Money disappearing

[HorseyJeff]

Money has always been an issue for DH and me.

We're not married, but have been together 12 years. When we first got together we earned similar, and had low salaries. I now greatly out-earn DH, but put a bunch of money in my pension.

In the past few years we've landed on this arrangement: Day to day I cover all the major bills, and he is left to pick up the food shop and small days out. There is backstory I can go into if people think it's relevant.

He also has his own private expenses of child maintenance, savings for himself and his child, and a car loan, which add up to a maximum of £1000 per month. But I believe his take home is around £1900 per month, meaning he has £900 to pay for food shops and days out.

However, more and more his money isn't lasting until the end of the month and I can't figure out what he is spending it on. Part of me thinks : don't worry, we're doing fine financially. But the other part of me is annoyed how his entire salary gets spent in 2-3 weeks.

He has always been shit with money, and when I brought it up in the past he gets annoyed and defensive saying he doesn't earn as much as me and do I want him to give me all his money and I just give him back an allowance (which I don't).

However, now, it doesn't even seem like he is buying anything and yet he already says he will run out of money before the end of the month (He was paid on the first day of August). It is even odder this month as he hasn't had to do any big food shop because we were gifted a voucher that we've been using to pay for food. When he runs out of money, I basically have to top him up by paying for the things he is supposed to pay for.

I don't have access to his accounts. I wonder if he could have a secret debt or secret gambling issue. At the same time, maybe I'm out of touch as £50 here and there just adds up. He has also bought a few small bits for the house.

FWIW we both WFH and spend most of our free time together, so I don't think he has a secret life of drug taking or other woman. I'm also there at the food shops, which cost about £100 for a main shop and then small top ups.

Other than asking him: is there a way to get to the bottom of this, or signs to look out for? Or am I being unreasonable, and I should just ignore it? Is it worth asking him when he'll just get defensive and lie if it is something bad (like gambling) and I won't be any wiser?

He struggled with credit card debt and what I can only describe as a shopping addiction in the past. But I thought we were through that - he paid off the debt, has an excellent credit rating, and isn't buying lots of things like he did before.

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to keep this one short 😔

I can't understand this OP. Basically your partner is responsible for paying his child maintenance, paying his car loan, and buying food. You are responsible for putting together a deposit for a house, paying the mortgage, the electricity, the council tax and everything else. And you have less disposable income each month than he does.

If he now can't even afford the shopping for 2 people, then how would he live if you didn't live with him? How would he pay rent or buy himself or his child food and keep the electricity on?

Yeah, 900 a month isn't a lot if you have to pay for groceries and bits and bobs - but it would be even less if he were paying rent/mortgage/utilities like every other adult.

Something doesn't add up here. And his reaction to your questioning him - well maybe he is insecure because he earns less than you. Or maybe he doesn't want the entire question of your finances and budgeting to be looked at because he knows he is effectively being subsidised by you (as is his child maintenance and savings for his child).

I'd just say to him that it is essential that you sit down and do a budget for your living expenses. even if you are still going to pay the lion's share at least sit down together and look at it and see where your money is going. If he won't do that - then he is hiding something.

Agree with others, if it's not working you need to have a sit down and plan how the spending is going to work going forward.

Does he see his son? I can't work out how if he only earns £1900 he pays £600 cm? That sounds really high for his income even if he does no overnights.

Also if he's saving £200pm how long has he been doing that for and does he still have those savings or is he dipping into them each month? By the sounds of it he can't afford to save if you are having to top his money up for 2 weeks out of the month.

It is difficult to work out if it the COL is a factor. Is the £900 just going on the two of you?

If you suddenly changed the goal posts and said you have got to start paying X bill because you have not got enough money he would ask you about spending. So I don't see why you can't question. Not every cup of coffee level but general.

Do you normally do the shopping together? Do you have an idea of cost? You mention rough costs. Is that because you are there/see receipts or basing on past? Are the days out a together thing or days out for him.

I assume he will spend bits and bobs on himself. No problem with this but needs to live within means. It would not be fair if he has treats etc but you don't because 'spare' money gone to him. From what you have said it sounds like £900 being spent in two to three weeks. You also mention the gift voucher so less on food shop.

It sounds like he has you to bail him out so probably doesn't budget. I think I would be incline to say that I am not going be topping up if there isn't enough for the month without explaining why. Starting next month. That way past is the past. He has fair warning.

While it is not just about money it does sound like he has a sweet deal. Reading between the lines he will be get equality without contributing. You are paying major bills and funding holiday. COL will have increased for you too. So perhaps it is time to revaluate everything.

Because he is on a low income and if op wasn’t living with him he would get benefits

So things like rent council tax etc would be free or heavily discounted.

That is how he could afford to live

Yeah I agree with this. I’d say arguably she is bankrolling his child support too because if he lived by himself or with someone who demanded 50/50 he’d struggle to support his child most likely. I couldn’t be with a man like this at all. I would feel like he was using me.

As a single man who I assume doesn’t have primary custody of his kid would he be entitled to Universal credit etc?

On a wider point it’s ridiculous how low wages are in this country in comparison to cost of living . Someone working full time shouldn’t need to be on benefits too.

Having just read more of your thread
horrified to learn you have a joint account with this guy he has a history of debt etc
i got caught out with the same
get that account closed now
seriously if you feel something is off then your probably right
who’s house is it?
beware

Tbf if OP has only £300 spare left she would also struggle to cover her food and days out if she chooses to leave alone and have spending at the current level.

Do you have shared children? It does sound as if you’re bankrolling him ( and on a salary that’s not huge if take home is £3200 per month). You’re basically paying all joint bills except food and facilitating the £600 per month he pays in maintenance. Which is an amount he’d never be able to pay on a salary of £1900 per month if he was single and paying all his own costs . It sounds like you both need to go through the finances together and he needs to lose the attitude about it.

@Biggaybear my comment was based on the assumption that OP would still be with her P and financially supporting him in retirement. She shows no sign of challenging him or leaving him, and he's ramping up his Cocklodger-ing.

I didn't read that she had any children - I must have missed that. But if the children are joint and they split up she could end up paying him child support.

Extra money towards his child is admirable. But he doesn’t have that money.
It’s yours.

He’s paying £700 a month inc savings which is the equivalent of earning nearly £100k. When he earns about a quarter of that.

Sure he can continue to send £700 to his daughter but he needs to work within your agreed budgets.

Ask him to sit down with you and work through your monthly spends as you want to try and save some extra money and can’t as you’re subbing him constantly. Or word it nicer to get him to play ball.

My weekly Tesco food shop for 2 adults and a toddler is around £200 per week, I think you are greatly underestimating how much more things cost as of late

Exactly this ^

He’s paying his ex £600 in child maintenance!? But only bringing in 1900? Have I read that right??

Your title “money disappearing” suggests that you don’t think he it being honest.
i suggest you sit down and show each other all your bank accounts. Agree a budget and let him pay for his child’s upkeep out of his own money.
I hope he’s not using you.

Sheesh, have you never heard of spread sheets. If your unmarried but somehow is now a DH can't do simple household budgeting you're both in serious trouble. Both of you need firm financial prudence, goals and aims.

If you have £300 spare and he has £900 then you pool it and half it -

Share the cost of the shipping. You are doing this anyway.

Or you split the bills

You pay 60% he pays 40% and share the shopping.

You paid the deposit on the house but you are equal owners?

i would possibly consider changing this to redistribute the shares according to each of your contributions. He’s very lucky to be able to save £400pm on his salary. Also where is the incentive to change anything when you keep topping up?

I think you both need to save all receipts for food and days out for a few months, then look at whether he actually is spending all his money on what he says he does.

As a side note, I’d easily spend £900pm on food for a family of 5 so I wouldn’t be that surprised if all
his money did go unless you’re very frugal.

Say it as if you're looking to make a big purchase so that you can look at both statements and budget so that you can save x amount and in 18 months time go on a big holiday and not even notice how much you spent.

Or just give him an allowance type thing and work how much you guys need for food or whatever and leave him with £50 a week max for random things like a Costa, magazine or new t shirt or whatever. That's plenty. Even if he spends it all, so be it but you wouldn't think too much about it if it was a little amount.

I easily fritter £900 a month. We can afford it but it’s still a bit shocking how much stuff costs and how easy it is to just leak money if you’re not budgeting properly.

It's two adults. Not a family of Duggar proportions.

Ask him. And ask him to explain every penny.

I was in a similar situation 18 yrs ago and 16 yrs ago had to go back to work full time as we never had any money.

Turns out he'd spent 10s of 1000s of pounds on music equipment that we'd had to put on hold as we had our first D and had just moved into our new home.

We separated - not because of the money but because of the lies and the slyness of it all. He had a studio full of the equipment at another address. I've never recovered financially because of the mess he put me in

But he's not the one paying, in reality.

HorseyJeff is subsidizing his overpayment (if that's what this is).

I would personally like to see his bank statement(s) because I would be very suspicious of that £600 figure, and I'd like to see if there's a credit card used for gambling that he keeps up his sleeve.

Why not suggest having a joint account you both pay a set amount into and that is used for bills and food. That's what DH and I do. We both get paid into our own bank accounts. Then we both transfer money into our joint account to pay all food, council tax, house insurance, water, gas, electricity, water rates and fuel for the car we both use and joint gifts we wish to gift for family birthday or Xmas. Out of our personal account points we buy personal gifts for each other, haircuts, lunches out, holidays etc. You could pay more into joint to reflect you earn more.