Money disappearing

[HorseyJeff]

Money has always been an issue for DH and me.

We're not married, but have been together 12 years. When we first got together we earned similar, and had low salaries. I now greatly out-earn DH, but put a bunch of money in my pension.

In the past few years we've landed on this arrangement: Day to day I cover all the major bills, and he is left to pick up the food shop and small days out. There is backstory I can go into if people think it's relevant.

He also has his own private expenses of child maintenance, savings for himself and his child, and a car loan, which add up to a maximum of £1000 per month. But I believe his take home is around £1900 per month, meaning he has £900 to pay for food shops and days out.

However, more and more his money isn't lasting until the end of the month and I can't figure out what he is spending it on. Part of me thinks : don't worry, we're doing fine financially. But the other part of me is annoyed how his entire salary gets spent in 2-3 weeks.

He has always been shit with money, and when I brought it up in the past he gets annoyed and defensive saying he doesn't earn as much as me and do I want him to give me all his money and I just give him back an allowance (which I don't).

However, now, it doesn't even seem like he is buying anything and yet he already says he will run out of money before the end of the month (He was paid on the first day of August). It is even odder this month as he hasn't had to do any big food shop because we were gifted a voucher that we've been using to pay for food. When he runs out of money, I basically have to top him up by paying for the things he is supposed to pay for.

I don't have access to his accounts. I wonder if he could have a secret debt or secret gambling issue. At the same time, maybe I'm out of touch as £50 here and there just adds up. He has also bought a few small bits for the house.

FWIW we both WFH and spend most of our free time together, so I don't think he has a secret life of drug taking or other woman. I'm also there at the food shops, which cost about £100 for a main shop and then small top ups.

Other than asking him: is there a way to get to the bottom of this, or signs to look out for? Or am I being unreasonable, and I should just ignore it? Is it worth asking him when he'll just get defensive and lie if it is something bad (like gambling) and I won't be any wiser?

He struggled with credit card debt and what I can only describe as a shopping addiction in the past. But I thought we were through that - he paid off the debt, has an excellent credit rating, and isn't buying lots of things like he did before.

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to keep this one short 😔

If he can't afford stuff then he can't have it. That's a normal adult thing. Why are you subsidising his lifestyle ?

If he's shit with money he needs to be paying a set amount to you/ a joint account every month to cover his percentage of the bills / food and treats etc and then it's up to him to manage the rest. If he blows it all it's only himself who suffers. He just doesn't get to have nice things. Giving him responsibility for the food shopping and days out- outgoings that are not a fixed amount is a really bad idea.

Instead of subbing him when he is short tell him to take it out of his savings. That's what they are there for...no ? Or tell him to save less. You cant save £400 pm if you are short every month 🤷‍♂️.

Why don't you have a joint account for bills. At the very least you both need to sit down with a spreadsheet and work out your total joint expenditure and take into account his maintenance.

It doesn't sound like he can afford to save if you're having to subside him. Personally, I'd be a lot cheesed off if that was happening (and at my expense).

£600 per month is waaaay over the CMS amount for a monthly take-home of £1900. Way over.

He cannot keep paying this, and saving, whilst not contributing to the household pot.

His obligation to his kid does take priority, but I'm struggling to understand why he's paying so much and leaving EVERYTHING except your food for you to pay for?

Why not flip this round and get him to pay some of the "fixed cost" bills (whatever split seems fair) and then you start paying for the more variable food and entertainment type costs. At least then you would know exactly how much he was paying on bills each month, as opposed to wondering if food etc cost more than you expected.

If he still runs out of money at the end of the month at least you're in a position to challenge where it's gone

I agree with this - my food and groceries budget is £800 a month and I have to be really careful to dry under that amount.

He is taking advantage of your generosity and you know it.

I hope he isn’t on the mortgage

Out of pure respect for you he should at least be keeping £400 by for food each month

You need a joint bank account and each put the same amount in to pay for everything (unless the house is in your sole name).

It’s not £900 per month. He’s chucking £800 per month into savings and overpaying maintenance, which is a choice he’s making. What is his actual maintenance payment? £300 at most? If you adjust for that he should have £1400 and be able to cover the bare minimum OP is asking for without wanting her to cover that too.

If he can’t even pay for the very little that you’re asking for, OP, then he can’t afford to be saving and overpaying maintenance. He’s not even putting a roof over his own head ffs.

Well yes, but OP is effectively paying it as he is leeching off her.

Tell him this month he needs to budget as your not going to give him money.
If it means you stay in you will stay in together...
No is an answer. But warn him now. Before he overspends.

It sounds as though equal contributions wouldn't cover everything.

Surely he would agree that how you are both managing household income is not working if he is running out mid month . I would couch it in terms of you wanting to look at what outgoings there are and looking at how you can make things work better. You've been together 12 years ,either you are both doing your best and you recognise this through a fairer split of the money and shared understanding of what will work or really I can't see that you are a partnership and he needs you to be in control of the overall income as you shouldn't be bailing him out without a shared understanding of what's happening. I think you approach it as something you both need to be better about.

You need to have a chat with him.
Just tell him
’Look, I’ve been worried recently that I underestimated to cost of shopping and days out. With the CoL and inflation, I feel that maybe our current arrangement isn’t quite fair to you. Could we sit down and look at how much were actually spending and maybe put a new ‘budget’ together?’
Then take the last 3~6 months of bank statements and go through it. I’d add yours too tbh (eg what if it comes out that you spend £300 per month on stuff for yourself and he only has £30?)

Hopefully what it will show up is that prices have increased and maybe you need to review your organisation.
Or actually something else is going on.

But then you’ll get clarity which will help both of you really.

Yes as somebody else has said, you shouldn't be subbing him if he has savings. If he can't afford to buy food for the month, when that's his only bill, he can't afford to put money into his personal savings account!

You are massively underestimating food and day out costs. Food is so through the roof it frightens me!

Not even £250 a week wouldn't cover all in our house of 2 adults and 1 kid

I think you need to stop topping up his expenditure so that he has to own up to where his money is going. It's possible that he's paying more in maintenance now, owing to the increased cost of living. But yeah, from past experience I know that once my credit cards were maxed out, I was broke by the middle of the month, I literally had £10 to last me a fortnight.

Have you asked why he pays so much CM? Was he in arrears and he’s paying it back? .

Also, if he can save, he ain’t skint. I think he is of the opinion you’re Miss Money Bags bags with the 8x bigger wage, and should not complain.

COL is through the roof OP.Just a year or so ago ,money seemed to stretch a lot further! We spend £100 a week or so, and several "top up shops"Being ruthless is the only way .Its amazing how just a coffee here and there ,lunch out and so on can really tip the balance.Comb through your statements and maybe build a little contingency fund in .Days out at NT even with MS can add up.Cafe quite expensive ,shop.ice cream could mean possibly an extra £50 or so .We tend to take our lunch in a cold backpack now and have either a drink OR ice cream! Also avoid the shop!

I think though that you are a bit naive re him taking the lead deciding you’re going to do a cheap day out this weekend etc… I get you’d like him to take some responsibility but I’m getting the feeling this is an area that is particularly hard for him.

It sounds like a better way to handle it would be a joint account. You both put money AT THE START of the month, in proportion to your earnings (you might even tip the balance slightly towards him so he has more disposable income for himself IF and thats a big IF it feels ok for you to do so).
Then stick to that. If there is little money at the end if the month, then you’ll both know it and can both be responsible for it.

I think it’s an issue really worth sorting out.
Because, as you say, you ATE comfortable as a family. But it sounds like he is still struggling to make ends meet agd that must be stressful for him. And extremely frustrating if you, on the other side, have no worry and can clearly afford a lot iyswim.

Tbh I think you need to go through statements together, so you understand his spending.
Tbh, I can understand how he could spend £900 a month on what you have listed.

OP the only way you can find this out is to ask to sit down with him and ask to go though his statements with him.
however I would say that I earn roughly the same as your DP and my husband is the far higher earner than me. We used to have the same arrangement whereby he covered all the big bills and I covered food, treats, kids clothes, chipped in on holiday’s days out etc and presents etc at birthday and Xmas. I also have my own expenses like car loan, insurances, phones for me and kids petrol and a few small debts.
its impossible now for me to survive on what i earn- mainly due to the food shop which is easily 1k a month alone. A few years ago it was at least £300 less and I buy much less now too. My DH has been sending me money every month for the past year-which I find humiliating and have now gone back to work full time!

Spot on

I find it really interesting that everyone is jumping on him not earning / contributing enough. Yet if it was a man who was the main earner and woman not progressing, no one would comment at all.