidl your top up is a lot more that week.
I think you need an overhaul of all your money and costs.
It could be col
I hope you live long enough to use your pension. If you don't have children of your own who is going to receive it?
I know it's tax effective but you need more savings for access really.
You don't say if you want children together etc but if you did everything would change
Has he got resentment toward you.
How much do you spend on yourself toiletries etc?
Why is he paying so much child support?

Are you male or female @HorseyJeff ?

Rarher than you paying for the extra, as hes obviously now used to you doing this so has no consequence to over spending. Tell him you lend it to him and expect it back on payday. Or ask for £600 a month and pay for the food yourself. That way it is budgeted for. Or get a joint account for food that he pays 600 a month into. And another he pays into for day trips.

If take home pay is £1900 he's earning roughly £22k a year? Does he work full time?

A Child maintenance order on that salary would be in the region of £200/£250 per month.

There are certain points in the year where he could support his ex more such as birthday, Christmas, school uniforms etc but in essence he's over paying. Which is fine if he can afford it. But he can't. If he wants to pay that much, he needs a better paying job or a second job.

I think in reality you need to ask him, where he thinks he could live for £900 pm He contributes nothing to rent/mortgage or bills.

Yes the cost of food shopping has increased over the last 2 years but he's overpaying CM by £300/400pm plus saving £200pm.

My DH is the exact same as this. On about 1900 and paid last day of the month with no money left by the end of the month. Feel your pain.

I sat down with him and got him to look at all his bank statements so we could budget better. I also taught him to save 1/3 of his left over money following the payment of bills by opening another account. I aslo told him to see what benefits his current account gives him and If none to shut it down and find a better one.

If I'm honest the saving has helped him. He dips into his savings but never more than he puts in.

He still over spends even after we budgeted but it's far better than going into his unarranged overdraft every month 😱

Edit: Oh we also looked at monthly subscriptions and which could be cancelled!

£150- £200 a month on takeaways! 😱 thats such alot of money

He's not your husband so what's with the DH? and just so you know the economy has shifted its expenses and everything like food you say he is responsible for is one of the biggest inflation I'm not surprised

£100.00 a week to feed two - ridiculous. Don't top him up. He's not open with you, there's something dogy going on, have ut out with him. I would not put up with that behaviour.

If you have been together 12 years how old is his child. At some point CMS will be stopping?

If your earning significantly more than him are you still splitting the bills 50/50.?

As you have a much larger disposable income wouldn't it make sense that you pay the lions share of the expenses?

This was happening to some friends of mine where he was earning more than his partner but they had the agreement that they paid 50/50 which was leaving his partner stressing about money every week.

He couldn't get his head around why this was happening either.

The solution that I gave them was to work out Thier expenses then put the money to pay the expenses into a joint account which pays for everything. But put money in depending on Thier earnings.
IE
Expenses= £2000

You earn £8000
He earns £2000

You pay 20% of your income £1600 towards bills leaves you £6400 fun money
He pays 20% of his income £400 towards bills leaves him £1600 fun money + (to cover his child)

If your paying 50/50 £1000 each he only has £1000 to cover his kid and not much else.

Partnerships are about sharing and if one earns significantly more they should contribute more.

By going through the numbers that would put your mind at rest.

£100 a week isn't necessarily just to feed 2 I buy toiletries etc at the supermarket in with the shop.
If you are a high earner as OP seemingly is do they really have to scrimp on shopping?

I came here to say this!

I think your dp needs to re check the amount of maintenance he pays as £600 out of a monthly pay of £1900 is an awful lot. Is this an amount he has been told to pay by the child maintenance or what the mother has asked for?