Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

Thanks for this @Hatty65

I will give it a go!

The humour is good!

When you’ve asked why Bob working full time means he’s busy and needs his rest, but you working full time doesn’t, what do they answer?

@JustLaura I come from a family where I am not the golden child. I've given up correcting them!

My DB was (is) also the golden child. It's a horrible dynamic to inflict on your children, where they are constantly shown what they could've won. I have a much more nuanced view of it as an adult, but it still hurts.

@howshouldibehave they would reply "He has an important job" or "he has other things to do after work". I used to reply "So do I" but they just pretend not to have heard me or talk over me to each other (we have exactly the same family make up as each other so we are on par with each other).

@Hatty65 how do you handle it? Are you limited contact or just take it?

How bizarre! (Unless he is the Prime Minister 😂)

😁 just an office job!

Do they they believe he looks super ‘important’ in his suit?! 😁

No but he does..... Urgh.

@JustLaura

I'm purposely visiting far less too but my Brother hasn't stepped up and visited at all.
When I said this to my parents, they gave 1001 excuses for him and said "we don't expect him to visit or help"... "He has his own jobs to do" .... "He works very hard he needs a rest".... "we're so worried about him as he's so busy"....

You should say 'awww. It IS so sad you are so low on his priority list'.

When they argue just nod sagely and go 'uh huh .... so sad' (big sigh)...it's ok. I understand...' (sympathetic smile)

@JustLaura I limit my contact with them. They are 85 and 87 and live about 10 mins from me. They never phone or visit (and have never really done so).

I call to see them and make polite conversation roughly once a fortnight. And try and keep it neutral - the weather, their garden, how are they keeping? etc. They can be very critical and do say things like, 'We've not seen you for a while' whilst my DM makes comments like, 'That dress doesn't suit you. You look dreadful'.

I have pulled her up in the past and said, 'You've just said you've not seen me for a while - but every time I come you are so critical of me that I go away feeling shit about myself. So I don't come very often. Is it necessary to KEEP telling me I've put weight on, for eg? I'm aware of it. I don't need it repeating every time I come'. She was taken aback and said, 'I don't'. But she does. And so now every time she's critical I just say, 'Right well, I'll be off then' and I just leave.

When they want stuff done, I just say, 'I'm sure you'll find someone,' and change the subject. For eg, they currently want their living room decorated and asked me if I could do it. No. I couldn't. I'm almost 60 and have a chronic health condition. I just say things like, 'I can't manage that. You'll need to find a professional. They will do a better job'.

They constantly tell me they've got more money than they need, so I just make neutral noises and suggest they outsource any problems. And I visit as little as my conscience allows. I bring them little joy - and have done so throughout my entire life. And they actively damage my self esteem, so the only thing I can do now is to make sure I don't see much of them. I also tend to take DH because they are not so rude if he is there. When they go on about the golden child I listen in silence and at the end of it say, 'Anyway. Did you manage to get a dentist appointment?' and totally change the subject.

We call in like polite visitors and breathe a sigh of relief on the way home.

Thanks @Hatty65

Sounds quite idyllic really!

I am going to have to stricter with it all as it's starting to really effect me. When I get in a cycle of recalling all the stuff from over the years I just break down.

My Husband says my problem is that I fall for the manipulation then the cycles just starts again.

I know my Brother is very sly and he's persuaded my Mum to disinherit my older Brother (he is estranged - or escaped as I say!) and I suspect I'm on the hit list for that too.

Since the 'workload' increased 3 years ago, my mental and physical health has declined.

Sorry for all the negative talk.

Don’t be sorry: you are learning to bravely name your experience. Since your experience is negative you can’t honestly describe it with pretty words.

That being said they will NEVER CHANGE so if you want change, well, you have to be the change you want to see.

Cut back. Don’t rush to do things for them. When they say “but if you don’t who will? “ just say, breezily “oh little brother is free to do it.” When they say “he can’t “ just say “well, neither can I, you should think about arranging services.”

And as PP said upthread leave every interaction as soon as something mean or bitchy is said to you. Just hang up the phone or get up and leave “well, lets get together again another time when you are feeling more pleasant.”

You don’t need a lot of stock phrases. Just a few. They indicate the boundary and the consequences for boundary crossing at the same time.

Thanks @pikkumyy77 it's so difficult to maintain but I know it shouldn't be this way and I'm doing my best not to back track.

Just be firm with yourself. Make a plan and stick to it. Disengage as much as possible and use distance and time to decrease the pressure. So if your mother is rude to you get up, say “that was rude and I don’t think I will be i a hurry to do you that favor again.” Then leave. If you hyperventilate or have a panic attack have a plan but keep going. From the point of view of your parents its really like dog training. Be firm. Reward good behavior, end bad behavior. Set them up for success by naming what you want to see and what you don’t want to see.

get a pad and pen. Make two columns, one with a tick and one with a cross.

Every time they say something unkind put a mark in the cross column. Same for the tick when they’re kind. Do it in front of them. Don’t explain unless they ask. Be a bit coy- ‘oh a little experiment’.

or

take control of the narrative
Talk constantly. Mention your doctor has said you need to rest more. Your work is stressful. You seem to ache all over.
Basically be them and your brother- complain constantly about your lot and how you are so tired and have no one to help you but how wonderful your husband is.

Let it flare up into a fight if they drive it that way.

Because actually you know that they don’t want you to stop coming- neither does golden boy. If you get tetchy and bad tempered, you don’t have anything to lose. They do.

I know it is incredibly hard to break down the programming of a lifetime but you have to start changing your relationship to them fundamentally by not doing all these things for them any more. If it makes you feel better you can get them set up on an ongoing basis with things so they don't struggle but at least receive a minimum service eg online food order booked in with the essentials to come every week. Book them in a carer to visit once a week. Or whatever. Then leave them to it and only come to visit infrequently.

I know you are worried how you will feel if they die and you didnt help. But How will you feel if they die and you find they've left everything to dickhead brother and clearly never valued you or your help at all, as sounds likely?

Also if they've always behaved like this it clearly isn't mental decline is it, kindly that sounds like you trying to make excuses for them so it is less painful when they are cruel to you. They are deliberately behaving this way, as they always have. Don't let them hurt you any more.

Thanks @pikkumyy77 the most frustrating thing is the list of jobs to do and when my Brother has visited, he looks at them and says I can do them all or my Husband can do them - or oh hasn't Laura done this yet? What is she doing!!!
My Brother is totally devoid of it all.

Then I have to listen to how good he is and he'll do anything for anyone.
He acts like he's a saviour.
I snapped the other day and said but he doesn't do anything for you....
Mum's reply was I wouldn't say that... he's got a lot of work to do and has little spare time.
I said the same applies to me. They just laughed.

I honestly feel like I know I'm being exploited but I keep going back for more. But like I said I feel crappy whether I visit or not.

Thanks @KeirSpoutsTwaddle

I'll give that a go but generally I'm not in the same room as them a lot. I get given a list of jobs then shouted at from a different room.

My friend thinks slightly different to me, she thinks he's pushing their buttons to push my buttons in order for me to snap and them to disinherit me.

My Brother is obsessed by money but isn't generous. Doesn't buy cards/presents even for my Mum and Dad but always offers to buy something extravagant and then it either never turns up or my Parents say they've told him not to. Therefore this enables him to say I'm getting them xyz or I've offered xyz.

The 1 time he offered to take them out (they can't leave the bungalow themselves) he phoned them to say he'd be driving by the bungalow in 5 minutes and he could pick them up!!! Knowing they'd say no as they would need to get ready and prepared to go out.

So again he's offered but it's an empty offer.

I think the next time they say he's got an important job you need to say something like:

Oh my god mum ! you never mentioned he'd become Prime minister !
I'll look forward to seeing him on the news tonight. Then laugh and say important job & laugh harder.

Then go home.

Thanks @Tiredofallthis101 great name and advice.

You are right.

I also keep thinking if my health declined, I will regret not being with my own children as much as possible.

I've set up as much as I can do for the moment: online food shopping, bills are now all done by direct debit, gave them adverts/leaflets for a cleaner - declined (as that's my role!!), carers - refused.

It's not so much the physical stuff I struggle with - that's the time consuming element, it's the comments from them that kill me, it feels like I'm the bad one and he's the good one. He himself always tries to get people to feel sorry for him.
I don't know if that's a 'thing'.

I see what's happening and I'm fully aware of it. It's my own conscious. I can't take it when they imply my actions (or no contact for a couple of hours) may cause them to suffer.

I heard my Mum on the phone to him a couple of weeks ago (it's always on speaker phone so I hear everything). My Mum and Dad never say I'm present there either so when people phone up they say no we haven't seen anyone, just sitting here as usual!!!!

Then my lovely Brother said to them I could do xyz as I have nothing to do!

I wanted to scream...
I CAN RARELY PLAN STUFF TO DO AT THE WEEKEND AS IT'S TAKEN UP BY MY PARENTS!!!

He knows this.

Even when we went for a short break, I got more contact/comments than usual. In my eyes this was punishment for daring to go away for 2 nights.

But I know this is all on me.

Thanks @vix3rd

I don't think I will ever understand.

I try my best. I do things for them. Take them out. Remember all the significant dates for cards/presents.

He goes for a meal cooked by my Mum once a week. Does nothing.

I rarely bump into him but I do remember at a family party a few years ago, that I saw my Mum looking all sparkly eyed at him and she had this proud expression on her face, touched his arm then gave him a hug.

I was in complete shock. I've never been hugged by them since I was about 8.

Its as though I'm invisible.

Thanks @Hucklemuckle tried the priority comment. It was met with silence so I think that struck them.

They might not even consciously realise they're doing it. This is their "normal".

Mine would swear blind they've always treated me and male sibling equally and refuse to acknowledge the very real differences.