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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm an OW. And it's killing me.

296 replies

Whenwilligrowup · 11/08/2024 14:51

Sorry this is long . And I'm fully prepared to be completely flamed for this . But I dont know where else to turn. About 6 months ago I split from my stbxh who is a covert narcissist who subtly emotionally abused me for years, as well as the marriage being completely sexless. Around the time of the split, I got chatting to a man who told me he was in a similar situation and I believed he was also separating from his wife. This man was charming , funny , paid me no end of attention and just made me feel alive again after years of feeling nothing.

Long story short we started a physical relationship as well as talking every day . After some digging , it turns out nothing has actually happened with regards to him separating with his wife and it turns out they are still very much living together and sleeping in the same bed (surprise surprise). He tells me they don't have sex , they are like brother and sister, that he is deeply unhappy and wants to move out but that neither of them can afford to live in the house alone and that he doesn't want to mess things up for his two young kids .

Now I know logistically this is highly unlikely to be true , and that this man is probably lying through his teeth , however It's like my brain has a stumbling block when it comes to him. The man I see when we are together is so lovely to me and kind, I just can't compute that this is the same person who would lie to and manipulate two women at the same time. I'm ashamed to say I've fallen in love with him. He works away a lot and we've spent days and nights together, he's stayed at my house while my children were away ,and we've been on a trip together all whilst he was supposedly working away . When I look this from an outside perspective, I feel absolutely ashamed of myself and the person I have become- but when we're together everything feels amazing , and I let myself believe what he tells me about his marriage and that he loves me and is planning to be with me , despite knowing deep down it's all a pack of lies. As an aside, I also don't really believe I'm the only person he's 'entertaining' despite what he tells me either.

Since this began , my mental health has completely spiralled , and I feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom. I've always suffered with depression and extremely low self esteem anyway, but now it's worse than ever. I have constant knots of anxiety so much that I wake up feeling sick every morning , I don't feel like eating, I can't concentrate on anything and have lost interest in all the things I used to love . I'm completely detached from my family and friends and just feel numb to everything. I can't even remember the last time I just felt truly content and at peace. I feel like I'm obsessed with this man and always just waiting for him to message me or talk to me. When I do hear from him it's like I get this momentary relief from the depression, but then I quickly crash back down. And if i don't hear from him or he doesn't reply I feel completely miserable and anxious until I do.

I know I need to end this situation. I know what I'm doing is dreadful and that I'm a shitty person. I feel like I'm ruining my life, and that since this began I've been a terrible mum, daughter , sister, and friend . Since I'm just completely consumed by this affair . Not to mention what I'm doing to this man's wife and children . But I just can't seem to walk away . I wish I didn't feel so In love with this man . I even tried going on dating sites and talking to other men but there's just nobody I feel any kind of spark or Interest with. I just don't even know where to turn anymore and feel completely hopeless, sick and anxious about everything.

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 12/08/2024 14:54

samanthablues · 12/08/2024 09:35

@StaunchMomma There are plenty of men out there. No need to steal someone else's.

She did not steal anyone’s husband, he put himself in that position, she’s probably not the first nor the last. Looks like his modus operandi is love bombing women, lying to them and making sure the OW is too emotionally invested when she finds out, manipulation at its finest. She should absolutely break up with this tosser but she’s probably trauma bonded to him hence difficult for her. He’s a predator looking for vulnerable women Like the OP.

Of course she's not the first or the last but that doesn't absolve her of her responsibility.

If you want to shag a married man, wait until he has actually left his wife. That way you get to hold on to your integrity.

The OP is not a victim.

Blackthorne · 12/08/2024 15:39

Justrelax · 12/08/2024 14:36

Much, much, much more to the point, OP, you are prioritising this man above your children. How could you?

They are growing up so fast and you'll never get this time back. This time where you prioritised a man (and not even a good man - one you know is a lying cheat) over them. Where you allowed them to go on living with a half-version of their mum because you chose and chose and chose him.

You're not actually responsible for the wife's happiness or even for his kids. People might have their opinions about how you should feel or act, but when it boils down to it, his marriage and family is his responsibility. And your family is YOURS.

Start being a better mother and put them first now. And I do mean now. You can end it right this very minute. It could be over before you even close this tab, if you choose.

so much this. Your kids are part of you. They’re your DNA, your legacy of your time on this planet. How could you put a cheating dick before them?

When you think about it honestly it’s quite repulsive to have anything to do with him. You want to be loved but this couldn’t be further away from true love if it tried. The relationship is a form of self-harming because you think so little of yourself and that’s why you’re depressed.

Do you really think so little of your children too? Because that is quite a big step to choose to annihilate yourself because yes every time to text him, talk to him, meet him, sleep with him, that’s a choice to self harm but to damage your kids in the process? That puts you in another category altogether.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 12/08/2024 15:39

mondaytosunday · 11/08/2024 14:54

Well you are going to have to go cold turkey. And by the way while you are hardly in the right it's the husband who is betraying his wife, not you.
Go to your GP for your MH and shed the bastard who is dragging you down.

I agree that she needs to go cold turkey.

Danbury · 12/08/2024 15:40

I also agree with going cold turkey. The way the OP describes this suggests addiction.

Blackthorne · 12/08/2024 15:46

Danbury · 12/08/2024 15:40

I also agree with going cold turkey. The way the OP describes this suggests addiction.

Exactly. It’s like a drug. She feels good when she’s with him but each meeting, each text etc she dies a little more each time. She knows there’s no good ending with him, so she’s playing to die at the altar of so called “love” but it’s not love at all. So very sad so many women do not know how to value themselves and know their true worth. Often goes back to childhood and an abusive parent who made them feel worthless often the dad then it just keeps playing out with men in adult relationships. Don’t be a repeater OP break the cycle.

Duckingella · 12/08/2024 15:48

StormingNorman · 11/08/2024 14:58

Dump and block.

This

Id consider telling his poor wife too;I'd want to know if I was being cheated on.

Cupcake135 · 12/08/2024 15:54

Duckingella · 12/08/2024 15:48

This

Id consider telling his poor wife too;I'd want to know if I was being cheated on.

Show quote history

Funny, I got slammed for making that suggestion. I think she deserves to know but really it should have been done sooner. It will just look like OP is doing it for selfish reasons unless she also dumps him from a great height.

Beefcurtains79 · 12/08/2024 16:25

MaidOfAle · 12/08/2024 13:04

OP honestly believed that he was separating. He chose to lie to her. That's on him.

Only one of these people broke marriage vows and it wasn't OP.

Do you make a "bad as each other argument" about rape victims too?

Show quote history

This is a revolting comparison, OP is in no way comparable to a rape victim.
How could you even write that? 🤮

kittensinthekitchen · 12/08/2024 16:25

MaidOfAle · 12/08/2024 13:04

OP honestly believed that he was separating. He chose to lie to her. That's on him.

Only one of these people broke marriage vows and it wasn't OP.

Do you make a "bad as each other argument" about rape victims too?

Show quote history

The OP was (still is) married too!

Boomer55 · 12/08/2024 17:10

Frasers · 12/08/2024 02:20

Good grief, do you spend all your time reading self help books?

Show quote history

lol….obviously women can never be responsible for themselves.🙄

OP either carries on with the affair, or ends it. It doesn’t need a drama or counselling - it just needs a decision from OP.🤷‍♀️

Lilacapples · 12/08/2024 17:21

Absolutely no sympathy. You should be ashamed. It’s the worst thing one woman can do to another. Try to imagine how she is going to feel when she finds out . See a doctor .

samanthablues · 12/08/2024 17:42

I would absolutely call the wife, my phone call would be something in the lines of: “hi Nancy, this is Janet and I’m currently dating your husband, he’s told me you guys are separating, trying to sell the house and looking to move forward, I just want to confirm this is the case. Thank you”

See what she sez.

NaivePauline · 12/08/2024 19:50

MaidOfAle · 12/08/2024 13:04

OP honestly believed that he was separating. He chose to lie to her. That's on him.

Only one of these people broke marriage vows and it wasn't OP.

Do you make a "bad as each other argument" about rape victims too?

Show quote history

No she hoped he would be separating with her, whilst also denying her behaviour was contributing to the breakdown of his marriage.

Do I think this affair spured on the demise of op's marriage, probably.

And as for your last comment, I am revolted by your comparison.

The word is consent.

betterangels · 12/08/2024 21:02

Beefcurtains79 · 12/08/2024 16:25

This is a revolting comparison, OP is in no way comparable to a rape victim.
How could you even write that? 🤮

Show quote history

Honestly, this. What the hell?

SamW98 · 12/08/2024 21:19

Beefcurtains79 · 12/08/2024 16:25

This is a revolting comparison, OP is in no way comparable to a rape victim.
How could you even write that? 🤮

Show quote history

Totally agree. Disgusting comment

johnson39 · 14/08/2024 19:21

Lilacapples · 12/08/2024 17:21

Absolutely no sympathy. You should be ashamed. It’s the worst thing one woman can do to another. Try to imagine how she is going to feel when she finds out . See a doctor .

Totally agree ! Disgusting find some self respect and a single man of your own instead

idrinkandiknowthings · 15/08/2024 13:16

WtfRtheUsernames · 11/08/2024 16:52

Op I could have written this myself 15 years ago when I was in a similar situation with very similar feelings as you've described.
As a Pp said the only way is cold turkey, it won't be easy unfortunately and you will likely give in many times but keep going. Distract yourself as much as you can, fill up your free time, get a new hobby, exercise - whatever. I know it sounds like trying to kick a bad drug habit but that is exactly what it is!! I really think therapy would help you too.
Good luck, you can do this

Yep, me too. Unlike OP's AP though, mine had nothing but nice words to say about his wife. Nothing about no sex, only staying for the kids etc.

I think he was on the Spectrum to be honest. He never talked about leaving her and I would never have asked him to. I always said that the only person who should be hurt should be me and so it transpired.

I considered myself to be in love with him and still do, five years on from the affair having ended.

OP - the only way to tackle your feelings is, as others have mentioned, to totally end contact. I was still Facebook friends with him and used to check his page repeatedly during the day, just to glean whatever information about how he was doing as I could. Eventually, I unfriended him and deleted his number. I still think about him every day but have moved on sufficiently to a point where I no longer cry.

Delete all contact and concentrate on your mental health. Don't consider trying to date again for now.

Oh, and you're NOT a shitty person. You're human xx

KhakiShaker · 15/08/2024 14:32

OP you’re trauma bonded in some way to this guy, you’ve become emotionally co dependent. I’ve been there and it’s a horrible place to be. It’s not about him being this amazing man, it’s about him being in the right place at the right time. He appeared when you needed something to cling to. I doubt you love him, you love what he is offering you right now.

With the best will in the world it’s unlikely you’re going to just block him and go cold turkey, maybe someone in a better place mentally would be able to do that but if youre going to stop this situation then you need to be realistic. Counselling won’t do it, they just sit there and listen to you waffle. A therapist will dig deeper and help you understand why you’re making the decisions you are. It’s not cheap but it’s something you need to prioritise for the good of your MH and that of your kids. Good luck

Original poster
Whenwilligrowup · 15/08/2024 17:16

KhakiShaker · 15/08/2024 14:32

OP you’re trauma bonded in some way to this guy, you’ve become emotionally co dependent. I’ve been there and it’s a horrible place to be. It’s not about him being this amazing man, it’s about him being in the right place at the right time. He appeared when you needed something to cling to. I doubt you love him, you love what he is offering you right now.

With the best will in the world it’s unlikely you’re going to just block him and go cold turkey, maybe someone in a better place mentally would be able to do that but if youre going to stop this situation then you need to be realistic. Counselling won’t do it, they just sit there and listen to you waffle. A therapist will dig deeper and help you understand why you’re making the decisions you are. It’s not cheap but it’s something you need to prioritise for the good of your MH and that of your kids. Good luck

Khaki shaker what kind of therapy do you think might help? I'm genuinely clueless about things like this. I really do want to feel better and to fix whatever it is inside me that's so broken. I'm sick of crying every day.

OP posts:
Flowery57 · 15/08/2024 18:13

samanthablues · 12/08/2024 09:35

@StaunchMomma There are plenty of men out there. No need to steal someone else's.

She did not steal anyone’s husband, he put himself in that position, she’s probably not the first nor the last. Looks like his modus operandi is love bombing women, lying to them and making sure the OW is too emotionally invested when she finds out, manipulation at its finest. She should absolutely break up with this tosser but she’s probably trauma bonded to him hence difficult for her. He’s a predator looking for vulnerable women Like the OP.

‘trauma bonded’! I’m sure his wife would love that description. She’s having sex with a married man for goodness sake … don’t try and make it something it isn’t.
The OP should just walk away while she still has a shred of dignity and find a man who is single.

Despair1 · 15/08/2024 18:28

idrinkandiknowthings · 15/08/2024 13:16

Yep, me too. Unlike OP's AP though, mine had nothing but nice words to say about his wife. Nothing about no sex, only staying for the kids etc.

I think he was on the Spectrum to be honest. He never talked about leaving her and I would never have asked him to. I always said that the only person who should be hurt should be me and so it transpired.

I considered myself to be in love with him and still do, five years on from the affair having ended.

OP - the only way to tackle your feelings is, as others have mentioned, to totally end contact. I was still Facebook friends with him and used to check his page repeatedly during the day, just to glean whatever information about how he was doing as I could. Eventually, I unfriended him and deleted his number. I still think about him every day but have moved on sufficiently to a point where I no longer cry.

Delete all contact and concentrate on your mental health. Don't consider trying to date again for now.

Oh, and you're NOT a shitty person. You're human xx

Show quote history

Brilliant, sensible advice from someone who's been there!

Despair1 · 15/08/2024 18:34

johnson39 · 14/08/2024 19:21

Totally agree ! Disgusting find some self respect and a single man of your own instead

Show quote history

Totally disagree. OP is wanting to get out of the relationship and is asking for advice. I commend her. Falling in love with someone else's partner involves emotion which can spiral out of control. OP needs support in getting out.
There has been some brilliant advice on here for the OP; wishing her the strength to put them into action

Freeme31 · 15/08/2024 18:38

Just wow you have to be the most immature selfish woman on here. You want to feel better, Your sick of crying every day. It really is ALL about YOU - maybe trying thinking about someone instead of Yourself (novel idea I'm sure) maybe someone else like his poor wife. Your right you do need therapy !

johnson39 · 15/08/2024 18:44

Freeme31 · 15/08/2024 18:38

Just wow you have to be the most immature selfish woman on here. You want to feel better, Your sick of crying every day. It really is ALL about YOU - maybe trying thinking about someone instead of Yourself (novel idea I'm sure) maybe someone else like his poor wife. Your right you do need therapy !

Again couldn't agree more ! , people on here making excuses for her she's a grown woman who knew he had wife 🙄

guineapigmother · 15/08/2024 18:52

it'll get better, OP. Don't waste energy beating yourself up. One day you'll look back at this and wonder wtf you were thinking. The first step is cutting contact with this guy. Doesn't need to be a drama. You'll feel shit for a while but things will look better soon. Talk to your GP about any feelings you have, you might be eligible for therapy. Quality will vary but it's worth a shot -- I got one really good trainee therapist on the NHS who helped me a lot.