Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

Please stop trying to seek their approval when they have no respect for you, it’s a road to nowhere.

Live your own life well.

You’re texting too much!

Hi OP I realise its not easy but please have a good think why are you seeking to contact them so often?

Not responding to you is designed to wind to up, and it's working. "JustLaura thinks we're too needy! We wouldn't want to reply to her messages and be seen as demanding! Poor us!" I know you don't want to drop the rope entirely, but try hanging it up and distracting yourself.

Going NC I had to accept that there will be people walking this earth who thinks I'm awful. How could I do that to my own mother? She misses her grandchildren so much! I say fuck them.

It's a sad truth that our parents get old and they die. There are lots of people out there who believe that that is a time to forgive, and make amends and be together. I say fuck them too. Asserting your boundaries can mean sitting with uncomfortable feelings because you are going against a societal standard and belief that all old people are sweet and nice. I used to think that myself, to my shame.

You're getting there, JustLaura!

I agree with others, when you heard nothing you shouldn’t have text them multiple times. In some ways you are giving them what they are craving - attention. It will give the message that YOU can’t cope without them.
You are also giving them ammunition so they can show people YOU are the one that hounds them! They won’t show people how they hound you.

They know you're pulling away, they're not sure what's going on, so they haven't decided how they're going to play it yet. You can bet your house that when they do decide it'll be drama drama drama. Possibly a need to phone an ambulance, who miraculously find nothing wrong, or some such nonsense.

They want you to get drawn back in, so they're ignoring you to make you feel guilty and worried. It's working. Stop it. If they don't phone you and don't text you, take it as a win (it is what you want, after all!) and go and do something you want to do.

Frankly I think you need to block the lot of them and never look back but I can see you're not willing to do that, which is entirely up to you. But don't go trying to make them behave as they always have, when what they're doing to punish you is what you actually want them to do! Enjoy the peace and quiet!

You’re being punished now. Great. Run with it. Return the favour and stop chasing them

How are you getting on @JustLaura ? Was thinking of this thread and saw you hadn't updated. No need to if you don't want to, obviously, but I hope you're ok.

Hi @Headingtowardsdivorce

Not sure where to start really!

I've minimised the phonecalls at work.

The texts are either thick and fast or none whatsoever.
I've stopped making the first contact.

After a period of no contact I then get either Mum or Dad saying they've felt ill/dizzy and no-one would know if they are ill.

They are both declining in mobility and the more I am reading on forums, the more I think this is just the way some people go as they get older. Then I listen to friends and I think the opposite.

Online food shopping is working well but Mum and Dad don't like it and I've already had "Don't bother about doing an online order, I'll just scrape the mould off the bread I have.."

Then on the flip side, I get phone calls saying x, y or z is needed next week and I need to remember. Told them to write it on a shopping list!

At times I think I'm being punished by the no contact then I feel like I'm being emotionally blackmailed.

I'm purposely visiting far less too but my Brother hasn't stepped up and visited at all.
When I said this to my parents, they gave 1001 excuses for him and said "we don't expect him to visit or help"... "He has his own jobs to do" .... "He works very hard he needs a rest".... "we're so worried about him as he's so busy"....

At times I think I'm being punished by the no contact then I feel like I'm being emotionally blackmailed.

You’re being both. Recognise this. Do your best to not react.

Look up narcissistic abuse. Its easy for is to say “learn to be the bad daughter” but it takes a lot to break free of narcissistic abuse. You are some mixture of scapegoat and utility child. This is horrible for you and destructive to your little family. If you can’t cut your parents of at least limit your exposure for their sake.

When I said this to my parents, they gave 1001 excuses for him and said "we don't expect him to visit or help"... "He has his own jobs to do" .... "He works very hard he needs a rest".... "we're so worried about him as he's so busy"....

You really need to speak up for yourself here. Whatever they say about him, say ‘yes, that applies to me, too, mum. I have my own jobs to do, I work very hard too , mum, why do you expect me to visit and help but not him? Don’t let them forget it.

Who is doing the online shop? If it’s you-I wouldn’t discuss anything about foods they need next week-just reply-‘put it on your list then, to any comment made about stuff they need.

I've been in a very similar situation, just read a book called Access Denied by Tina Ross, she covers the toxic family in her book as well as partners.

It sounds like you've made good progress @JustLaura , just keep strong, the new regime will become their new normal soon enough. Ignore remarks like scrapping off the mould, or just laugh at their obvious efforts to make you feel bad!

You need to start talking about emigrating to Australia or New Zealand @JustLaura… Time to drop some pamphlets.

Thanks @howshouldibehave

I used to do that all the time but I'm blanked/met with silence so I gave up as it's a continual drain on me at times.

I do the online shop. I'm just at a loss as to whether this is all purposeful or if there's a mental decline happening. For years when they have accidentally on purpose forgotten something I've asked them to do, they've always said their mind is deteriorating .... never believed it before.

Constantly stuck in between my head and my heart.

I wish! @Fraaahnces 😁

I used to do that all the time but I'm blanked/met with silence so I gave up

I actually think it’s important not to give up-keep challenging their false narrative. Drip drip drip…!

They have two separate minds yet talk as if it’s one and ‘it’s’ deteriorating.

It sounds like you're making progress, from how things were a few weeks ago.

I would also ignore their laments about DB being so busy. Yawn.

@EatCrow They are each others 'constant'. They can't leave the bungalow unaccompanied due to mobility.

Thanks @Frontroomroomjungle

My friend says she can't understand why I'm so shocked sometimes as their opinion of me has always been the same and always will.

I just don't get it that my Brother is on a pedestal for doing absolutely nothing for them. Yet he thinks I should be doing more more more.

I really feel I'm in a vicious circle.

I feel cra if I do visit and even more cra if I don't visit. Does that make sense?

I feel like a fool when I do chores for them knowing it's being said I haven't done a good job of whatever at a later point.

I can't think of 1 example where I've ever been praised or complimented during adulthood or childhood.

Even on our wedding day which was years ago, my Dad did a speech and said he welcomed my Husband into our family but he knows his family will never say that about me!

All these things flood into my mind and I have to admit that even things from 10, 20, 30 years ago bother me still. Then I come back to feeling like a fool.

I can't go NC though!!!!

@JustLaura I understand that, I was talking about their alleged mental decline (as in accidentally/on purpose forgetting things).

I really feel I'm in a vicious circle.

And will continue to be if you keep doing what you are doing. You are still trying to prove you are worthy/get to the point where they accept you - hence multiple texting for example. Why are you shocked by what they do? Because you are clinging on to the hope they will change.

There is an idea from addiction support for families of addicts which is helpful here - you did not cause this problem, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. I get if you change what you do for them you will have to deal with guilt. That will get better over time as you practice more. Better to feel guilty than continue this cycle. Stop trying to solve their problems. Its not your job to do so.

If it's wearing you down to keep repeating, 'So am I,' when they go on about your brother can you change your tactics and just laugh. Every single time.

Everytime they say, 'Oh, he doesn't have tiime to do things for us,' laugh merrily. If they ask what is funny you can say, 'The comments you come out with,' and laugh again. Then busy off and do something else...

Faking laughter does actually cheer you up slightly - and will possibly help you to realise that rather than feeling hurt or frustrated you could just laugh at how ridiculous they are and the stupid things they come out with.