Money disappearing

[HorseyJeff]

Money has always been an issue for DH and me.

We're not married, but have been together 12 years. When we first got together we earned similar, and had low salaries. I now greatly out-earn DH, but put a bunch of money in my pension.

In the past few years we've landed on this arrangement: Day to day I cover all the major bills, and he is left to pick up the food shop and small days out. There is backstory I can go into if people think it's relevant.

He also has his own private expenses of child maintenance, savings for himself and his child, and a car loan, which add up to a maximum of £1000 per month. But I believe his take home is around £1900 per month, meaning he has £900 to pay for food shops and days out.

However, more and more his money isn't lasting until the end of the month and I can't figure out what he is spending it on. Part of me thinks : don't worry, we're doing fine financially. But the other part of me is annoyed how his entire salary gets spent in 2-3 weeks.

He has always been shit with money, and when I brought it up in the past he gets annoyed and defensive saying he doesn't earn as much as me and do I want him to give me all his money and I just give him back an allowance (which I don't).

However, now, it doesn't even seem like he is buying anything and yet he already says he will run out of money before the end of the month (He was paid on the first day of August). It is even odder this month as he hasn't had to do any big food shop because we were gifted a voucher that we've been using to pay for food. When he runs out of money, I basically have to top him up by paying for the things he is supposed to pay for.

I don't have access to his accounts. I wonder if he could have a secret debt or secret gambling issue. At the same time, maybe I'm out of touch as £50 here and there just adds up. He has also bought a few small bits for the house.

FWIW we both WFH and spend most of our free time together, so I don't think he has a secret life of drug taking or other woman. I'm also there at the food shops, which cost about £100 for a main shop and then small top ups.

Other than asking him: is there a way to get to the bottom of this, or signs to look out for? Or am I being unreasonable, and I should just ignore it? Is it worth asking him when he'll just get defensive and lie if it is something bad (like gambling) and I won't be any wiser?

He struggled with credit card debt and what I can only describe as a shopping addiction in the past. But I thought we were through that - he paid off the debt, has an excellent credit rating, and isn't buying lots of things like he did before.

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to keep this one short 😔

So what's the back story? Gambling? Bipolar? Cocaine?

He's got to be getting a dopamine hit from somewhere if he isn't just getting stuff delivered to an Amazon collection point instead of them coming to the house.

I'd very much doubt he's transferring over 30% of his £22k to his ex each month (but it's a good excuse to hide the extra 20%, I guess).

I think you've misunderstood. They have £1900 to spend, and they can't even manage that. With op paying the bills and the mortgage. Not sure what pensioners have to spend has to do with it?

Why not just have a joint account for all the outgoings, even if you both put in different amounts, then there is full transparency over the spending. Sell the idea as it will help you both budget and also deal with rising costs better as so much has changed recently. You both put all the money needed out your salaries at the start of the month, then what’s left is your own.

we do this and it’s clear if I have done some unnecessary Amazon purchases or my partner has been going to the wine shop too much haha! We have nothing to argue over if we each have our own personal account splurges though.

We have always put in the same amounts but as my work changes we may mix it up so my partner can be home for the kids more so if his self employed income goes down it’s all in proportion.

You’re joint owners of a house and only you pay the mortgage? Even if you’re not married it may be viewed that he is entitled to half if you split.

I’m only warning you as I’m in a similar position (husband pays nothing) but if we divorce I was shocked as how much he is entitled to of the fruits of my hard work, blood sweat and tears.

the shopping addiction and poor money management are two strong signs of possible ADHD

Can you just ask him? Yes he is likely to be defensive but better to get it out in the open. For example when he next asks for cash ‘I seem to be bailing you out every month, do we need to look at how we split bills and where money is going- why don’t you log into your banking so we can work out what’s fair.’
It could be he’s got used to you bailing him out so isn’t being careful with money or budgeting, and has let little luxuries creep in. Or it could be a bigger issue like gambling. Either way you need to know. And are you the only one paying the mortgage? It seems a bit mad, especially if he’s expecting to live off your pension when you retire too. Fair play to you for not marrying him, sensible woman!

Personally I don’t think £900 is a lot to be left with for the month and I’m not surprised he’s running out. If food shop is 100+ as you say that’s only leaving him with around £100 a week for ‘days out’ as you say plus other expenses. A day out for a family even a small one could easily be £100. Then add in phone bills, the odd coffees here and there, hair cuts, clothes, personal care items and god forbid anything for himself.

Youve been together 12 years and it seems he has a lot on his plate. Talk to him.

Bits and bobs all add up. Partner and I earn triple figures as a household, about 45% me and 55% him. One child, two cars, four bed house that mortgage is almost paid off on. Life happens, money disappears. £20 here and £50 there add up to £100 here and there. If he’s only got £900 and is doing the food shop out of that, he’s doing well. Our food shops alone are about £600 a month.

As a person with bipolar I’d like to know what you think that has to do with financial issues? And don’t say impulsivity as it’s not something everyone experiences. Please don’t make the stigma of mental health worse by tarring all people with bipolar as being potentially financially irresponsible.

I doubt that's a good idea, hes already not making it to the end of the month, surely that will happen sooner if hes got access to her money aswel?

For his one child hes paying £600 a month. Youre spending £600 on food for 3 people, So why do you think he's doing well to not be able to make £900 cover 2 peoples food? He has £1000 to cover child maintenance and his car.

Symptoms of mania can include increases in spending or excessive generosity. That isn't contributing to stigma, it's a fact for some people. Please don't assume I have no experience of this.

My stepdad was bipolar - he went through a phase of buying a new car every 8 weeks at one point.

Honestly I think you probably need to realise that £900 doesn’t go very far. I earn a similar amount to your partner, my husband earns more and we have a joint account so we share everything. If I was expected to have £900 for food, petrol, days out and other general life expenses that crop up I would be miserable and also broke after 2 weeks. It’s not realistic. You’re essentially asking him to not buy himself new clothes or anything else he enjoys, what about a night out with the lads easily £100, does he watch sports or have a hobby? If you expect him to live on that then I think you should expect that he’s skint every month. Is there no way you can share money if you share your life? What happens if you decide to have children and are on maternity leave, would he expect you to live on less than him? I think you should look at the future of your relationship.

I am amazed how many people are saying £900 pcm just for food and the odd day trip for a couple isn't much and to run out with one or two weeks of the month left is understandable.
My OH and I each put £400 into our joint account every month (so £800 in total) and this covers all of our food, all utility bills, other household expenses (council tax, insurance, routine DIY, etc), the odd day trip, eating out, the pub, etc. We aren't massively frugal when it comes to food and we shop in Lidl, Coop and Waitrose. There is absolutely no way we would have spent £900 on food and the odd day trip alone by the third week of the month.

Gosh @ClarityofVision I could do with you looking at my budget.

Exactly. And everyone is forgetting hes actually got £1900. And choosing to to pay £600 maintenance, which would be admirable if it wasn't at ops expense. To be 100% honest, I've got very little sympathy for a man who earns nearly 2k a month, their partner is paying the mortgage and then having to sub them? I'm living off £500 after rent currently. That's difficult. Not £900 for food and take aways.

So you wouldn’t expect a higher earning man to support a low earning woman then?

It’s good he is supporting his son, but if he takes home 1900, paying 600 is quite a large chunk, about 30%.

£900 for the month is not going to go far in the current economy. I struggle to make double that last a month with the food shop, kids activities, bits and pieces that the family need and unexpected bills that seem to happen every month 🙈. I

But you have a different set up - there are no children in their household to take care of with his £900.

He has a child but the money for his kid is separate (£600) so “kids activities” wouldn’t be included in this.

How many are in your family? He’s just shopping for two. I suspect if it was just him living alone and he had £450 he would make sure it stretched and budget accordingly. The issue is he sees Op as the safety net.

Also, just catching up with this thread and I see OP hasn’t been back for a while. @HorseyJeff did you speak to him?

The only thing I’d suggest is just doing food shopping and not doing any day outs for one month and seeing how it goes.

If he still can’t cover food shopping for two and minor toiletries for himself with £900 there’s obviously an issue in that he is the type to just spend whatever he has at the start of the month and keep on spending until it’s finished rather than try and spread it out across the month.

And of course if it gets to end of month and there is some spare money have a day out on him then. Until then just do cheap/free things - walks, coffee to go and sitting in the park etc or staying in!

OP, he is living off you.
He has more money to play with.
You have made very poor decisions but thank god you haven't married him.
He certainly saw you coming.
Rethink this relationship.
You are his retirement plan clearly.

I can't understand why you are bankrolling this man, even to the tune of paying ALL the household bills while he 'saves,' for him and his (not your!) child. I'm sorry to say OP, but he is blatantly using you. If you are paying for all of your lives and can do so comfortably, I'd suggest you ask him to just leave. You will see very rapidly how much your financial life improves. And please get counselling before entering another relationship so this never happens to you again.