Money disappearing

[HorseyJeff]

Money has always been an issue for DH and me.

We're not married, but have been together 12 years. When we first got together we earned similar, and had low salaries. I now greatly out-earn DH, but put a bunch of money in my pension.

In the past few years we've landed on this arrangement: Day to day I cover all the major bills, and he is left to pick up the food shop and small days out. There is backstory I can go into if people think it's relevant.

He also has his own private expenses of child maintenance, savings for himself and his child, and a car loan, which add up to a maximum of £1000 per month. But I believe his take home is around £1900 per month, meaning he has £900 to pay for food shops and days out.

However, more and more his money isn't lasting until the end of the month and I can't figure out what he is spending it on. Part of me thinks : don't worry, we're doing fine financially. But the other part of me is annoyed how his entire salary gets spent in 2-3 weeks.

He has always been shit with money, and when I brought it up in the past he gets annoyed and defensive saying he doesn't earn as much as me and do I want him to give me all his money and I just give him back an allowance (which I don't).

However, now, it doesn't even seem like he is buying anything and yet he already says he will run out of money before the end of the month (He was paid on the first day of August). It is even odder this month as he hasn't had to do any big food shop because we were gifted a voucher that we've been using to pay for food. When he runs out of money, I basically have to top him up by paying for the things he is supposed to pay for.

I don't have access to his accounts. I wonder if he could have a secret debt or secret gambling issue. At the same time, maybe I'm out of touch as £50 here and there just adds up. He has also bought a few small bits for the house.

FWIW we both WFH and spend most of our free time together, so I don't think he has a secret life of drug taking or other woman. I'm also there at the food shops, which cost about £100 for a main shop and then small top ups.

Other than asking him: is there a way to get to the bottom of this, or signs to look out for? Or am I being unreasonable, and I should just ignore it? Is it worth asking him when he'll just get defensive and lie if it is something bad (like gambling) and I won't be any wiser?

He struggled with credit card debt and what I can only describe as a shopping addiction in the past. But I thought we were through that - he paid off the debt, has an excellent credit rating, and isn't buying lots of things like he did before.

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to keep this one short 😔

It's interesting you call him your DH and then make a point of saying you very deliberately chose not to marry him.

CoL could account for the money running out early every month. But I don't think it really matters. You're not happy with this set up.

What is he not paying?

Just asking for it at the beginning of the month?

i.e gas bill = £100 … get him to give you £100 etc

Now it's much easier to pick up parcels from delivery points. So you won't necessarily know if he's ordered stuff online.

I pay for everything and my other half transfers the money to me, in advance. If I run out of money which has never happened I would have to sub myself from my savings. In the summer I save a bit as the fuel bills are less in the winter sometimes I might be out of pocket and have to remember I was up in the Summer.

He needs to put less in savings p, maybe he hasn't accounted for cost of living rises

I had an undergrad degree when we met working the same (close to) minimum-wage job. He didn't. His gross salary has doubled since we met.

I now have a PhD in a highly in-demand field. I got scholarships to pay for my additional education. I earn 8x what I did when we met.

I don't think my path is normal, I think his is a lot more normal.

When he wants something, he tends to buy it. He doesn't think if he can afford it.

Of course he doesn't because the bank of HorseyJeff is always open. He suffers no consequences for being irresponsible with money.

It does sound like something is amiss, and the fact that he gets angry when you try to talk about it is a bad sign.
I would tell him we need to sort out the family finances properly, with both of you openly disclosing how much you have coming in and going out each month, and jointly agreeing budgets. If he still doesn’t want to tell you, that would make me suspicious.

I don't think £900 is a lot for all the food shopping, days out and personal spends. Bearing in mind the average month isn't bang on 4 weeks it's generally 4.5.

We have a joint account, go halves on the bills and transfer x amount in each per month (we earn around the same but if one out earned the other I would do it by %, also if DP has extra or OT he puts most in the joint account)

Then what's left is left to spend as we want, he pays his CM out of his, I pay my cc bill, car insurance etc and we do our own phone bills.

We used to do this. But at the end of the month he would ask for money back to do this or that, and then make an excuse (reason) that he had to pay for something out of the blue.

It got tiresome, which is why I think I put my head in the sand. The "you pay for food and days out" is the latest iteration of trying to make him pay for things consistently.

In an ideal world, I would like him to scale back (e.g. on days out) if he sees he is running out of money. Or by suggesting something free to do. Or suggesting cheaper meals/food. I.e. take responsibility for the budget he owns.

Me and DH have separate money, but we do pay half and half for everything. We each can buy ourselves something small as a gift every couple of months if we either can afford it.
I think you need to just be frank and say, what's going on? He can't be daft enough to think you'll just not notice.
He's overspending and needs to stop doing so. Don't bail him out any more.

So we have a cc that is for joint expenses- food petrol diy and days out it can vary between £800-1200

I do weekly shop at Asda £100-120. Top ups are coop or Tesco. Dh petrol is a couple hundred.

So he has enough money to save for himself but not enough to buy food?

What's the cost of half the bills, food etc & why isn't he paying this before his own personal savings?

After his personal outgoings he has £900 left each month. Wether this is enough for him is not the issue, they are not married.
He could not live on £900. This would not pay his own household expenses, or a half share of joint household expenses.
OP is paying all but the food bills and a little entertainment. She is keeping him. She puts the roof over his head and pays the bills.
It's wearing thin. As she said, she sleep walked into this. He cannot keep up even the little he is asked to do.
He needs to get a second job or seek something higher paying.

It's so easy to spend money without realising where it is going.

Best advice would be to actually track everything properly. A spreadsheet or YNAB(totally changed my spending). There doesn't have to be anything suspicious going on, but I was shocked to see what the 'top up' shops were doing to my finances.

When there is no jeopardy, it is easy to get complacent. I think you need more visibility, together, to see where you stand.

You probably need to ask him to be honest OP

But I do feel like you might be underestimating the cost of everything now but it depends what kind of amount you’re talking about for days out.

i took my 2 boys to a farm the other day spent nearly £60 with entrance, lunch and drinks for 3 people (one of which is only 18 months old). If these are the kid of days out you go on a few times a month then it adds up.

4 x supermarket shops per month at around £100 each time is £400 + extra little shops is probably between £500-600 on food each month, add a couple of days out and you’re at about £750-800. Does he pay for petrol for his car out of that £900 and his mobile phone?

I've found COL increases have affected what money I have left every month. Not just bills etc but shopping for food, toiletries, petrol all add up very quickly. Single now

Could it just be that the money he has just isn't stretching as far as it used to. Even basics have doubled in price.

With my ex what we done was sit down and work out how much our expenses were every month including bills, mortgage, food basically everything we needed jointly and this was all paid for from a joint account. We worked out that if we both paid 50% of our salary into this account we had more than enough to live off and having savings together for holidays etc. The rest of our salary was ours to do as we pleased with.

My partner made triple what I did but it worked for us. He did have to make more compromises than I did, he could afford nicer things but he did like to treat me. I did have some resentment when he would go shopping and I couldn't afford it etc but it was the only way it seemed fair.

Maybe this idea would work for you guys, it might not and if that's the case then money differences could be the make or break of your relationship.

Speak to him and see if doing that would help him out.

Are you certain he's paying £600 maintenance? That seems an awful lot for someone on his salary? And I don't think he can afford to have savings for himself and his son if he can't even afford to buy food when he has no bills or mortgage to pay?! So you transfer him money when he runs out...how much does he have in " savings"?

£600 CM on a take home of £1900 plus savings for DC on top is a massive chunk. It’s admirable that he wants to pay above and beyond CMS, but frankly if he can’t afford it then it’s not your duty to subsidise it. If you’re paying all the bills and end up having to pay for food, you’re effectively paying his maintenance for him.

Another one who things £900 isn’t going to go far when you take out the £130+ for
food a week plus days out. He’s hardly frittering loads of money on luxuries.
You’re either a partnership or not. Seems like not in your case. Imagine a high earning man saying he thinks his long term partner isn’t good enough to marry because she didn’t earn enough and he’d have to put more in than her.

£900 isn't a lot nowadays for food and petrol and sundries.

However, this man is contributing NOTHING towards rent/mortgage, council tax, bills, insurance, house upkeep etc. So what would he do if he was living alone and didn't have the OP paying for him?

He'd get a second job or a different, higher paying one. He'd work hard to be promoted or do an evening class that would train him for a new career/increase his earning potential.

In short, this man doesn't earn enough to pay his & his child's costs and he's doing nothing to change that, because he's happy to coast off his DP's earnings.

He needs to change now or he'll end up unable to house himself if he and OP ever split or her goodwill runs out.

The £900 equates to £30 a day, which for food and other day to day stuff - really doesn’t honestly go far.

I agree with others that it’s easy to see where the money could go without even noticing. It’s been summer hols in UK so has there been more days out with kids than usual?

As an example we had a farm day out a few weeks ago and between admission fees, buying feed for the animals and lunch that was £100+! We also went to a National Trust site for a walk and between parking & a quick snack/drink half way that was £30.

If his child is older and they are off school, they could be asking him for £20 here and there for their trips out with friends etc.

Shopping adds up too especially if doing top ups at Sainsburys etc mid week, we are guilty of this too! Our Aldi shop is probably £110/120 average per week but there’s always at least 1 (usually 2 or 3) top up shops or “just nipping in for xyz” at our corner shop, which even just for a few drinks and snacks or kitchen roll etc could be £20 a time.

You would need to see bank statements to be sure but I can definitely see where this money could just disappear really.

If you said:
1 day out £50/60
1 big shop £100
2 top up shops £40
Petrol £20
Pocket money for child £20/30

It could easily be £250/300 a week

Although it’s admirable he is massively overpaying child support, it’s at your expense OP.

He can’t even afford rent/mortgage. If he didn’t have you, he’d be unable to pay that much or save anything.

I would be feeling used I think.

My bet is he's run up credit card debt and is having to pay that every month. That plus say 400 to 500 per month on food will quickly see him go through his 900.