I'm an OW. And it's killing me.

[Whenwilligrowup]

Sorry this is long . And I'm fully prepared to be completely flamed for this . But I dont know where else to turn. About 6 months ago I split from my stbxh who is a covert narcissist who subtly emotionally abused me for years, as well as the marriage being completely sexless. Around the time of the split, I got chatting to a man who told me he was in a similar situation and I believed he was also separating from his wife. This man was charming , funny , paid me no end of attention and just made me feel alive again after years of feeling nothing.

Long story short we started a physical relationship as well as talking every day . After some digging , it turns out nothing has actually happened with regards to him separating with his wife and it turns out they are still very much living together and sleeping in the same bed (surprise surprise). He tells me they don't have sex , they are like brother and sister, that he is deeply unhappy and wants to move out but that neither of them can afford to live in the house alone and that he doesn't want to mess things up for his two young kids .

Now I know logistically this is highly unlikely to be true , and that this man is probably lying through his teeth , however It's like my brain has a stumbling block when it comes to him. The man I see when we are together is so lovely to me and kind, I just can't compute that this is the same person who would lie to and manipulate two women at the same time. I'm ashamed to say I've fallen in love with him. He works away a lot and we've spent days and nights together, he's stayed at my house while my children were away ,and we've been on a trip together all whilst he was supposedly working away . When I look this from an outside perspective, I feel absolutely ashamed of myself and the person I have become- but when we're together everything feels amazing , and I let myself believe what he tells me about his marriage and that he loves me and is planning to be with me , despite knowing deep down it's all a pack of lies. As an aside, I also don't really believe I'm the only person he's 'entertaining' despite what he tells me either.

Since this began , my mental health has completely spiralled , and I feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom. I've always suffered with depression and extremely low self esteem anyway, but now it's worse than ever. I have constant knots of anxiety so much that I wake up feeling sick every morning , I don't feel like eating, I can't concentrate on anything and have lost interest in all the things I used to love . I'm completely detached from my family and friends and just feel numb to everything. I can't even remember the last time I just felt truly content and at peace. I feel like I'm obsessed with this man and always just waiting for him to message me or talk to me. When I do hear from him it's like I get this momentary relief from the depression, but then I quickly crash back down. And if i don't hear from him or he doesn't reply I feel completely miserable and anxious until I do.

I know I need to end this situation. I know what I'm doing is dreadful and that I'm a shitty person. I feel like I'm ruining my life, and that since this began I've been a terrible mum, daughter , sister, and friend . Since I'm just completely consumed by this affair . Not to mention what I'm doing to this man's wife and children . But I just can't seem to walk away . I wish I didn't feel so In love with this man . I even tried going on dating sites and talking to other men but there's just nobody I feel any kind of spark or Interest with. I just don't even know where to turn anymore and feel completely hopeless, sick and anxious about everything.

He's a liar and a cheat, if he left his wife for you, you'd be unable to trust him. If he can do it to one person, he can do it to another. You need to pull yourself together and block him. To him, you are just a replaceable bit on the side.

Most importantly you have 2 children and this poor excuse of a man is consuming your mind. Once you have cut ties you will feel lighter....he's shown you what kind of person he is, stop wasting your precious time on it!

So, you have gone from one abusive relationship into an exploitative relationship.

OP, stay single for a while, focus on yourself and the kids. Do the Freedom programme/therapy so you are not mugged off again.

As an aside, I know someone who was in a similar situation to yourself - an OW. The Wife found out. As part of her revenge, she contacted the family, friends, and workplace of the OW. Even her kids and 90 year old grandparents found out. Small town and everyone knows. So not only did she 'loose' the shit bag, she also lost her last remaining shred of confidence and self worth.

This is a tale as old as time OP.

And whether anyone on an anonymous internet forum judges you for it, matters not a jot.

What matters is that in your own words, you've become a shitty parent and your DC doesn't deserve that.

One day this bloke will be a distant memory, but your DC won't, so don't fuck up your relationship with them.

It's the only one that truly matters.

For goodness sake OP - you now know that this man is still married to a woman he shares a bed with and your still continuing with your affair! I appreciate that you didn't know he was still with his wife and his children when you started the affair, but now that you are aware of this and haven't ended the relationship immediately, I'm afraid it makes you every bit as bad as he is.

Your first priority should be to your children who you brought into this world, but from your posts, it sounds as though you are far more concerned with relationships with other men. There is nothing wrong with not being in a relationship and focusing on your children, who were presumably unsettled by the break up of your marriage.

Because it achieves nothing for anyone. People don't stop doing things because they're shamed by other people. Especially self sabotaging things like continuing to be in half a relationship with a low life cheat. They stop when they realise their best interests lie in stopping. Because they deserve more or would be happier without it. The OP didn't need to come on here to learn that many MNetters think OW are the lowest of the low. She knows this. She came for support to stop having the affair. The more you lay into her the more chance she'll just leave the thread and carry on. So what, other than venting moral outrage has been achieved?

When you're at rock bottom as you were as you were splitting up with your husband, if someone comes along and shines a light on you, then it's easy to be caught in the glare and blinded.

That's what has happened to you.

He most likely preyed on you knowing that you were a wilted flower in need of water and sunlight.

He obtained your love by devotion.

Take a deep breath and appreciate that you enjoyed and needed the attention whilst you split up with your husband but you no longer need him as an ego boost as the sad reality is that he's used you for his own pleasure and has no plans to leave his wife for you.

There's your answer. Do it for your kids. Stop being a shitty mum as youve said in your own words. Theyve been to hell and back with your stbxh and your going to put them through this now as well. How could you do that as a mother to your own leta lone the fact that your not thinking about his 2 kids. Do his wife a favour and tell her too whilst your at it.

OP, just think of all the disadvantages, and also value yourself. You are worth far more than this, and it sounds as if this guy has swooped when you are feeling fragile. You say you suspect you are not the only one, so you are aware deep down that this can not end well.

I did similar at the end of my marriage. The man gave me back my self esteem and cared in a way XH didn't. I knew he was married and I'd often chide him in bed that he was being a bastard to his wife.

A- that's on him, not you
B-post end of relationship, he made me feel alive again. I loved chatting with him and the ping of his message made my heart leap.
C-you need to recognise that you need to love you again. You know things aren't going great for you and yours right now. Only you have the power to change this.

I suggest you say goodbye. Tell him why. Then block him. Do not contact him. He's not worth you losing your sense of self, or your children's relationship.

I know just how hard it is, but keep taking each day as it comes. Get a friend onside who you can spill to when you feel you need to contact him. Or join the thread on here.

Best of luck.

Forgive me but what's an OW??

Stop with the excuses and protestations of love. You aren't in love with him, that 'him' is a fantasy. Your 'him' is a liar, married and a cheat.
You also need to be alone until you've learned some boundaries.

Other Woman I.e. the mistress.

Thankyou so much to everyone who's responded to this thread. Your words have helped me to realise what I already knew deep down, sometimes it's hard to see things for what they are when your 'in it' . I absolutely know I need to seek therapy. I've had issues with depression and low self esteem since my adolescence (severe bullying etc) and I think this is the root of a lot of the bad choices I've made. I'm hoping I can get some kind of counselling on the NHS as I'm in a dire position financially with my divorce etc .
I also absolutely know that the only way I'll get over this man and start to feel better is by going no contact. I have to do it for my kids as much as myself, they deserve better than the parent I've been .

"Take a deep breath and appreciate that you enjoyed and needed the attention whilst you split up with your husband"

This. He was what you wanted, at the time of wanting it, but the scales have fallen from your eyes now, you are aware he is not a genuine person. Good luck OP

Your self esteem is so crippled that you can only feel a "spark" with men who are complete scum bags because that's all you feel you deserve subconsciously.
The answer isn't more men like this it's a really good therapist who can show you how to overcome your mental health problems.

You've just ended a long, unhappy marriage and separated yourself from all the complications of that - legal, financial, practical, social. That's a huge accomplishment! Can you draw on that experience - how it felt, what you did, what worked and didn't - to remind and convince yourself that you ARE smart enough to recognize an untenable situation that's hurting you, and you ARE strong enough to get yourself fully out of it and survive and get on with your life?

I agree with previous posters that an absolute clean break is the way to do this. You don't owe the new man an explanation, but I'd consider telling him that you've decided you're not ready to be in any kind of relationship and are still working through things from the breakup of your marriage (which of course is absolutely true). Tell him if he cares for you he'll respect your wishes and not contact you - and if he does, he should know you won't respond. And do whatever you can to make the firm break "real" and final for you - lose his number, block him, etc.

And therapy really is a good idea, if it's possible for you - both to help you deal with the emotional fallout from your original relationship AND to help you develop practical ways to deal with loneliness, boredom, doubts about the future, etc. and to replace that rush you get when you talk to/think about this dude with some more healthy stimuli. You CAN do this!

No judgement from me. Sounds like you are in bad place emotionally and he saw you coming. Please be kind to yourself, go no contact with him, do the freedom programme, seek any counselling you can, stay single for a while (minimum a year) and concentrate on building yourself up and time with your lovely children.

Supposing her leaves his wife tomorrow, would you really want to be with someone that could do this to his wife and kids? You could never really trust him. It would be a horrible way to live, always wondering who he was with when he went away for work.
You deserve better.

But I just can't seem to walk away

Come the fuck on. Of course you can. Stop being your own worst enemy and think of your kids.

I disagree, she is doing something wrong and she knows it, that's why she feels like crap. OP: Let this man destroy his marriage on his own, choose not to be a part of this. If he loved you so much he will leave but we both know he ain't leaving because he's a cunt who is happy to cheat on his wife. Shame on you both.

You know what you need to do, you just don't want to do it.

But for the sake of your mental health, you must.

If he loved you and wanted to be with you properly, he’d leave his wife. His reasons not to are just excuses because he wants to have his cake and eat it. The sooner you realise this the easier it will be for you to walk away

Flash news: you've gone from one narcissist to another, congrats on that one, consider yourself lucky to not be the wife as he would be cheating on you. If you can't stay away from this shyte sandwich that you've been served therapy is your friend, it will also give you the tools to not end up in relationships with narcissists.

No judging for the relationship but it's causing you pain so get out. He's not the only man. You can have all you think you have with him with someone who is free, not lying to you and doesn't make you feel mentally unwell.

As an aside, when his wife finds out she more than likely will feel worse than you do now. His wife could be someone giving you advice here.