Money disappearing

[HorseyJeff]

Money has always been an issue for DH and me.

We're not married, but have been together 12 years. When we first got together we earned similar, and had low salaries. I now greatly out-earn DH, but put a bunch of money in my pension.

In the past few years we've landed on this arrangement: Day to day I cover all the major bills, and he is left to pick up the food shop and small days out. There is backstory I can go into if people think it's relevant.

He also has his own private expenses of child maintenance, savings for himself and his child, and a car loan, which add up to a maximum of £1000 per month. But I believe his take home is around £1900 per month, meaning he has £900 to pay for food shops and days out.

However, more and more his money isn't lasting until the end of the month and I can't figure out what he is spending it on. Part of me thinks : don't worry, we're doing fine financially. But the other part of me is annoyed how his entire salary gets spent in 2-3 weeks.

He has always been shit with money, and when I brought it up in the past he gets annoyed and defensive saying he doesn't earn as much as me and do I want him to give me all his money and I just give him back an allowance (which I don't).

However, now, it doesn't even seem like he is buying anything and yet he already says he will run out of money before the end of the month (He was paid on the first day of August). It is even odder this month as he hasn't had to do any big food shop because we were gifted a voucher that we've been using to pay for food. When he runs out of money, I basically have to top him up by paying for the things he is supposed to pay for.

I don't have access to his accounts. I wonder if he could have a secret debt or secret gambling issue. At the same time, maybe I'm out of touch as £50 here and there just adds up. He has also bought a few small bits for the house.

FWIW we both WFH and spend most of our free time together, so I don't think he has a secret life of drug taking or other woman. I'm also there at the food shops, which cost about £100 for a main shop and then small top ups.

Other than asking him: is there a way to get to the bottom of this, or signs to look out for? Or am I being unreasonable, and I should just ignore it? Is it worth asking him when he'll just get defensive and lie if it is something bad (like gambling) and I won't be any wiser?

He struggled with credit card debt and what I can only describe as a shopping addiction in the past. But I thought we were through that - he paid off the debt, has an excellent credit rating, and isn't buying lots of things like he did before.

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to keep this one short 😔

As others have said, £900 isn't a lot these days, shopping bills have gone through the roof. The 'top up' shops are a killer, as you said, £30ish for a couple of bits. Your DH also has things like birthday presents to pay for as well. Does he pay for meals out/takeaways as well? I think he is doing OK for £900 pm!

This thread is interesting, the people hurling abuse at this man, when if the genders were reversed they’d be shouting it should all be shared equally.

I don't think people would. They'd see that the woman was spending money unwisely and tell her to stop taking the piss.

Not sure about that…people would be saying what should be shared equally? The bills? Do you mean he should pay more?

According to OP she pays all the major bills so she carries the bulk of the financial burden and he has financial commitments outside of their household ie. His child.

If he wasn’t living with OP not sure he’d be able to afford £600 maintenance for one child on his salary.

There is nothing you can say or do because that's his money. Not yours. You have no legal rights to anything. You can't demand that you see his bank statements. You can't demand that he gives you such and such...because you're not married. You are just boyfriend and girlfriend. Unless you share a property a mortgage or something that you've been paying for all these years then technically you have no rights.
You've just been supporting on overgrown child all these years now realising that he doesn't care or treat you the way you want (sorry I appreciate this is really awful to read) You're funding his lifestyle. What he might be doing is squirelling some money away every month for a place of his own or place with another woman...maybe a car. But it isn't for you or else he would have mentioned it already.
This is why it's best to not move in with men and to find out where the relationship is going in the first 5 months so you don't waste your time. He's had his time. He's got a child. He's just playing about now with your time and money
Just give him an ultimatum. Rock the boat a little. But be firm and once you get your answer go forward and don't look back. Just say to him when you're both more relaxed and times not an issue.. say "look if it's at all possible I'd like a bit more money every month starting this month" Tell him to make it direct debit. If he says no then you've got your answer. He's not your boyfriend or partner he's just a squatter in your life x

Clearly the money 🙄

Why don’t you elaborate in the context of this discussion based on what Op has shared about their current financial set up ?

She’s already paying more of the bills and he has outside financial commitments that she is subsidising.

How do you suggest they “share the money equally” lol

Spot on @Birdeegirl I just reread the op and was stunned to see it’s been 12 years with this man.

This is one reason why I’d never live with a man who had a child unless he earned considerably more than me. Because if not, (unless he’s a deadbeat which I wouldn’t entertain) I’m going to end up subsiding his child support.

I once shared that with a man who asked why I didn’t date men with kids and he actually agreed with my logic, even though he had a child himself lol. Actually this particular man not only supported his child but family in another country.

I am 💯 in favour of men supporting their families, but not at my expense with little commitment from them. I hear too many stories of them dumping the same women when it suits them.

I really don't understand how 2 people who claim to be lovers/partners/couples, especially for yearssss, choose not to be financially transparent with each other. We can only assume what he's doing with his money. Without access to his account, you really can't know what's going on with him financially.

If he can't pay for the food shops, he can't afford to have savings so needs to knock that on the head. Also he earns 1900? Thats more than I earn and I have to pay for everything! Somethings amiss. Don't let him gaslight you

Surely thats up to him and her to decide, seems like they've had a different arrangement and he's not sticking to it, either because it's not possible or because he doesn't like the arrangement and is going against it.

Has he asked you where your money goes and what you spend on yourself? You've said yourself you earn more than him. I think you're being a bit unfair and controlling tbh. A pensioner only gets about £900 a month to spend on everything. Where do you do your food shop? Everything costs at least 50% more than it used to, when did you last shop with him? You said he has bought a few bits for the home, could they have been on credit, so he has that extra coming out each month now?

Life is very similar here! I Earn around 5k pm,partner 1.5k. I cover all house bills. He pays his car insurance,petrol etc etc.
By the end of the month he asks me for money,sometimes it's annoying. So I totally get it!
I do wonder where his money goes sometimes? My rough calculations say he should be left with about £400 a month after bills.
I try not to stress it tbh,we are financially okay as a whole. I try to be very mindful of how quickly money goes. A quick pop to Tesco will be 30 quid,and it adds up SO quickly..
Trust me I feel your frustration though!

Gambling?

When times are hard, savings are usually the first thing to cut back on.

Any functional healthy couple should be able to sit down together every once in a while and review their income/outgoings together.

I reread your first post. I wondered if he had given his child extra money for holiday spend etc this month.
Really he shouldn't be putting in his savings then getting you to cover his obligations in your relationship. But he maybe feels annoyed at your pension contributions.
I think he doesn't feel he has to step up and you need to go through both your ins and outs and come up with another system which is fair to you both. I think there is probably resentment on both sides.

Aware OP hasn't been back for days but this man has joint ownership of a house he does not pay towards and instead pays extra child maintenance while his higher earning partner subsidises his living after she worked hard to get where she is.

Cocklodger of the year.

If you were my friend OP I'd be suggesting you go see a solicitor and find out how to remove this man from the house you paid the deposit on and you pay the mortgage on, you aren't married and don't have any other joint finances. Why on earth is the biggest asset shared? Your kind nature is being exploited. Absolutely not saying LTB here, at all, but if he can't be responsible and adult about finances then please do not let him have equity to risk on your home.

Pensions contributions reduce tax paid, if he's resentful of that he needs to grow up. What she doesn't contribute in pensions, or a large portion of it, would most likely disappear in income tax instead.

He will also benefit from her pension if she allows him to cocklodge to retirement.

Gosh I never knew that.

The thing is if you constantly top up then he's got no incentive to watch what he's spending. Stop doing it and see what happens for a few months.

We all have to budget and most of us can't rely on someone topping up.

@Workaholic99 £150-200 on takeaways isn't a lot actually. It sounds horrific but if you have an Indian or Chinese Takeaway once a week it can easily total £30-50 a time for just a simple meal. Fish and Chips is about £25-30 these days for two. And there are more than four weeks in a month. So if you're eating take-out every Friday or Saturday then £150-200 is easily spent. And if you decide to pop to the shop to have alcohol with it, it would be even more.

Fair play to everyone crunching the numbers and understanding percentages and tax rates and the parameters of joint accounts and benefits.

Can I just point a big foam hand at the other 3 things that have emerged:

1. He had an addiction. He probably therefore still has one in some form. What is it?
2. He gets defensive when questioned about money or spending by his long term partner. Why?
3. His long term partner feels they cannot have these conversations with him freely (see above for why, and above above for what she might be afraid of)

Why he is putting away savings for him and his child and then running short on necessary monthly outgoings , which you then pay for? He can only afford to put away savings once all necessary items are covered (I know savings are great and important to try to have, but not when he’s asking you to bail him out) x

Only way is to see his statements.