H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

[spiegelis]

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

Where is he, perhaps there are some mumsnetters out there who could have a sneaky look at what he's doing.

Have you tried contacting his family from a different number. Explain the situation and see if you get a response. Maybe wait until he is on a flight home!

Sorry that's not how I meant it to sound, it's not her fault at all. I was meaning the situation hasn't changed, she has been doing all the caring and I'm sorry it has taken until now for her to realise she's been treated so poorly. My point being, this has gone on for a long time and would absolutely have affected her self esteem to only now be questioning it.

He's probably done a hatchet job on you to his parents which could explain why they've blocked you. He may have told them you're divorced so they'll believe whatever he tells them.

Whatever the reason you deserve better and that's away from him for a start.

I'm in Scotland. All the stuff relating to teachers' pension here is now online. I'm assuming that it'll be the same for the rest of the UK.

In your shoes I'd focus on the Financials rather than what he might be up to in terms of cheating etc.

You say you have access to his financial documents apart from his pension, but also that you 'have no idea where his money is going'. Which is it - has he been stashing money away somewhere, potentially in his home country...

Concentrate on the divorce. Get a family solicitor who is experienced in dealing with parties with 'foreign interests'. Make sure his teacher's pension is properly valued.

You may also need a forensic accountant.

And I also have a disabled child (now adult who still needs care as if they were a child) and it has meant I've always been in a 'hard spot', but there is nothing worse than being treated badly. On top of the mental load you have caring, you have the mental load of being treated like nothing.

Havent read everything
He is nuts!!
You said he was a teacher. Remember his pension..get as many details as you can..Also be easier to claim child support as he is government paid.
How he can teach children and carry on like this to his own beats me. When he arrives back does he act like this is normal carry on. Do you get disability and carers allowance for your child ? Make sure you claim everything.

I have a friend whose husband took a second wife in his home country. HIs parents and siblings kept in touch with her after she found, pretending to be concerned for her. In actual fact they were trying to get her to agree to let him come back to the UK.

I'm wondering whether your husband needs his marriage to you to allow him Indefinite Leave to Remain, OP?

The Psychology of a Double Life was broadcast on BBC R4 this afternoon.

I heard it by accident and was very interested. I’d recommend listening to it.

When broadcaster Jaz Singh revealed on BBC reality TV show The Traitors that his father had a secret second family, he received hundreds of messages from people who had lived through similar experiences. As Jaz movingly explores his own feelings, he meets others who have also discovered that their loved ones are leading double lives. A wife who, after years of being happily married, discovered on social media that her husband was married to another woman. A daughter whose father had an entirely separate family and children - but whose existence was only revealed after he died. Jaz tries to understand the psychology of these second lives, asking what drives people to weave such complicated webs of deception. How do they manage to deceive so entirely? And how can those who have been betrayed forgive and heal?

@WearyAuldWumman she said he has British citizenship.

OP if you texted his mother not long ago, can't you text her again? Or is it since then that she has blocked you?

From my experiences, u don’t have a be a secret. Just that his family will know what’s going on and keep the secret from you. Being married to you MUST be of benefit to your husband in some way and in turn to his family. They’re aware of what he’s up to hence them blocking you. Get rid and move on is my advice.

You do need to look into the pension, OP. My recollection is that the default is that a spouse inherits if anything happens to the pension holder. I think there's a lump sum if they die less than three years after retirement. Thereafter, you get about half the pension.

However, there's a form you can fill up to leave your pension money to someone else. You can even do percentages - say 50% to your parents; 50% to a sibling.

You need to find out where you are. You need to get a solicitor onto it. I think this is the website for England and Wales. If it's Scotland, you need the SPPA site.

https://www.teacherspensions.co.uk/public/contact-us.aspx

Oops. Missed that. Sorry.

His behaviour is definitely odd. It may be that he has another woman/child in his home country which is where his money is going? It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage/partnership and he is distancing himself from you and your children. I would commence divorce proceedings as soon as you've got all your financials together. As you are unable to contact him, will you have to wait til September to tell him/serve divorce papers? Get some legal advice before he gets back.

Not much to say other than you sound like you know what you need to do - find as much financial information as possible, get as much legal advice as you can (either from a lawyer, or if you can't afford that, going to what ever other bodies you can find) about how to turn his absence into an advantage and then get out of the marriage. I'm so sorry this has happened but don't waste time trying to find a reasonable and decent explanation for this - there isn't one. Good luck!

A previous thread on this subject - it is not uncommon it appears.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3449438-to-ask-if-having-a-secret-second-family-is-that-common

He must have had an affair, she got pregnant etc which is when the behaviour suddenly changed. He is sending all his money to her and OP is left high and dry. I am sure his mother will be in on it and supporting him, especially as she has little interest in her grandchildren.

No, he lives there and comes to the UK to work. He has another family.

@spiegelis if you texted your MIL not that long ago is it only the SIL that has you blocked then? Either way I’d focus on divorcing this frog and moving on with your life, he sounds as lovely as a bag of shit.

www.findpensioncontacts.service.gov.uk/find-frontend/public-sector

Do his parents etc actually know you and yoyr DCs exist?

I agree - he probably has another family. Before you say this is far fetched - years ago before they met, my mother's late partner had a wife and children - and a mistress and child he kept in a nearby house. Long story. But it smells like how his children remembered things. Run.

That or he may just be abusive and loving his carefree downtime and giving money to parents/generally blowing it.

I think that maybe he met someone back home. She got pregnant and the MIL is backing it because she is able to see the grandchild more easily. Maybe they are all trying to convince him to go back and he is slowly making plans to move there??

Make a list and start a diary of all the times he has blocked you, the dates and time he has stayed away, and copies of the help you have asked him for e.g. emails.

Surely this is abandonment, financial abuse and more.

You need to demonstrate that he is a poor parent and the DC should stay with you, and you want child support through his wages.

It is what it is, but now you need to offload him. He’s a complete twat of a man.

You can opt out of the pension scheme. The teachers one is a good one so it is silly if you do but that would give him extra cash.