Not finding anyone attractive OLD

[trakehner]

15 year relationship ended 7 months ago. I've never done OLD before but thought I would sign up and have a browse. I'm not ready to actually date, I'm still feeling very fragile despite the fact that split with ex was the right decision, we had grown apart, but there was no major animosity. However since I heard he has already met someone new, I've been feeling very low and sad.

I'm 50 so looking at men around the same age. I have viewed hundreds and hundreds of profiles and I l find literally none of them physically attractive! None of them!

Got me thinking, I don't really find any men attractive in real life either, many actually revolt me. Main reason ex and I split was that I had developed the ick for him physically which destroyed our sex life, something he decided he just couldn't contemplate a future without (fair enough).

But what on earth is wrong with me?!! Is this yet another lovely period-menopause symptom! Will I ever fancy a man again??!!!

Christ. Why do beautiful men become potatoes overnight? Genuine question? When is the tipping point before they become non descript, fat and lumbering fools? It's so depressing.

I always found I responded more to what men wrote about themselves than what they looked liked, within reason. I don’t think dating sites that rely mainly on photos are that helpful.

@LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife potatoes and earthworms has just given me the first belly laugh in forever. Thank you so much. I'll probably be sat at my desk trying to hold back the tears again in a few minutes, but it was so lovely to properly laugh (and feel it) even if just for a fleeting moment

Another one here. Early 50s, going through divorce. We've been separated for over a year now and I've been mostly fine, enjoying a newfound sense of freedom, trying new things, meeting new people etc. Then I get an email from XDH saying he's started seeing someone else and wants to tell our teenage kids, so thought he should let me know first. Now I'm in a tailspin, terrified of ending up alone while he's all loved up, with potentially a new family in the future. I know from the experience of friends that OLD in your 50s is a pretty grim thankless task, but how else do you meet someone? I too have not found ANYONE attractive in probably about 10 years. Is that it for me? Im not particularly bothered about sex, but would really like to have that feeling of companionship and the thought that someone will care/worry if I'm not home when I say I will be. I haven't even looked OL yet, because I don't want the disappointment of seeing what's out there. Maybe getting a dog is the answer!

@LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife the man dazzled you and you didn't want to see him again? Why?

@changemyways you can't go into dating because you're terrified of being alone. That is a recipe for disaster.

@BlastedPimples

Hard to explain, I didn't like the feeling. I couldn't think straight. A recipe for disaster in my book. I could well imagine losing site of my very strong boundaries.

@BlastedPimples Agreed, that's why I'm not jumping into anything. I'm aware I just need to take stock of what's happened. The silly thing is, I'm actually much happier on my own when I really think about it!

There is a Thread about this: Thinking of going much younger for sex
Several ladies with nice experiences of younger men and one letter from an older woman with a younger Girl Friend.

I don’t think that’s the case. The beautiful men are still beautiful. They’re also still married! The potatoes are the ones whom their wives divorced. So when you look around the dating market and see unattractive men, it’s because the good ones have been skimmed off already.

@trakehner as hard as it feels now it will get better. You are vulnerable don't put yourself in a position that makes you feel negative. You are a Goddess! Embrace it. Regain your power.

@trakehner The best laugh I’ve had recently was when my sister took me out to dinner. She’s been married to her wife for many years, two lovely adopted boys and a fantastic, happy, peaceful life. Straight women always ask how their household runs so smoothly and cheerfully… no prizes for guessing the answer to that!

I said to her, “Bugger men, I might get on the ladies’ bus like you,” and she said “Oooh go on, do it — you’d have a lovely time” 😂 It was the “lovely time” bit that still makes me laugh now. Maybe that is the answer!

Go for a younger man?

I am the same! Only feel attracted to men when I have known them for a while.

I have just deleted my OLD apps - Bumble, Tinder, PoF, Badoo and two fitness ones.

I just don't find anyone mega attractive for all the reasons previous posters have said. Then the ones l have met up with look nothing like the posted photos as they've used old ones.

Attraction for me is more than physical though, l want to be mentally stimulated and meet someone who is interesting and has hobbies of their own as well as one's we might equally have.

The one word answers, or when asking what they have done over the weekend...and the response is "nothing much" is such a turn off.

I'd like to meet someone but l don't think OLD is going to be the way for me... but then, how does a 48yr old woman meet someone 🤔

This!!!

I generally think women age better than men.

I've learned to be more flexible with looks.

The last guy I had a relationship with (through OLD) the 20-30 year old would have dismissed totally. I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him initially but we ended up having good chemistry.

The very good looking ones tend to know it & often are just looking for casual sex.

If they are reasonably intelligent, have a professional career & not had too much of a beating with the ugly stick, I'll have a go at meeting them.

I only find young men attractive now which is a bit weird. Maybe this is what happens to middle aged men who chase young women.

They don’t look after their skin, exercise or eat well in general and reap the rewards later. Often they don’t dress to suit their shape or age either.

Thanks for this thread, I now don't feel like the only one! I can relate to everything you have all said. I've been single for 6yrs, was ok at first until ex H met someone and has since remarried. I've been on Bumble and Hinge for about 4yrs and look almost daily and have not had any luck! I find it really hard to find anyone I like the look of in the slightest! I just don't like bald heads and beards. I was starting to think there was something wrong with me, so thank you ladies for being honest. Let's start a commune! 😂

Same. I deleted my dating accounts as men my age (50) just seemed to have made no effort physically to look after themselves. It was so off putting and whilst being heterosexual i just found it all really unappealing.

I think men seem to expect us to make an effort but to do little themselves. I don't really know how to address it.

The worst of it is though that as we hit this age most of the men our age don't even have their settings for women the same age, but much younger, so we aren't even showing on their timeline anyway!

I don’t like bald heads either. Unfortunately DH went bald so that’s what I’ve got. I find it really unattractive but I know he can’t help it. At this age you have to accept things that people can’t change, you can’t be picky like when you were younger.

I totally agree, the dream would be a partnership with another functioning adult, ie a woman, but without the sex part!

Yes this! Or to somehow discover that I am a lesbian after all. I’ve been separated 8 years and stayed single because every time I dip my toe in OLD I just lose heart. I don’t actually mind bald men (lucky me) but so many of them are so dull in what they write and the photos are so bad. The ones with a massive motorbike. The ones with a dead fish. The ones where they’re manspreading on a manky-looking sofa and look like they haven’t been outside for 6 weeks. The ones who don’t smile in any of their pics and make a “treat em mean to keep ‘em keen” hard man face. Ugh. And yes the worms! Why do so many men take a photo of their head from the viewpoint of their chest?

I’ve chatted to a few and got as far as arranging to meet, in total 3 men who I liked on the basis of seeming intelligent, interesting and functioning. All three bailed - two cancelled, one stood me up. Even though I wasn’t hugely invested, that was a bit of a knock.

I agree about attraction usually coming after you get to know someone. I recently spent some time with a man I’ve worked with distantly for 20+ years but never spoken to much. Just a couple of hours talking over something that needed sorting out. He was great company and we had a lot in common and chatted away putting the world to rights. He isn’t a looker on paper (not claiming I am either!) but I started to feel attracted to him for the first time. He’s married so not an option but it was actually nice to have that feeling and know it is still possible! I’ve had my share of relationships and flings but never actually “dated” - it’s always been just getting to know men in various contexts. But that’s hard as a single mum who wfh.

You identified it yourself OP — you and Ex were great friends for 15 years and now the friendship is gone. You can't replace that with casual hookups on a dating site. Even a new romance won't be a satisfying substitute for a long friendship, or years of domestic intimacy. It takes time to grow. Grieve the friendship, the shared history. In the future, once you're both healed and settled in new lives, maybe some part can be reclaimed.

For now, I'd focus on cultivating new friendships, new activities, new adventures. Instead of rushing to find a new guy appealing, to what, prove a point? Your Ex won't have replaced 15 years of closeness with you, either; he's just getting laid, trying to move on, boasting his ego, hoping to feel less lonely and adrift too.

It sounds like you were on the right track before his news derailed you. Don't let it! I hope you have a fantastic time on your weekend break - but if you wobble, you can always bring MN on your adventure too x

Oh and there’s another type too IMO - Mr Active. Not overweight or unfit as he spends his life cycling, hiking, adventuring and trying out extreme sports. He says things like “I have two wonderful kids who are my world” and then “I love exploring the world, camping under the stars, remote rugged beaches at midnight with that special someone” and I think yes so do I mate but I’m a single mum. I can’t do that. Who’s looking after your kids while you do all this? The imbalance between my life and the freedoms most single dads have means I’d be boring and unavailable for Mr Active.