Not finding anyone attractive OLD

[trakehner]

15 year relationship ended 7 months ago. I've never done OLD before but thought I would sign up and have a browse. I'm not ready to actually date, I'm still feeling very fragile despite the fact that split with ex was the right decision, we had grown apart, but there was no major animosity. However since I heard he has already met someone new, I've been feeling very low and sad.

I'm 50 so looking at men around the same age. I have viewed hundreds and hundreds of profiles and I l find literally none of them physically attractive! None of them!

Got me thinking, I don't really find any men attractive in real life either, many actually revolt me. Main reason ex and I split was that I had developed the ick for him physically which destroyed our sex life, something he decided he just couldn't contemplate a future without (fair enough).

But what on earth is wrong with me?!! Is this yet another lovely period-menopause symptom! Will I ever fancy a man again??!!!

I'd go younger personally. I'm 54 and had a 46 year old desperate to take me out last weekend. He kept telling me age was nothing but a number. The men my age or older, like you say, not that attractive.

I know what you mean, the men OLD that like me I am not attracted to, that’s what I dislike about online dating, you can only go by a photo, which isn’t great, the bios are a waste of time as they all sound the same. Trouble is it’s so hard to meet people other than online these days.

You were happy though until you heard your ex had found someone new. That’s very telling. All this is an emotional reaction to what he’s doing, rather than a sincere desire for a new man in your life.

@Blackcats7 said it best
“I’ve given the whole relationship thing up as a bad job now and feel much happier for it.”
This is the way, OP. At least for now.

best wishes

I totally agree, the dream would be a partnership with another functioning adult, ie a woman, but without the sex part!

Why don't you do that then?

I’m in the same boat. I’m mid 50s and haven’t seen any men of similar age rattractive to me since my mid 40s. And I even like bald heads and beards 😂. But their faces and bodies just do nothing for me. I need to be attracted to something even a smile but it never happens.

I’m no supermodel and I have facial scarring so I know I can’t be picky but I’m just never attracted to anyone unless they are at least 15 years younger and I’m not going that route.

@AgileGreenSeal you are spot on! This is 100% a reaction to him finding someone. I knew it would happen and I don't want him back but it has still hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not prepared for the emotional impact this news would have on me. We were great friends for 15 years, even after the sex fizzled out, we still got on so well. Texting many times a day to chat or share something we had seen online that we knew the other would like etc etc - this continued after we split until it predictably began trailing off as soon as he met someone else. It's so painful. I'm grieving the loss of our friendship, 15 years of memories, my relationship with his parents which was close also.

I know I'm not ready to meet anyone else (may never be) and the sensible thing would be to stop browsing the apps, as they are definitely feeding my pain and the sense of what I have lost (even ex was better looking than the men on the apps 😂). I'm in a horrible obsessive cycle that I just can't break out of, even though I know I should and feeling very sorry for myself at the moment.

@LonelyInDville that did make me laugh about actually liking bald heads and beards but still not finding anyone attractive!

I think PPs who mentioned the "slow burn" are definitely on to something. I know Attraction/chemistry is based on so much more than what you see in a photo. I just don't know if I can be bothered or have the energy to wait long enough to see whether the slow burn will actually ignite (or more likely just sputter out and die completely!). Yes, I know it's probably because I'm actually looking on OLD for all the wrong reasons, to make myself feel better rather than because I actually want to find someone. But I still just want to fancy someone and remember what that spark feels like!

Is OLD a dating app I dint know about?? Because as a mid 40s woman I'm very bored of the 26-34 year old crew chancing it because they watched american pie and have a stifler's mom/ cougar fetish that I have no time for

I realised recently that I don’t fancy anyone by the way they look. I pick on the basis of personality and get to know them and the kiss and hope some chemistry arrives. It’s far more about their smell, texture and whether they kiss the way I like. Can look like a mountain troll if the other things are ok.

Perhaps try looking at all ages and gender with an open mind. Maybe you fancy people differently than you think.

You are me (albeit with a longer timeline)! My partner of 7 years was 12 years younger than me (I’m 49) and we split up recently. For the last year or so we’ve been best friends really with all that you describe, and the full relationship was always based on respect and friendship rather than shagging! So I was sad but ok with the split, things sort of carried on a bit awkwardly but very amicably. We share a dog and business stuff so had to, really.

However… this was suspiciously quickly followed by the news he’s seeing someone else. His own age I assume (I haven’t asked anything about her and I don’t want to know). Talk about a tailspin; I’m suddenly deeply grieving the whole thing, have set firm boundaries re no personal contact for everyone’s sake, and have gone from being happily single and independent — which is my default state, really — to “ohmygodfindsomeonefindsomeone” 😅

Realistically, I’m not fussed! I had a quick look online and bloody hell, what a shower. I look pretty good for my age and am fit, eat well etc — most of the men 45-55 look like serial killers, and not the Ted Bundy type. I’d say go younger but personally I’m wary: don’t want to catch feelings for someone who ends up wanting kids etc like the last one did! If it was just fwb that’d be ideal… as long as he’s at least relatively attractive 😏

Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in this! Hope you can find peace (fuck love, peace is the most important thing).

I'm 52. Most of the men my age on OLD are unattractive. Haven't looked after themselves.

The ones that are even vaguely attractive have so many women after them.

They seem to all think they're Brad Pitt. Deluded.

I'm definitely straight and really cannot see myself finding another partner in my life again. This doesn't bother me too much. There are other things / interests to pursue.

I also don’t find people instantly attractive from a picture. I too have to know someone and the attraction grows as I get to know them. I preferred to me people in real life than OLD which I found soul destroying to be honest and a complete waste of time.

U r not alone OP. I.like bald heads too, as someone mentioned , try recently could not find anyone I found attractive either. Some people make no effort. One person put a picture of his motorbike- no other photo🙄 I am.mid 50s. I met two.people on OLD on the last 10 years and had relationships, however I think as many have said, post Covid the calibre of candidates has got worse. I would leave it for a while, be single

Take HRT, sorted out my libido.

I second what Agilegreenseal states about peace. It's so underrated. When u haven't hot it u realise its value.

I'm mid thirties and feel the same. If their pictures don't give me the ick then what they've written in their bio normally does. I've tried dating men I click with but don't really fancy and it just doesn't work, so not sure what the answer is! In my case I think it's a bit symptomatic of generally being put off men after being in a series of horrible relationships.

I’m 2 years separated and I’ve come to the conclusion that men have little/nothing to offer that would enhance my life.

I have a friendship group and adult children for holidays and days out, I can book a handyman to fix things around the house, I have my dog for cuddles and a monthly massage to fulfil a need for physical touch, and sex toys are a lot more efficient than any man I’ve ever been with!

I’m not upsetting my peaceful life by going swimming in the dating cesspool that is OLD anytime soon.

@LMBoston - I can't believe how similar your situation is to mine!! Thank you for sharing your story and making me feel less alone and insane! If you ever fancy striking up a platonic partnership let me know 😂

Additional complication for me in that Ex and I have a teen daughter together which obviously means I can't cut contact completely, even though from a healing and personal protection point of view that's exactly what I want to do 😢.

I was on OLD on and off for 1.5 years in my late 40s. I didn't find anyone I fancied my age or a bit older. I met a few for dates and they felt like my granddads, even if only 3-4 years older. I quickly ended up dating men who were 5-10 years younger. I did fancy them more but found them emotionally so young.

It's hard.

I did accidentally meet my partner out at a dance music event. He's 3.5 years older. We've been together 2.5 years and I fancy him like crazy. He doesn't look young for his age but it something about how he moves and uses his eye contact in real life. I would never have chosen him on OLD.

Tbf If I had met my current bloke online I probably wouldn't have swiped right on him 😂 but I'm someone who often needs to meet men in person and have a conversation to see if I find them attractive, and then my attraction grows.

As a 55 year old who’s tried and given up on OLD honestly I’ve had so many men a decade or more older who look like they be one of my dads mates message me thinking they’ve got a chance. The oldest was 79!!!

I have met a handful of men in the wild who initially seemed promising but both online and in real life they just seem to be after easy instant casual sex and that’s not me.

‘Another functioning adult, ie a woman’ just made me snort 😂😂

I'm 56 and my experience of online dating has been mostly positive but came to the conclusion that men on OLD fit into one of three groups visually. Potatoes, Earthworms or the rare ones I found attractive. Potatoes= bald head, fat face, pasty looking, beard or no beard. Earthworms = as above, no beard, profile pic taken from below head height.
I had a date with someone who I clicked with and found quite attractive except in real life he was gorgeous, his whole presence dazzled me and for that reason I didn't want to see him again.
I found someone my age who I think is just so lovely, ticks all my boxes AND is good looking.
I think your attitude to OLD is very important. I found it quite entertaining really. I had a conversation with a guy who was so funny and gave me a very interesting insight into OLD from the other side. He said women lie about their age when it's blatantly obvious they are much older (same as men) 53 seems to be the favoured fake age (when in reality they were mid sixties + ) and the pool of attractive, honest women was very small. Just like it is for us. He also said 'The tide wouldn't take most of them out' which is generally what I felt about the men looking to 'let destiny take control' 🤣

It's the personality that makes a person attractive. Looking at pictures of men who are not models is not going to be exciting. Especially men in their 50s who without a personality are often a balding head or an extra chin. Or a dad bod. Yes I know not all men. I'm 35 and the pool of men my age have usually had a crack habit or they are chests who have had so many failed connections. I seem to attract married men too. It's grim.

But yeah personality and that moment of ahh I like them. They are funny or whatever beats a photo.

🤣🤣
No amount of oestrogen would make me fancy the men 50+ on the apps.
Paper bag might be more effective though