Husband looking at my sisters "naughty website"

[Mumoftwo95]

I made a thread yesterday with screen shots of his notifications from what looked like a saucy hook up site, I had it out with him and he said they must be spam notifications from live streaming the boxing illegally. I looked it up and it said he could have accidentally clicked "allow pop ups" on his browser so I tried to find the settings for him and stumbled apon his search history which had shown he had been accessing has been accessing my sisters "naughty website" multiple times over the last few months. He said he hasn't subscribed as if that makes it any better. I feel so sick, betrayed and just completely ruined.

How would you go about moving out? I have bugger all in savings and have a 2 + 3 year old to look after, my whole life has fallen to pieces in the matter of minutes.

For those couple of wierdos that are commenting that they would be ok with this..... let's put it a different way for you as you just dont seem to get it .... it's his own children's auntie ... it's his wife's sister, its absolutely the lowest of the low

I would look for a full or part time job which will bring in a regular income & switch the baking to a side business. Even if it's a 3 month temporary Christmas retail job, save the spare income.

Prioritise building up your savings pot, plan your exit carefully & get legal advice. Don't share your plans with him until you have prepared your exit & everything is ready.

Make copies of his salary slips, financial paperwork, bank statements, birth & marriage certificates, yours & kids passports etc & hide in a safe space.

If you have a joint account then get cashback every time you grocery shop & add this to your savings. Use the joint account to buy additional supplies for your baking business & large purchases/next size up uniforms for kids (if you have any) & you.

Find out how much rent is for a flat from an estate agent & start saving up for a deposit. Sit right for 3 - 6 months and start planning your exit, don't let him know what your plans are.

This ⬆️

To be fair, if my husbands sister had a porn site I'd look at it 🙄.

He'll be glad to know there's one woman who'd touch him with a bargepole then, because the rest of us wouldn't!

So he hasn't cheated? Is it just this?

Bit grim but are you sure you want to change your future and your children's future because you didn't like him having a wank?

Unless I'm not understanding something at worst he has had a wank about your sister, im not sure I would chose to split a family up and permently reduce living standards because of a wank. Or has he made a move on her or done something else?

Grim all round.

You also should probably disown her, if this will be a problem going forward.

The second any man you meet finds out that your sister has put that out for people to see, I'd be surprised if any less than 99% of them wouldn't look. Men you are dating, any son you have and his friends, colleagues etc.

It's a bit awkward but I feel like it's part of having a sister that does porn. Every single man who knows your sister in the slightest and knows about the page has looked at it, and most women too. It's curiosity. If someone told me they did porn I would look at it. It's uncomfortable but I can't imagine there being a single man you could date in the future that wouldn't look at it as soon as they knew about it.

He is no doubt lying about the ‘pop up porn’ too.

If he is a liar - that, for me, would be a huge issue. Does he lie to others? Maybe about why he’s late or why he cannot do something? I would be asking myself - What else does he think is acceptable - as long as his wife doesn’t know about it?

As a pp said get a job, save some money, buy clothes for the next two winters for the kids. Buy laundry powder, cleaning products etc and leave at families. Household goods in the sales. Again leave with a friend or family. Build a strong network and leave. Don’t utter a word of your plan - he is okay with hiding things so take his lead. Prioritise your career and earnings as that would enable you to walk.

Over the next few months you may notice other personality traits that you have previously accepted or overlooked but now find undesirable. You need an exit plan.

You sell cakes, if your sister's DH bought some that would be ok assume ?
You DS sells porn ( personally find it 😖 but each to their own ) , of course your DH and probably other relatives , aquaintances would look at the goods, just out of sheer curiosity.
Bet anyone, male or female would check a close relative's porn site.
Will get totally flamed for this but find your DS business' worse than your DH's.

All the cool wives on here… he looked at the page multiple times over several months. That’s beyond curiosity FFS.

I hope you are joking

It's totally upsetting that your husband perved at your sister's porn site, especially if you had spoken about the disgusting way your sister makes money and how you can't respect her or ever wish for her site to be seen by you, your husband, children etc.

If, however, you have always expressed a healthy admiration towards your sister's way of making money, then your husband would not really be expecting that you would be hurt by him seeing it.

If you hold your sister's business in as high a regard as a cake making business then you need to reassess how you react to your husband looking at it.

Wtaf????
Can't imagine how that felt. What a fwit

There’s looking at it once out of curiosity which I agree many people would do and there’s accessing it regularly for titillation. It sounds like the latter here.

Often tied in with the site content. Like gambling ads. I presume the site allows ads relevant to content.

You can apply for universal credit and they will pay most of your housing costs too, if not all.
I'd rather be on benefits than live with him.
Ring universal credit to explain you are separating from your husband, what would you be entitled to ect.

If you had told him ‘about the disgusting way your sister makes money and how you can't respect her or ever wish for her site to be seen by you, your husband, children etc.’ then as you call it, then it would be almost impossible not to look!!

i get that this is a difficult and emotional thing to get your head around, but i don’t think he’s done anything massively wrong here although obviously it’s very upsetting for you. I think you need to do a lot of talking together to try and move through this rather than split your family up

This. Very surprised at the shock being expressed here.

I would not want to get past it .

People have different levels of expectation regarding fidelity.
Some women regard any porn as a breach of their trust.
Most women, it seems, deem their partner viewing sexual content of their sister as a breach of their trust.

This isn’t the AIBU board. She’s not asking us to vote. She’s asking for practical advice on how to move forward. Telling her that you’d be cool with it, implying she should change her boundaries to meet yours, is not helpful.

You have such a low bar.
You seem to think all men are perves.

If its OPs choice to move out why wasnt it her husbands choice to not look?

So interesting to see such a dichotomy of opinion on this! I think looking at it once is inevitable and I'd let it go, but multiple times? That's where he's been disrespectful. Putting his cheap thrill above his family. He obviously lied, I doubt any man would immediately hold his hands up to this as he knows he's really crossed a line. Men never think they'll get caught out so they think they aren't hurting anybody. I don't think it means he fancies his SIL or he's not in love with his wife, he's just got himself into a sexual fantasy that was too exciting for him to resist. Yes its gross and would make me really uncomfortable but if everything else is really good I think it's worth trying to save the marriage. Maybe take some time out - can be pay for you to go on a trip to have some space? - and think things through before making rash decisions.

He can’t leave. The house comes with his job.

If the house comes with his job, is he military?

Once you’ve gotten over the shock and know what you’d like to do, speak to welfare.

I know RAFA offers free marriage counselling. He can also move out temporarily in the mess whilst you stay in MQ. I know locally some lawyers offers a free divorce chat and the HIVE people would know more.