I'm an OW. And it's killing me.

[Whenwilligrowup]

Sorry this is long . And I'm fully prepared to be completely flamed for this . But I dont know where else to turn. About 6 months ago I split from my stbxh who is a covert narcissist who subtly emotionally abused me for years, as well as the marriage being completely sexless. Around the time of the split, I got chatting to a man who told me he was in a similar situation and I believed he was also separating from his wife. This man was charming , funny , paid me no end of attention and just made me feel alive again after years of feeling nothing.

Long story short we started a physical relationship as well as talking every day . After some digging , it turns out nothing has actually happened with regards to him separating with his wife and it turns out they are still very much living together and sleeping in the same bed (surprise surprise). He tells me they don't have sex , they are like brother and sister, that he is deeply unhappy and wants to move out but that neither of them can afford to live in the house alone and that he doesn't want to mess things up for his two young kids .

Now I know logistically this is highly unlikely to be true , and that this man is probably lying through his teeth , however It's like my brain has a stumbling block when it comes to him. The man I see when we are together is so lovely to me and kind, I just can't compute that this is the same person who would lie to and manipulate two women at the same time. I'm ashamed to say I've fallen in love with him. He works away a lot and we've spent days and nights together, he's stayed at my house while my children were away ,and we've been on a trip together all whilst he was supposedly working away . When I look this from an outside perspective, I feel absolutely ashamed of myself and the person I have become- but when we're together everything feels amazing , and I let myself believe what he tells me about his marriage and that he loves me and is planning to be with me , despite knowing deep down it's all a pack of lies. As an aside, I also don't really believe I'm the only person he's 'entertaining' despite what he tells me either.

Since this began , my mental health has completely spiralled , and I feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom. I've always suffered with depression and extremely low self esteem anyway, but now it's worse than ever. I have constant knots of anxiety so much that I wake up feeling sick every morning , I don't feel like eating, I can't concentrate on anything and have lost interest in all the things I used to love . I'm completely detached from my family and friends and just feel numb to everything. I can't even remember the last time I just felt truly content and at peace. I feel like I'm obsessed with this man and always just waiting for him to message me or talk to me. When I do hear from him it's like I get this momentary relief from the depression, but then I quickly crash back down. And if i don't hear from him or he doesn't reply I feel completely miserable and anxious until I do.

I know I need to end this situation. I know what I'm doing is dreadful and that I'm a shitty person. I feel like I'm ruining my life, and that since this began I've been a terrible mum, daughter , sister, and friend . Since I'm just completely consumed by this affair . Not to mention what I'm doing to this man's wife and children . But I just can't seem to walk away . I wish I didn't feel so In love with this man . I even tried going on dating sites and talking to other men but there's just nobody I feel any kind of spark or Interest with. I just don't even know where to turn anymore and feel completely hopeless, sick and anxious about everything.

i think no one has any business blowing up another person’s marriage, especially when children are involved.

Plenty of people don’t want to know - people are different. The OP cannot know either way how this woman feels, she doesn’t know what their finances are, what the health of the wife or kids is like, or anything else about them that might mean that separation makes everyone’s life way worse.

Throwing a wrecking ball into a strangers life is an incredibly weird and cruel suggestion.

It’s not weird at all. The advice on here is always to tell the wife. I’m not saying OP should do so for her own gain / to get him to leave, but many women have had their lives ruined by unknown STIs / HPV because their husbands are shagging around. If it was me I would want to know.

and to be clear, it’s the husband who has thrown a wrecking ball into the wife’s life. Not the OW or anyone else who decides she deserves the truth.

Shagging a married man is not right though. Yes the blame lies squarely with him as he is the one in the relationship and made the vows, but being intimate with a man who you know then goes home to his none the wiser wife shows a lack of decency and compassion for others.

It’s only about sex and it doesn’t sound very good either. I’m unsure if you know how much time and energy goes into looking after children? The man’s wife is probably bone tired and the time this man is spending with you in bed should be with his kids. He sounds awful.
It also sounds like you depend on this man to make your day interesting.
This relationship sounds unhealthy and boring too (sitting around waiting for calls and texts).
The time to grow up is now.

When our brain has been living in a traumatic or flight or fight situation for too long it begins to think that all the stress hormones are the good and almost becomes addicted to them. This means that when we escape those situations our brain is constantly seeking to get that stress level back to our own detriment.
To me the need to be with him, might not even be about who he is as a person but almost an addiction to dangerous or stressful situations.
I would really recommend taking a step back from him and focusing on yourself for a while. You need to recover from your trauma of your previous relationship ❤️❤️

He's not going to leave her and you know it.

There are plenty of men out there. No need to steal someone else's.

So alot of blah blah blah detail.. navel gazing...hand wringing, you now know the truth .. end it

I think OP has left the room. She sucked up all the nice ‘you’re not to blame’ posts and decided she didn’t like the ‘actually you are shitting on another woman big time’ posts. The truth hurts.

You said you were married to a covert narcissist and abuser and this guy sounds like a case of reverting to type.

Out of everything that you have written, what stood out to me most was the fact that to take your mind off things you went back on dating sites.

STOP.

Please dump and block this loser and go and pick your self-esteem up off the floor. Invest the time you'd usually spend waiting for him to contact you in therapy and in activities that will build you up. Please spend more time with your children, your family and your friends as they are the people who have your best interests at heart.

You need to break this cycle and really spend some time on your own without any kind of romantic relationship as it's not fair on you, a potential partner, or those around you. You're not in love with this man, you're obsessed and like I said, reverting to type. He's a liar and is emotionally abusing you and that's what you've been used to.

Please don't involve yourself with anyone else until you realise you deserve better.

I'm still here , only just getting round to reading all this as been out for a walk with my ds. Absolutely grateful for every single response and fully realise that my behaviour is awful , that I've been a shitty person and that I need to stop. I know I am not currently being a good person at all but I do want to be in the future.

Yeah, yeah, whatever

You’re not a shitty person, OP. You are currently doing a shitty thing, and it’s making you miserable into the bargain.

I hope all the plain speaking is giving you strength. All this suffering over a plainly sub standard bloke is simply madness. You know that really.

OP, please spend some time single, with your DC and just be yourself, get your self esteem up and recognise what a healthy relationship looks like.

You are not the one shitting on his wife, he is. Is it ideal - no, but he is the one who made a commitment to his wife, not you. You are single.

Once you have some time alone, proving how strong you are, knowing you're own worth and not accepting anything less, then you will find happiness. Jumping from one relationship to another is not healthy for anyone.

This is lust and escapism OP, not real life and smelly farts, dirty dishes & laundry.
you know what to do- you are in love with an idea, not this liar

He tells me they don't have sex , they are like brother and sister, that he is deeply unhappy and wants to move out but that neither of them can afford to live in the house alone and that he doesn't want to mess things up for his two young kids .

Says EVERY SINGLE MARRIED MAN having their cake and eating it! 🙄

It sounds like you’re a bit addicted to the thrill of him, the dopamine hit you get when he contacts you, the excitement of a planned meet up etc. I’ve been there… when the messages stop it feels awful, you will be constantly checking your phone. But the best thing you can do is just block him so he can’t. Maybe confide in a friend and ask them to do it for you.
It will feel like mourning a loss at first but literally take it a day at a time and look after yourself. I know it’s a massive chiche, but each day it really will get easier. Throw yourself into something, distract, distract and before you know it, it will be weeks since you cried about him.
He is keeping you in a mental jail, you need to set yourself free from this. (Sorry, cheesy but true)

Well your words were - if you want to end it OP, give yourself a shock and tell her - so yeah you were.

The advice on here (not that it matters) is often to tell a friend if something is going on - because that person is a friend, you know them, and you will know when, if and how to do it. It’s rare to say it to the mistress.

Do you see many other people on this actual thread suggesting the OP tell the wife? No because no one knows what impact that would have.

The fact that you would want to know is not relevant - she isn’t you.

He is has indeed put bomb under his marriage as has the OP by having an affair with him. Luckily they haven’t gone off. What the OP needs to do is step away, not detonate a bomb under a family she doesn’t know.

@theduchessofspork that isn’t quite what I said. The act of telling her would also give OP a shock because he’d show his true colours, which would probably help knock off the rose tinted glasses. I didn’t mean do it solely for that reason.

I think OP should end it for her sake, walk away entirely, and tell the wife so she doesn’t unwittingly end up with an STI or cervical cancer. For all you know she has been driving herself mad for months feeling something is amiss and being gaslighted on the daily.

the truth always comes out.

Wow there’s some hateful response on here to a woman admitting fault and seeking advice and support. Plenty of people about who will stick the knife in op, ignore them, they have their own pasts and agendas. You sound like a nice person who has lost her way and ability to see the wood for the trees. What’s done is done, how you move forward is the important bit. Good luck.

It never ceases to amaze me, the number of women on here who won’t hold a woman to account for anything

It’s so infantilising.

The OP is an adult woman with agency. He is a bigger shit than she is, but she’s still a shit.

seeking validation and to be told it’s not her fault, more like.

It’s one thing to have an affair/be the OW if you get a lot out of it but you don’t.

What you’re doing is awful obviously but you’re actually suffering yourself, so what’s the point in it.

If you deleted all of his texts, phone calls, number etc.
How would you get hold of him?

When I broke up with an ex I couldn’t help but to message him.
So I deleted everything, so there was absolutely no way of contacting him.

Why don’t you at least try it.

Or if you don’t want to do the cold turkey approach then you could just text less/take longer to respond.

He is playing you like an absolute mug and laughing at you.

You won’t be the only OW in his life either.

Yep, and then a few months later she is miraculously pregnant.

OP, you are not a shitty person, but you have fallen for what is very likely BS from him. For your own wellbeing you need yo detach yourself from him.

It sounds like he has hoovered you (love bombed), and I would imagine because you're so used to your ex husband doing this (it's a cycle) you've fallen into the trap of thinking this is a normal relationship. It's not. He's a puppet master pulling all the strings. Run, very very far, and very very fast away from him. Get therapy and work on yourself before you start any new relationships. Look up trauma bond. Heal. Take time to learn to love who you are, to learn to love yourself. Good luck.

And the apologists who think their opinion is the only one that matters telling the OP to ignore the majority and only listen to me because I’m the only one who’s right.