Husband looking at my sisters "naughty website"

[Mumoftwo95]

I made a thread yesterday with screen shots of his notifications from what looked like a saucy hook up site, I had it out with him and he said they must be spam notifications from live streaming the boxing illegally. I looked it up and it said he could have accidentally clicked "allow pop ups" on his browser so I tried to find the settings for him and stumbled apon his search history which had shown he had been accessing has been accessing my sisters "naughty website" multiple times over the last few months. He said he hasn't subscribed as if that makes it any better. I feel so sick, betrayed and just completely ruined.

How would you go about moving out? I have bugger all in savings and have a 2 + 3 year old to look after, my whole life has fallen to pieces in the matter of minutes.

Is she on Only Fans?

Your own sister! That's grim

Sorry, to be clear, do you mean your sisters Only Fans, when you say 'naughty site' - not a random website like she writes erotica or something?

That is awful, if it's her Only Fans. I would feel very much the same re betrayal and questioning his feelings and thoughts towards her.

What is your financial position re work/housing/savings/family network?

Oh gosh I read your other thread OP.
Absolutely sickening behaviour from your DH.
I think your first step should be seeking legal advice to see where you stand as regards separation/ divorce.

@pinkyredrose @WouldYouLikeMeToSpellThatForYou she has made her own patreon.

I work full time as a home baker and live in a house that comes with his job. I rely massively on living here to make my income.

My parents have no room and there is no one else that could help, I only have £800 saved away as I've had to fork out for a new car recently. I'm absolutely screwed aren't I?!

@Bekindtoyourselfandothers It really is. I only have £800 in savings, I think I should keep trying to build that to get out first?

I'm not an expert and hopefully more knowledgeable posters will come on your thread to give practical advice.
I do know that solicitors offer a half hour free consultation re divorce and separation. Also there is the government on line benefits calculator you could go on to see if you are entitled to benefits.

If he's your husband you're entitled to at least half of everything. Honestly I would start divorce proceedings with your £800.

He will have to share assets with you. Don't panic- you will not be screwed but take proper legal advice now.

You can make the universal credit application while still living together on the basis of being separated and you'll be able to see how much money you would get. You will probably be surprised how well off you are with the benefits and may get some help towards council tax also and rent. Speak to a benefits advisor ASAP, I'm so sorry you're going through this x

OP, you say "I work full time as a home baker and live in a house that comes with his job. I rely massively on living here to make my income."

So your husband doesn't own the house, is that right? Does he have any other assets? Or a pension scheme/pot?

I know it must be hard when you're reeling from this, but collect any information you can. His earnings and assets, your earnings, an idea of rent on suitable homes where you could carry on with your business; put all that into a benefits calculator and child maintenance calculator; arrange a fre half hour consultation with a family law solicitor.

I think it will be easier to make a decision once you have a better idea of your probable financial situation if you do separate

Are you sure hes been looking at it loads/wanking over it etc? Does he have a subscription?

He’s said he doesn’t have a subscription. My friend was once very upset that her husband was looking at a mutual female acquaintance’s “naughty page’ before Only Fans was a thing and I thought it was just curiosity - we’d all (female friend group) looked at her page. They did get divorced eventually because he was an unpleasant man in many other ways.

But in this situation, for it to be the OP’s sister is just off the charts weird and devastating. Plus he lied and tried to cover his tracks. I think it’s grounds for divorce.

I'd be separating but refusing to move out and make the kids homeless. He may refuse to leave, but he cause this mess so he can either go or stay and face up to the mess he's caused.

He's made things really uncomfortable - time for him to be uncomfortable living together for a few months while you sort out a plan for separating that doesn't negatively impact on the kids.

What an absolute shit of a man he is.

I hope you screw him for every penny.

I think if it were me I'd feel like I wasn't enough.
Even tho I know anybody other than me is a downgrade 🤭🤣
No, don't think I could get past that.

Apparently I'm the only one who wouldn't divorce over this. He's essentially just watching porn? Or have I missed something?

You’d Be ok with your husband watching your sister on a porn site?

There doesn’t appear to be much trust. Why were you looking at his phone in the first place?

By your own admission, you’re financially dependent on him and his employer, if your home and workplace come with his job.

It can help to view yourself as a business. Try to take the emotions out and make business decisions. I’d start to build independence: financial and emotional (e.g. trusted friends). You’ll also need time to seek and digest divorce advice, evidence etc. I’d bide your time, but be moving forward purposefully to leave. It can be tough alone with such young kids, who need constant supervision. In a couple more years, them being at school gives you more time and opens up possibilities of new lifelong friends with kids a similar age.

Only you know if, overall, your relationship is worth saving and could be saved and even strengthened if you discuss calmly with your DH and find mutually satisfactory solutions? That would obvs be better for you all if it makes your relationship stronger. Do you have a right to demand he doesn’t look at porn? Probably not. But do have to be with a man who doesn’t share your beliefs/values about porn? Absolutely not. Does him looking at your sister’s site cross a reasonable boundary? I think most people would say yes.

But even if you stay, aim to be financially and emotionally independent, so you can change your mind.

Ok this is a terrible situation for you my dear awful . so now you have to plan you mentioned you have 800 saved and it’s not much but a start … I understand you have very young children my advise would be the following
start saving
the new car you brought resell it and buy a cheaper one take your share out
check with welfare what you would be entitled to and that includes housing
check benifits etc
dont leave unless you have somewhere to go
please remember you will be ok everything will be ok

I'd be separating but refusing to move out and make the kids homeless. He may refuse to leave, but he cause this mess so he can either go or stay and face up to the mess he's caused.

How does that work when their home is through his work?

My ex was caught looking through the bathroom at my sister in the shower. He had always had a thing for her.

This is so grim, that I want to believe it’s a fake post.
If this is true, aim so sorry op, and you deserve better.

Far out, in that case your bar is so low that even a flea couldn’t limbo under it. That’s not a flex.

OP, this is so grim, I’m so sorry to read this. I don’t say this lightly because most things can be worked at, especially when there’s very young children involved. Just get out, be done with him. He doesn’t deserve you. This is just something you cannot get over. Did you tell your sister?

Please don't flame me.

1. What he did was a betrayal and terribly wrong.
2. The fact that he "lied about it to cover his tracks" isn't all that unsurprising or unexpected in this type of situation.
3. Her sister did choose to make a Patreon page. I believe most men would be naturally curious to look at such page of a sister-in-law, work colleague, friend, acquaintance, or whoever they know that is making such a page. That does not justify looking at it in any way, but it would be a common male inclination to do so.
4. It's OP's choice to move out, of course. And it's also her choice if she wants to work on it with him through counseling, reconciliation, etc. They do have two young children together.