I'm an OW. And it's killing me.

[Whenwilligrowup]

Sorry this is long . And I'm fully prepared to be completely flamed for this . But I dont know where else to turn. About 6 months ago I split from my stbxh who is a covert narcissist who subtly emotionally abused me for years, as well as the marriage being completely sexless. Around the time of the split, I got chatting to a man who told me he was in a similar situation and I believed he was also separating from his wife. This man was charming , funny , paid me no end of attention and just made me feel alive again after years of feeling nothing.

Long story short we started a physical relationship as well as talking every day . After some digging , it turns out nothing has actually happened with regards to him separating with his wife and it turns out they are still very much living together and sleeping in the same bed (surprise surprise). He tells me they don't have sex , they are like brother and sister, that he is deeply unhappy and wants to move out but that neither of them can afford to live in the house alone and that he doesn't want to mess things up for his two young kids .

Now I know logistically this is highly unlikely to be true , and that this man is probably lying through his teeth , however It's like my brain has a stumbling block when it comes to him. The man I see when we are together is so lovely to me and kind, I just can't compute that this is the same person who would lie to and manipulate two women at the same time. I'm ashamed to say I've fallen in love with him. He works away a lot and we've spent days and nights together, he's stayed at my house while my children were away ,and we've been on a trip together all whilst he was supposedly working away . When I look this from an outside perspective, I feel absolutely ashamed of myself and the person I have become- but when we're together everything feels amazing , and I let myself believe what he tells me about his marriage and that he loves me and is planning to be with me , despite knowing deep down it's all a pack of lies. As an aside, I also don't really believe I'm the only person he's 'entertaining' despite what he tells me either.

Since this began , my mental health has completely spiralled , and I feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom. I've always suffered with depression and extremely low self esteem anyway, but now it's worse than ever. I have constant knots of anxiety so much that I wake up feeling sick every morning , I don't feel like eating, I can't concentrate on anything and have lost interest in all the things I used to love . I'm completely detached from my family and friends and just feel numb to everything. I can't even remember the last time I just felt truly content and at peace. I feel like I'm obsessed with this man and always just waiting for him to message me or talk to me. When I do hear from him it's like I get this momentary relief from the depression, but then I quickly crash back down. And if i don't hear from him or he doesn't reply I feel completely miserable and anxious until I do.

I know I need to end this situation. I know what I'm doing is dreadful and that I'm a shitty person. I feel like I'm ruining my life, and that since this began I've been a terrible mum, daughter , sister, and friend . Since I'm just completely consumed by this affair . Not to mention what I'm doing to this man's wife and children . But I just can't seem to walk away . I wish I didn't feel so In love with this man . I even tried going on dating sites and talking to other men but there's just nobody I feel any kind of spark or Interest with. I just don't even know where to turn anymore and feel completely hopeless, sick and anxious about everything.

There should be no moral judgement of you, OP. However, the one thing that occurs to me is "Is this relationship making you happy?". The answer - overall - seems to be "no". Do you really want to keep suffering like this? Please do what is right for you, and your happiness.

Never believe a man who tells you anything like “I’m in a sexless marriage… we don’t share a bed… only together for the kids… she doesn’t understand me… separated but still living together…. She’s crazy….” Blah blah blah. Classic fucking lies and script.

Sorry you’ve had a hard time with your ex. This man has clearly taken advantage of you and obviously has no intention of leaving his wife, he’s just using you.

Even if he did leave her, would you trust each other? Really? Just end it he’s no good for you, it’s clearly negatively affecting your mental health, and it’s not fair on his wife and kids either.

Take some time to be single and work on healing from your abusive ex, and building yourself back up before getting in another relationship.

Why should there be no moral judgement of the OP? She knows what she’s doing and doesn’t seem to really care.

I’ve been in your shoes OP, so I truly understand how frantic you feel. It seems you are in self destruct mode. You know this won’t end well, you know this man will hurt you, you know you are hurting others. The highs will become duller and duller until you spend every day feeling numb and empty.

You can already see him for what he is and you recognize that you are addicted to him. That’s a positive.

You will feel better by taking control. Cut him off. Block him, delete all trace of him. Every hour you spend free of him congratulate yourself. Little, baby steps forward to improve yourself.

He's the arsehole, not you.

But your self-esteem and self-worth just aren't going to get better while you're with him. You will feel like shit every day while you know you're the OW.

You need to get him out of your life fast. Don't look back.

You’re enabling the bastard to have his cake and eat it. He’s a shit.

They are both weapons-grade arseholes.

Haha! I’d literally just posted almost the same thing before reading the other replies!!

It’s so true. My ex told his OW we didn’t share a bed, he was unhappy, but he was trapped for now… we very much still shared a bed etc, he could of left at any time there were no financial ties (other than him being unable to buy endless designer clothing if he was paying for a household by himself) and she was shocked when I told her 🤷‍♀️

This affair is causing you pain. You say it’s affecting your children too. You know what you need to do.

And for every 100 men who give the “me and the wife have no sex, she’s crazy, she’s this that and the other” only 1 is ever telling the truth, and that man leaves within 6 months of the affair starting. It certainly doesn’t sound like the exit affair situation here.

You’re newly out of a marriage and your life is facing upheaval. You’re clinging to this man as some kind of life raft for the 10% of the time he makes you feel good. It’s an addiction. Seeking the elusive high like a gambler or drinker. It’s time you quit this as it’s not just yourself you’re destroying, it’s your children too.

You need to go no contact. Then you need to find ways to distract yourself from wanting to contact him. Take it one day at a time. And book some therapy in. You need to take back control of your life and stop letting everyone else hold the power over you.

I mean, this. Focus on your kids and yourself. I bet you will cry a lot less. You didn't know he was married. But you do now.

Absolutely I feel like the pain/happiness ratio of this situation is about 90/10. Most of the time I feel awful and it's like I've been living for that 10 percent. But I'm starting to realise that rather than true happiness it's an addiction . Even when I hear the message tone from him , I get this instant rush . Not healthy.

This is making you ill. That's very simple. With him in your life, you are ill, mentally unwell and struggling to manage parenting and living. I'm sorry OP, there isn't another way out rather than cut off the source of stress (the up and down of 'him' and this situation) and to get help from the GP and therapy fairly urgently,

Thankyou for this you are so right.

You are lonely and in need of a loving, kind partner. There is nothing wrong in wanting a healthy loving person to share life’s ups and downs. You have suffered emotional abuse and it has left you feeling unworthy and unloved. The new man may well be lonely, feeling desperate and all that….BUT he (for whatever reason) is NOT free to enter a new relationship. Don’t dwell on your previous relationship. It has ended and liberated you, don’t submit to some new mental prison, because that’s what is happening. You will be serving a different type of sentence with this man, but it will be the same prison. What advice would you give a dear friend in a similar situation? Focus on your strengths for the next 6/12 month's, stop giving away your love and affection. People only thrive when the soil in which they plant themselves is watered and fed. This present situation is a set back, it shouldn’t be the rest of your life. Wishing you the best xxx

OP like you I went straight from an abusive relationship into the affair and I flat out refused to believe for a long time that he was an abuser. Eventually I had to look at the facts.

He is a liar and a coward. This is irrefutable. Eventually when you’ve healed you’ll look back and wonder what on earth you saw in him.

Apart from anything else you’re a worse person having been involved with him. That isn’t love.

There should be no moral judgement of you, OP

Why not? She knows he's married at this point. He's not doing this alone.

It sounds like you have a lot of intense feelings but I would not call this "love". You're miserable -- walk away.

Well it was mean and nasty of him to give the impression he was splitting up from his wife. Seems like this is a lie. He is simply not to be trusted. Whether or not you carry on with this is up to you.

I think you were an easy target for this.

You dont seem like you are out to "snag" this man, just met in the normal way and thought he was in the same situation as you. Instead he is just as emotionally manipulative and abusive as your ex.

You havent dealt with what happened with your ex, havent learned how to spot and avoid that type of man in future and guess what? Next man is exactly the same. Its not love, its trauma bonding, you dont know any other way. This feels like love because thats all you;ve known. True love doesnt lead to a breakdown.

I think you need to take a break from him to do the Freedom Program. And read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. You will find a lot of similarities between new man and your ex.

TLDR; you have gone from one Narc to another.

Your self worth should never be tied to or validated by a man.

Once you are a happier more confident person you’ll attract someone who will treat you well in all the ways you want, instead of attracting arseholes who will latch onto your need for a slither of affection and treat you like shit.

End it with him and block his number. You are miserable with him and he’s married so a liar and a cheat.

Focus on yourself and DCs and enjoy the single life!

The number of perfect people posting on NN never ceases to amaze me. I’m sure you have let people down in your own life in one way or another. We all have.

Of course the OP needs to leave him pronto. Giving that she’s posting and taking it I have faith that she will - this is not an affair that’s gone on for years.

Your very angry posts however aren’t justified or constructive. If you are angry that is for you to sort out, not to take it out on random strangers.

What you've done, by getting involved with this man while you're still in a horrible situation, is run away from yourself once again.

You need to break both off, realise that any attempt to find happiness and completion in others will not work at the moment; and face yourself and your pain and history in therapy.

Oh, and no judgement here either. You're in enough anguish as it is, and it's time to free yourself from that. It will have started in many forms quite some time ago, I imagine.

@Whenwilligrowup

Get out, get free. Get some counselling, can you do the freedom programme from Women's Aid?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/]]]]

I am sorry you are going through this.

he is married, you are not, you went into it with good faith. Now you know the truth, prioritize yourself and your kids.