Money disappearing

[HorseyJeff]

Money has always been an issue for DH and me.

We're not married, but have been together 12 years. When we first got together we earned similar, and had low salaries. I now greatly out-earn DH, but put a bunch of money in my pension.

In the past few years we've landed on this arrangement: Day to day I cover all the major bills, and he is left to pick up the food shop and small days out. There is backstory I can go into if people think it's relevant.

He also has his own private expenses of child maintenance, savings for himself and his child, and a car loan, which add up to a maximum of £1000 per month. But I believe his take home is around £1900 per month, meaning he has £900 to pay for food shops and days out.

However, more and more his money isn't lasting until the end of the month and I can't figure out what he is spending it on. Part of me thinks : don't worry, we're doing fine financially. But the other part of me is annoyed how his entire salary gets spent in 2-3 weeks.

He has always been shit with money, and when I brought it up in the past he gets annoyed and defensive saying he doesn't earn as much as me and do I want him to give me all his money and I just give him back an allowance (which I don't).

However, now, it doesn't even seem like he is buying anything and yet he already says he will run out of money before the end of the month (He was paid on the first day of August). It is even odder this month as he hasn't had to do any big food shop because we were gifted a voucher that we've been using to pay for food. When he runs out of money, I basically have to top him up by paying for the things he is supposed to pay for.

I don't have access to his accounts. I wonder if he could have a secret debt or secret gambling issue. At the same time, maybe I'm out of touch as £50 here and there just adds up. He has also bought a few small bits for the house.

FWIW we both WFH and spend most of our free time together, so I don't think he has a secret life of drug taking or other woman. I'm also there at the food shops, which cost about £100 for a main shop and then small top ups.

Other than asking him: is there a way to get to the bottom of this, or signs to look out for? Or am I being unreasonable, and I should just ignore it? Is it worth asking him when he'll just get defensive and lie if it is something bad (like gambling) and I won't be any wiser?

He struggled with credit card debt and what I can only describe as a shopping addiction in the past. But I thought we were through that - he paid off the debt, has an excellent credit rating, and isn't buying lots of things like he did before.

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to keep this one short 😔

Yep I agree!

Why on earth would she want a joint bank account with a man who doesn't pay his way and is really bad with money? She'd be insane to do that.

He needs to grow up and figure out a way of paying his way without expecting the OP to sub him all the time.

I agree with those saying he needs to completely review his outgoings, because he clearly cannot afford £600pm maintenance if he’s not contributing to his living costs and then asking for top-ups every month to cover the one bill he is supposed to pay.

His reaction could tell you if there are any bigger concerns (gambling, drugs etc).

The CMS calculator will show the amount he is legally obliged to pay and it’s great if he can pay more but on his salary it sounds like he’s possibly paying about three times more. And currently, you’re subsiding this.

The main problem here is there no transparency in who is spending what. I can understand not wanting joint finances but this is the down side to that.

But usually in those cases they have a child together and the woman is expected to continue to pay 50% when she's had maternity leave and gone part time.

This is completely different.

EDIT as I miscalculated

Because actually that’s what most OP are told when it comes to finances, esp when the OP is the lower earner.
Joint account for all joint bills, and people paying in proportion to their wage. So the OP here pays 4xas much as he does, seeing that her wage is 4x his.

If he is putting £900 each month, then she should be putting £3600.
Which might or might not be pointing towards the fact he is actually paying more than he should….. Will depend a lot of the size of the mortgage

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that your partner is earning significantly less and that the majority of outgoings will be met by you. If you continue to 'police' his spending, you will become increasingly resentful. £900 pcm to cover food/household shop and days out
doesn't seem excessive. Do you think you may be subconsciously overthinking/analysing what he spends?
I don't think money is disappearing; it's more likely to being spent on everyday expenses.
Wishing you well

I personally think he’s got a bit of a shitty deal being given the food shop and days out. I easily spend £200 a week on 2 adults and two toddlers for the basic food shop. And that is budgeted and meal planned with boring meals like jacket potatoes.

Weekend activities; A coffee out with the family and two slices of cake £20. Parking £5. Soft play/swimming £12. Icecream for the kids £8. Couple of pints at the local pub £12. It all starts to add up.

The weekly food shop IS the major bill that he’s paying and (for me at least is bigger than our mortgage).

I would get a joint account where you both put in a proportionate amount of money to your salaries with an agreed personal amount you can each keep back to spend as you wish and then everything for the house is paid via the joint account.

Disagree, £600 pcm child maintenance sounds fair to me. And if OP was a man, no one would question the financial set up. It would likely to assumed that they would be responsible for majority of home expenses and shopping; no questions asked about the partner's financial responsibilities/outgoings.
I know several relationships where the man has responsibility for mortgage/bills etc and the woman's salary is considered her own to spend on days out/clothes etc

Maybe he is a bit tired of living on the breadline, while you earn 4 x his salary.. I'm actually questioning if the roles were reversed would as many people not be questioning this?

Working things out, you earn 8k a month and he earns 2k a month yet he has to run his money into nothing and come to you cap in hand before you start to pay for more household stuff?

The food shop + top ups + petrol + phone + days out + personal spends + bits for the house.. that could easily equal 900 a month surely? I'm not saying it's right or wrong what is happening here, but I personally couldn't earn what you do and see my partner struggling every month.

She's housing him and paying all the household bills.

They're not married or bringing up a joint child, so there no reason to pool everything.

He's got a much better set up than he's have if he had to fend for himself.

If this is something that has been happening recently then it could be that he’s saving money for himself. At your expense.
Are you subsidising his child maintenance ?

Stop being nice and ask for transparency and stop topping him up.Insist he pays towards the bigger bills.

Ask to see his bank statements. If there is nothing to hide he’ll be ok with it.

Cost of living went up and it hit things like food quite hard, so it’s not really surprising that the same amount of money isn’t lasting as long. But it also sounds like, perhaps, he was never really paying that much towards the household in the first place?

I can see how 900 could be eaten up in 4 weeks on food and days out, but you seem to be saying it’s been eaten up in 3 weeks in the past and is now only lasting 2 weeks? And that’s starting to look a lot less reasonable unless you have really expensive food and leisure habits.

Perhaps it’s time to sit down and go over what you both put towards joint expenses and have a conversation about whether it’s a reasonable split. Then you have the opportunity to decide if it’s down to him prioritising personal stuff an unreasonable amount or if your lifestyle is just too expensive for him to cover that much.

If you earn 8 times more than him then, unless you want to live a lifestyle equivalent to his earning capacity, you’re going to need to subsidise him a fair amount (which you seem to be aware of and doing). It may be it isn’t so unreasonable when you put it all down on paper and look at what you each have left at the end of the month.

I agree with PPs: £600 CM and £200 savings is not affordable on his current income. You are massively subsidising him while he builds up savings.

If this was mutually agreed and he was behaving appropriately towards you it might be ok. However if he is getting defensive or aggressive when challenged then that’s a big red flag for me. I’d be seriously considering the future of this relationship.

I think the most obvious explanation is that he’s ran up debt on credit cards again so of the £900 a chunk is going on repayments so can’t be used for food and days out.

Saying that it’s not actually all that much money once the weekly food shop and top ups are paid for. It’s nice to feel when you’re working full time that you have some money to spend on yourself.

Maybe it's because you're earning in the six figures compared to his approx £27k that you don't realise how much the cost of everyday essentials has risen as you're not having to think about it so much, and £50 doesn't seem anything to you, but if you only have £900 spare knowing it needs to cover shopping for 2, petrol, days out (see thread on the £75 Castle entrance fee) and personal items it Is a lot.

I never forget my years in my laye 20s/early 30s of having to scrimp and micro budget, and look for second jobs. DP went from the bones of his backside when starting out his business to a higher earner and thinks a few £100 is here nor there. I still don't have that mindset even though it wouldn't cripple me now.

You don't seem to be acknowledging the calculation breakdowns that people are doing for you which shows how £900 can be eaten easily befoee the end of the month.

Also 4x the salary is not equivalent to 4x the take home pay once you factor in higher rate tax, national insurance, pension contributions, loss of personal allowance etc. You would have to earn well over six figures to take home £8k a month! A £100k salary gives a take home of around £5300 a month.

The OP is saying she is earning 8x times more than when they met and her DP wage is now 2x.
I assumed she was talking about net income as she is referring to the £900 and £1000.

Maybe the calculations are different and she was talking about gross salary.
But if she is indeed earning that much more than him, and he is putting £900 on the table, that’s what you’d expect her to pay (in proportion)

Agree with those saying £900 a month isn't that much on food and general living expenses. There are three of us and I spend at least £600 on food per month. £75 a week for 'sundries' is a couple of evenings in the pub and a few coffees these days! It wouldn't even cover a full tank of petrol.

Generally speaking when the woman is broke it's because she's working part time to provide most of the childcare, AND paying for most of the food or utilities, while the husband refuses to increase the amount he's contributing. That is not what is happening here.

When people with an addiction give up THAT addiction its very likely they find a new addiction.

The cost of food shopping etc has all gone up so although it sounds a big amount it just goes so quickly. I looked at my bank the other day I’d spent £120 in Tesco nipped home bargains £35 then Aldi another £30 home bargains again £20 that’s like £200 just on food and essentials. Just nipping for little bits adds up real quick. Plus fuel then any treats or days out.

Is the £600 cm a private arrangement? How much would he have to pay if it was via cms? That seems a massive amount for someone on a relatively low wage. Ditto saving £200 a month - currently he can’t afford to do that if he’s running out of money to buy food. He needs to address both those things. Having said that, I don’t think £900 to cover food, days out, petrol and small spends is a massive amount, I can easily see how he would be getting through this. That’s not to say he doesn’t need to look at his spending, but I doubt he’s going crazy, perhaps just not being that careful.

It must be hard if your partner earns significantly more than you and you are having to watch the pennies. You live together presumably you love him and it’s a serious relationship (whether or not you intend to ever get married) I’m not saying he shouldn’t have to work on managing his money better, but I can appreciate it must be hard for him as well. And it’s not always possible to just earn more!

While the cost of food has gone up, the op has said she knows how much the main food shops are coming to. Yes, days out do cost a lot, but their recent one cost £11, which isn't much at all.

The issue isn't that he pays less when he earns less. It is that he saves or gives away over half of it and then gets aggressive when the op wants to know where his money is going. Maybe it is gambling or over spending, maybe it is wounded pride that she is the higher earner, but frankly tough. The person subsidising most of his lifestyle deserves to know why £900 doesn't last a month!

Stop subbing him op, or you will be doing it for life.

I can massively relate to this comment. You get home and think what the hell have I bought! I went to Tesco the other day for school shirts, trousers, socks and pants and thought I'll pick up a few bits while I'm here and those few bits came to over £50!! No meat, fruit or veg or animal food, it was literally bits like bread, milk, beans etc and I use home bargains for cleaning stuff (the pink stuff is my favourite) Prices are absolutely scandalous atm!