H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

[spiegelis]

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

I remember a while ago there was a poster on here who was knowingly having an affair with a married man and they had a child together. Sadly, I think it is more common than we realise and OP, I think you know it's probably the most likely outcome.

OP, I know you don't want to out yourself by naming the country, but you do need a solicitor who is well versed in divorce and its implications in marriages between citizens of the UK and another country.

Teachers Pension - be prepared he might have opted out of this so may be putting the money overseas instead and therefore I agree a full probe into his finances are needed. However, not knowing what country he's from makes it hard for any of us to advise how straightforward this might be, so going with specialist solicitors is key.

Of course you are. He's told them that you're crazy and psycho and you have divorced. They have all blocked you due to the extreme abuse he suffered, and possibly the trauma of not being allowed to see his children. He has subsequently found a new family in his home country but sadly, can't move back because he needs to earn in pounds in the UK. But he prioritises seeing them every summer and christmas holiday.

Create a fake social media account and do some digging on facebook etc. But really, just end this relationship because I can assure you - if DH ever blocked me, not least if he blocked me for weeks on end, our relationship would be 100% over at that point because it's a clear sign that it's already dead.

its not adding up! So for years you have accepted him disappearing and cutting contact over the holidays. While you can’t get in contact right now, how has he responded when you have challenged him? Have you let him go NC but then let him come back into the family home without a word said? I honestly can’t understand how you could end up in that situation. I’m not trying to be harsh but how could anyone accept that when it happens. I could understand if it was the first time and you were here asking for advice (someone up thread said call the police and report as missing). Too many questions….Are you really sure you are still in a relationship with him? How does he fund you and your children when he is home? Do you ever go out together etc? Does he just walk back into your bed after weeks of not speaking to you. I doubt it. Doesn’t make any sense. Surely there is someone you can contact if you had to get in touch. What about an emergency with the kids. Grandparents don’t cut contact for no reason either. something tells me there’s more to this… sorry op! It’s just not adding up.

He's a pig and is leading a double life which is extended family is complicit in.

My best guess would be a second family and your children probably have half brothers and sisters they know nothing of. I am sure his other 'wife' knows nothing of you either and is full of admiration for her wonderful husband who works hard in the UK to financially support them all.

Fuck that! Start divorce proceedings. Irrespective of what double life he is leading, he has no respect for you and is abusive by blocking your number and keeping you short of money.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. He sounds truly awful.

I’m so sorry. This is awful. You couldn’t even reach him in an emergency.

Honey, whatever is going on, please don’t wait to find out. Leave him on your terms. Nobody who loves their family blocks them and makes themselves totally uncontactable.

You deserve so much more than this OP. You have a happier future, post divorce
Wishing you and your children peace and happiness

I wonder whether he and the OP are in fact already separated and she resents the fact that he goes abroad and blocks her in the summer holidays and Christmas when actually he could be spending time with his children.

But OP doesn’t want to say that they’re separated as although people will still think he’s an arse for not being a decent father, they will likely have a different response to the OP’s reaction.

I agree that it makes no sense that the OP would have been putting up with this for years.

Are you actually already separated OP?

You are right - he is a nasty, nasty man. Get out now. I am sorry about your situation.

So can we assume Australia, New Zealand, Canada or Australia OP?

Doubt it’s a new family as surely he’d go over more than every 6 months, especially as he has more time off as a teacher, and you’d have noticed phone calls, messaging, video calls, on phone at odd hours due to time difference?

Is he building a house to retire in himself or so he can go back home? That may answer where finances are going? Does he want to go back to his home country to live?

He’s an utter bastard to spend Christmas and the summer with his family and not take his DC and leave you without money! Or that his family don’t want to see his DC. That is so weird. He obviously doesn’t give a shit about them or you or see you as his family. Can’t fathom it really.

Hurry up and get shot of him. See a solicitor asap.

WTF does he think his DC are thinking about him not spending Christmas with them and buggering off on his own for the whole summer while they’re off school? Let alone not giving a shit if you have money to feed them! That is disgusting,

Has he told his parents you’re divorced? And they now have a relationship with their new DIL?

Tnis doesn’t sound like a second family scenario to me. This sounds like he is planking to move back to his home country. Alone.

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue can't you just text the mum again about the situation if you text her recently?

This especially if he comes from a more tradional country. The 2nd wife eould put up and shut up especially if his money is going to 2nd family

I just can’t wrap my head around it! When I was working school term time only, there were some summers when I went back to my home country w/o my DH. But I took the kids (so they could see their grandparents—how odd he’s not doing this)! And I kept in regular contact w/ DH and didn’t block him. And my family didn’t block him either. And I’ve never left at Christmastime without DH—how strange that he isn’t spending Christmas with his DC.

OP is this real?

You haven't described any emotions or feelings that someone in that position would have?
Are your children upset? Do you feel hurt? Anything at all? I can't imagine someone in that position describing her husband abandoning the family at Xmas so matter of factly. You only seem concerned about the money.
Are you actually already separated and you're trying to work out the finances of the divorce?

You quoted the wrong person. But op said the whole family has her blocked. I don't know them so won't be texting 😅

Hi are you able to search within the UK? I'm in a similar situation but he is in the UK

Why not say the country OP? It won't be outing, but may help with advice, Shengen counties etc. Otherwise we'll all go down rabbit holes such as cultural differences from made up places!

Yes, that’s easy to do.

you might not have been the secret, but you very well might be now.

Why did his family block you? did I miss it somewhere? Because if they just blocked you the likelihood is he told them you’re separated and that you’re abusive to him. And he’s said for the children’s sake they should ignore you etc.

and the reason he only texts the kids with an odd call is because he can text while he’s around his new girlfriend but can’t call until he’s away from her.

This would be my bet. And that he has a child too.

if it’s the states, I’ve found that it’s easy to see who lives at an address. So if you type his name and state/town you might be able to get his address and see who else is living there. He probably isn’t at the address you think he’s at.

why not just file for divorce while he’s on his summer sabbatical?

a man who behaves like this doesn’t deserve access to his children so tell him to fuck himself…when he unblocks you, of course.

you need to get angry.

+1

He has a wife and children at home. You and the children are the second family, the UK based family so he has somewhere to live whilst working here.

Also I am very sorry you are having to live like this. If my partner ever blocked me whilst away (he used to work away each week not go away without me) we would be over as all trust would be gone. Plus if there’s an emergency I need to know I can get hold of him.

your life will be so much better without him I can guarantee that much. Plus he will have to pay a decent amount for the children and have them sometimes so you will get some time to yourself in the holidays and at weekends.

Possibly he used you to get a British passport / indefinite leave to remain
and the set up he has in the uk is to good to give up and it finances his family abroad

You deserve better.

Get your ducks in a row, claim UC and child maintenance. I would also contact women’s aid as well, as he is emotionally and financially abusing you and your shared children.

It is now time to put them and yourself first.