I'm an OW. And it's killing me.

[Whenwilligrowup]

Sorry this is long . And I'm fully prepared to be completely flamed for this . But I dont know where else to turn. About 6 months ago I split from my stbxh who is a covert narcissist who subtly emotionally abused me for years, as well as the marriage being completely sexless. Around the time of the split, I got chatting to a man who told me he was in a similar situation and I believed he was also separating from his wife. This man was charming , funny , paid me no end of attention and just made me feel alive again after years of feeling nothing.

Long story short we started a physical relationship as well as talking every day . After some digging , it turns out nothing has actually happened with regards to him separating with his wife and it turns out they are still very much living together and sleeping in the same bed (surprise surprise). He tells me they don't have sex , they are like brother and sister, that he is deeply unhappy and wants to move out but that neither of them can afford to live in the house alone and that he doesn't want to mess things up for his two young kids .

Now I know logistically this is highly unlikely to be true , and that this man is probably lying through his teeth , however It's like my brain has a stumbling block when it comes to him. The man I see when we are together is so lovely to me and kind, I just can't compute that this is the same person who would lie to and manipulate two women at the same time. I'm ashamed to say I've fallen in love with him. He works away a lot and we've spent days and nights together, he's stayed at my house while my children were away ,and we've been on a trip together all whilst he was supposedly working away . When I look this from an outside perspective, I feel absolutely ashamed of myself and the person I have become- but when we're together everything feels amazing , and I let myself believe what he tells me about his marriage and that he loves me and is planning to be with me , despite knowing deep down it's all a pack of lies. As an aside, I also don't really believe I'm the only person he's 'entertaining' despite what he tells me either.

Since this began , my mental health has completely spiralled , and I feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom. I've always suffered with depression and extremely low self esteem anyway, but now it's worse than ever. I have constant knots of anxiety so much that I wake up feeling sick every morning , I don't feel like eating, I can't concentrate on anything and have lost interest in all the things I used to love . I'm completely detached from my family and friends and just feel numb to everything. I can't even remember the last time I just felt truly content and at peace. I feel like I'm obsessed with this man and always just waiting for him to message me or talk to me. When I do hear from him it's like I get this momentary relief from the depression, but then I quickly crash back down. And if i don't hear from him or he doesn't reply I feel completely miserable and anxious until I do.

I know I need to end this situation. I know what I'm doing is dreadful and that I'm a shitty person. I feel like I'm ruining my life, and that since this began I've been a terrible mum, daughter , sister, and friend . Since I'm just completely consumed by this affair . Not to mention what I'm doing to this man's wife and children . But I just can't seem to walk away . I wish I didn't feel so In love with this man . I even tried going on dating sites and talking to other men but there's just nobody I feel any kind of spark or Interest with. I just don't even know where to turn anymore and feel completely hopeless, sick and anxious about everything.

You deserve so much more from life than this. You are punishing yourself for being a bad person by repeatedly being this bad person, so you punish yourself again. As if this is all you are worth.

Step away. Be single. Be a committed parent. Get help to become healthy. Get support to get your divorce settled and move on. When/if you want a relationship in the future set your bar high and don't settle for less.

Never ask MN about involvement with someone married - everyone who does gets massively bullied and it's quite odd as I don't see it as that much of a traditional - values site otherwise. Think it's just a go to for the keyboard warriors.

Obviously this guy is awful too, but the OP didn't know that at first. He seemed like one of the datable ones.

At first. That excuse has long since expired. She has known for a very long while the reality of the situation.

You could try asking him where you are both going to live, and how soon? That should scare him off.

The ‘nice’ narcissists are the worst because it really messes with your head.

my MM was, for all intents and purposes, a people pleaser. Considerate. Kind, thoughtful. Funny. Sweet.

but he was also inauthentic. Selfish. Cowardly. A liar. Prone to victim mentality (he actually said when I confronted him about the stalking me online that the whole thing was so traumatic for him he didn’t know how he pulled through).

Not all cheaters are narcissists but ALL of them have qualities that you would not want in a partner.

you’ve made the first step OP. It’s bloody hard but if this is the impetus you need to properly heal, he has given you a gift. His poor wife is stuck with him, oblivious. I would tell her and end it.

You deserve so much better, OP. Please try to value yourself more. Take that first step and cut all contact. It'll be awful at first, but you will get through it. And you'll come out of it with much more confidence & self respect.

I'm ashamed to say I've fallen in love with him. No you haven't. You have fallen in love with who you thought he was. He's not that man.

covert narcissist who subtly emotionally abused me for years,

I mean, it sounds like you’ve jumped from one of these to another to be honest. He’s not gonna leave his wife for you and even if he did, why would you want a cheater?? Genuinely why on earth is he attractive to you?

Can say with 100% certainty you are worth better than this.

No judgement her just don't invest too much self esteem in people that are capable stringing others along like this, its overwhelmingly likely you will lose him how you found him no matter what he tells you.

No idea why so many people excuse this kind of behaviour as "you were single, he's the cheat".

I find single people generally don't describe the start of a new relationship as "Around the time of the split, I got chatting to a man who told me he was in a similar situation and I believed he was also separating from his wife."

The reality is, the OP hadn't separated from her partner when this affair started. Two people, both lining up someone else before they leave a current relationship, except the Other Man didn't leave.

Stop looking online for the next man to line up, learn to be by yourself and learn why you make such bad decisions, and learn how you can avoid doing it again. Focus on your children, and actually getting divorced.

In the kindest way OP, it’s not killing you as you’re continuing to do it.

Cut this cockwomble out of your life. I have a lot of sympathy for you but it only goes so far. You’re vulnerable, but you also know this is so wrong and will go nowhere. If he even left her for you, you KNOW he’d do the same TO you, right? He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love his wife. He loves himself.

Dont be a bad guy in anyone’s marriage. Always have a narrative you’d be happy to have in writing. For you and for your kids.

The years you've spent with a narcissist have stoked a lot of your depression. Narcissistic abuse goes far and deep, it takes a good therapist and support to undo the damage. Depression and anxiety are relieved momentarily by this man's responses, because he feels like a lifeline when you feel like you are 'drowning'. And nobody should make you feel worse when you've already lived through a crap time with a bad partner, and you feel guilty enough already about this relationship and how it will affect his wife and family. You aren't a shitty person or a shitty parent: a truly shitty person would not care about anyone else and continue the relationship as long as it suited them. Given the description of your depression, I strongly advise you not to read or take to heart anything negative that people say to you on this thread or elsewhere. Negativity, criticism and abusive treatment is how you got depressed in the first place and you don't need any more of that shit.

It is possible you feel that you fell in love with the other man because for so many years you were badly treated by your husband, and this new man behaved so differently. BUT he lied to you, he continued the relationship under false pretences, long enough for you to get emotionally involved, and that is wrong of him. That is not your fault. But I think you are focussing on this man to undo the wrongs done to you by your ex, and what will happen if you pursue a relationship with him, will the guilt evaporate? Will you be able to trust him? The sh*t will truly hit the fan if you decide to stay with him and divorces and dramas are in the mix. You need to think of your own life, and of your own children. Please see your GP for treatment and therapy asap.

You don't love this man, you don't even know him, he tells you what he knows you want to hear for him to get what he wants. You ve just gotten yourself and your children out of an abusive relationship, I intend this in the kindest way possible, you are not in any fit state mentally or emotionally to be in any kind of relationship much less actively seeking one, and certainly not one that is draining you the one this one is. If you can't see that YOU deserve much better than this mess (as does his wife, but if it weren't you it would be someone else because to him you aren't special just convienient so that's irrelevant), please see that your children deserve a mum who is content and fully engaged with them.
You need to speak to a professional to support you through this stage and rebuild your confidence and belief in yourself and your worth. For your children if you can't do it for yourself right now, block and delete him on everything now

100% this. Using language like ‘it’s killing me’ is dressing herself as a victim when the innocents on this are this sleazy blokes we’d and children

I understand you had a shit marriage OP but you barely left one bed before jumping into another without pausing for breath.

End it with this lying cheat, put your kids first and work on your self esteem and boundaries so you’re not a winning target for these creeps. Being single for more than 5 minutes is actually a positive thing and actually helps you work on yourself. You are nowhere close to the right headspace for another relationship and until you’ve done the work stay away from men otherwise you’ll end up maki g one bad decision after another.

He gives her attention.

Just leave while you still have some dignity left and before he ends it to move on with his next OW.

This. Sorry OP. The faster you get some therapy the better your life will be.

And meanwhile, you know the rules. Just block him and focus on building a good life for yourself.

Sorry OP but I'm judging you as much as him.
His wife is the victim here, not you.
Just stop it.

I could’ve written this myself a few years back. His name doesn’t begin with D does it 😭

Good luck, OP, it’s hard but you need to go nc. Let us know how you get on, if you can.

Sorry this is long . And I'm fully prepared to be completely flamed for this . But I dont know where else to turn. About 6 months ago I split from my stbxh who is a covert narcissist who subtly emotionally abused me for years, as well as the marriage being completely sexless. Around the time of the split, I got chatting to a man who told me he was in a similar situation and I believed he was also separating from his wife. This man was charming , funny , paid me no end of attention and just made me feel alive again after years of feeling nothing.

What i think you meant to say is that while you were still married, you went looking online for some sexual attention and you ended up having an affair.

Long story short we started a physical relationship as well as talking every day . After some digging , it turns out nothing has actually happened with regards to him separating with his wife and it turns out they are still very much living together and sleeping in the same bed (surprise surprise). He tells me they don't have sex , they are like brother and sister, that he is deeply unhappy and wants to move out but that neither of them can afford to live in the house alone and that he doesn't want to mess things up for his two young kids. Now I know logistically this is highly unlikely to be true , and that this man is probably lying through his teeth

What makes you think it's untrue? After all, you were in a sexless marriage, your ex husband was in a sexless marriage, yet you find it hard to believe that this man might be? It's more common than people realise. I know women on MN refuse to believe that some of men might be telling the truth about no longer having sex with their wives, but logically some of them must be. After all, every woman that comes onto MN and admits to having an affair always tries to justify it by telling us how her self esteem has been shot to pieces after living in a loveless, sexless marriage. Why do you think it would be any different for a man?

As for finding out that he has no intention of leaving his wife at the moment, well if you will 'start chatting' to married men and sleeping with them in the knowledge that they are still married, there is always going to be that risk, isn't there?

If it's not making you feel good, then end it.

Obviously you're obsessed because if you weren't you'd need to face the reality of being a single woman and you're too scared.

Of course everyone is telling you to end it, but you knew that. You have two options. One is to end it, be the better person, walk away, have some decorum and decency. Or two, just get real and own it. He’ll never leave his wife, you’re just a bit on the side. Use him for sex, weekends away, presents whatever, but you need to toughen up, none of this woe is me shit. You’re shagging a married man, it’s not going to end well. Imagine what the worst case scenario is for you? His wife turning up, banging on the door, calling you a slag in front of your children and neighbours. Emailing your work?

This is so sad OP.

Yes you’ve got low self esteem.

Youve gone from one bad relationship to another.

You’re also treating your kids badly from the sounds of things.

You say you’ve fallen in love. But this isn’t love.

Hes having his cake and eating it.

Youre going to split up a young family if you carry on. Now wonder you feel depressed.

Youve deliberately carried on seeing someone who you know is lying and is not leaving nor will.

There literally millions of men in the U.K. but you’ve chosen someone unavailable and who is a cheater. Is that a good premise for a stable long term relationship.

Youve got kids. For fucks sake grow up and take some responsibility would you?

Why do your kids get a depressed mum because she can’t think enough of herself to bond either a) with no one or b) with someone whose actions and words show his love (not shitty soothsayer cheating actions and words).

You have low self esteem and poo boundaries. Get some therapy. Listen to some self love podcasts. This is not about having a bloody bath with some candles and a manicure.

Self love is learning how not to hate yourself so much. Stop self sabotaging in “the name of love”. This is not love.

love is honesty, truth, respect, admiration, loyalty, kindness. I could go on. I had to learn it in therapy too.

Please find someone to teach you what love really is and how to respect and honour yourself. You deserve so much more than this.

OP, I won't flame you.

You're in love with somebody you thought you knew. That was an illusion, he has lied to and mislead you. You feel sad at the loss of what you thought you had found but the reality of what you have is something very different.

End it. For your sake, nobody else's. Repair and recover away from this twat.