Husband looking at my sisters "naughty website"

[Mumoftwo95]

I made a thread yesterday with screen shots of his notifications from what looked like a saucy hook up site, I had it out with him and he said they must be spam notifications from live streaming the boxing illegally. I looked it up and it said he could have accidentally clicked "allow pop ups" on his browser so I tried to find the settings for him and stumbled apon his search history which had shown he had been accessing has been accessing my sisters "naughty website" multiple times over the last few months. He said he hasn't subscribed as if that makes it any better. I feel so sick, betrayed and just completely ruined.

How would you go about moving out? I have bugger all in savings and have a 2 + 3 year old to look after, my whole life has fallen to pieces in the matter of minutes.

Absolutely totally 100% this

its so tiresome

He said he hasn't subscribed as if that makes it any better. I feel so sick, betrayed and just completely ruined.

How would you go about moving out? I have bugger all in savings and have a 2 + 3 year old to look after, my whole life has fallen to pieces in the matter of minutes.

I'm getting the impression from the thread that OP's actual question has got lost in a debate about our individual views on acceptable behaviour.

I'm not sure that I'd be able to consider moving out immediately. Not with £800 it's not enough money.
I'd wait and get information on benefits etc. Then save a deposit for a rental.
Finding somewhere to live will be the main issue. You will get there in the end though.

I’m not sick of men’s posts. It must be hard read posts that jump to the worst possible conclusions and speak in such a denigrating fashion regarding the male sex and not want to pipe up with your point of view if you are a man.

A ‘naughty’ website has morphed into hard core porn

Accessing “multiple times” over a “few months” has morphed into regular, lengthy viewing sessions while masturbating and fantasising with a view to cheating if given the chance.

I don’t know why some women seem to be utterly gleeful by jumping to the worst case scenario out of many possibilities. It must be keyboard courage that has them telling an OP to abandon all hope on so little evidence.

I mean, if we want insight into the minds of men, isn’t it worthwhile to get a few men commenting?

I definitely do not want to get 'into the minds of men'. In any case, how can random men who have stumbled onto a website clearly aimed at women be representative of all men. I can't imagine many women posting on a website clearly aimed at men. Or even spending time reading the posts.

We are all random women too and mumsnet is a parenting website which has a Dadsnet within it.

Edited to add- that if you feel free to say you are sick of posts by men, then I am also free to say that I am not sick and I see value in their posts.

It's a bit grim but OP I'd have words and get over it. Why break up your family over this.

I know this is MN and 90% here are women but the big mistake women make on here is judge male behaviour against female standards.

You may not like it but men think differently and men and women are not the same. Its the same every time a post on porn or strip clubs cones up. A lot of frothing at the mouth moralising based on female brains.

100% every man alive would check out his SILs page. Subscribing to it would probably be a bridge too far as would actually shagging her but he's not doing that.

You should be more annoyed at your sister for getting her fanny out on the Internet.

Why are you blaming OP's sister? Did she solicit his grim attention? I don't know much about Onlyfans other than it's new and it's a porn thing for everyone else who wants/needs to be looked at by randoms, but how is the sister at fault here?

It's the shit of a husband who is a grimey twat, he shouldn't have any interest in looking at his wife's sister - even if he looks at porn generally. For most of us, there are clear lines that we don't cross.

Trying and frankly also sounding like a twat to blame OP's sister just excuses the lousy men who are always, always at the bottom of this.

I really feel for the OP, there's no coming back from this. I hope OP that you have some real life support and people you can talk to for getting yourself out of this in the best financial shape you can manage. So sorry.

*A ‘naughty’ website has morphed into hard core porn

Accessing “multiple times” over a “few months” has morphed into regular, lengthy viewing sessions while masturbating and fantasising with a view to cheating if given the chance.*

A. You doing know what's on her site.

B. You don't know what he did during his multiple views/sessions.

You have no idea.

So while you accuse others of exaggerating; others can entirely equally accuse you of minimising.

In any case, he shouldn't have been in his partner's sister's sex work site. Let alone repeatedly.

He could choose any other billion images or videos.

End of story.

Oh and there's pocketaces joining in the sister-blaming too.

No, not every man would look at their sister in law. Perhaps you just know some awful men? Ugh.

But she doesn't want an explanation of why he did it. It's not a fucking mystery.

She's said how she feels about it, she doesn't like him anymore, doesn't want to continue a relationship with the man and wants advice on how to leave her dud of a husband.

Do any of the guys have any thoughts on that, except for don't bother and get over yourself?

I wish I knew more about the practical sides of these things, but I also wish the men would bugger off and let the more knowledgeable women actually help OP with the problem she actually has.

It’s not even been called a “sex work site”
It has only been referred to as a “naughty website”

I’m not minimising by repeating the original and only information we have been given and pointing out how far this has been exaggerated.

It's the equivalent of you looking at your brother in laws porn site, multiple times over months and your husband being happy with it?

For most of us, there are clear lines that we don't cross

Yep.

Purposefully and repeatedly viewing your spouse or partner's sibling nude/nearly nude/in sexual poses/in a sexual context etc. is one of them.

It doesn't need spelled out.

"I know someone who was on naked attraction. I’ve never watched an episode because I wouldn’t want to inadvertently see him naked. A boundary is crossed when you see someone naked that can’t be undone. I respect him too much to bring that into our friendship."

Hmm. That's a very different situation though and quite harmless, like accidentally walking in on somebody.

Where I live (not one of those countries where nudity means nothing) some of the spas are naked and some colleagues have attended at the same time! Awkward, but they lived to laugh about it.

Why do you think she's referred to it as that?

@Mumoftwo95 I would instigate divorce proceedings asap. I would not move out though. See what your solicitor advises re potential financial outcomes.

He really is scum.

At least he kept it in the family 😅

OP’s problem is *I feel so sick, betrayed and just completely ruined. because her DH fucked up. *

She thinks the solution is to divorce and leave with the children.

Some of us women think there are other ways to handle the problem of her DH’s fuck up and how she feels about it that might not require the end of a marriage and children divided between two homes.

Exactly.

Our "all perfectly natural and understandable and harmless" male poster has so far declined to elaborate on his many times his wife would need to look at his brother naked or nearly so, on his amateur porn site; before she'd establish whether she was with the better and sexier of the two brothers.

Or how many times before her "curiosity" was satisfied.

I think if it were OF, she’d have said it. She has decided on the solution of divorce so it would be in her interest to say the worst to justify that to MN as she is looking for validation for her feelings.

As she said ‘naughty’ I’m doubting it is actually porn.
It is deliberately vague so she can be truthful and get validation.

All sorts of people do.

Some of us women think there are other ways to handle the problem of her DH’s fuck up

That's not a fuck up.

Get some standards.

No wonder men act the way they do when women stay and "work things through" when they cross serious lines. And other women encourage them to and normalise it.

Ask yourself where op's partner would be if his brother was an amateur porn actor/model and she"d gone on his site (without her partner's knowledge) repeatedly to look at him, and lied about it to him as well.

I don't.

But maybe that's because I have empathy.

That's grim op 😕

I think many couples throw the towel in much too soon rather than doing the hard yards that a successful marriage requires. But this! NO

I couldn't get past this if it were my dh. I expect him to see my female family members in the same way as his own female family members. My sister is his sister too, albeit in law!

Has he actually paid for it too? I thought it was a paid subscription type site. if he had looked out of curiosity thats not too bad, but to keep going back to it is just disgusting. There is plenty of content on the web that doesn't have his wife's sister in it! I hope your sister will see this as a prompt to change her career!

You're not in the best position financially op, but it can be done! Get some free legal advice before you make a move so you know where you're at. Also see citizens advice. Knowledge is power op!
I'm getting a whiff that this may be a military marriage op, if that's the case there are other places he could stay if you end this without you and the dc ending up immediately homeless. Good luck 👍

What I masturbate over is my private business, and I'd consider him in the wrong for snooping and finding out what I've been viewing.

I have actually just checked with him and he said "up to you".

However, OP does mind which is the important point here.

OP - if this is something you can't overcome, then you might need to look for alternative work for now. I'm really sorry you're going through this

@HazelPlayer

I think it's just difference of opinions here. I don't mind what my husband masturbates to as long as it's not child porn