H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

[spiegelis]

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

Did you see the plane tickets to where he is going? He could be in another part of the UK for all you know but there is no way he does not now have a second family. You are not a secret however he will have told his family you have cheated or something and thats why they have no contact unless they are embarassed by him. How strange the other woman has not worked it all out to though if she only sees him summer and xmas.

I assume you have done everything you can to search him online etc?

I hope you are looking after yourself. You are not to blame, sleepwalking or stupid. Life is hard, more so in your case with a disabled DC.
Your H behaviour is unacceptable as he has children and a wife. He might be playing around, doesn’t even have to be married to her.
get your ducks in a row and divorce him. If there’s any chance of saving this marriage he needs to be totally honest. But you deserve better.

OP said it was a western country but plane tickets are expensive so you would assume outside of the EU? North America or Oz, NZ?

That is why I said see a solicitor first

Get things as ordered as possible and change the locks for when he arrives back! How dare he treat you in such a way, blocking you is incredibly childish but could also be disastrous - what happens if DC has some sort of medical/sudden emergency and you need to urgently contact him?! Please please kick him to the curb. Like you I would be so intrigued to know what is going on but it has to be some sort of secret/second life, and if it isn't you are perfectly within your rights to assume so given he is being less than forthcoming! Perhaps his family doesn't know what he is up to/where he is going? Are you sure he flies to where they live even?! You deserve so much better. I'm so sorry you are being put in this totally unacceptable situation!

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue 🤣 sorry

Agreed

OP said he had a British passport before they got together.

Also, to whoever said that OP is the second family, no she’s not. They’ve been together for 16 years, and it’s only in the last four years or so that he’s been going abroad.

I know that people seem to like to think that he’s clearly living a double life, but the evidence really doesn’t point to that.

He’s only away for eight weeks of the year.

OP says there’s no money, but she also said that the mortgage is more or less paid off, which would explain why there’s no money if he’s potentially been paying it off on a teacher’s salary.

Also, OP says she works part time but has managed to save some money. If she’s managed to do that then it follows that he’s likely been paying the bills if they’re actually still together.

But my guess from what other people have also suggested and from the OP’s posts is that they’re actually separated, and that she’s pissed off that he cuts contact for eight weeks of the year while he goes to see his family.

His family have blocked OP because she’s the ex.

Good lord.

So he goes home to a different country (continent) every summer and Christmas and blocks you and his DC?

So he doesn't spend Christmas with his children?

He doesn't provide for you financially during this time? (Does he the rest of the time?)

His parents and family have all blocked you? why ??? What reason did he give?

At this point any reason / rational explanation is null and void. How dare he treat his wife and children this way?

How damaging and disgusting for you all.

Now this thread has affirmed his behaviour is not normal and is emotionally abusive, what are you going to do about it? I'd be changing the locks.

Try to contact the Foreign Office and ask for their advice. Then talk to a solicitor.

He's got a second family and you're being eased out of the picture. Act now while you've got time advantage.

What if an emergency happened how would you contact him? This is very odd and horrible behaviour

You say "western" - I assume Europe? 2-4 hours on the plane? Do you know his parents' address? I would leave DC with friends/ family and go there to try and see with my own eyes what is going on.

If you were texting her not long ago, when did she block you? How did you discover that? Did she give a reason?

Talk about jumping to wild conclusions! Did you not see where the OP said she’s planning HER exit?

Who would cut contact, including with their, assuming minor children, when they are abroad for 6 weeks in the summer and over Christmas anyway? Even if separated from their mother. Why wouldn’t you take them with you if you’re staying with family? He’s obviously not paying child maintenance either if he’s not leaving any money.

What reason would his family have to not want to see his DC or keep in contact with them even if they were separated? Especially knowing one is disabled. They sound as bad as him.

OP’s mortgage could have been partly paid off with an inheritance from her side or they bought in a cheaper part of the country when houses were cheaper 16 years ago. She works part time due to caring for a disabled DC assuming to facilitate her H working full time so of course he’d pay the bulk of the bills.

The fact he leaves her to work and take care of a disabled DC while he swans off for weeks makes it even worse!

She explained a few times she had no money and no one to look after the kids, soooooo....

I don't necessarily think having 8 weeks a year separate from your spouse is odd - I know a lot of dual national couples that have to manage family obligations in different countries. However there are several huge red flags.

• always going away for Christmas without the kids and spouse
• blocking your spouse's phone so they can't contact you the whole time you are away
• all of his family blocking you
• the unexplained financials

OP - have you asked him why he blocks your phone? Have you asked him or his family members why they ALL block you?

The family members is weird - maybe he has told them that you two are no longer together - so that's why he doesn't want you also calling him every day.

I'd get all your ducks in a row and leave this guy. Personally I'd also consider saving up ahead of the next trip and making a surprise visit to see what the hell was going on.

Have you done a search on google (enter his name and country). Just a long shot that it gives you some clues.

it’s no more of a wild conclusion than he has a second family, something which people are saying here as if it’s a fact, and yet there is very little evidence to point to another family given he apparently only sees them for eight weeks of the year.

OP has been vague about the DC tbh. In one post she said the family don’t want to see them, and in another she said that one of them has contact with the family.

If one of the DC is disabled then it’s entirely possible that he’s told his family they can’t travel, and if he’s told his family that he and OP are separated then the parents aren’t going to travel here to see them.

Similarly OP said in one of her earlier posts that the first time he went four years ago he blocked her, and then all his family blocked her at the same time, and then she said that she’d recently texted the MIL about something.

I’m not saying that the man isn’t an arsehole. Clearly he is.

But it’s impossible to judge the family because we don’t know what they’ve been told.

This all started a few year ago? What are you actually getting out of this sketchy behaviour? Imo, He has a new family. Return UK to earn money

use his absence to plan your exit & uk divorce
don’t let him take your kids out of the uk. He may kidnap them from you

Call the school he works at pretending to be his other wife saying you have heard rumours he has a British wife.

That'll freak him.

I suspect he has a second family in his home country. It's entirely possible his parents and extended family have no knowledge of you or your children together. Without a shadow of a doubt, his second family in his home country, have no knowledge of you either! You need to divorce him.

Could you not actually read it before commenting, it would save writing something so wrong.

This screams second family to me. He doesn't spend Christmas with your children? He is financially abusive and fucks off every summer and blocks you. All of these are reasons to divorce.

What is the plausible explanation for his family blocking you? I really can't see one other than he has told his family that you have split up.

To the people so intent on believing he has a second relationship think about it logically.

He only started going away four years ago. He blocked the OP the first time he went away, before that he hadn’t, so clearly the wife and family didn’t exist the first time he blocked the OP.

Since then he’s only been away every summer and Christmas for the subsequent three years.

So that means he had to have met another woman, married her, and had a new family with her and all the while he’s only seen her and the “other family” every summer and Christmas for the past three years.

It’s just not plausible.

He’s absolutely checked out of the relationship, but it’s best that OP just go with that and seek the legal advice re the finances than go down a rabbit hole which almost certainly doesn’t exist.

“he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse.”

What shady excuse? Did you discuss this with him after he’d done it the first time? What’s your marriage generally like when he’s there? Have there been any big rows or has anything else happened around the time he and his family started behaving like this? Are his family happily in contact with you when he’s with you (you said you texted his mum recently)?

Hard to fathom what might be going on without knowing more. But there’s a risk all your emotional and mental energy will be used trying to figure out what’s going on, let alone working and looking after DCs, one of whom has a disability.

Whatever the reason, his behaviour (as a co-parent at very least) is already completely unacceptable. I’d say better to focus your energy on securing and planning for a future without him as your husband. If a legal adviser says finding stuff out may help your case, then it might be worth it. But I doubt it’d make much difference.

I really feel for you. So hard without close family. Do you have friends to support you? Or wider family members? Could you join a group for local lone parents, so you have support nearby? Depending on what your workplace is like, could you confide in your manager, so they can be more supportive while you go through this. The DCs schools may be able to help. Some schools can offer counselling and refer you to other services. Do ask for help. Anyone knowing this would want to support you. It’s only for a while. You sound extremely hard-working and capable. You’ll bounce back.