Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Another one cheering you on. Yeah like others have said get a good solicitor, once I recovered from the initial shock when my ex did the same the minute I mentioned I was consulting for legal advice it got all too real for him. Protect yourself at all costs. Prepare for him turning nasty, I would have sworn blind mine wouldn't but he did. They don't like it when you take back control. Good luck moving forward. He's a daft old goat and she's welcome to him, he's not your problem now!.

Many thanks and apologies for not individual replies
counsellor set for next week with someone I have known a long time
Have told him he doesn’t come to the house or contact me for a set number of days
Again folks I am wary of what I say
But I have a few things in hand
and I have no doubt an emotional
brick wall is coming my way - so I need to look after myself as best I can

Once again I salute you - your care, foresight and support. Can’t thank you enough

OP - if you are a high income earner, then this is not the time to be tight on the legal advice.
I sadly found my self in this position but with DCs - we were both high earners but me more My pension pot became my biggest downfall.

There are some very good divorce lawyers - go to the vardags website even if just for a consultation and find a female lawyer

The monies spent on my lawyer were not cheap but have repaid themselves over the past 10 years

I know he regrets it now but tough, I am in a much better place but it took time and whilst you are rding the euphoria phase - the crash is coming and you will waver, cry and scream - this is a grieving process and nothing you can do will change the phases -they all happen

@takeittakeit
sound advice thank you

bank and solicitor ( initial meeting sorted)

any other suggestions of paperwork required?

While you can’t change the locks or stop him coming to the house, it’s perfectly fine for you to fit a bolt or a chain onto the door to stop him being able to come in whenever he fancies. You can explain it as needing extra security now that you’re a woman living alone.

Absolutely this.

Would he really go to court to gain access if she changed the locks?

Personally I'd chance it.
No way would I tolerate him strolling back in when he is living elsewhere.

The official story would be I lost my keys and needed a new set.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:

Tax returns

Bank accounts

Salary slips

Savings accounts

Investments

Life insurance

Pensions

Mortgages

Debts

Assets

Get the house valued

This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

Write 2 lists in terms of house, cars, pensions etc

What you'd like (copy to lawyer)

What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.

Even if you are not sure you want to or are ready to separate, go ahead and make copies of as many of the following documents as you can, or secure them in a safe place outside of the home:

• Birth certificates, Social Security cards, and passports or immigration papers for you and your children

• Health insurance cards for you and your children

• Financial records, including recent bank statements and stocks or mutual fund records

• Housing documents, such as rental agreements, mortgage statements, or the title or deed

• Your most recent credit report (you can request one for free(link is external))

• The title or lease paperwork for your car

• Statements for any retirement plans

• The past two years’ tax returns

Many of these records are available online, so try to keep access to these accounts if you do not have paper copies.

You may also want to take photos of any valuable assets in the home (anything you think may be worth some money). Also, if you have any family heirlooms (such as jewelry), take them with you or put them in a safe place before you leave. You can get a safe deposit box at the bank to store copies of the paperwork listed, as well as small valuable items. If you have a joint checking account, consider opening your own checking account and storing money there.

Totally agree. My ex told me, appropo of nothing, that he would never come into the house when I hadn't given my express permission. I came home from work one day to find his greasy hair print on the glass of the door, obviously trying to see why his key wasn't working. He knew he couldn't question me because of his previous 'promise'. Once an arsehole, always an arsehole.

@Gingerloaf paperwork - any proof of the monies you have put into the marriage and any proof of him benefitting from any monies.

There’s so many posters with great advice. In terms of documentation, having a good idea of your & his finances/assets & income / loans before first solicitor meeting is helpful. If you can ensure you screenshot / take notes so you can challenge anything that doesn’t add up later.

I went through this last year, sending you love and support, it’s a tough road but you’ll look back one day & be so thankful for the choices you are making now. Look after yourself. Divorce in the UK is a lengthy process so there is actually lots of time to sort finances and future plans. Your solicitor should explain the process.

For me being vaguely amicable (whilst not trusting him an inch) made the divorce and financial mediation smoother & stopped him getting petty or dragging his heels during negotiations. I won’t say it was easy not to rip him a new one on every interaction but it kept it moving forward, and once he’d got over the ‘angry it’s all your fault’ stage he was keen to make me like him again.

Although it is a shock now, I feel sure that in time you will be happier.

I once had a colleague who had been in a long term marriage with children grown up. He met someone through a hobby, left his wife and had a whole new lease of life. He said he'd been so unhappy but couldn't see a way out. Also being intimate again after a long time without can be transformational for either gender. You feel such a deep connection with another person again.

I do think in long term relationships things can irritate us (your mug by the dishwasher) and maybe in your new home, with your rules and your level of tidyness you will feel more in control also.

Do take care about what you say to the children as everyone is entitled to happiness and it creates such stress for them when one parent wants them to take sides. He's still their father even if he has hurt you and ended his marriage.

Again useful advice all round - some of it applies some of it doesn't

Thank you

I've just popped on to say that you sound awesome OP.

It is shit right now but there is a bright new future waiting for you where you will be happy. He will have regrets but you won't care.

I used to have the accusations of nagging and being bossy from my XH. Now, whenever I hear of a woman being described by a man as 'bossy' I know that there is a man who couldn't organise anything, was wishy-washy about all decision making and who had no opinions of his own.

It always seems to be said by men who, left to their own devices, would live in their pyjamas, never leave the house and never pay a bill on time.

Actually, my ex started saying that I was controlling while he had never mentioned anything like this before. This, and the rewriting of history, is obviously a common MO.

Also, as I said on a similar thread, whichever solicitors OP consults, it becomes a conflict of interest for them to then have a consultation with OP’s Dear husband.
And you’re free to shop around when looking for legal advice…

Pensions is a big one that is often missed

I have nothing to add other that you are being so strong, op. Well done.

@Gingerloaf
paperwork - any proof of the monies you have put into the marriage and any proof of him benefitting from any monies.

This. Especially if you have put a significant amount more into paying for the house either as deposit or the mortgage payments over the years and can prove this.

You could always suggest he pay you for the holiday and take OW with him? You get the moral higher ground, don't lose your deposit, and make him worry what is going on in your mind (evil cackle).

I just wanted to add my voice and say how very, very sorry I am that this has happened to you @Gingerloaf . You sound like an amazing, strong, dignified and wise person.

You are absolutely not a mug for not having anticipated any of this - how could you have done? Hindsight is both a wonderful and terrible thing.

You deserve better than such a mediocre husband and what he has done to you.

I wish you strength for what lies ahead and for many happier times to come for you when you are free of him. xx

Yes but he has a right to br bored.As do you.Who says marriages have to last forever? It's a tyranny but make sure you have the £.it seems all mumsnetters expect faithful men.ha ha.and women get bored too.

Leaving without cheating is an option if you're "bored"...

I think you already mentioned this OP, but be aware that this type of detachment may well be shock and the emotions will catch up with you. No shame in that when they do, at all. Have your support network ready and well done for getting ahead with all the admin. Any type of grief is utterly exhausting and is accompanied by lower immune system, increased clumsiness etc. so please drive carefully, eat well, have some meals in the freezer etc. I recommend the Cook meals bundle that you can order online.

I don't remember "a right to be bored" being part of the UN declaration of human rights? What is this right, exactly? And what about his responsibility to be a decent human being? People are ridiculous about their "rights" with very little regard for other people's.

Well, if as you suspect, you are being stalked on here op, I would just like to say that I wish the happy new couple as much happiness as they deserve.
Congratulations. A liar and a cheat and a selfish woman who has such low standards that she is happy have him.

What a bizarre comment. Do you frequently cheat on your partner? Do you accept him cheating on you as normal?