Money disappearing

[HorseyJeff]

Money has always been an issue for DH and me.

We're not married, but have been together 12 years. When we first got together we earned similar, and had low salaries. I now greatly out-earn DH, but put a bunch of money in my pension.

In the past few years we've landed on this arrangement: Day to day I cover all the major bills, and he is left to pick up the food shop and small days out. There is backstory I can go into if people think it's relevant.

He also has his own private expenses of child maintenance, savings for himself and his child, and a car loan, which add up to a maximum of £1000 per month. But I believe his take home is around £1900 per month, meaning he has £900 to pay for food shops and days out.

However, more and more his money isn't lasting until the end of the month and I can't figure out what he is spending it on. Part of me thinks : don't worry, we're doing fine financially. But the other part of me is annoyed how his entire salary gets spent in 2-3 weeks.

He has always been shit with money, and when I brought it up in the past he gets annoyed and defensive saying he doesn't earn as much as me and do I want him to give me all his money and I just give him back an allowance (which I don't).

However, now, it doesn't even seem like he is buying anything and yet he already says he will run out of money before the end of the month (He was paid on the first day of August). It is even odder this month as he hasn't had to do any big food shop because we were gifted a voucher that we've been using to pay for food. When he runs out of money, I basically have to top him up by paying for the things he is supposed to pay for.

I don't have access to his accounts. I wonder if he could have a secret debt or secret gambling issue. At the same time, maybe I'm out of touch as £50 here and there just adds up. He has also bought a few small bits for the house.

FWIW we both WFH and spend most of our free time together, so I don't think he has a secret life of drug taking or other woman. I'm also there at the food shops, which cost about £100 for a main shop and then small top ups.

Other than asking him: is there a way to get to the bottom of this, or signs to look out for? Or am I being unreasonable, and I should just ignore it? Is it worth asking him when he'll just get defensive and lie if it is something bad (like gambling) and I won't be any wiser?

He struggled with credit card debt and what I can only describe as a shopping addiction in the past. But I thought we were through that - he paid off the debt, has an excellent credit rating, and isn't buying lots of things like he did before.

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to keep this one short 😔

Well you need to ask him and see his bank statements. This is your right if you are having to pay his part of the bills. If he refuses, I would refuse to top him up.

If you are a “couple” that live together as if you are married, then you should both work out your finances together and be open and transparent.

He may get defensive, but why is that? Surely he has mouthing to hide? 🤔

When he runs out of money, I basically have to top him up by paying for the things he is supposed to pay for.

You don't have to do any such thing, and I would be stopping this immediately. He is taking the absolute piss and you are essentially completely supporting this man without a justifiable reason.

Thank fuck you're not married, and it goes without saying that you should never entangle yourself financially with him. Personally, I would be seriously reevaluating the relationship because there is a clear lack of respect and sense of responsibility from him.

Thank you for the replies!

I agree @Aquamarine1029, and I've chosen not to marry him for this reason. It feels like I've slept-walked into this place a bit.

I'm a bit of a push over and like an easy life where everyone is just happy and getting on with things, but it sounds like I'll have to take a stand and be firm with this issue.

Are you certain the food shop is £100 pw. Food has risen at lot in the last 12-24 months, every month we seem to spend more for the same shop. Items that were almost always on offer for £1 are now £1.95 for example. Offers that wer 3 for £1 are now 50p each etc. Small tops often easily run to £30 etc.

Days out / meals out are also now super expensive. Very few decent offers. We used to have 50% pretty much every where Sun -Thur, not it might be BOGOF mains etc Tue & Wed.

This is what I'm worried about. The big food shop from Aldi/Lidl is definitely around £100, sometimes it is £120, and sometimes it is only £80. We also do top-up shops from Waitrose or Sainsbury, which feel extortionate in comparison (£30 for a few bits). We bought 3 cans of fizzy soft drinks from a National Trust site on the weekend, and that came to £11 (we have a membership, so didn't need to pay for entry).

So part of me worries I'm underestimating everything. Or worrying about a missing £200. This is why I tended to ignore it in the past, coupled with the fact that we're a happy unit and we're not struggling financially. Plus just my general hate of conflict!

However, there are occasions like this month when I really wonder what's going on. Plus I don't like the thought of him secretly taking the piss.

He's not secretly taking the piss, he's blatantly taking the piss. You are 100% bankrolling his life aside from the support he gives for his child.

You are not married. He is not your husband. DP would be more apt.
You need to ask him to go through the expenses.
He has his own child. Is he giving them money?

If you are having to give him money every month you have the right to question his budgeting/spending. If he gets defensive and won't give any information you have every right not to bail him out.

Thankfully you are not married. Sounds like debts/gambling. I'm so cross on your behalf that you are subsidising a grown man.

I would separate until he can be honest and transparent about money. Stop subbing him. Your future self will be furious you have let it go on so long!

Plus just my general hate of conflict!

It's this trait, pervasive among so many women, that keeps them trapped as mugs, in relationships with users who are more than happy to sit back and let a woman take care of them. How much does he contribute to housework? Honestly, he should be doing most of it.

You need to find your voice and get over your fear on confrontation. You're being taken advantage of and that should really piss you off.

Tbh he could just be rubbish with money, once I’ve paid what I need to each month and put money into savings I’m left with similar amount to your DP and I usually run out! Luckily I pay everything I need to, run out and get paid again so it’s not an issue (although as of last month I have been working on budgeting and trying to retain some money each month. I don’t even spend on days out really either, the odd trip here and there. Would he be open to talk about what he’s bought each month?

£900 to buy food for a family, including top ups and days out alongside personal spends is not a lot.

Does the £1000 include his phone bill, gym, petrol, haircuts, toiletries etc?

I don't think £900 is that much either for food, days out and personal spends. It is easy to fritter away money as you said £11 for 3 drinks is crazy.

Thanks for the replies. I'm working through.

Yes, he pays for his child. Of the £1000 it's something like £200 for his car, £200 savings split between him and his son, then £600 maintenance. @Flossflower

Then out of the £900 for himself
he only has a £10 phone bill, no gym or haircuts (he does his own), no commuting so petrol is minor - but he does pay for this, minor toiletries for himself (deodorant, basic face cream, shower gel). @circular1985

A few things

I earn more and am better with money. My husband finds a set amount on a standing order going out each month is better for hiM as he knows what’s left he can spend.

Food shops and top ups plus days out can actually really add up.
£100 per week plus extra top ups plus small days out could easily be adding up to £700 per month if you aren’t keeping to a budget.

Take an average over a few months for the food shop, ask him to transfer the money to you, all of it, on pay day and you cover it.
I hate the idea of having to baby someone into being responsible, but I don't see how you can stop subbing him otherwise? You can hardly say 'Well, there is nothing to eat, then'.
That way apart from days out, which you can stop subbing, if he runs out of money, that's his problem. He has his wages, you are not giving him an allowance, you are merely making sure household expenses are covered.

This is what I'm considering.

@WeekendFreedom I know you expressed the same sentiment.

Thank you for this perspective

Just re-read so he’s possibly spending £200/300 on himself depending on days out but that includes petrol.

You could frame it as let’s be a bit more careful so take snacks when out, watch what you spend on food shop etc and put that money aside?

I think if you added up his outgoings over three months or so, you would see that £900 does not go very far. You’ve said that your food bills are around £400 a month on the main shop with additional topping up of £30 ish a time - exactly how many toppings up? I can see how the remaining £250 or so won’t go very far.

£900 pm = £207 pw

Food = £130 pm

left with £77 for days out, snacks, toiletries, petrol.

Deodrant is now easily £3.00, shower gel £2.00 (both used to be on offer at £1 regularly), even £20 pw petrol, £11 drinks. It’s going down very quickly.

What exactly are you having to sub for him?
Is it the food shop? Things he wants but says he doesn't have the money for?

How often does his child visit? Do you have any other children in the house because £100 -£120 for a food shop and top ups pw is reasonable imo for 2 adults and part time young child staying.

What I would tell anyone that's seemingly running out of money before they should be is to collect every recipt they have for a month or two and look at where it's all going.

He should be taking money out of HIS savings if he can't afford something or look at a second job/training to increase his income.

It's not your job to sub him, a grown adult.

Well, a lot depends on the foodshop.

How much is bought at the cheap supermarkets and how much is from the more expensive 'top up' places.
Ready meals or basic ingredients that you cook at home? (Sounds like the former.)
Booze?
Are you getting the bargains and the sell-by stuff or not?
Are you eating meat/fish/poultry every day or going for some vegetarian stuff?

And are the days out parks/museums/walks and picnics with the occasional ice crxeam? Or are they pubs, restaurants, theme parks?

Whatever you're doing there needs to be more transparency if you're living together and the earlier arrangement is no longer working well.

Why is it he's such a low earner after all these years? You have been able to progress, why hasn't he?

Open a joint account that pays for everything you budget together.

I think this is part of the issue I've had in the past. When he wants something, he tends to buy it. He doesn't think if he can afford it.

So by "subbing him" I mean I end up paying for a food shop and day out at the end of the month. Topping up the petrol.

But, recently it feels like that's happening sooner - so I do it for 2 weeks not one.

But, he also doesn't seem to be buying lots of things. In the past when this was a real issue - his "shopping addiction" as I call it - there would be packages of clothes arriving in the post. This isn't happening.