Money disappearing

[HorseyJeff]

Money has always been an issue for DH and me.

We're not married, but have been together 12 years. When we first got together we earned similar, and had low salaries. I now greatly out-earn DH, but put a bunch of money in my pension.

In the past few years we've landed on this arrangement: Day to day I cover all the major bills, and he is left to pick up the food shop and small days out. There is backstory I can go into if people think it's relevant.

He also has his own private expenses of child maintenance, savings for himself and his child, and a car loan, which add up to a maximum of £1000 per month. But I believe his take home is around £1900 per month, meaning he has £900 to pay for food shops and days out.

However, more and more his money isn't lasting until the end of the month and I can't figure out what he is spending it on. Part of me thinks : don't worry, we're doing fine financially. But the other part of me is annoyed how his entire salary gets spent in 2-3 weeks.

He has always been shit with money, and when I brought it up in the past he gets annoyed and defensive saying he doesn't earn as much as me and do I want him to give me all his money and I just give him back an allowance (which I don't).

However, now, it doesn't even seem like he is buying anything and yet he already says he will run out of money before the end of the month (He was paid on the first day of August). It is even odder this month as he hasn't had to do any big food shop because we were gifted a voucher that we've been using to pay for food. When he runs out of money, I basically have to top him up by paying for the things he is supposed to pay for.

I don't have access to his accounts. I wonder if he could have a secret debt or secret gambling issue. At the same time, maybe I'm out of touch as £50 here and there just adds up. He has also bought a few small bits for the house.

FWIW we both WFH and spend most of our free time together, so I don't think he has a secret life of drug taking or other woman. I'm also there at the food shops, which cost about £100 for a main shop and then small top ups.

Other than asking him: is there a way to get to the bottom of this, or signs to look out for? Or am I being unreasonable, and I should just ignore it? Is it worth asking him when he'll just get defensive and lie if it is something bad (like gambling) and I won't be any wiser?

He struggled with credit card debt and what I can only describe as a shopping addiction in the past. But I thought we were through that - he paid off the debt, has an excellent credit rating, and isn't buying lots of things like he did before.

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to keep this one short 😔

Our outgoings are becoming more than our bills. However, we have an account which we both contribute to in advance that pays bills and expenses, including for our children/phones/work expenses. Everything else is left for ourselves. His CM payments do seem high in contrast to earning.
And £900 a month.
Say 4-5 x £120 food = £500 - £620
£40-50 petrol = £200 - £250
£60 pw ‘top ups = £250 - 310
trips out/ parking/coffees/lunch/cinema tickets etc £25-50 (mine can easily go above this when with the kids) = £100 - £250

that’s a total of £1150-1430

Sorry for not acknowledging. I've been working and the thread suddenly became a lot busier.

Feels like a real mix of perspectives, which is interesting. I think given the breakdowns it's perhaps backing the idea that COL has impacted.

Re the income disparity, as I mentioned, I put a lot of money in my pension. And a lot of my money is in annual bonus. So monthly I take home £3200 (by design by overpaying my pension), I pay the bills and put money in a joint account which is for holidays, and I'm left with £300 monthly for myself but that I end up spending on food etc when he runs short.

My large bonuses (I've only been in the job 3 years) have gone on joint things - including house deposit, which we are equal owners of. We agree the other joint things together. So I'm not rolling in money every month, but I do have sizable pension savings - which he will benefit from (assuming we stay together all that time). All in all, I don't think he is missing out in daily life compared to me.

He is chosing to pay extra maintenance, which I'm supportive of given our lifestyle. He pays into a work pension for himself, a normal contribution amount

Why is his child maintenance so high? £600 a month is a lot more than the child maintenance calculator would give for somebody who takes home a salary of £1900 a month.

I think you need to pool the money.

Have joint account for bills and food shops.

Separate accounts for spending.

I also think you are subbing his child maintenance - does he really pay £600 PCM based on his earnings? Try the child maintenance calculator - I’d be surprised if the mum receives the full amount!

I should add most payments seems to be around £100/£150 a month - so I’m surprised at the amount.

By all means pay extra or extra treats - on your time - but that’s a lot.

He's paying too much maintenance, he can't afford it. Is his name on the house? Financial irresponsibility is a dealbreaker. I really would give up on this relationship. You're paying to have him in your house.

Just to clarify: £600 a month maintenance is a lot for somebody who earns £1900 a month. Whilst it is honourable for a parent to pay more than the minimum if they can afford to do so, your partner can’t afford it and your wages are subsidising it. He clearly couldn’t pay £600 a month if he lived alone so what he can afford needs to be based on his income and financial responsibilities.

I’d be demanding a sit down and total clarity on his monthly spending. How he reacts will be quite telling.

I think you should work out the total monthly budget for everything bills, food, family days out - and then based on your income put a percentage into a joint account which then pays for everything for that month.

No reason to pool everything, except isn't that what you do in a committed partnership?
The one earning much more shouldn't be thinking of it as "subbing" the other, but balancing the incomings/outgoings.

That said I don't understand why the OP doesn't try to sit down and have a conversation about it with her partner? Phrasing it as worry about whether he has enough money to carry on doing the food shop maybe, rather than accusations.

You are not married so he is not entitled to half of your earnings op, on his salary he wouldn't be able to continue paying those outgoings/maintenence or savings.

You are subsidising his life, is he even paying half the mortgage or a proportional percentage?

He doesn't even have the decency to be transparent with his finances and expects you to now cover 2 weeks of food bills which are supposed to be his.

Do you think he feels entitled to your earnings despite benefiting from them already?
Do you think he could feel emasculated and embarrassed so he is trying to find ways of making you pay for more things?
Essentially he is stealing from you and I wouldn't be ok with that.

Maybe he’s stashed the extra!
be very cautious
op

including house deposit, which we are equal owners of.

Oof. Sorry OP, but I feel this puts you firmly into “mug” territory.

He simply cannot be faffing about putting extra in pension and savings and playing Mr Flash-the-Cash with generous £600 maintenance payments when he’s a total cocklodger with you. Time for him to shape up and be an adult or piss off and learn how to shift for himself.

She's not 'housing him' any more than he is 'supplying her with food', they are a couple and a partnership, and presumably have joint goals in life and have got a joint agreement in place..

The most common sense thing would be to sit down together and mention that you've noticed he is running out of money at the end of each month quite consistently and is the arrangement you've currently got still working for you both?

I'm not a fan of pooling money, but something is going wrong somewhere, and something needs adjusting, a small tweak or more transparency about how much things are actually costing may be all it needs to sort it out.

I think it’s COL which is taking its toll.

Your DP should probably think about going for promotion or changing jobs as he isn’t earning much and is relying on you to sub him so he can pay maintenance.

In essence, OP, you’re paying some of the maintenance. In your shoes, I would expect him to step up and pay his way properly.

I'm not disagreeing with you but normally on here the consensus is a man who is only paying the CMS amount is being terribly unfair but on this thread it seems no one can imagine a man paying more than he has to. Just seems odd to me how the rules change.

We do something similar to @BobbyBiscuits @HorseyJeff - work out what will cover mortgage and bills, it’s in a ring fenced joint pot. Another pot has a food/sundries amount monthly from which we take food shop money. Otherwise our money is separate. If we are planning a holiday we pay jointly. If it is easier, perhaps you could work out your share based on how much you earn and the same for him. So you might need £2000 but you put in £1500 and he puts in £500 if you earn 3 times his salary. However, the share should really be worked out on income before he pays other debts and not on what’s left. He will need to cover maintenance and own loans himself. Edited
for typo

FFS - he’s ripping her off.

It’s not difficult. Paying the bare bones while swanning round in a brand new sports car, wearing designer clothes and taking regular exotic holidays would be out of order.

Paying above and beyond CMS while paying NOTHING towards your own mortgage and household bills, and expecting your partner to keep you is also taking the piss.

There can be a middle ground!

Huh? I earn around 1/2 of what DH brings home. Does it mean I should do double the housework to make up for it?

We both work, I already do a lot on my off day as I am on 80%, something we both agreed on when DD came along. I do lots of DD's admin, shopping, social calendar, activities. Even if I go back to F/T I would never earn the amount DH does.

@HorseyJeff Maybe another approach to bills is the better solution. When DH and I weren't married I was very cautious about joined accounts so for 3 years we paid according to our percentage of joined income. I understand that your partner has child maintenance so that has to be taken into account but tbh £900 per month is not a lot if he pays for all food and small bits and still needs money for himself. I find this a very unhealthy approach.

I think he needs to. They are not married & OP is stashing away loads into her pension. None of that will benefit him if they split up. NONE.

I said on an earlier post that he needs to review his savings. Perhaps he needs to be putting more into HIS pension instead.

Well I have £1k spare a month when I do the sums but always run out before the end of the month. Is he putting anything into savings? You say you’re putting away into a pension so perhaps he has a rainy day fund that you don’t know about.!

Look at his statements. Could be gambling drugs or sex workers.

What are his savings for when you fund the house and the holidays? You’re also paying for responsibilities for half of every month. You need to tell him you want to sit down with bank statements for the last 3 or 4 months and work out where all your monies are going. That’s a perfectly normal thing to do. As a couple you need to review your finances together. If he objects or fobs you off you’ve got big problems.

I have really noticed that my food shop is getting more and more expensive. There's only two of us and my aim is £100 a week or less. It never happens. Top up shops are also pricey. It may just be that everything he pays for has gone up and he can't afford it. But it seems odd that he wouldn't just say that.