Money disappearing

[HorseyJeff]

Money has always been an issue for DH and me.

We're not married, but have been together 12 years. When we first got together we earned similar, and had low salaries. I now greatly out-earn DH, but put a bunch of money in my pension.

In the past few years we've landed on this arrangement: Day to day I cover all the major bills, and he is left to pick up the food shop and small days out. There is backstory I can go into if people think it's relevant.

He also has his own private expenses of child maintenance, savings for himself and his child, and a car loan, which add up to a maximum of £1000 per month. But I believe his take home is around £1900 per month, meaning he has £900 to pay for food shops and days out.

However, more and more his money isn't lasting until the end of the month and I can't figure out what he is spending it on. Part of me thinks : don't worry, we're doing fine financially. But the other part of me is annoyed how his entire salary gets spent in 2-3 weeks.

He has always been shit with money, and when I brought it up in the past he gets annoyed and defensive saying he doesn't earn as much as me and do I want him to give me all his money and I just give him back an allowance (which I don't).

However, now, it doesn't even seem like he is buying anything and yet he already says he will run out of money before the end of the month (He was paid on the first day of August). It is even odder this month as he hasn't had to do any big food shop because we were gifted a voucher that we've been using to pay for food. When he runs out of money, I basically have to top him up by paying for the things he is supposed to pay for.

I don't have access to his accounts. I wonder if he could have a secret debt or secret gambling issue. At the same time, maybe I'm out of touch as £50 here and there just adds up. He has also bought a few small bits for the house.

FWIW we both WFH and spend most of our free time together, so I don't think he has a secret life of drug taking or other woman. I'm also there at the food shops, which cost about £100 for a main shop and then small top ups.

Other than asking him: is there a way to get to the bottom of this, or signs to look out for? Or am I being unreasonable, and I should just ignore it? Is it worth asking him when he'll just get defensive and lie if it is something bad (like gambling) and I won't be any wiser?

He struggled with credit card debt and what I can only describe as a shopping addiction in the past. But I thought we were through that - he paid off the debt, has an excellent credit rating, and isn't buying lots of things like he did before.

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to keep this one short 😔

I would tell him that I'd like to sit down and go through the finances as things seem to have gone up so much. You need his help to work out if you (both) could cut corners somewhere. Try not to make it confrontational.

Not RTFT so don’t know if this has come up yet but could it be mobile phone games? The dopamine rush of buying the packs in games is akin to shopping for items, it’s invisible and just looks like he’s playing on his phone. And those suckers get expensive, fast. FWIW, I fall into that trap a lot and have to delete a game to stop when it happens.

Honestly, OP, I thought you have been earning much more money than £3200 net after your description.

I think your problem stems from the feeling in your head that you earn a lot of money - and you do now relative to your previous income. And you expect to have a much better lifestyle or more disposable income with self-claimed your 8x income increase.

However, in the absolute numbers £3200 and £1900 are not that much, especially with child maintenance, so it is sort of expected that things are tight.

You feel resentment that your partner earns only £1900 and have a child. Having a partner earning the same £3200 and childless will solve your resentment problem, but you might feel that it is outside your range for whatever reason. So here is your resentment. Not much to do with the actual spendings.

You'll have to forgive me here as I may have misunderstood. So you say he has £900 a month to pay for food and treats out. So if we take an average of £130 a week (average £100 plus £30 top ups) = £664pm (£130 x 52/12), which leaves him £236 a month to spend on himself (toiletries etc, travel) and outings?

What about gifts, mobiles, hobbies - he is not exactly rolling in it. Don't get me wrong, he has a good deal but he isn't exactly squandering his money and stuff has gone up an awful lot lately.

Me and my husband have vastly different salaries. He earns 60% of our income so we tot up our total outgoings per month (Bills, travel, food, maintenance etc plus a contingency for savings, holidays and presents), divide by 100, he puts 60% into the joint account and I put 40% in. What is left is ours. Sometimes, he treats me and sometimes I treat him.

I know this way you are paying towards his child maintenance but in effect you already are.

Would it be beneficial to get a joint account where you both put money and pay all joint expenses from there? The % of how much money each puts you'd need to agree together but then at least it would be clear how much you each spend on joint expenses. Then anything else is for both of you to use as you like.

Don’t underestimate the cost of living. I honestly don’t know where my money goes these days. It just does 🤷🏻‍♀️

There is a fast way to resolve this. Sit down with him and work out a budget for all the joint expenses including cars, petrol, travel, food & holidays but not the child support - you aren't married so that is his responsibility to sort. Pro rata it between you according to salary. So if he makes £25k and you make £100k, he would pay 1/5th. The rest of his money and yours belongs to each of you to do with as you please. If he runs out of money during the month, tough. He will learn to rebudget or he will realise his meal ticket has ended and end the relationship. Either way you are not being dragged down by dead weight. Chances are if he is going through money like no tomorrow he is spending it gambling or gaming. You giving him more money won't help him stop - all it does is give him an excellent credit score and more freedom to lose cash and go deeper into debt. Good luck

Open a joint account. All expenses come from this account. The money to be used for joint purchases comes from this account.

He needs to pay a fixed amount into this account, as do you, on pay day. I assume you will be paying a much higher amount.

If, come pay day, he does not pay his share in, neither do you.

As he is bad with money, always make him pay into the account first before you do each month if there is doubt that he will pay. Even if you are paid on the same day, transfers are virtually instant, even a 5 minute gap is enough to see he's paid the money.

Then you will see where the money is going.

FWIW we both WFH and spend most of our free time together, so I don't think he has a secret life of drug taking or other woman. I'm also there at the food shops, which cost about £100 for a main shop and then small top ups

I think that you need to realise that there aren’t only 4 weeks in a month. Sometimes there are 5

I also don’t think that you are doing just 1 top up shop per week

So instead of 4 x £100 shops per month It could be 5

then add in a £30 and a couple £10 shops per week and then instead of £130 per week x 4 = £520 per month at the very least

So depending if the month has 4 or 5 main shopping days with top up shops and one top up at the end of the month even by your own figures that is £650 per month

Add in £20 extra per week in extra top up shops and you could be looking at £700 and then meals out and days out (especially at this time of the year) as well as personal items and I can see why he could be struggling

Honestly shopping trips days out kid treats etc are so expensive as will be his personal expenses petrol, presents for family his kids you etc.
£900 when paying shopping, days out etc is easily gone through at the min 😞

I was hesitant before to suggest you had a right to know what he was spending his money on in much detail. But given your update that you are buying a joint asset together and his inability to cover the costs you’ve jointly agreed on eats into your spending money, I think you do deserve significant transparency into his spending since he isn’t covering his contribution.

I would be looking to detail not just what bills there are and who should cover what compared to your incomes, but also exactly how much each of you is spending on yourself to see if it’s fair.

You don't trust him and you don't need him for money - in fact, you'd be better off without him. Is this really who you want to spend the rest of your life with?

@HorseyJeff

So you pay the mortgage on a home you own jointly?

You end up £300 a month spare, he has £900 spare (although pays for the food shop and the odd trip / treat here and there?) yet you sub him every month. What the actual fuck?

Yes the higher earner should pay more of course but you should both have equal spare cash so he should be be paying the £600 a month on shopping / treats (or other household bills?)

That comment wouldn't apply in your case, obviously. You have a child, there's no doubt you're doing your fair share. The op and her partner have no children together, he's not supporting himself at all really, so unless he is making contributions in other ways, the op is getting totally screwed over. Equality in a relationship does not mean that every aspect of cohabitating is 50/50, that's usually not possible, but you can find a fair, appropriate balance.

Id be insisting on total clarity, and looking at bank statements to see where the money is going. If he isnt open to doing this - why not? Ask him. What is there that youre not allowed to see him spending money on? I wouldnt be able to be in a relationship with someone who wasnt open about the big things like this

I'm quite horrified that you bought this man a house. He must feel like he's won the lottery being with you.

They earnt the same when they met.

Tbh £900 a month, if includes food shops and days out isn’t much. Especially if that has to cover clothes and other little treats for himself.

It’s not spare if £500 is going on the food shop!

Sounds familiar and speaking from experience, a secret gambling addiction. Unless you look directly through his online bank and see what payments he is making, you will never know. If he is gambling, he will lie and lie and persuade you it's all fine. Look on his phone.

I misread so my prior post doesn't make much sense.

The OP's partner needs to account for his £600 (which is now £900+) a month spends.

What I was trying to say is given the OP is paying £2900 out of £3200 towards thier bills and expenses he should be contributing £600 out of £900 in order for them to have the same spare cash.

Although re-reading I see he's actually saying he spends all his money each month so is out of pocket. The OP needs to know what he's spending £900+ on if she is subsidising him.

You do realise that unless something changes all that money you're saving into your pension will be going on him?

And you've paid for the deposit and major costs on your home yet you own equal shares?

It just gets worse and worse with every post.

He is not treating you like a partner, you're his meal ticket.

If he's such a low earner why is the child maintenance so high?

It’s easy to be generous with someone else’s money.

Why would her pension go to him ? They are not married. We dont know what type of pension she has but seeing as she's throwing lots of money into it I'm assuming it's not a DB scheme (where there is more discretion for dependents pension) so unless OP completes a nomination form, on death the money would go to her child.