H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

[spiegelis]

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

He isn’t spending Christmas with his family?!? 🤯🤯🤯🤬

He really doesn’t care about you or the dcs does he?

Is he Turkish? Muslim?

Probably financially supporting parents, other relatives, possibly a second family.

How old are your poor kids? I'd use one of the kids phones and message him to say he needs to start paying money into your account now and regularly or don't bother coming home! Outrageous!

They will take a dimmer view of him.

@Frasers yes. I know plenty of people who take their children on holiday separately while the other is still home working. Particularly if family living abroad. I would have been asking him all of those questions! She cannot change the locks if he is on the mortgage. Or divorce him in 6 weeks it takes months. Or sell the house without his involvement.

She can change the locks if she doesn’t know where he is and can’t contact him.

The OP can easily say something like she lost a key or wanted a stronger lock since she felt unsafe there on her own, or that she thought he had moved out. He'd have a hard time arguing that changing a lock was "illegal" in these circumstances when he'd buggered off for months.

She's said he's from a western culture and not religious.

Exactly, she can say the key broke. She lost it. Whatever.

I know you’re (almost) broke, but is there a change you could hire a private detective in that country? Then you can get your answers.

OP I believe you can put in a UC claim whilst in the process of separating (assuming that is your plan). Might be worth checking what you are entitled to along with other benefits and get things moving

This has second family written all over it surely?

Most definitely sounds like he has another family. What reason was given for his family blocking you? Have you had a falling out or has he told them you're separated and you're the 'crazy' ex?

In a practical sense him leaving you to do all the child care over the summer holidays is outrageous and I'd leave him for that alone.

But him CHOOSING to spend Christmas away from his DC is outright disgusting. What type of parent doesn't want to spend special holidays with their own children?!

Even if it's not a secret family, he has zero respect for you and couldn't care less about his own children and neither does his (your DC) family.

Divorce and get CM. I feel angry on your behalf at how he has been treating you, and I'm sorry you don't value yourself enough to have realised how bad it was sooner. You and your DC deserve a 1000 times better than this.

Wife and kids there

Have you done some digging online? His name, family names, friends names, email address, phone number, even reverse image search any photos he has, look at social media, look at posts, comments, photos. More often than not, if someone is upto no good, all you need is one crumb to lead you to the whole loaf!

So sorry OP, this whole situation is awful. But, it’s time to take control and get out of this mess. Brilliant re the mortgage being low. Please please make a list and work through it. Get legal advice first, contact the mortgage company to see what’s left, understand the rules around legal separation and whether you need to let him back into the house (lots of times people don’t on here - though sure you’re supposed to), think through the routes out and be prepared for him to resist and refuse. The next year will be tough - consider telling trusted friends and relatives - that’s a huge hurdle and makes it feel real, but a good one to properly start the ball rolling. I’m so sorry for you, what a dick he is.

Well, then definitely he may have another family. And this is where his money is going.

I really don’t think it’s a second family, more likely that he’s just checked out of the marriage, has told his family that he and the OP have split and is heading home every summer to deposit money there so that when he eventually does leave he has a significant amount in another country where the OP won’t be able to touch it.

It just makes no sense that someone would get together with a man, marry and have children with him, and happily wave him off for the majority of the year.

There are cultures where it happens but OP has already said that he’s not from any of those cultures.

The fact there’s no money would explain that. He’s not currently earning there, but he has a house which has nearly been paid off, so obviously some of the money has gone towards that, and the rest will have been put away in a foreign bank account.

OP is stuck in a hard spot with a disabled child. It doesn't mean she "doesn't value herself." Not sure that's helpful.

You are an awesome person op, wishing you the best.

they know me. They were at the wedding and have visited us and we have been there in the past. I texted his mum not too long ago about something. I am not the secret.

He has detached himself unfortunately. File for divorce as soon as possible. So sorry.

Yeah sorry I read a later update as I was going through them and edited my post.
When did his family block you- was it the same time he started beign a bit weird?
Do they know you are actually married though, not that he told them you shacked up and the childten belong to someone else lets say, so they may not know you are still together and the kids are his?
I am just thinking that I know of such bizarre scenarios irl that happened to my friends over the years...

I think you are the secret that they are supporting though. Let's be honest, you spend Christmas with your primary family, and he is choosing to abandon you for the other one...

The blocking is weird AF. And hard to advise on as you're keeping the country so close to your chest and it could be key. Either way, his own parents clearly have no respect for you either if they are also blocking you - more than likely they are as twatty as their son is. Very strange situation all round, and you definitely need to get out!

Gather as much information on his and you finances as you can. Go through files, any electronic devices, bills, land registry entries for your property. Honestly, I'd put a tracker on him to find out where exactly it is he is going. If there is another woman she might well be in the dark about it and deserves to know. Google him in that country and look for other social media accounts.

It might well that he has been lying to his parents about you - do you have any contact details for them? A chat might well help. Perhaps he's told them you don't want to come over.