Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

@Gingerloaf

You are wise to educate yourself re divorce, but to move slowly/at your own pace.

One thing if I may suggest; it may be worthwhile to get the initial paperwork for divorce completed (but not filed if you aren't ready). That allows you to 'pull the trigger' in an instant should the need arise. A friend did this on attorney advice and when her STBX started playing silly buggers 'financially' she had the papers down to the courthouse and filed before you could say Jack Robinson. It included some kind of financial 'injunction' that froze some of their assets so he couldn't keep trying to move money around.

Divorce is handled by family court regardless of stage of life.

It's a division of the court of Chancery.

Every day's a school day!

I think all people deserve a new chance at life. Maybe he has found someone better suited. Who cares? You look after you.

I say that at someone very recently divorced from a very nasty, abusive husband after a long marriage.

I honestly wish him well but am now protecting myself forever more. My DC and I are safe, that is all I care about. Not him. I am relieved.

Maybe he and you will both be happier. The shock is fuelling the outrage with good reason; he has known for at least 6 months and you have not.

Goodluck OP. You sound great and will find happiness yourself. I am sure. (I intend to!)

You are correct everybody has the right to be bored and move on but the way to do it is to leave your existing partner and then find a new one not cheat on the one you already have .

Thank you for the varied comments especially the supportive and constructive ones.

Everyone has a right to their opinion but he was far from bored - will not divulge more but he has had a very interesting and eventful life. With many opportunities that others do not get - enough said on the matter

Maybe that's the problem - he's been spoilt in life?

@Gingerloaf you sound awesome! The twat will live to rue the day.

I hope you and your DC are doing ok x

Agreed. Everyone has the right to be bored.
I'm bored that's for sure....! But you know what, being bored is just part of the human experience and we can choose to stay or we can move on in a respectful way as @Floralnomad has rightly said.

@Gingerloaf I'm sorry for what has happened but I've got a feeling you will come out on top. What a silly man.

@Gingerloaf

Hello OP, just thinking of you and hope you are coping.
There was a thread on MN last month entitled "Things I've noticed since the divorce" if you can take a look at some of the posts on there where women have been through similar situations. I don't know how to do a link I'm sorry, but you can look for it in "advanced search" on Mumsnet. There are so many posts on there about women clinging to the edge of their bed when still married, not wanting their former OH's to come near them, but there are some amusing anecdotes also, which may cheer you up.

It’s been linked. It is indeed an awesome thread!

Hope you’re ok OP and looking forward to a new, if slightly scary, start. You sound like a good strong person so I think you’ll do great x

Search everywhere and in every email or letter you can access.
He has had months to prepare to split.
Check joint savings: any unexpected withdrawals? Where did they go? Are you both still working? Is all of his salary hitting the joint accounts or has a proportion been siphoned off elsewhere?
It feels ridiculous, but your husband was not who you thought he was. All the time that he's been rewriting your relationship history he has had ample opportunity to rewrite your financial and family one as well.
I am so sorry to be so negative, but right now you need to be so calm and clear: if he doesn't try to avoid 50/50 now, he will a few months down the line.

If he claims a midlife crisis look quizzical and say “you”ll live to 120?”(or whatever is the double of his age)

Many thanks one and all - apologies for the silence - some of your responses have made me positively guffaw ( the ones with the salty language)

Some of the suggestions above don’t apply to our circumstances or to the sad shitty way he has conducted himself. Really can’t explain on that matter - but all situations vary and for this one he probably pulled the rip cord to early and had no idea the consequences.

I have learnt that someone under this scenario has the weirdest take on reality. As a friend said, everyone wants to be a hero in their own story so hence the reframing of our life and relationship
Again I am not going to explain more but what he has told me of how he ‘thought’ it would turn out is like something from planet zog

I have been heartened by the response of friends and family - horror, disbelief, shock, anger
I know I have many friends who are showing me nothing but love and appreciation
I have been so blessed by their response - which keeps me positive and calm in my darkest moments

For now I am looking after me, staying calm, letting it all unfold and resisting the urge to respond in haste ……….. and crikey the house is tidy.

Love to all you lovely people - don’t let my situation dishearten you. We are all stronger than we know and worthy of much more than we sometimes get.

If someone can add the link re what I learned after divorce I would be interested - having had no road map for his announcement I will be curious about the experience and tips from others

Once again many thanks

You sound amazing and incredibly strong. I'm sure you will have your low points; 40 yrs together then it to suddenly end must be devastating, but your eloquent manner of writing and your calmness, I have no doubt you will find your way. Rooting for you OP x

How on earth he thinks he can set up a new life with someone he barely knows is ridiculous!

I mean - imagine moving in with someone that quick?! Do you know her op?

I don’t think he has thought this through at all!

hugs to you op

Here you go @Gingerloaf

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5114650-things-ive-noticed-since-the-divorce?page=1

@Quitelikeit

I don’t want to say too much but when I say people having affairs behave in the most bizarre way and have a very lose grip on reality - he introduced me to her. Obviously not with the words I have been shagging her - I had no clue. However, she knew who I was.

How would any of you react to finding out about an affair and then finding out he and she knew they would be meeting me???
I asked him WTAF - when I found out who the OW was and he actually said he thought she and I would get on well

I mean his grip on reality mystifies me.

He wanted your approval !

I think he thought I would give approval and blessing - which is random considering I couldn’t recall her in detail ( insipid) until after he told me and dint know what was going on

It would be funny if it wasn’t so bloody sad

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It happened to me too. It's incredible the way they lose grip of reality. I recall my now ex standing in court and suggesting OW (also newly widowed!) be put on the order as a "co-parent" and how he hoped we'd all be good friends eventually. The woman hated my 2 year old, deeply resented him, had been abusive in the extreme to me and he wanted us to be a trio of parents . Fortunately he didn't get what he wanted! Be prepared for more of this. He will be forcing her on your children soon. My best advice is cut him off as much as you can and use the grey rock method of communication. He's a silly fool and will realise what he's lost. You, on the other hand, will rise like a phoenix from the ashes and you'll be fine. I promise

@Quitelikeit - adult children are deeply unimpressed and she would have a hard time.
I am not even sure there fling will last - but genuinely don’t care.
My life is changing - and it’s incredible how many people say ‘it’s better on the other side’

Thanks for your support and I hope your DC is thriving

God what a stupid man!

Giving up on everything after all your years together.

I can’t imagine that he has thought this through. Nor the OW.

Your DC must be in a state of disbelief about the whole thing - he just blindsided you all.

I can’t believe he introduced you. Is he usually so arrogant? I have a feeling he is going to regret his actions down the line

OP, get that divorce done as soon as suits you.
Within three years of something similar happening to a woman I play tennis with, early 60's, blindsided and left, HIS health suddenly declined with a life changing condition.

Affair partner was nowhere to be seen and she was approached to take him back into her new home as the family home had been sold upon divorce.

Even her sons spoke on his behalf!
But that was more likely self interest and not wanting to be involved with Dad's care.
She was kind but VERY firm, she had divorced on his bidding and whilst she wished him well, any relationship between them was 100% over. She emphasised the point by saying she too had now met someone casually.

He was in rehab for some months and now is in a home as he couldn't live alone.
She has zero regrets.

It will be better on the other side. I remember (over 20 years ago now) getting up on my first Christmas morning after the divorce. The kids (older teens) were still asleep and I sat with my twinkly tree and had a cup of tea watching TV and I thought - actually, this is not so bad. His irritable, brooding presence wasn't around and any movement upstairs ... wasn't him, coming along to disapprove of something. I think I started to move on with my life then. I didn't remarry or even try to date, but I've had a happy 20 years even so, calm and serene with no second guessing.