Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

Xxxx

You do realise that you love them in the same way an abused dog loves its horrible owner… it knows no better. When it has been removed and shown real nurturing and love, it thrives.
Darling, I’m dying. I only have a couple of years left if I’m lucky. I’m so furious that I let myself get sucked in by duty and trying to “prove” that I was a better person than the gossip spread by my horrible brother. Nobody cares. Nobody likes him anyway. The people that REALLY matter are here in my life. Why would I waste my precious oxygen trying to impress people who are not worth my breath? They’re not…. Really. Really. I promise there is so much out there when you have time, space and energy… and you’re not anticipating the next barrage of soul-crushing. It’s so good.

Op please go back and read what I wrote and the few posts after mine too because they really do highlight that your ' they are elderly so I must stay in contact with them' is also part of the abuse. You are reacting like that because of how they have treated you. It has all been designed to keep you in your place. This place

And the dog and the abusive owner. Good analogy.

Would you for example keep letting friends treat you like this? As I said before, it is just a label parents mum /dad. It's a label. It's meaningless. Nothing more nothing less. How people treat you is the proof of the pudding.

You absolutely do not owe them. You are not responsible. As others have said, they were once young and abusive, now they are old and abusive and this is definitely not something that people grasp overnight when they are so indoctrinated by it all.

Please take time to read some of the brilliant advice on this thread and look after yourself. You are consistently putting them above yourself and your family. They serve you no positive purpose

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat it was difficult for me to read this as it's largely correct. I admit I had to take a bit of time after reading it.

I really don't know about my elder Brother. He cut off everyone. I was in my teens and not particularly pleasant to him at that time which I hope he now realises was hormones and everything that was going on at home as well (IF he realised what was going on as he'd left home and got married and had kids at an early age).

I know that a couple of years later I felt as though he abandoned me BUT I NOW UNDERSTAND AND HOLD NO GRUDGE AGAINST HIM. I would love to reconnect with him now and have contacted him/left me contact info but he's chosen not to contact but again I 'get it'.

Thanks @Fraaahnces full house on the a,b,C and d. That is exactly it.

Thanks @Poetree for some reason knowing you are similar seems a comfort to me. Some people don't understand that it's a culmination of little things.

I'm trying my best though.

@howshouldibehave he'll do 1 of 2 things:

1. Arrange for transport then they will get an occasional word at the party.

1. Make a big deal of having to ferry them as I've CHOSEN not to attend.

(There is history of him making out I didn't attend when I knew nothing about it)

BUT there's also a 3rd possibility:

It wouldn't surprise me I'd Mum and Dad say they're not going as I'm not able to take them and they don't want to ruin his day. This option therefore makes me the bad person to all.

@MollyButton Yes, he will come in with a killer line at the best of times. Even phoning me saying "you've hurt your Mother"...

Op, who will it make you the bad person to?

Tell them you're worn out and need a break, suggest their perfect son take the strain for a while. He loves you so much he would really love to be more help, seems like a good line. Contact him and say the same. Ring them once a day reducing to every other day to once a week gradually, asking how well dearest brother is doing with the chores and hoping you will be able to help again in a while (maybe a long while) when you feel better. If they ring just say I'll have to call you back. Tell them you can't take calls at work, you will get into trouble, that they will believe, you couldn't possibly be busy doing something important.

If they are rude to you when you are trying to help them just cheerily say sorry I have to go now and leave, I'd forgotten I have to..., they may or may not get the hint, but you will be out of there.

@Fraaahnces I just don't know what to say to you. I know what I need to do but it's so hard to action it.

What does your husband think about all this?

Are there cultural issues at play?

@clothestotryon All of my relatives.

@Nanny0gg He's very supportive and says he is so glad I'm seeing it. (He did raise it a while back but I dismissed it as 'normal'). He knows I still want to take to Mum and Dad. I'll never contact my Brother again.

No cultural issues.

Your brother does this because he doesn't like you. There. I've said it. Sit with this and let it sink in.

He's been trained to dislike you by parents who don't like you. What you treat people you care about like this?

And that's the rub. You're still in the fantasy that these people are your family and care about you. They don't. It hurts doesn't it?

Once I absorbed this I was able to drop my arsehole family like a tonne of bricks. I still mourn the family I didn't get but I have lazer vision about my mother and my brother. Underneath they fundamentally dislike me and always will and that's okay because I like me. I'm okay. Taken a lot of therapy to get here. I don't like them. I don't hate them. I pity💐 them. I wish you could get here too 💐

My Husband says all I need to remember is:

This isn't my fault. This isn't about me. It's all about my Brother and them wanting him be seen to be living an idyllic life.

A

You've got to stop!

Your family are vile. They don't love you and what the hell does it matter if they badmouth you? If it was to anyone that mattered they'd know the truth, But none of them matter

Op, would any of your relatives pick your parents up or do they expect you to and then moan when you don't.

How old are they?

That needs unpicking

You don't have to love parents because Parents

You should love people because they deserve it - because they are kind, loving thoughtful people

Yours are vile and have been abusive much of your life. It doesn't matter that it wasn't physical. They have done nothing to earn love or care from you

And your brother will check on them - he'll want his inheritance

@clothestotryon There's possibly 1 relative that may do but they work shifts so no idea how the party date will fall for them.

I think the 'stabbing me in the back' part from my Brother has been happening far longer than I thought.

@Nanny0gg Early 70's and late 70's

So? What do they matter?

They must see what goes on

It shouldn't fall to you op. Especially when you don't want to go (and haven't really been invited).

They should get a taxi. You aren't in existence just to be a skivvy for them and everyone else in your family to bitch about.

The more I hear, the more I think non contact is the only way

Same age as me and my husband.

Take it from me

You need to cut them off

(Oh, and I'm not elderly!!!)