I'm an OW. And it's killing me.

[Whenwilligrowup]

Sorry this is long . And I'm fully prepared to be completely flamed for this . But I dont know where else to turn. About 6 months ago I split from my stbxh who is a covert narcissist who subtly emotionally abused me for years, as well as the marriage being completely sexless. Around the time of the split, I got chatting to a man who told me he was in a similar situation and I believed he was also separating from his wife. This man was charming , funny , paid me no end of attention and just made me feel alive again after years of feeling nothing.

Long story short we started a physical relationship as well as talking every day . After some digging , it turns out nothing has actually happened with regards to him separating with his wife and it turns out they are still very much living together and sleeping in the same bed (surprise surprise). He tells me they don't have sex , they are like brother and sister, that he is deeply unhappy and wants to move out but that neither of them can afford to live in the house alone and that he doesn't want to mess things up for his two young kids .

Now I know logistically this is highly unlikely to be true , and that this man is probably lying through his teeth , however It's like my brain has a stumbling block when it comes to him. The man I see when we are together is so lovely to me and kind, I just can't compute that this is the same person who would lie to and manipulate two women at the same time. I'm ashamed to say I've fallen in love with him. He works away a lot and we've spent days and nights together, he's stayed at my house while my children were away ,and we've been on a trip together all whilst he was supposedly working away . When I look this from an outside perspective, I feel absolutely ashamed of myself and the person I have become- but when we're together everything feels amazing , and I let myself believe what he tells me about his marriage and that he loves me and is planning to be with me , despite knowing deep down it's all a pack of lies. As an aside, I also don't really believe I'm the only person he's 'entertaining' despite what he tells me either.

Since this began , my mental health has completely spiralled , and I feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom. I've always suffered with depression and extremely low self esteem anyway, but now it's worse than ever. I have constant knots of anxiety so much that I wake up feeling sick every morning , I don't feel like eating, I can't concentrate on anything and have lost interest in all the things I used to love . I'm completely detached from my family and friends and just feel numb to everything. I can't even remember the last time I just felt truly content and at peace. I feel like I'm obsessed with this man and always just waiting for him to message me or talk to me. When I do hear from him it's like I get this momentary relief from the depression, but then I quickly crash back down. And if i don't hear from him or he doesn't reply I feel completely miserable and anxious until I do.

I know I need to end this situation. I know what I'm doing is dreadful and that I'm a shitty person. I feel like I'm ruining my life, and that since this began I've been a terrible mum, daughter , sister, and friend . Since I'm just completely consumed by this affair . Not to mention what I'm doing to this man's wife and children . But I just can't seem to walk away . I wish I didn't feel so In love with this man . I even tried going on dating sites and talking to other men but there's just nobody I feel any kind of spark or Interest with. I just don't even know where to turn anymore and feel completely hopeless, sick and anxious about everything.

Seems this thread has finally made her focus on what this is doing to her kids, so there's that.

He's lying to you and his wife, it's not a little lie, it's huge ! Even if he left her could you ever trust him knowing what he is like now, what kind of life would that be for you wondering what he's up to every time you're apart ? You're probably not the first and you won't be the last.
Do yourself a huge favour dump him, take some time to get over it, live with yourself for a while ,sort out what you don't want as well as what you need and then when you're ready look for a relationship with a single man.

Well there's a simple way to stop being the OW and feeling guilty about that. And thats to end the relationship so you are no longer the OW...

... then sort your mental health out rather than making excuses to justify being the OW.

You can't fix your mental health by 'being addicted' to the attentions of a shit bag of a man who will ultimately only ever disappoint and hurt you in the end.

It's very linked, the self respect your previous marriage and clinging on to this waste of your time and effort. You can turn this around, you deserve better. Real honesty and affection. I allowed.myself.to.mess with a guy who was really manipulative, I knew what he was up to but I was so low I let it be my adrenaline hit, rather than doing work.on myself. Then I hit a wall of the pointlessness of it all. Genuinely dated. Then despaired a bit and was single for a while, all whilst working on me. Then there was a genuine connection made on equal footing. But only there when I was very much steering my own ship

You're a grown woman. Who's in charge of your own actions. End it with this bloke. Find someone who'll treat you well.

Exactly this. OP you know the truth now: don’t be complicit in this shitshow and have a moral compass

It’s all the man’s fault.

Absolutely. But that's a separate issue entirely from insisting she's amoral because of what it's doing to the man's wife, which is what much of the judgement seems to be based on. I doubt there's many OW who put a woman they've never met and have likely heard nothing good about, and who isnt their problem, ahead of what they think is best for themselves and the man they believe they love. Or that they can be shamed into doing so by being told off on MN.

You deserve more, OP, than an unavailable man.

I'm not sure you believe that, but you will, one day.

Cut this man off. He's wasting your time and trust me, he's no prize. He's loving having 2 of you at his beck and call.

You really want to continue?

@5128gap how can they contemplate a future with someone who treats the mother of their children so horrifically ? And sorry, but I couldn’t just ignore the fact I was detonating a family unit. 95% of time the mistress taking the wife’s place just creates a vacancy. No respect whatsoever for OW in general terms plural - if you think they’re really that special tell them to come back when they are single and don’t be involved in that.

You split with a very difficult man 6 months ago and almost immediately jumped into a new relationship with another man you quickly found out was married but whom you are unable to let go. You even write and this man, ‘deep down it's all a pack of lies’. You have got into this relationship at a deeply vulnerable point in your life and this man has taken advantage of that as he likely is with half a dozen other women.

However, you are not an innocent bystander or victim here. You know he has a wife and children. You know you are sucking up the lies because it suits you to do so, regardless of the impact on those people who have done nothing wrong. I’m guessing you have jumped from one narc to another. He is not going to run off into the sunset with you. He is stringing you along for sex and attention, and you are basking in it.

Well, quite.

But as you can see a few posts upthread, it's all the man's fault. He's an unmitigated arsehole. But she has agency and autonomy and makes decisions.

Well as you know that he’s married you’re almost as complicit as he is. Reading between the lines you seem to be a good person with good morals so get rid of him. If he wants to dump his poor unsuspecting wife and begin a relationship with you then (while his wife may not be doing a merry dance over it ) it’s still fine as he’d be a free agent. It may have boosted your confidence because a man is willing to risk his marriage for you. However if he’ll cheat on her who he took his vows with be 💯 assured he’ll cheat on you.

Firstly, you arent in love with him, you are addicted to him.

There is a huge difference. You have chronically low self esteem, just got out of an abusive relationship and you see this man who you describe as "kind" (and yet is lying to both you and his wife and probably sleeping with other women so is as far from kind as possible), as the antidote to your problems.

You are addicted to this idea that he is your knight in shining armour and that he is the escape for your troubles. It's no different to someone downing a bottle of wine a night thinking that will ease their underlying pain- thats exactly what you are doing and why you are having such massive withdrawals and obsessing over him. Your brain is being rewarded with dopamine when he contacts you in the exact same way an alcoholic's brain is, every time they take their first drink in the morning.

First step- recognise this for what it is. An addiction, no more, no less. He is just as much a piece of shit as your ex is.

Second step- realise the only way you are going to escape this hell is by going cold turkey. Yes, that feels impossible right now but at least consider this as a viable option. You dont have to live like this- there is another way, and I can guarantee it wont be so fcking miserable as it is now.

Third step- get some psychological help. This is imperative. You need support and to talk to someone professional about this to help you self reflect on why you keep choosing abusive, narcissistic men.

Your way out wont be "easy" but it IS simple. Get away from this man and seek help. Think of yourself like an addict and what would you advise then?

You know you need to end it, so tell him to tell his wife or you will tell her and watch him ditch you - job done you'll not see him for dust!! (your being played sleeping in same bed but nothing happens lol) it's no more than you deserve. Great advert for parenting btw hopefully you don't have daughters with your excellent example of how men should be treating them.

By staying with him, you are allowing yourself to be used and mistreated all over again. Come on, you went through the effort of finding the strength to leave an unhappy marriage to then deal with this shit?! Only this time, there’s a poor wife and his innocent kids involved to boot.

You know what you need to do, so just do it.

The number of women who pursue relationships with married men, or men in relationships, is mind-boggling.

Do none of you know that single men substantially outnumber single women?

Op I could have written this myself 15 years ago when I was in a similar situation with very similar feelings as you've described.
As a Pp said the only way is cold turkey, it won't be easy unfortunately and you will likely give in many times but keep going. Distract yourself as much as you can, fill up your free time, get a new hobby, exercise - whatever. I know it sounds like trying to kick a bad drug habit but that is exactly what it is!! I really think therapy would help you too.
Good luck, you can do this

I don't know. I've never been an OW. However we know that many women do indeed contemplate a future with men they start seeing through an affair, and despite the myths of creating a vacancy, many do go on to make successful second marriages with them. Not everyone who has an affair goes on to do it again and again. Sometimes it's a one off. Sometimes the OW is the last. I guess a lot of OW hope they will fall into this group. A lot will be wrong of course, but usually the married man is showing them the very best of himself (the self his wife fell in love with) courting her, future faking and telling her lies about his wife. People say she's a fool, but the men are often very good liars. After all they manage to fool their wives.

Happened to me too, during my marriage break up, met a guy, turned out married. I struggled to get rid of him and he too stalked me for years. For people who don't understand, yes of course I reported him, and the police took no notice in the 90s. I had a solicitor write to his mother's address threatening an injunction, and the overt stalking stopped but not the covert.

Op I thought he was the love of my life, but it was trauma bonding and I was vulnerable.

I would show up at his and let his wife know. Then accept that you shouldn't be going from abusive man to someone new so quickly. Concentrate on your children

Please don't beat yourself up as he "forgot" to mention the missus.

Nor should you beat yourself up for leaping into the arms of someone who made every effort to woo you and turn your affection starved heart. Women have ricocheted from one bastard to another for centuries. You're not the first and you won't be the last.

But you're here now because you know deep down he's a lying sack of shit. But you can't bear to let go of the affection and attention. You're human.

Re men: take a look at the freedom program and chat to women's aid. Even Samaritans are there for you. Cry down the phone at some kind stranger who will understand.

Striking out alone can be scary but rewarding. Get a dog and you will be worshipped for handing out doggy kibble. Mend bridges with your kids and get to know them again. Get a hobby for you. It will come with a community that can buoy you up until you can get your sea legs.

Have a bit of fun with your faithless lover and turn the screw on him leaving his poor wife. Watch him squirm and enjoy the fact she's stuck with him and you are now out of his reach. Let his lies and equivocations kill stone dead any remnant of affection you may feel for him.

Take good care of yourself 💐

No moral judgement of a woman knowingly shagging a married man with kids Hopi g he’ll leave them for her?
Wow.

@Whenwilligrowup can you afford private therapy? I think you probably need a bit of professional help with this. This relationship is causing you so much angst that it would probably be less painful if you ended it completely and had no further contact. Obviously that’s not going to be easy either, which is why I think you need support to do this. It would mean you taking back control instead of your state of mind being dependent on whether this man is in touch (or not).

Yes but the amount of "datable" men is actually much lower than the amount of "datable" women. There are just so many men who are awful. If you haven't been on dating apps for a while / ever you might not realise this. But the situation for nice, kind women who want a decent relationship is dire.

Obviously this guy is awful too, but the OP didn't know that at first. He seemed like one of the datable ones.