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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm an OW. And it's killing me.

296 replies

Whenwilligrowup · 11/08/2024 14:51

Sorry this is long . And I'm fully prepared to be completely flamed for this . But I dont know where else to turn. About 6 months ago I split from my stbxh who is a covert narcissist who subtly emotionally abused me for years, as well as the marriage being completely sexless. Around the time of the split, I got chatting to a man who told me he was in a similar situation and I believed he was also separating from his wife. This man was charming , funny , paid me no end of attention and just made me feel alive again after years of feeling nothing.

Long story short we started a physical relationship as well as talking every day . After some digging , it turns out nothing has actually happened with regards to him separating with his wife and it turns out they are still very much living together and sleeping in the same bed (surprise surprise). He tells me they don't have sex , they are like brother and sister, that he is deeply unhappy and wants to move out but that neither of them can afford to live in the house alone and that he doesn't want to mess things up for his two young kids .

Now I know logistically this is highly unlikely to be true , and that this man is probably lying through his teeth , however It's like my brain has a stumbling block when it comes to him. The man I see when we are together is so lovely to me and kind, I just can't compute that this is the same person who would lie to and manipulate two women at the same time. I'm ashamed to say I've fallen in love with him. He works away a lot and we've spent days and nights together, he's stayed at my house while my children were away ,and we've been on a trip together all whilst he was supposedly working away . When I look this from an outside perspective, I feel absolutely ashamed of myself and the person I have become- but when we're together everything feels amazing , and I let myself believe what he tells me about his marriage and that he loves me and is planning to be with me , despite knowing deep down it's all a pack of lies. As an aside, I also don't really believe I'm the only person he's 'entertaining' despite what he tells me either.

Since this began , my mental health has completely spiralled , and I feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom. I've always suffered with depression and extremely low self esteem anyway, but now it's worse than ever. I have constant knots of anxiety so much that I wake up feeling sick every morning , I don't feel like eating, I can't concentrate on anything and have lost interest in all the things I used to love . I'm completely detached from my family and friends and just feel numb to everything. I can't even remember the last time I just felt truly content and at peace. I feel like I'm obsessed with this man and always just waiting for him to message me or talk to me. When I do hear from him it's like I get this momentary relief from the depression, but then I quickly crash back down. And if i don't hear from him or he doesn't reply I feel completely miserable and anxious until I do.

I know I need to end this situation. I know what I'm doing is dreadful and that I'm a shitty person. I feel like I'm ruining my life, and that since this began I've been a terrible mum, daughter , sister, and friend . Since I'm just completely consumed by this affair . Not to mention what I'm doing to this man's wife and children . But I just can't seem to walk away . I wish I didn't feel so In love with this man . I even tried going on dating sites and talking to other men but there's just nobody I feel any kind of spark or Interest with. I just don't even know where to turn anymore and feel completely hopeless, sick and anxious about everything.

OP posts:
2AND2GC · 11/08/2024 22:58

YUCK! A lying philandering creep! His poor wife..

Get rid, OP!

Leavingonaneasyyetplane · 11/08/2024 23:50

You said you wanted to be a better person ..so start! Your eyes are wide open...

ForGreyKoala · 11/08/2024 23:53

theduchessofspork · 11/08/2024 15:10

There’s no need to be so aggressive. The PP has said the OP hasn’t done anything wrong AS LONG AS she leaves now. The OP thought the guy was separating when she first met him.

Well maybe she should have waited until she was certain he had separated before she started an affair. Honestly, this is a story as old as time and still women don't learn!

YouOKHun · 12/08/2024 00:06

@Whenwilligrowup the waiting list for counselling via the NHS can be long and not many sessions offered. It might be worth contacting your local branch of MIND as they often offer low cost or free counselling with either volunteer counsellors who are experienced or with student counsellors who are training and/or working towards BACP registration. They often have supportive groups too. Just another possible Avenue because it sounds like you could really benefit from a period of being single while you work out what you deserve and why you’ve ended up with in bad relationships. Only once you stand back will you see the pattern and how it repeats and how to change it. But the current situation has to stop. Being single is miles better than this misery surely?

Frasers · 12/08/2024 02:20

MahMahMahMahCorona · 11/08/2024 22:54

It sounds like he has hoovered you (love bombed), and I would imagine because you're so used to your ex husband doing this (it's a cycle) you've fallen into the trap of thinking this is a normal relationship. It's not. He's a puppet master pulling all the strings. Run, very very far, and very very fast away from him. Get therapy and work on yourself before you start any new relationships. Look up trauma bond. Heal. Take time to learn to love who you are, to learn to love yourself. Good luck.

Good grief, do you spend all your time reading self help books?

Frasers · 12/08/2024 02:25

Whenwilligrowup · 11/08/2024 20:57

I'm still here , only just getting round to reading all this as been out for a walk with my ds. Absolutely grateful for every single response and fully realise that my behaviour is awful , that I've been a shitty person and that I need to stop. I know I am not currently being a good person at all but I do want to be in the future.

if that’s true then end it, not sit hoping he ends his marriage, breaks up his family to be with you.

and you know he isn’t going to do that, it’s just sex, and as you said, you’re likely not the only one. Hardly some catch.

this public self flagellation whilst waiting for the text and hoping he will be with you is transparent.

have some dignity, end it and move on, and stop letting him make you one of his harem.

Apolloneuro · 12/08/2024 03:12

@Whenwilligrowup you thought he was separating when it started, but you now know that’s not true. I think you feel so bad because you feel guilty. Walk away and I think you’ll feel better.

DarcyProudman · 12/08/2024 06:33

I’m intrigued to know why anyone would want to start a relationship with a man who has literally just walked out of a LTR anyway (if he actually had…). It’s madness…

You’d have to be so desperate for a man, that any man will do, surely?

samanthablues · 12/08/2024 09:35

@StaunchMomma There are plenty of men out there. No need to steal someone else's.

She did not steal anyone’s husband, he put himself in that position, she’s probably not the first nor the last. Looks like his modus operandi is love bombing women, lying to them and making sure the OW is too emotionally invested when she finds out, manipulation at its finest. She should absolutely break up with this tosser but she’s probably trauma bonded to him hence difficult for her. He’s a predator looking for vulnerable women Like the OP.

NaivePauline · 12/08/2024 12:10

samanthablues · 12/08/2024 09:35

@StaunchMomma There are plenty of men out there. No need to steal someone else's.

She did not steal anyone’s husband, he put himself in that position, she’s probably not the first nor the last. Looks like his modus operandi is love bombing women, lying to them and making sure the OW is too emotionally invested when she finds out, manipulation at its finest. She should absolutely break up with this tosser but she’s probably trauma bonded to him hence difficult for her. He’s a predator looking for vulnerable women Like the OP.

Oh come on, infantalising women like this does no good at all.

Men will be men and all that, op was in a marriage that was less than ideal for her, she's self diagnosed his covert narcisism, on point for disgarding a partner.

If he were abusive then maybe she was looking for a KISA or maybe just wanted someone who she believed could keep up the attention energy, it always wanes though. She had no break in between males which suggests branch swinging, one relationship replacing another, I would suggest she fancied this man more than her h, it usually boils down to nothing more, add in a bit of new relationship attention and boom, all common sense flies out of the window.

Most ow, when it involves emotions with lots of texting and communication that lead to love are aware of their partners living arrangements, they co conspire to keep the relationship covert, it's how it works with an ow.
This rubbish about I didn't know, how could it possibly happen to me is usually recognised after the realisation they have not been the chosen one, that they meant very little to the man, women who in many cases end previous unions for.

Ouch that hurts.

Op took her chance, she lost, her aim was to win the game and the trophy, she's left with nothing now, who knows, maybe she's younger than him and felt she had a good hand. It was a gamble but she did have far more cards in her deck than this man's wife, she had knowledge whilst his wife had no clue as to the scheming going on behind her back, still doesn't for all we know.

Does op deserve any sympathy ? Don't be silly.

The game is still in play, now is the point where the male really gets to enjoy his game, a still unsuspecting wife and probably fawning children and an ow who is currently at the realisation stage of being utterly used, does she carry on or not is the point she's at now, or throw in the cards. There won't be much on the table if she ends it, there will be no players and she will be very lonely, add to that the withdrawl symptoms.

I doubt op will say anything to his wife, in most cases they don't, they feel humiliated, betrayed, used but men will offset this with but you knew I was married, you are partly to blame, we were having fun, pretending to be a couple and I wanted the girlfriend experience with some feels and you were selfish too, prepared to forgo your own family and dump on your husband, you are as bad as me.

The game is one of the most favourite games of men, but to do it they must find very selfish immature women which to play it with.

Op you've had a game, you've had some attention and it felt great at the expense of a perfectly innocent woman, move on and find someone single next time, it may be hard as many of the guinuinely good ones are spoken for and now you've invited yourself to a different game whereby the players are usually under par and not very trustworthy.
Intenet dating and forever trawling about trying to find out who is truly single.

This type of behaviour generally ends ow chances of finding life partners wherby there is complete trust for truly combined lives.

Stop playing men's games and if you can't then don't be surprised at the results, oh and don't expect any unwarranted sympathy.
Just carry on and stop moaning and maybe give a thought to the women and children you have hurt in the background of your show.

And be thankful, you have gotten away with it, it could be far worse if everyone gets to know, that could affect your credit rating in future games dwindeling your chances of invites.
You are now an unsafe bet, especially to women who don't like ow and to men who know you have played the game and lost.
Men don't like losers.

It's a harsh world.
But you made your choices.

samanthablues · 12/08/2024 12:26

@NaivePauline Men will be men and all that, op was in a marriage that was less than ideal for her, she's self diagnosed his covert narcisism, on point for disgarding a partner.

you are indeed naive Pauline and need to read her story before making such strong statements. This man weaselled his way into the OP's life through lies, once she was emotionally invested in him she found out the deception, she's trying to break off but seems trauma bonded to this predator and having difficulty, she clearly needs some therapy. The "men will be men" and all the justification for male douchebaggery of your post is not very nice, internalised misoginy is doing a number on you.

MellowYellow552 · 12/08/2024 12:40

KISA ???

NaivePauline · 12/08/2024 12:41

samanthablues · 12/08/2024 12:26

@NaivePauline Men will be men and all that, op was in a marriage that was less than ideal for her, she's self diagnosed his covert narcisism, on point for disgarding a partner.

you are indeed naive Pauline and need to read her story before making such strong statements. This man weaselled his way into the OP's life through lies, once she was emotionally invested in him she found out the deception, she's trying to break off but seems trauma bonded to this predator and having difficulty, she clearly needs some therapy. The "men will be men" and all the justification for male douchebaggery of your post is not very nice, internalised misoginy is doing a number on you.

Rubbish, why did he weasle his way into her life, maybe she welcomed him with open arms, maybe she chased him, you don't know that.

She made her choices at every step, each of those choices every day enriched her life, she enjoyed it, she wasn't a victim, she is an adult.
She can get therapy, but she's no victim.

Guilt is a strange thing, I've found those experiencing it tend to feel guilt whilst the bad behaviour is still ongoing, once the bad behaviour stops they become defensive and aggressive but not apologetic.

Then after the anger subsides it is usually then that remorse is seen and an understanding of their behaviour is truly aknowledged.

Where are you at ?

That is where I see the various ow on here, in various stages of guilt and denial all done in the comfort of their own minds because it is not a topic for polite society in the real world.

MellowYellow552 · 12/08/2024 12:43

DarcyProudman · 12/08/2024 06:33

I’m intrigued to know why anyone would want to start a relationship with a man who has literally just walked out of a LTR anyway (if he actually had…). It’s madness…

You’d have to be so desperate for a man, that any man will do, surely?

I met a man and he professed undying love within a fortnight and asked me to marry him after three weeks. I found out that not only was he still technically married, he had split from his previous partner who he lived with only 10 days before he met me.

To be fair, his marriage was long over and the ex-wife had met someone after their split (caused by him cheating as I later discovered) and was waiting for all the paperwork to be over so she could remarry, but it was not a good situation to be in.

He carried on and did it with someone else after me, too.

These men are weasels.

MaidOfAle · 12/08/2024 12:45

@NaivePauline Men will be men and all that

No, they won't, not it they choose not to. It's misogyny to assert that women are somehow responsible for men's decisions to cheat and abuse. The first rule of misogyny, in fact.

The OP has been played because a married man has chosen to play her.

The Rules of Misogyny

#12. Women’s ability to recognize male behavior patterns is misandry

https://4w.pub/the-rules-of-misogyny

Beefcurtains79 · 12/08/2024 12:50

Urgh, the excuses being made on here are unbelievable! Maybe think about how your kids will feel if his wife comes round your house shouting about you sleeping with her husband and the father of her children?
That happened to my friend and they never forgot it. It changed their opinion of their mum for sure.
That’s if you genuinely care about anyone other than yourself, of course.

NaivePauline · 12/08/2024 12:52

@MaidOfAle

Anger and denial
Anger and denial

Different stages.
Where do people take responsibility for their own behaviour.

Stop enfantalising women and demonising men to suit your agenda.

Both parties are at fault.

Lavenderblossoms · 12/08/2024 12:53

You feel so low because your mind is trying to tell you this isn't right. When something feels wrong, it is wrong.

Free yourself from this torment. Only you are keeping you there, nothing else. You had the power to get into this situation and now you hold the power to get out. He's getting everything from you and all you're getting is bread crumbs really. Is what your younger self envisioned? Is this how you wanted life to pan out for you?

Begging for scraps of affection like a stray dog with food? Don't you want the full meal everyday instead of this?

If you can't afford counselling, I would highly recommend watching youtube videos on this. And about self esteem ones and how you can build it up too. I think if you had high esteem, you'd not have entertained him. Also look at surviving infidelity website. I believe there are threads on there for the other person. They may have better advice than here.

When you believe you deserve better then you'll go for better. I truly believe this.

I might get shot for this but I'd also tell his poor woman her husband is a nasty cheat so that she can also have full autonomy of her life.

What you do from here on now is a testament to yourself.

MaidOfAle · 12/08/2024 13:04

NaivePauline · 12/08/2024 12:52

@MaidOfAle

Anger and denial
Anger and denial

Different stages.
Where do people take responsibility for their own behaviour.

Stop enfantalising women and demonising men to suit your agenda.

Both parties are at fault.

OP honestly believed that he was separating. He chose to lie to her. That's on him.

Only one of these people broke marriage vows and it wasn't OP.

Do you make a "bad as each other argument" about rape victims too?

MaidOfAle · 12/08/2024 13:14

@NaivePauline It's misandry and "demonising men" to say "men will be men" as if they are all the same and will all lie to get into a woman's knickers. It's infantilising men, not women, to say "men will be men" like they couldn't possibly do better. And it's misogyny to then blame women for men's decisions to lie and cheat.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 12/08/2024 13:17

since this began I've been a terrible mum, daughter , sister, and friend

Even though you know this ^ you still won’t stop fucking about with this twat?

MissMoneyFairy · 12/08/2024 13:23

Don't beat yourself up, you know it's wrong, it's not doing you any good. You need to get rid of this fuckwit fucking with your emotions. Don't answer his calls, if you do and he suggests meeting up just say no thanks. It will get easier but every time you say no then you'll feel stronger, he won't care and will move on, if he tries to be all nice nicey keep saying no, it's over, there's no point in this "relationship" anymore. You could write him a letter but don't post it, sometimes it's good to write things down. You'll look back soon and wonder wtf was all that about, what a waste of time.

SamW98 · 12/08/2024 13:59

MaidOfAle · 12/08/2024 13:04

OP honestly believed that he was separating. He chose to lie to her. That's on him.

Only one of these people broke marriage vows and it wasn't OP.

Do you make a "bad as each other argument" about rape victims too?

Separating not separated - so yes while he’s a scummy liar and a cheat she willingly got involved with a married man and continues the sordid affair despite knowing there’s no plans to leave his marriage so playing the victim is just a bit disingenuous.

samanthablues · 12/08/2024 14:29

SamW98 · 12/08/2024 13:59

Separating not separated - so yes while he’s a scummy liar and a cheat she willingly got involved with a married man and continues the sordid affair despite knowing there’s no plans to leave his marriage so playing the victim is just a bit disingenuous.

This guy sounds like a narcissist, he lied to her with the oldest line in the book: "I'm separating and we're living together as flatmates while we sell the house", he love bombed her and because narcissists are very charming at the beginning she probably fell to this crap. While I've never been involved with a married guy I have been involved with a narcissist and it was probably the biggest mind fuckery I've experienced in my whole life. This said it's VERY difficult to get out of these relationships (married partner or not) because of said mind fuckery and trauma bonding they create. I'm pretty sure the married man is still gaslighting her to the max with his "me and the wife are flatmates" story while trying to guilt trip her with "how can you leave me at this difficult point in my life when I'm in the middle of breaking up my family?" and similar bollocks. I can understand her confusion and how her brain is a wobble right now hence the reason I believe therapy is her friend at this point. He's going to give her no closure if she breaks up so will need to find it inside her hence the need for professional help.

Justrelax · 12/08/2024 14:36

Much, much, much more to the point, OP, you are prioritising this man above your children. How could you?

They are growing up so fast and you'll never get this time back. This time where you prioritised a man (and not even a good man - one you know is a lying cheat) over them. Where you allowed them to go on living with a half-version of their mum because you chose and chose and chose him.

You're not actually responsible for the wife's happiness or even for his kids. People might have their opinions about how you should feel or act, but when it boils down to it, his marriage and family is his responsibility. And your family is YOURS.

Start being a better mother and put them first now. And I do mean now. You can end it right this very minute. It could be over before you even close this tab, if you choose.